_A Cabinet Meeting--The President Calls for the Opinion of Each
Member--Speeches of Seward, Chase, Stanton, Blair, Welles, Smith and
Bates--The Major Called on for an Opinion--The Peperage Log Story--The
Majer oposes an Armistice--No Conclusion Arrived at._
WASHINGTON, Sept. 13th, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
SURS:--Sech a time as we've had here sence I writ you last, you never
heered tell on. One time we all thought that the Secesh would take us,
bag and baggage; but we feel easier now, an everybody is hopin that the
crysis is past. Rite in the midst of the tribbelation, Linkin called a
meetin of the Cabynet to consult on the tryin state of affairs, an he
insisted that I must meet with 'em, as it was no time to stand on
precidents an _ceterys_, an beside, he sed he wanted the help of every
ounce of loyal brains in the country. Ses he, "Majer, I kin depend on
you, for though you sometimes give me a hard hit, yet you've allers got
the good of your country at hart." Ses I, "Kernel, I'm much obleeged to
you for your good opinion, an I kin assure you that every word of it is
true. Ef there's a man on this arth that has a truer love for his
country than I have, I would like to see him;" an ses I, "Kernel, I'll
tell you why my country seems so dear to me. I'm an old man now, nigh
on eighty years old; I recollect when Jefferson beat that old Federal,
John Adams, in 1800. I warn't old enough then to vote for him, though I
wanted to; but wen he run the second time I voted for him, an done all
I could for his election. Wal, I've been a Dimmecrat from that day rite
down to the old Ginneral's time, an I'm a Dimmecrat yit; but I love my
country above all parties. An one reason why my country is so dear to
me is, because I haven't got enything else to love now. Nigh about all
my relashins are dead an gone, an there ain't enything on arth left me
to love but my country; an wen I see it distracted, divided an bleedin,
it makes me cry; an," ses I, "Kernel, I can't help it."
"Wal," ses the Kernel, "Majer, it's oncommon hard for old men like you,
I know; but you jest meet with the Cabynet this mornin, an let us see
ef some new plan can't be adopted to get out of this scrape."
So wen the time cum, I took my hickery, an went in. Purty soon the
different members cum droppin in, one by one, an all seemed highly
tickled to see me except Seward, who has never forgiven me for exposin
his decepshin on Linkin wen he altered my "Constitushinal Teliskope."
After they all got seated, ses Linkin, ses he, "Gentlemen, there's no
use eny longer of doin like the ostrich does--stick our heads in a
sandbank an say that we 'don't see it,' for we're whipped an driven
back--in a word, we have failed. Now, the rale question is, Why have we
failed? What is the cause of it? Jest as soon as we kin find out the
reason of our failure, we shall know what to do to remedy it. Now," ses
the Kernel, "I want every one of you to give me your frank, blunt
opinion as to the reason. First, I will call on Mr. Seward."
Seward got up, lookin as pale as a sheet, an ses he, "Wal, it ain't my
fault. I've paid no attenshin to the war, but have had my hands full in
keepin furrin nashins from interferin, an I've succeeded; but ef I
should give my opinion of the cause of the failure of our efforts to
restore the Union, I would say it was owin entirely to the
ultra-Republicans, who wanted to kill slavery before they scotched it.
This let the cat out of our bag before the rite time. It aroused an
united the South an divided the North. They saw what we were after. Ef
my policy had been followed of pacifyin the South an of talkin 'Union'
to the North, we would have scotched the snake of slavery, an then we
could have killed it at our leisure."
Then Linkin called Chase. He commenced by saying that he did not agree
with Mr. Seward as to the cause of our failure. He sed it was jest this
dilly-dally policy that had ruined us. Congress had done its duty, but
the President had not yet dared to make the rebils feel the power of
Congress. He sed he had kept the army supplied with "greenbacks," an
that was all he had to do. He had done his duty, but he didn't beleeve
we would ever succeed until we fit for liberty an the overthrow of
slavery. We should allers fail to restore the Union until we did it.
Then Stantin spoke. He sed "he thought one grate cause of our failure
was because he had not kept on issooing his proclamashins, as he did at
first. He sed he thought his proclamashin about 'the sperit of the
Lord' enabled our soldiers to take Nashville. Then," ses he, "Ginneral
McClellan is too slow. He might have been made for a ralerode engineer,
where there was no hurry about buildin the road, but he was never cut
out for a Ginneral. He was a failure, and hence it wos a failure all
round."
Then Blair spoke up. "Wal," ses he, "ef there's a man done his dooty,
it's me. I've stopped every paper in the mails that wouldn't endorse
the policy of the Administrashin; hence the people have only seen
arguments on one side. Ef we've failed, therefore, it can't be because
the people's readin hasn't been well looked after. I haven't allowed
their minds to be pisened by eny 'copper-head' Dimmocratic doctrines.
Nothin but anti-slavery sentiments kin get through the mails now. Ef
we've failed, I think it must be because Seward and Stantin have not
been more strict in arrestin men who talked----"
Here Seward an Stantin both jumped up an declared that Blair was very
onjust, an sed they had arrested every man they could get anything
agin, an a good menny that they couldn't get anything agin.
