_The Major and the "Kernel" at work on the Message--The Major visits
Mr. Chase again--Sees the Machines for Printing Greenbacks--A Machine
for every General--The accounts mixed up--Mr. Lincoln gets Flighty
over them--The Major Puts him to bed, and applies a mustard-plaster--He
Revives, and proposes a Conundrum--The Major also proposes one._
WASHINGTON, Nov. 19th, 1863.
_To the Editers of The Dabook:_
SURS:--If I ain't been bizzy sence I writ you last, then never a man
was. Besides, I've had a considerabul twinge of my old inemy, the
rheumatiz. This ere Washington atmosfere is terribul on the
constitushin. The Kernel, too, was nigh about down sick one day; but we
both tuk a good, old-fashioned wiskey-sling, of the very best Old Rye,
and went to bed on it. The next mornin we both felt fust rate. The
Kernel keeps as good wiskey as I ever got enywhere. We have been very
hard at work on the messige, and such a time as we have had of it you
never did see. Stantin don't know how meny sojers he has got in the
field, nor how meny have been killed or wounded. Grandfather Welles
can't tell how meny gunbotes he's got, an as for Chase, he don't
purtend to even guess for a certainty how many greenbacks there are
aflote, or how big the public debt is. The Kernel sed he couldn't even
lay the foundashin timbers of his messige until he had some figgers
about the debt to begin on. So I told him I would go over an see Chase
an have a talk with him. I tuk my slate under my arm an started. Soon
as I went in Chase tuk me by the hand an sed he was rale down rite glad
to see me. I telled him what I wanted, an he sed he would soon have it
reddy for me, but jest then he asked me to go up-stairs an see the
macheenery an printin presses, and so on, that he had got to make
money. He sed the worst of it was that the machenes was constantly
gettin out of order, and he wanted to know if I understood anything
about sich affairs. I telled him there warnt nothing, from
squirrel-traps to dog-churns and thrashing macheenes, that I didn't
know from stem to starn. Then he sed I was jest the chap he wanted. So
I went with him, and I was perfectly thunderstruck when I saw all the
riggin, and fixins, and belts, and shafts, and pulleys, and machenes
all a runnin and whizzin and buzzin, as fast as they could go. Ses the
Secketary, "This here macheen runs to pay off Gineral Grant's troops.
This one runs to pay off Gineral Meade's troops. This one runs for
Gineral Banks. This one is now bizzy for Gineral Burnside, and here is
this ere one completely broken down. It is Gineral Gilmore's macheen!"
"Wal," ses I, "Mr. Secketary, do you have a macheen for every Gineral
and every army?" "Yes," ses he, "about that." "Wal," ses I, "what do
you do about the contracters?" "Oh," ses he, "I ain't showed you them
yet. That's in another room." Ses he, "Come along with me." So I
follered, and we went off into another room. It was nigh about ten
times as big as the first one, and there were hundreds of presses
runnin' as fast as they could go. "There," ses he, "if these here
machenes were to stop one day, it would set all Wall street into a
panic. Sometimes, when the belts give out or the bolts break, or the
coal gits short, or paper don't git in in time, there is a good deal of
troubil, but I've got it so fixed now that I keep 'em putty well
supplied." Ses I, "Mr. Secketary, who is your engineer?" "Wal," ses he,
"he's a good trusty man." "But," ses I, "suppose he should bust your
bilers, what would Wall street do then?" "Wal," ses he, "I never
thought of that, but I guess there ain't eny danger." "Wal," ses I,
"steam is mighty onsartin. Old Aunt Keziah Wiggleton, up in Maine, used
to say that the only safe way to run a steamboat was to take the bilers
out, and my opinion is, that a government run by steam will bust up one
of these days." Chase didn't seem to like this last remark much, but he
didn't say enything. We cum down stairs putty soon after, and a feller
with a brown linen coat on, nigh about all over ink, brought a hull lot
of papers covered over with figgers, and sed that Mr. Linkin could find
out all he wanted to from them. I looked 'em over, but I couldn't make
hed nor tail to them. "Wal," ses I, "perhaps a chap who understands
dubble and twisted entry book-keepin' can onderstand this ere
figgering, but I'll be hanged if I kin." Ses I, "Here's seven thirtys,
and five twentys, and six per cents, and five per cents, and bonds and
stocks and sartificates, and '68s, and '78s, and '96s, and 158s, and
Lord knows how many more 8s, until it gets all mixed up so that you
can't tell enything more about the debt than Stantin kin tell how
sojers has been killed and wounded. Now," ses I, "the people don't care
a straw enything about your six twentys, or your five twentys. All they
want to know is jest how much money this ere war has cost, and that is
what I'me tryin' to figger out for em. When old Ginneral Jackson wanted
me to go into Squire's Biddle's Bank and cifer out how matters stood I
soon did it, but that warn't eny more comparin to this here affair,
than the bunch of elder bushes in Deacon Jenkins's meadow is to the
Dismal Swamp. I tuk the papers, however, over to Linkin, for it was the
best I could do. Wen I handed them to the Kernel, ses he, "Majer, does
Chase expect me to survive after studyin out these figgers?" "Wal," ses
I, "Kernel, I don't know, but _I think Chase wants to be next President_."
