_The Major Returns to Washington--Things Get Mixed Up--Lincoln and
the Panther--Splittin Rails and the Union--The Major and the President
Visit Gen. McClellan's Army--Going up James River--Alarm of the
Rebels--Exciting Scene on Board the Boat--Nobody Hurt--The President
Reviews the Troops at Harrison's Landing--The Return Trip--The
President and Party Bathe in the Potomac--Almost a Catastrophe--The
Major's Life-Preserver--The Moral of it--The President Proposes a
Conundrum._
WASHINGTON, July 21, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
Wal, here I am back agin to Washington. I didn't expect to cum on
before fall, at eny rate, but I got a letter from Linkin, tellin me he
couldn't do without me, no how. He sed that the bars were all down
since I left, and that the cattle, an hosses, an hogs, an sheep, an
mules, were all mixed up together. Now, every farmer knows what a mess
it makes of it wen you git fat cattle, an the cows, an the sheep, an
hosses, an hogs, all muddled together in one lot. I see, at once, the
pickle Linkin was in, an so I detarmined to push off for Washington
once more, an see ef I couldn't help him out. It was oncommon hot
wether, an it pulled down purty hard on a constitushin which has had to
go thru about eighty sich summers. Howsoever, no one ought to stand
about hot wether in the sarvice of his country, even ef he don't git a
salary, or have a contrack, or some brother or son where he kin make a
pile. I never had a cent for all I've done, and wouldn't take it. I
think, ef there is any human critter on arth who is meaner than
another, it is the one who plunders the people, all the while
purtending to be a patriot. Wen I arriv, ses I, "Kernel, what's the
matter?" Ses he, "Majer, did you ever hear of the story of a man who
caught a panther by the tail?" Ses I, "Yes, Kernel, I have." "Wal," ses
he, "I'm that man. I've got the biggest he-panther by the tail that you
ever heerd tell of. Ef I was splittin rails I'de know jist what to do."
"Why," ses I, "Kernel, what could you do then?" "Wal," ses he, "jest
stick his tail in the crack of the log, knock out the wedge, and run.
But you see, Majer, I ain't splittin rails now, an that plan won't
work." "Now," ses I, "Kernel, you ain't splittin rails, but I'm afeerd
you're splittin somethin else." Ses he, "What?" Ses I, "THE UNION!"
"Now, Majer," ses the Kernel, "you don't think I want to split the
Union, do you?" "No," ses I, "I don't know as you're raley _tryin_
to split it, but then you've been such a splitter all your life, that
perhaps you are doin it unbeknown to yourself. You see, Kernel, as long
as you stick to them Abolishinists, jest so long the Union will not
only stay split, but the split will grow wider. They are the wedge an
you are the mallet. You jest knock the wedge out, an the Union will cum
together jest like shuttin up a jack-nife. You see, they hold that some
of the States have got an institushin which they consider rong, and
they are detarmined to uproot it. In tryin to do that, they'll split
everything all to smash, an by the time they get thru, it will look as
ef lightnin had struck this country from Maine to Texas, in spots not
more than six inches apart."
"Wal," ses the Kernel, ses he, "Majer, that brings up a great moral
questshin, as the nigger said when he was stealin chickens, an we ain't
got time to discuss it now. You see, Majer, I sent for you to know what
I better do about McClellan. I git all sorts of contradictory stories
from his army, an I'm puzzled most to deth to know what to do." "Wal,"
ses I, "Kernel, there's nothin like goin in the field yourself, an
examine for yourself ef you want to know how things stand." "Wal," ses
he, "that's jest what I've been thinkin of, an as you're a military
man, I wanted you to go with me." I telled him I had no objecshin to
goin, an that ef I had a fair chance I thought I could tell about how
things looked. So we got reddy, and the Kernel asked old Blair's son
Frank and Sekertary Stantin's chief clark to go along with us. We went
down the Potomack, an jest called at Fort Monrow, and then went up the
Jeems River to Harrisin Landin. Goin up the river we kept a sharp
look-out for the rebils, who line the bank and shoot at our botes. I
told the Kernel that he must be mitey kerful an not get hit, as the way
stocks would tumble in Wall street would be a caushin. So I tuk him
down stairs wen we come to the dangerous places. There they had the
bote lined with bales of hay. Ses he, "Majer, which way does the
shootin cum from?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, there's no tellin, but," ses
I, "you better get behind that bale, for it's a big one, an here's
another on t'other side, so I guess you'll be safe." While he was
settin there, ses he, "Majer, I ain't afeerd a hooter, but you see I
didn't want them seceshers to brag about killin me." "No," ses I,
"Kernel, that wouldn't do eny how." Jest then "bang" went sumthin like
a shot. The Kernel jumped about ten feet, rite across the bote, and hit
Frank Blair with his left boot rite where he ought not to. Frank
thought he'd been struck with a cannon-ball, and tumbled over, leavin
the seat of honor uppermost. Stantin's chief clark acted as ef he'd
been eatin poke-berries, and had an awful gripin in the bowels. It
seems one of the bales of hay had been tipped over when the Kernel give
his big jump, an hit the chap rite in his bread-basket. We were all
purty badly scart, for I tell you it makes a feller feel mighty narvous
wen he's in an inemies country, an may be hit eny moment with a
cannon-ball or a Minny bullet. Shootin will do very well as long as
sumbody else is shot at; but wen it cums to yourself, it makes you feel
week in the jints, an sumtimes brings on the die-area. Wen we cum to
find out, however, we learned we had a scare for nothin. The pilot, in
turning one of the short bends in the river, had jerked on his chains
too hard, an snapped one of them rite in two. This noise was what
sounded down in the cabin like a shot.