Wal, Blair sed, "enyhow, the failure was not his fault. Ef they didn't
beleeve him, let them ask his father, who knew more about politics than
eny other man in the country!"
[Illustration: "Seward an' Stantin both jumped up an' declared that
Blair was very onjust."--page 154.]
Then old Welles got up, looking very sleepy. He sed "the failure could
not be charged agin the Navy. It was the most wide-awake institushin of
the age. It had achieved _all_ the victories." [Here Stantin jumped up
agin, but Welles wouldn't yield the floor.] "The army couldn't do
anything without his gunboats. Every time the rebils got at them, they
had had to retrete to _his_ gunboats. In his opinion the army had
failed, because it could not carry his gunboats with it. He sed he had
been try in to invent a plan to furnish each regiment with a gunboat
for land service. Ef he could do that, he thought Richmond might be
taken early next spring! The only thing in all the war that had not
been a failure were his gunboats!"
Then Mr. Smith, an old man from out West, got up. He sed "he belonged
to the interior, and didn't know much about what was goin on. He had
heered say there was a war in progress, and that there had been some
pretty tall fightin, but he didn't know whether it had been a success
or a failure. Ef we had failed, he thought it must be because we had
not been successful, an ef we had succeeded, he thought it must be
because we hadn't failed!"
Mr. Bates sed "he agreed with Mr. Smith, except in one pint. He had
heerd, within a day or two, for the first time, that we had failed.
Upon lookin over Blackstun to see ef there was eny case like it, he had
been much disappinted in not findin eny. He thought we must have failed
because we had not follered Blackstun."
After he got thru, Linkin called upon me. I jest hauled up my old
hickery and laid it on the tabil, an then puttin my elbows on the tabil
to rest myself, I began. Ses I, "Kernel, I feel kinder scary to giv my
opinion rite here, after sech a display of larnin an eloquince; but,"
ses I, "as I understand the questshin, it is this: We've been fightin
to restore the Union, an we've failed. Now, what is the cause of the
failure?" Ses I, "Is that it, Kernel?" Ses he, "Yes, Majer; that's it,
exactly." "Wal," ses I, "I allers want to get on the track afore I
start, an then I kin tell purty nigh where I will fetch up. Now," ses
I, "Kernel, I want to ask you a questshin: _Did you ever try to split
a peperage log!_" "No," ses he, "Majer, I never did. Nobody would be
sech a consarned fool as to try an split a peperage log." "Wal," ses I,
"Kernel, suppose some feller should cum to you an tell you that he had
been a year an a half tryin to split a peperage log, an couldn't do it,
that he had failed, an wanted you to tell him what to do, what would
you say to him?"--"Say to him!--why, I should tell him he might jest as
well whistle at the log as to try to split it--that it warn't in the
natur of sech knotty, nerly, cross-grained timber to split; in other
words, that he was tryin to do an onpossibul thing." "Now," ses I,
"Kernel, that's jest my idee about tryin to save this Union by fightin!
You're tryin to do an onpossibul thing. After a year an a half of
fightin, you all acknowledge that you have failed, an all the Cabynet
is wonderin why you have failed. Now, it ain't no wonder to me. You
have failed jest because, in the very natur of things, what you are
tryin to do can't be done in that way. You're takin the rong way to do
it."
Wen I sed this, you never did see sech a flutter. Stantin turned very
red in the face, and sed "that I orter be sent to Fort Lafayette." I
telled him that I wasn't afeered of all the Forts this side of
Purgotary, and that I should speak my mind till my dyin day, let what
would happen. That cooled him down. Then I told the Cabynet that the
only way to get out of this scrape was to have an armistiss, stop the
fightin, and go to talkin--that both sides had had enuf of bloodshed
now to satisfy them, an that the only way to get at a settlement was to
do that. They took a vote on it, an all voted for it except Linkin,
Chase and Welles. The Kernel sed he was so committed to the Abolishin
Governors of the North, that he couldn't go for the armistiss. Chase
sed, "ef it comes to that, then all the money has been spent for
nothin, an I shall be cussed for the debt forever an ever." Old Welles
sed that he thought we should be successful jest as soon as he got his
new Patent Land Gunboats in operashin, an he was for fightin the thing
out! The other members of the Cabynet sed they thought they could back
out without much trubbel. Seward sed he never see a hole so small that
he couldn't, on a pinch, get through, especially with Weed to help him.
He thought he should turn Dimmocrat! Stantin sed he intended to jine
the church, and turn Methodist precher. Blair sed he didn't know what
he should do till he consulted his father! He knew the old man could
help him out. Smith an Bates sed they should return to the buzzum of
their families, an, if necessary for their safety, put on krinoline!
No conclusion, however, was cum to about the armistiss. The Kernel
can't bring himself up to the idee yet. Ef the Governors were only in
favor of it, he should do it at once. So I suppose, for the present, we
shall keep on tryin to do an onpossibul thing--to git the Union by
fightin for it. Depend upon it, tryin to split peperage logs ain't
nothin to it.
Yours till deth,