_The Science of "Military Strategy"--The Major's Opinion Upon it--A
Call From the Secretary of the American and Foreign Benevolent Society
for Ameliorating the Condition of the Colored Race--His Speech--The
President's Reply--A Curious Prayer--The Major's Opinion on Slavery
--The Critical Condition of Affairs--Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story._
WASHINGTON, Sept. 2, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
SURS:--Sence I writ you last I've been studyin military strutegy. It is
a grate science. Our army, down in Virginny, has been in grate strates
lately, an if it hadn't been for military strutegy it would have all
been taken prisoners. Ses the Kernel to me, the other day, ses he,
"Majer, what do you think that military strutegy consists in?" "Wal,"
ses I, "Kernel, it consists in gettin out of your enemy's way wen he's
too much for you, an gettin in his way wen you're too much for him."
Ses I, "Kernel, I don't know whether that is down in the books, but
that's the common sense view of the subject." "Wal," ses Linkin,
"whatever strutegy consists in, we don't seem to have a bit of it, for
we get in the enemy's way jest wen he's too strong for us, an get out
of his way wen he ain't too strong for us. I'm gettin eenamost
discouraged with this kind of military strategy." "Wal," ses I,
"Kernel, you've got too many Ginnerals an too many armies. There's too
many fellers, with more brass in their faces than there is in their
buttons, who want to be the biggest toad in the puddle. Now, there
can't be but one big toad, an so there can't be but one head Ginneral.
You ought to make one man Command-in-Cheef, an make him take the field,
so that he can see for himself how matters are goin. Ginneral Hallick,
here in Washinton, ain't the thing."
"Wal, Majer, there is no use of cryin over spilt milk. The troops down
in Virginny have been very roughly handled agin by the rebils, an have
got so mixed up that it will require a grate deal of strutegy to get
them straitened out. The question is, what is to be done?"
Jest as I was about to give the Kernel some advice, who should come in
but Sumnure, an a feller with a white handkercher around his neck, an
two or three other solemn-lookin chaps. The feller in a white kercher
spoke up, an ses he, "Mr. President, we're come to sympathize with you
in the nashin's afflicshin, for the Lord has agin beat us with
stripes--ah. Mr. President, I'm chief Secretary of the American and
Foreign Benevolent Society for Ameliorating the Condishin of the
Colored Race--ah--an I have been appinted Cheerman of a Committee to
wait on you an express to you our opinions in the present fearful
crisis in our country's history. Our society, which is composed of all
the most pious maiden ladies in our town--ah--who are over forty years
of age, an, therefore, may be considered wise and discreet, desire me
to express to you their deep conviction that God will never bless our
armies with victory--ah--so long as you do not fight for the freedom of
our dearly beloved colored brethren--ah. Our Society, Mr. President,
has given the condishin of our colored brethren great attenshin--ah.
You can judge of the extent of our labor wen I inform you that the
sisters of our Society have distributed the past year to our colored
brethren in Liberia, 500 flannel shirts--ah--600 wool socks--ah--100
Bibles--ah--100 Tracts on Temperance--ah--500 toothpicks--ah--and a
large supply of cologne water--ah! We should have been glad to have
supplied the sufferin bondmen of the same oppressed race in our own
country, but the vile rebellion of the infernal slaveholders has
prevented. We ask you now to proclaim liberty to the captives, and 'let
the people go'--ah. Do not let your heart be hardened as Parroh's was,
but save our land from sorrow, an our armies from further defeat by a
decree of righteousness. Then will the Lord smile on us, an then shall
glory cover the land--ah."
I believe I've got that speech down purty nigh as the feller delivered
it, for he spoke very slow an stately, as if he was tryin to make an
impreshin. Wen he got thru, Linkin got up, and ses he, "Mr. Secretary,
I'm kinder glad to see you, and will only say that we need all the help
about these times we can get, an if I thought the Lord would only help
us lick the rebils, I would free the niggers. An if I thought he would
help us by freein 'em, I would do that. In fact, whatever I do, an
what--I don't do, I do it, or I don't do it, jest as I think the Lord
will be most likely to help us. The great thing is to get the help of
the Lord, an I shall adopt new views on this pint jest as far as I
think they are good views." Wen Linkin got thru, I pulled him by the
coat-tail, an ses I, "Kernel, Seward himself could not have beat that
non-committal speech." Ses he, "Hush, Majer, don't throw all the fat
into the fire." Jest then the feller in the white hankercher spoke up,
an ses he, "let us pray," an at it he went. Ses he, "Oh Lord, throw
grate lite upon the mind of our Chief Magustrate--ah--give us victorys
over the rebils--ah--give us this yere grate victorys--ah--not such
little victories as we had last yere--ah--but crush the rebils with the
arm of thy power. Amen--ah." After this, they all shuck hands, an went
away. After they had gone, ses the Kernel, ses he, "Majer, that's a
wonderful pious chap." "Yes," ses I, "Kernel, I think he is, in his
way, but," ses I, "findin falt with the Lord, bekase He don't give us
bigger victories, ain't much like the Christians of arly days." Ses I,
"His prayer for big victories reminds me of old Joe Bunker's prayer.
