_The President Nervous--The State Elections--Mr. Lincoln Astonished
--He Takes Cordial--Mr. Seward Turns Democrat--The Major Tells a
Story--Mr. Seward and the Major Take a Drink--How John Van Buren
got Gen. Scott's Letter--Mr. Stanton on the Elections._
WASHINGTON, Oct. 20th, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
SURS: Wal, the Kernel has ben sick agin. It is astonishin how littel
takes him down now-a-days. His constitushin seems to be eenamost clean
gone. Old rye don't do much good, an I've tried all sorts of medicin,
but nothin seems to work well. This time his narves were terribly
worked up, an he was so fidgety, that I koncluded to try Godfrey's
Cordial. This cooled him down a dood deal, and but not until he tuk
nigh unto four or five bottles full. The cause of all this flutter was
the recent elecshins in Ohio, Indiany an Pennsylvany. The Kernel had
been told by Sumnure, Greeley an Andrews that the only way to carry the
elecshins this fall, was to issoo an emancipashun proclamashun; that if
he didn't do it, the party would be completely whipped out in every
State. So he koncluded to try it, but wen the returns cum in, you never
did see such a woe-begone lookin man. One nite he heerd sum bad news
from Ohio, an gettin up in his nite gown, he cum to my room and axed
what I thought about it. I struck a light an got out my slate. The
Kernel had Greeley's last year's almanac in his hands. Ses he, "Majer,
let's go down to the telegraf offis, and see how the majorities run, an
we can be able to give a guess that will cum as nigh to it as the jump
of a rabbit." So I jist put on my duds, an off we went. The news cum in
thick an fast, an as the feller at the telegraf read off the figgers, I
put 'em down on my slate, an the Kernel compared them with his own
majorities in Greeley's primer. I see he was turnin all sorts of
colors, an finally, ses he, "Majer, we are gone jist as kompletely as
if we were up Salt River now, instead of bein here. I'de jest like to
swap places with sum hoss-jockey, an go into the hoss contract line."
Ses he, "Majer, let's go hum. I've seen all of this elephant that I
want to." So he crammed his coat-tail pocket full of despatches, an off
we started. When he got hum, ses he, "Majer, my administrashin is the
biggest failyure that ever tuk place in the history of this or eny
other country. I now see that jest as plain as I see that bottle of old
rye there. I've listened to those infernal fools, Sumnure an Greeley,
an a pretty scrape they have got me in."
Ses I, "Kernel, it ain't my natur to hit a man wen he is down, or to
hurt anybody's feelins by referrin to the past. But," ses I, "don't
you rekollect the story about 'applyin the principle?'" Ses he, "Yes,
I do; I recollect it well." "Wal," ses I, "now see the _result_ of
'applyin the principle.' I told you then that you'd get scorched wus
than Zenas Humspun did in meddlin with the telegraf, if you undertook
to carry out the principle of Abolishun, but you sed the thing must
tech the bottom, an you was bound to put it through. Now, you see, the
people don't support you. They don't want niggers made equal to white
men, nor they don't want 'em freed to be a tax on 'em. A few fellers
like Greeley, whose brains all seem to run to bran-bread, an free luv,
or some other moonstruck nonsense, an some larned fools like Sumnure,
want to try the experiment, but they don't represent the people. So you
see, Kernel, that in applyin the principle you have kicked yourself
over, an I only menshin it to show you that if he had followed my
advice you would not have had these grate defeats to mourn over."
The Kernel looked very solem, an ses he, "Majer, I know I'd been a
great deal better off if I'd followed your advice all through these
trubbils, but you see I had to go with my party, and if it had carried
me to the other side of Jordon, I s'pose I should have gone with it."
That nite I thought the Kernel would go into spasms, he was so nervous.
I got some hot water, an soaked his feet in it, rubbed his bowels with
brandy, an laid flannel on 'em, an bathed his temples in camfire an
rum. But he grew wus all the time. Finally, I began to pore the Cordial
down him, an then he commenced to revive. But he didn't sleep scacely a
wink all nite. In the mornin he was the most limpsy piece of mankind I
ever did see. I ralely believe he might have been tied in a knot like
an eel, he was so limber.