The Kernel tuk the hint rite off; but he sed Chase would never be
President, for he wanted to be so bad that he acted all the time as if
a bumble bee was stingin him, and that his flyin round so would kill
him off, if nothin else. We then both sot down and went to studyin the
figgers. I cifered with my slate, and the Kernel made chalk marks on
his hat every time we got up to a million of dollars. Purty soon the
Kernel's eyes began to look wild, and ses he, "Majer, where do we land
next? Is she hedin up stream or side-ways? She'll go down, sure as
thunder. Well, let her rip; she's been a sinkin consarn for years." I
see at once that the Kernel was flighty. Chase's figgers had turned his
hed, and he thought he was flat-botin agin on the Mississippi river.
But he kept on ravin. Ses he, "Majer, knock that nigger off the bow of
the bote; he's rite in the way of the pilot." Ses I, "Kernel, it ain't
safe to hit a nigger in these days; Stanton will put me in Fort La
Fayette." I thought this might bring the Kernel to his senses, but it
didn't. Ses he, "There it goes, Majer, jest as I told you, rite on that
snag. That nigger is to blame for the hull of it." I see it was no use,
that the Kernel was nigh about stark mad, and so I said to him, ses I,
"Let's put up this work to-night, an go to bed." He didn't want to, but
I dragged him off, an he kept ravin' all the time, "That nigger has
ruined me! There he comes--he is after me yet!"
As soon as I got the Kernel in bed, I put a double set of mustard
plasters on his feet, an then gave him a strong dose of my old remedy,
elder-bark tea. I knew that would cure him, if anything on arth. Purty
soon the sweat began to start, and the gripin in the bowels began. Jest
as soon as this took place, it drawed all the disease out of his head,
an the next mornin he was as bright as new dimes used to be when there
was sich things.
The fust thing the Kernel sed to me in the mornin was, ses he, "Majer,
I hed an awful dream last nite." Ses I, "What was it?" "Wal," ses he,
"I dreamt that the nigger had destroyed the Union." "Wal," ses I,
"Kernel, you git nearer the truth in your dreams than you ginrally do
when you are wide awake. If you will only have another dream, you will
see the Abolishinists have killed the Union, and that the poor nigger
is only the means that they have used to do it."
The Kernel didn't say nothin, but looked down on the floor an whistled.
Finally, he tuk out of his pocket one of Chase's new fifty-cent
shinplasters, an ses he, "Majer, kin you tell me why this new currency
has the _odor_ of nashinality about it?" "No," ses I, "Kernel, I don't
see it." "Wal," ses he, "because it is _cented_ paper!" "Wal," ses I,
"Kernel, now kin you tell me why that fifty-cent shinplaster is like
the war?" Ses he, "Majer, you've got me there." "Wal," ses I, "the face
is black, which means that we are fightin to free the nigger, and the
back is red--for the blood--the price we are payin for it!"
When I sed this the Kernel brought his hand down on the tabil like all
possessed, giv a kick with his foot that sent his slipper flyin clear
across the room, an ses he, "Majer, by the ----." Ses I, "Kernel, hold
on. Do you want to take any more elder-bark tea?" When I sed this he
tapered rite down, an ses he, jest as good as pie, "Let's have some old
rye and make frends."
So I didn't object, but the messige ain't finished yet, and the Lord
only knows when it will be dun.
Yourn till deth,