_The Major Goes to See the Postmaster-General about Stopping
Papers--Mr. Blair Promises to Release Them--The President Again in
Trouble--A Change in the Cabinet Demanded--The Major Suggests a Remedy
for "the Crysis."_
WASHINGTON, Dec. 20, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
SURS:--Wal, ef I ain't been bizzy sence I writ you last, I wouldn't say
so. I got your letter about seein Blair on the questshin of sendin
THE CAWCASHIN in the mails, an I hadn't eny doubt but he would
do it as soon as I put the subjec to him in the rite light. Blair's
father, "Parson Blair," as he used to be called in the old Ginneral's
time, an I used to be very thick. He helped me sifer a good deal wen I
was postin the Ginneral up about Biddle's Bank matters. But I hadn't
seen the old man for a long time ontel I called on him tother day. He
was dredful glad to see me, an shuck my hand as ef he thought there
warn't no feelin in it. Ses he, "Majer, it's a long time sence we've
met, an I know you are a loyal man, for there ain't no follerer of
Ginneral Jackson that could be enything else." Ses I, "Ef there's a
loyal man in this country, I'm one. I go for puttin down every feller
that's opposed to the Constitushin, I don't keer who he is. I only wish
we had an Old Hickery to step in now an jest deal out jestiss all
around, without any parshality. I guess there's a good menny fellers
that don't expect it, who might get histed." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, I'm
of your idee exactly. The truth is, I'm thinkin that this
administrashin is played out. The Ultrys will ruin it." "Wal," ses I,
"Mister Blair, I've cum to see you about another matter. Your son
Montgummery, who used to be a little shaver in the old Ginneral's time,
has got the place of Amos Kindle, an he has been stoppin Dimmycratic
papers in the mails." "Oh no," ses he, "I guess not; only sum disloyal
sheets." "No," ses I, "I'll give you a hunderd dollars for every word
of disloyalty agin the Constitushin you'll find in that paper." Here I
took a CAWCASHIN out of my pocket, an handed it to him. He looked it
over an couldn't find nothin to object to. Then I showed him the motto
at its head, taken from his own words about the freedom of the press,
an then I telled him I wanted him to go with me to Montgummery, an see
ef the thing couldn't be fixed. So we went over, an you never see a man
stare so as Montgummery did. Ses he, "Majer Downing, I'm tickled to see
you. I think you have slighted me sence you've been in Washington.
You've been to see nigh about all the members of the Cabynet except
me." "Wal," ses I, "I don't go around much, except on bizness for the
Kernel; but now," ses I, "I've cum on another arrand; I've cum to see
why you don't allow all the Dimmycratic newspapers to go in the mails?"
"Wal," ses he, "Majer, that's jest wat I'm goin to do. It was bad
bizness for us that we ever stopped these papers. It made more votes
for the Dimmycratic party than eny other cause. The truth is, it never
was my policy. I never did beleeve in it, and now they all see it must
be given up." Ses I, "Mister Blair, ef you didn't beleeve in it, you
orter have refused to do it. That ain't the way the old Ginneral acted,
an he's my model. Ef he thought enything was rong, there warn't a
mortal man, high or low, that could have got him to do it. He would
have died afore he would do wat his conscence told him warn't right, an
it's them kind of men that are great men, an will save our country, ef
it ever is saved." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, you're about right, an I
don't think I shall stay in this bote much longer. Things are goin from
bad to wus." "Yes," ses I, "they are like old Sol Hopkins's dyin cow,
'gettin no better very fast.'" "But," ses he, "Majer, you can rest easy
on the papers. We are goin back to the Free Press Principul, an let the
people have their own way." "Wal," ses I, "I'm glad to hear it. It's
about time there was a change."
So I bid him good-by, an went back to see the Kernel, who I found in a
peck of trubbil. Ses I, "What's the matter now!" for I saw at a glance
that sumthin was up. Ses I, "Is Burnside whipped agin, or is Stonewall
Jackson in our rear?" "No," ses he, "Majer, nothin of that sort, but
sumthin jest about as bad." "Wal," ses I, "what is it?" "Wal," ses he,
"there has jest been a committy here from the Senit who demand that I
shall change my Cabbynet. They say we don't have eny success, an the
peopul demand a change." Ses I, "Did you kick em down stairs?" "No,"
ses he, "I didn't." "Wal," ses I, "you orter. They mite jest as well
ask you to resign." Ses I, "Don't your Cabbynet agree in your policy?
