_The Major Starts for Washington--Takes his Axe with him--Mr. Lincoln
glad to see him--The Cabinet in Session--The opinion of Seward, Chase,
Stanton and others--The Major called on for an opinion--The Story of
Old Sam Odum--Mr. Stanton gets Excited._
WASHINGTON, Nov. 6, 1863.
_To the Editers of The Dabook:_
The very next day after I writ you my last letter, I got one from
Linkin, tellin me I must cum on without fail. He said he was in a peck
of trubbil about his messige--that Chase an Seward were pullin rite in
contrary direcshins, an what to do he didn't know. So I jest packed up
my things, took my pipe in my mouth an my old hickery in my hand, and
started. I strapped my axe on the outside of my trunk, for this is the
only weepin, besides my hickory cane, that I ever carry. Goin down to
the cars I met Deacon Jenkins, who went on to Washinton, you recollect,
to make the Kernel's sojer clothes, an ses he, "Majer, what are you
takin your axe with you to Washinton for?" "Wal," ses I, "Deacon, I
expect I shall get awful, tarin mad with them Abolitionists this winter
in Washinton, an ther ain't eny way that I kin work off a fit of that
kind except by goin out to the wood-house an choppin wood. So I
determined to take along my axe. It is one the old Ginneral used when
he got mad, an I have always preserved it to remember him, ef nothin
else."
I got to Washinton all safe, an went direct to the White House. The
feller who tends the door didn't know me at first; but when he saw my
hickery he began to open his eyes, I tell you. Ses he, "You are Majer
Downing, I believe," bowin like and scrapen his feet, as ef he thought
I keered for that. Ses I, "Yes, I'm Majer Jack Downing, an you jest
tell the President, about as quick as time will let you, that I'm
here." So he run up-stairs, an I went after him, stoppin in the room
where the offis-seekers have to wait, to take a good look down the
Potomack to see ef things looked nateral. I hadn't stood there more
than a minit when who should cum up behind me but Linkin himself. He
caught rite hold of my hand, an ses he, "Majer, how are you? I'm
tickled to deth to see you;" an he kept shaken my hand as ef he thought
it was made of lether. Ses I, "Kernel, do you want me to help write
your messige?" Ses he, "Of course I do, Majer." "Wal, then," ses I,
"please don't shake that hand eny more, for you've pretty nigh mashed
it now." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, I couldn't help it, for it seems as ef
Providence sent you jest in the nick of time." Ses I, "How is that?"
"Wal," ses he, "the Cabynet is in session, an I've just finished tellin
them one of Artemus Ward's best stories, an got 'em all into a good
humor. The messige is the very thing they met to discuss, an you're cum
rite in the nick of time," hittin me, as he spoke, a slap on the back
that made the cold chills run over me.
Nothin would do but I must go in and hear the discusshin. So I walked
in as large as life. I knew 'em all, an they all knew me. They
pretended to be rale glad to see me, perticularly Stantin; but he
needn't try to deceeve me, for under them spectacles of his I see a
pair of hyena eyes. I tell you that that man will bear watchin.
However, I sed nothin; but after the how-do-doos were over, I laid my
old hickery on the table, took out my pipe, an went to smokin. The
Kernel then called the meetin to order, an sed he wanted a short
ackount of each department, so he could fix up his messige, an he also
wanted the opinion of each one as to what he thought ought to be done
with the southern States after the rebellyon is crushed. Fust, he
called upon Seward.
Wal, Seward said that furrin affairs were all rite; that he had offered
to carry out the policy of England all over the country, an set up a
monarchy, ef necessary, to put down the Dimmycrats, an that upon his
faithfully promising to do this, the British Government at once seized
the rebil rams. That as for the southern States, he thought the best
thing that could be done with them, for the good of the country an the
grate cause of humanity, was to turn 'em all into one big plantation an
make Thurlow Weed Chief Manager.
Then Chase spoke. He sed the finances were in a flourishing condishin.