Jest a little while after breakfast, who should come in but Seward? He
hadn't hardly spoken to me sence I blowed him for alterin the Kernel's
Constitushinal Teliskope, but this mornin he was as perlite an as
clever as he could be. Ses he, "Majer, the elecshin news is good, an
_our_ party is successful." Ses I, "Mr. Seward, I don't understand
you." "Why, Majer," ses he--and he put on one of the queerest smiles I
ever see on a man's face--"don't you know I have turned Dimmocrat?" Ses
I, "You don't say so." "Yes," ses he, "I'm a Dimmocrat now, an no
mistake." The Kernel looked as if thunder had struck him. "Wal," ses I,
"Mr. Seward, that reminds me of a story, as the Kernel would say."
"Wal," ses he, "Majer, what is it? I always like to hear your stories.
They are so pat." "Wal," ses I, "mebby this will turn out to be a
little patter than you like; but, howsoever, as I never spile a good
story for acquaintance sake, I will tell it. Once on a time, it is
said, an old coon went out of a night to get some fodder among the
cornfields, an did not return to his hole until near mornin. Wen he got
hum he saw a skunk had taken possession of his hole. He went up, an ses
he, 'Who's there?' The skunk replied, 'A coon.' 'Are you a coon?'
'Yes,' said the skunk, 'I'm a coon.' 'Wal,' sed the coon, 'you don't
look like a coon; you don't act like a coon, and I'll be darned ef you
_smell_ like a coon.'"
"Now," ses I, "Mr. Seward, you may be a Dimmocrat, but you don't look
like one, nor act like one, nor smell like one, an I'll be darned ef I
believe you are one."
Ses he, "Majer, you are rather personal." "Wal," ses I, "I don't mean
any offence, an," ses I, "if you really mean to be a Dimmocrat, let's
take a drink of old rye over the victories in Ohio, Pennsylvany and
Indiany." So he cum up an we both took a good swig of wiskey. The
Kernel looked at us an grit his teeth. "Wal," ses he, "ef you are goin
to rejoice in my defeat, I'll go over an call on Stantin, an see ef he
can't cheer me up." So the Kernel went off. After he'd gone, Seward an
I tuk another nip of the old rye, an purty soon we tasted of it agin.
The Seckretary is a capital drinker, an he knows what good licker is as
well as eny feller I ever see. Finally he got in a very good humer, an
ses he, "Majer, we've been bad friends long enough." So he actually
hugged me, and sed there warn't a man that ever lived that he loved so
much as the old Ginneral, an next to him his friend Majer Downing. Wen
I thought I'd got him in a good humer an he was very talkative, ses I,
"Mr. Seckretary, kin you tell me how John Van Buren got that letter of
Ginneral Scott's?" Ses he, "Yes, Majer, I kin. You know I don't want
that feller Wadswurth elected, for he's my bitter political inemy; so
the way the letter got out was this:--Weed, you know, is my chum. Now,
we have an understandin that everything that I can't tell him I put in
my right hand coat-tail pocket. You see then I can deny that I made it
public. That pocket is Weed's pocket, an he always goes to it for
secrets. Wal, I put the letter in that pocket, an Weed got it from
there. Weed also has just such a pocket. All smart politishins have
such a pocket. Now, Weed's chum is Ben Welch, Commissary Ginneral, an
Ben got it out of Weed's pocket. Now, John has long been a chum of
Ben's, an he got it out of Ben's pocket. That's the way that this
letter got out, that there is so much mystery about."
Rite off after this the Kernel came in, an we had to drop the
conversashin, for Seward gave me the wink as much as to say that he
didn't want Linkin to know everything about it.
Then I asked the Kernel what Stantin sed. He sed Stantin was in favor
of issooing a proclamashin, over the grate victories of the
Administrashin in Ohio, Indiany, Pennsylvany an Iway. He sed the people
didn't put any faith in newspapers any more, an a proclamashin declarin
that the elecshins had all gone favorabul would be believed without
winkin. Stantin thinks there ain't nothin so powerful as a
proclamashin. Seward said afore it was done, the Cabbynet had better be
called together. Here the matter dropped, an as the Kernel looked
uncommon blue, I left him to his own reflecshins, an went up-stairs to
my room.
Yours till deth,