Wen we got to the landin, Ginneral McClellan had hosses reddy for all
of us to ride. Linkin chose a black one, and got on. Ses I, "Kernel, is
black your favorite color?" Ses he, "Majer, no joking now. This is
serious bisiness." So I got a white one. I can't ride quite so handy as
I did thirty or forty years, yet it is not every nag that could throw
me now. Linkin's sterrups were too short for his legs, though they were
let out jest as long as they could be. It kinked him up a good deal, an
before we got through reviewing the troops, ses he, "Majer, I can't
stand this bendin of my jints. I'm going to remedy it;" and so he jest
turned one leg over the hoss's neck and rode sideways the rest of the
time. The sojers cheered him as we went along, an seemed mity glad to
see him. In one place he got up on a brestwork an made a short speech
to 'em. He wound up by telling 'em that he had Majer Jack Downing,
Ginneral Jackson's old frend, with him. When he sed that, the cheers
were dubbled, an I paid my respects to the complyment by takin off my
hat an makin jest about the neetest bow that ever was.
After we had seen all the troops an made all the inquiries we wanted
to, we cum away. The seseshers did not trubbel us comin down the river,
an we soon once more were sailin up the Potomack. Comin up the river
the day was warm, an we all felt first rate that McClellan was as well
off as he was; the Kernel said he felt jest as if he would like to have
a swim. All hands agreed it would be a capital chance, an so Linkin,
and Blair, and Stantin's chief clark, undressed for a splurge in the
water. The Kernal asked me to go in too, but I telled him that, hot as
it was, my rumatiz would not allow it. Wen they got about reddy, now,
ses I, "Kernel, look out and don't go where the water is too deep, for
if you get tuckered out or have the cramp, you may not get back to the
bote." He sed "there warnt eny danger--that he hed swum the Mississippi
River nigh about all over wen he was a boy, and that he guessed he
could stand the Potomack." So off they went. Linkin could outswim the
hull party, and Blair an the other feller with him looked like sunfish
alongside a sturgeon. I thought likely Linkin mite overdo himself, or
get the cramp or sumthin, so I jest went to my valese and tuk out my
patent gutty perchy life-preserver. I ment to have it reddy if enything
happened. Wal, I hadn't more than got back to the side of the bote, wen
I seed the Kernel flounderin and kickin, and blowin, as ef he was
chokin.
Blair and Stantin's chief clark were tryin to help him, but it was like
the blind ledin the blind, an sech another muss in the water you never
did see. I saw it was time for my life-preserver, so I jest blowed it
up and hollered out to Linkin to ketch hold of it, an told Blair an the
other feller to let him alone, that that would save him. Wen Linkin got
hold of it he jest raised himself rite up, an looked as happy as a boy
with a new hat. He floated rite along towards the bote, an soon cum
aboard. Ses he, "Majer, I owe you a debt of etarnal gratitude. You've
saved my life." Ses he, "Majer, this life-preserver of yours is the
greatest article ever invented. Wen I get dressed I want to examine
it." So, purty soon, he cum in, an ses he, "Let's take a good look at
it." So I showed it to him. The first thing he saw on one side of it
was the following words: "_The Constitution as it is, and the Union
as it was._" Ses he, "Majer, what have you got that motto on a
life-preserver for?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I put that there because of
the similarity between the two things. Now, that preserver saved your
life, didn't it?" "Yes," ses he, "Majer, it did." "Wal, the _sentiment
in those words is the life-preserver of the country_. You can't any
more save the country without stickin to them, than you could have
saved yourself without holdin on to the life-preserver. You must stick
to the Constitution _as it is_, and not as Sumner and Greeley want it."
The Kernel began to look kinder struck up wen he see how I had him, an
so, seein my advantage, I kept on. Ses I, "Kernel, the truth is, you
are just now in swimmin with Greeley, an Sumner, an Wilson, an Lovejoy,
an Thad. Stevens, an it is no wonder the country is like you was jest
now, chokin and gaspin, and just reddy to sink. You must git out of
such kumpany, an the only way to do it is to lay hold of the
"_Constitushin as it is_," and ef you do that, you'll save the country
jest as easy as I saved you with that life-preserver." Ses he, "Majer,
hold up, you're drivin your hoss rite into my stable, an you don't give
me a chance to say whoa." Ses I, "Kernel, go ahed, an ef you can refute
what I've sed, I'd like to see you." Ses he, "Majer, do you know why a
man's face is like the eend of an old-fashioned house?" Ses I, "No,
Kernel, can't say I do," "Wal," ses he, "because it's his _gabble_
eend." "Wal," ses I, "that may be a good joke, but after all, Kernel,
it don't answer my arguments." But I couldn't get another word on
politics out of Linkin that day. He seemed to keep up more of a thinkin
than I'd ever seen him before. We all got home to the White House safe
that nite, an, on the hull, the trip had not only bin pleasant, but
profitable, for it will lead to some grate changes in a few days.
Yours, till deth,