Don't they do as you desire?" "Yes," ses he, "they do." "Wal," ses I,
"then what's the use of changin? If you intend to change your policy,
then it is reasonable to ask you to change your Cabbynet, but otherways
not." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, that's my idee exactly, but I didn't tell
em so; I thought I would wait an see what you thought of it." "Wal,"
ses I, "I see the hull cause of the rumpus. The defeat of Burnside has
made em so wrathy that they didn't know what to do, an they thought
they must find fault about sumthin." Ses I, "Fighten the rebils is jest
for all the world like bar huntin. A good menny years ago, when it was
common up in Maine, nigh about all the nabors would now an then turn
out to hunt a bar. If they caught him they used to have a grand time,
get up a big supper an drink whisky till they all got how cum you so.
But if they didn't ketch the bar, then one was blamin tother, an tother
anuther, an sumtimes the affair would end by gettin into a regular fite
all around. Jest so it is now. If Burnside had whipped the rebils, it
would all have been right." Ses Linkin, ses he, "Major, you're right.
But what am I do? They komplain about the Cabbynet, an want me to
change it." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I tell you how to fix it. Get the
Committy and Cabbynet face to face, an let 'em quarrel it out." "That
would be a capital idee, Majer, but how am I to do it?" "Wal," ses I,
"you jest call the Cabbynet together for twelve o'clock to-morrow, an
then send for the Committy, an put 'em in the same room together, an
see how the happy family will manage." The Kernel was struck with the
idee, an so the next day the Cabbynet were assembled, an pooty soon
after the Committy, with Fessenden as Cheerman, made their appearance.
You never see a more flustircated set of people in this world than
these men were. But there was no backin out. The Kernel called the
meetin to order, an sed he had received a good many komplaints, an he
wanted the matter fully discussed. Fessenden got up an sed that the
peeple were gettin tired of the war, an that the only way to satisfy
'em was to change the Cabbynet. Burnside had been defeated, Banks had
been sent a great ways off, when he was wanted at home, the sojers
warn't paid, the gunboats warn't finished, &c., &c. Chase got up first;
he sed if the sojers warn't paid it warn't his fault. The fact was,
that paper had riz onexpectedly, an his stock was low. Jest as soon as
paper got more plenty, an he got the new patent National Ten Cylendar
Revolvin Machine at work, the sojers would be all paid regular. Then
Stantin got up, puffin like a porpuss. Ses he, "Mr. President, these
ere remarks are impertinent, an if I had my way, I would send every one
of this Committy to the Old Capitol. I'de like to know what these men
know about war, and strategy. Why, they talk about the defeat of
Burnside. It is nonsense, sir; he ain't been defeated! The people are
humbugged by the newspapers. It's a pity there's a newspaper in the
land. They interfere with my strategy. Burnside has gained a great
success. He has discovered the strength of the enemy's works at that
pint, an now we know that some other route is the one to take, an not
that one. Ef it had not been for this battle, we shouldn't have found
that out. This Committy of old gentlemen, or old women, I had almost
said, don't understand the art of war. Their talk is sheer
impertinence. I'de squelch em with a proclamashin, if no other way."
Then grandfather Welles got up, an sed he didn't like to have fault
found because his gun-boats warn't reddy. He sed he would like to see
eny one who had worked harder than he had. He sed he hadn't slept but
fourteen hours a day for six months, while his naturel rest required
eighteen. He hed sacrificed all that for the good of his country, and
he didn't believe one of the Committy hed done as much. Blair got up
and said he didn't keer how quick they turned him out. He was reddy to
go eny time, as he thought the thing was about played out. Bates sed he
thought things looked more cheerful than ever before, as he hed jest
discovered that niggers could be citizens, and that the Dred Scott
decision was a humbug. When they all got thru, there was a ginnerel
talk all around, and they finally cum to the conclushin that there
warn't eny reason for a change after all, an they all went off in a
pretty good humor.
So the great Cabbynet crysis ended, and the Kernel feels like a new
man. My idee of gettin them all together face to face, the Kernel ses,
saved the nashun. That nite we set up till after midnight, and finally,
after takin a good swig of Old Rye, went to bed. The next morning the
Kernel was as merry as a lark, and could tell stories as well as ever.
Yours till deth,