_The Trouble about the Message--Chase and Seward Find Fault with
it--The Story of Old Deacon Grimes' Oven--Mr. Lincoln Overrun with
Visitors--The Major Suggests a Way to Get Rid of Them--The Small Pox
Dodge--The Message Finished--Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story._
WASHINGTON, Dec. 10, 1863.
_To the Editers of The Dabook:_
SURS:--Wen I writ you last, the Messige warn't finished. Wal, sich a
time as we had in finishin that docyment you never did see. The Kernel
an I set up all nite long three or fore nites, but it was nigh about
onpossibul to get it to suit him. He would get it fixed, an then Seward
would cum in an say it was too bold. Then Chase he'd cum in an say it
warn't bold enuf; and finally I telled him to make it as old Deacon
Grimes did his oven. He wanted to know how that was. Wal, I telled him
it was this way: The Deacon built an oven facin to the North, wen one
of his nabors cum along an sed that would never do, as the North wind
would blow rite into the mouth of the oven. So the old man turned it
around, an put the face to the South. Pretty soon another nabor cum
along, an ses he, "Deacon, it will never do to have that oven face the
South, for there ain't any wind so blustering as the South wind." So
the Deacon turned it around to the West. Pretty soon a man cum along,
an ses he, "Deacon, don't you know that the worst showers and
hurry-canes we have always cum from the West? It will never do to face
your oven that way." So the Deacon determined to change it around to
the East. He hadn't more than got it dun, before another nabur cum
along, an ses he, "Why, Deacon Grimes, I'm perfectly astonished to see
you buildin an oven an facin it to the East. There ain't any wind so
sarchin and penetratin as the East wind, an it will blow your fire all
out of the oven." "Wal," ses the old Deacon, perfectly discurriged,
"I'll suit you all; I'll build my oven on a pivot, an wen you cum along
you kin turn it around jest as you want it." "Now," ses I, "Kernel,
that's the way to fix your Messige." Ses he, "That is a fact; the only
trubbil is to fix on a pivot on which it kin turn." "Wal," ses I, "that
is the easiest thing in the world. Take the nigger for the pivot, an it
will suit every man in your party. The only difference between 'em is,
that some don't like to look hin square in the face. That sort kin turn
your Messige around a little, an then they will see the nigger
side-ways; and those that can't stand that kin turn it clear around, an
then they will see the nigger in the back, but it will be nigger all
the time!" The Kernel sed it was a capital idee, an he ment to carry it
out. It got noised around that the Kernel was comin out with some big
thing in his Messige, an every Congressman, wen he got to Washinton,
run rite to the White House to give the Kernel advice. They nigh about
run him to deth. "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, make believe you're sick."
"Sho," ses he, "that won't do a bit of good. I've tried it often, an
they bore me wus than ever." "Wal," ses I, "tell 'em you've got the
scarlet fever, an that will scare 'em away." The Kernel sed it was a
fust-rate idee, an so it was announced in all the papers that the
President had the scarlet fever; but it didn't do much good. Sum staid
away, but the crowd yet was tremenjus. "Now," ses I, "Kernel, this is
too bad; here it is almost time for Congress to meet, and no Messige
dun yet. Jest let the reporters announce that you've got the small-pox,
an there won't be a mother's son of 'em cum within gunshot of you. Then
you kin fix your Messige, put in that patent pivot, and grease things
up generally, so they'll run another year without teching." The Kernel
sed there was no other way than to do it. When it got out that the
Kernel had the small-pox, you never see sech a calm. The White House
was nigh about deserted, an it seemed like a Sunday up in Maine. The
Kernel then set rite down to his Messige, an worked like a beever. He
sed he could allers soon put a thing in shape after the foundashin
timbers were laid. And so he did. Wen he got it finished, he called
Seward and red it to him. He sed it was capital. Then he sent for
Chase, an he sed it was all rite. "No," ses I, "Kernel, send for a War
Dimmycrat, an see how he'll like it." Wen I sed this, the Kernel laffed
rite out. Ses he, "Majer, you're jokin; I know you are." Ses he, "The
War Dimmycrats remind we of a story about bar-huntin out West. Old Josh
Muggin had a young dog wich was very fierce for bars. So one day he tuk
him along in a hunt. In the very first fite the bar bit the dog's tail
off, and away he run yelpin an barkin like mad, an Josh could never get
his dog to fite bars after that. Now, it is jest so with the War
Dimmycrats. They were very fierce to fite me if I issued my
Emancipashin Proclamashin, but I did it, an by so doin, _I cut their
tails off_, and they have never showed any fite agin me sence, an they
won't. No--I rally wish I hadn't eny more trubbil on hand than the War
Dimmycrats will give me."
Ses I, "Kernel, I think you are rather hard on the War Dimmycrats. They
supported you because they thought you was tryin to restore the Union;
but now, wen they read your messige and see that you won't have the
Union back enyhow, they will say you deceived 'em, and you may find 'em
the most trubbelsum customers you've yet had to deal with. They ment to
sustain the government, but now wen they see that _you_ won't sustain
it, they may turn on you wus than the copperheds have;" and ses I,
"Kernel, you jist get the Dimmycrat's united, and I shudn't wonder if
they wud be after this, and then let all your Miss-Nancy Abolishinists
look out, for there won't be as much left of em as there was of Bill
Peeler's dog after his panther fite." Ses the Kernel, ses he, "How much
was that?" "Wal," ses I, "Bill always sed there warn't nothin left but
the collar he hed round his neck, and the tip eend of his tale, about
an inch long." "Wal," ses the Kernel, "I've got to go ahed, no matter
who don't like it, or who gits licked in the fite. I'me in the
Abolishin bote, and you can't stop it now eny more than you kin put
Lake Superior in a quart bottle." Ses I, "Go ahed, Kernel; I allers
like to see a man bold and strong on his own principles. There's nothin
like pluck. Let everybody know jist what you mean, and then if they
support you it is their own fault." "Wal," ses he, "ain't I plain enuf
this time?" "Yes," ses I, "Kernel, all but the amnesty part--that's
kinder petty-fogy." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, men that can't see a hole
through a ladder ought to be humbugged." Ses I, "Mebby that's so, but
we shall all know more about who is humbugged and who isn't, after the
war is over."
But I never did see people so tickled over the Messige as the
Republikins all are. They say it is jest the thing--that it is goin to
wipe out slavery, and prevent the "Union as it was" ever being
restored; and then it is dun so cutely that a good menny people won't
see through it. That amnesty dodge throws dust in their eyes, and
kinder sounds generous like.
There's a great fite coming off among the Abolishinists about who's to
be run for next President, and I think I'll hev some news for you afore
long. Enyhow, I shall keep my eyes open as ushil.
Yourn, till deth,