Joe was a wicked old sinner who swore wus than a saleyur. One day he
was a swarein' kos he didn't hev better corn. Some one told him he
orter pray for good corn, if he wanted it. So one day some one was
goin' long the road by the old feller's corn-field, and hearin' a
noise, they stopped, and who should the noise cum from but the miserly
old skinflint Bunker, who was prayin. Ses he, 'Oh, Lord! give us a good
crop of corn this yere, long ears, long as your arm, not sich d--d
little nubsbins as we had last yere.' Now," ses I, "Kernel, I think
thar's a great deal of simularity 'tween them two prayers, and I think
the Lord is jest about as likely to answer one as 'tother." Ses I,
"Kernel, you could bust up fifteen Unions easier than you could destroy
slavery." Ses he, "Majer, I don't see into that ezackly, and I'd like
to know the reason why." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, the reason is jest
this: men made the Union, but God made slavery, and I tell you," ses I,
"Kernel, when you undertake to butt agin that, you butt agin a big
subjec." Ses I, "Ain't every body been fightin slavery for the last
thirty years, and haven't they all cum off second best, while nigger
slavery has been growin' and expandin in spite of 'em? God made the
nigger to sarve and obey the white man, and until he's altered and made
anuther being, you can't make him enything but a sarvent. These
fellers, like that white cravated chap, who was jest here, and who
employ their time sendin flannel shirts and tooth-picks to the wild
nigger in Afriky, don't know nothin' more about niggers than they do
'bout the interior of the arth. You might presarve all the brains
they've got in a drop of brandy, and they would have as much sea-room
as a tad-pole in Lake Superior."
"Wal," ses Linkin, ses he, "Majer, let's drop the nigger jest now, as I
want to ask you whether you think the rebils kin take Washington?"
"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, that depends upon strutegy agin. Ef you keep
Ginnerals in the field who don't pay eny attention to 'lines of
retrete,' afore you know it, Kernel, that feller with a Stonewall in
his name, will be around on the North side of the White House, an I'm
afeered my 'line of retrete' to Downingville will be cut off." "That's
so, Majer, and my retrete to Springfield may be a hard road to travel."
When Linkin made this remark, he looked kinder oneasy. I didn't know
what to say, so I did jest what I allers do in that case, I whistled!
Ses Linkin, ses he, "Majer, are you whistlin to keep your courage up?"
Ses I, "No, Kernel, I ain't afraid a mite, but," ses I, "I'm in what
old Deacon Doolittle calls a quandary." Ses he, "What's your quandary?"
"Wal," ses I, "I was thinkin what I would do ef the rebils should take
Washington." The Kernel didn't say nothin for about a minute. He looked
very serious, and finally, ses he, "Majer, we're in a tight place, an
there is no use denyin it, but it don't do any good to get into a fit
of hysterices about it." "Yes," ses I, "Kernel, but it makes me feel
solem to see this grate Old Ship of State knockin around, an, may be,
jest reddy to sink." "Wal, Majer," ses the Kernel, "that remark reminds
me of a story. A good many years ago, an old feller, a free an easy
chap, owned a steamboat on the Missippi river, an he was a grate
fiddler. He had nothing to do, an ginnerally went up an down the river
on the boat, spending his time in fiddlin, an tellin stories. One day
the boat struck a snag, an was fast fillin with water. The old feller
was in the cabin sawin away on his fiddle when the boat struck, but he
paid no attenshin to it, but kept rite on fiddlin. Finally, one of the
passengers came in an told him that the captain warn't tryin to save
the boat as he ought, and that she would be lost in ten minutes. 'Wal,'
ses the old feller, 'she's been a _loosin_ concarn for five years,' and
he kept on fiddlin. Pretty soon another passenger rushed in, and
screamed out 'She's settlin very fast.' Ses he, 'I wish she'd _settle_
with me before she goes down,' an still he kept on fiddlin. The next
that was seen of him he was swimmin ashore, with his fiddle under his
arm an the bow in his mouth. Now, Majer, if they take Washington, and
the ship sinks, _we'll swim ashore_!"
"Yes," ses I, "Kernel, and I suppose you will take the nigger with you,
jest as that old feller did the fiddle, for the nigger has been the
fiddle your party has played on!"
The Kernel didn't seem to like this application of his story, but he
didn't say a word. I felt very solemn, for I couldn't help feelin
eenamost like crying when I thought how this grate nashin might all be
shipwrecked afore he knew it, by a set of fellers who have been so
taken up with the nigger as to let the country go to destruction.
I went to bed that nite with a heavy hart, an had a terribul attack of
bilyusness, which I had to take nigh onto a gallon of elder-bark tea to
cure. Sence then I've been better, an if God spares my life I'll keep
you posted about our nashinal affairs as long as there is a nashin.
Your frend,