He now had five hundred printin presses to work makin money; that the
debt warn't only $5,000,000,000,000; that every body was gettin rich,
an that the way to treat the southern States an save the country was
just this: Issue a Proclamashin that only jest enough cotton should be
raised for him to print greenbacks on, an then he could control the
currency in spite of all the copperhead gold speculaters in creashin.
Stantin sed that his department was all right. That he had got rid of
all the copperhed ginrals, and had left the track clear for the next
President to be a genuine Abelishinist. That all that was necessary now
was to keep the war up till after the next Presidential elecshin, and
he thought he could do it. As for the southern States, he was for givin
the niggers the plantations and makin the whites their slaves.
Then old grandfather Welles got up, strokin his long white beard. He
sed that nothin could save the nashin but gunboats; that he was buildin
one a day now, except on the Sabbath, which he piously devoted to
prayin an fastin, and to dividin the contracks among his relashins. He
thought the South ought to be surrounded with a wall of gunboats from
Texas to Maryland.
The next one that spoke was Blair. He said he hadn't stopped a single
paper durin' the hull year, an he was only sorry that he ever did; that
he had only given the papers he stopped more circulashin than they ever
had before; that no one would ever catch him into another such a
scrape. As for the southern States, he was down on all the Radikels. He
sed they might be allowed to cum back jest as they wanted to.
When it cum Daddy Bates' turn, he was fast asleep. When Linkin told him
what he wanted, he sed it warn't for him to say what should be done
with the Southern States. After it was decided what to do with 'em, he
supposed they would want a legal opinion on the subject, an he could
give one on either side, he did'nt care which.
After they had all got thru, Linkin turned to me, an ses he, "Majer,
what do you think about this matter?" I knocked the ashes out of my
pipe, and ses I, "Wal, I don't like to give an opinion on the jump, for
I hain't had time yet to see exactly how the land lays here; but," ses
I, "as near as I understand it, all these men here are tryin to catch
the South first, and then what to do with her afterwards is another
question. Now, the South seems to be a good deal like old Sam Odum, up
in Maine, when he thought the devil was after him. One night he got to
dreaming, and jumped out of bed in his shirt, and ran like all
possessed down the street. About a half a dozen neighbors chased him
until he run up a tree, out of which they couldn't get him anyhow. He
kept a screaming "the devils are after me," and would fite like a tiger
if any one tried to get at him. Finally, old Deacon Peabody cum along,
and ses he, "Sam thinks you fellers are the devils that are goin to
ruin him; you jist go away and let him alone, and Sam will be hum and
in bed afore morning." They tuk his advice, and sure enough, so it was."
When I sed this, Stantin, who is quick as a flash, jumped up, an ses
he, "Majer, do you mean to say that we are devils tryin to catch the
South?" an he walked rite close up to my face, jest as if he thought he
could bully me down. Ses I, "Mr. Secketery, if you will stand back
about six inches, you kin see an hear jest as well." He stepped back a
little, an I picked up my old hickery, an ses I, "Stantin, do you
recollect the time down to Fort Munroe when you tried to get on the
President's trowsers?" I never see a feller wilt so as when I sed this.
He turned all sorts of colors, an wriggled as if he had a pin stickin
in him. "Now," ses I, "I didn't say that you were devils, or anything
of the sort, but it seems putty certain that Mr. Stantin feels the shoe
pinchin. At all events," ses I, "you ain't caught the South yet, an
consultin what you will do with her before that is like countin
chickens before they are hatched."
The Kernel then sed that the session was closed, an after they all axed
me to cum an see 'em, except Stantin, they went away. I think my story
about Sam Odum sot putty strong on 'em, an ef they feel like takin it
to hum let 'em do so, for my rale rite down solemn opinion is, ef these
ere Abolishin Cabynet were to stop trying to catch the South, _she
would be hum an in the Union bed afore mornin_.
Yourn, till deth,