_The Major Does not go to Downingville--Loses His Hickory--Gets a
Bottle of Whiskey by Adams Express Co.--The Major Declines to Sign the
Receipt at First--Whiskey and the Constitution--"The Constitushinal
Teliskope"--A Magical Change--Mr. Seward's Trick--The Major Discovers
it--A Negro in It._
WASHINGTON, June 18, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
SURS:--I expect you'll be struck all aback to git anuther letter from
me, dated Washington, and I'm kinder surprised myself, for I expected
to be in Downingville, long afore this. But you'll see by the time you
git through this letter, that it was impossibul for me to leave. I got
my trunks all packed up and ready to start, when lo! and beheld, my
hickery, that Ginneral Jackson give me, was missin! Now, I couldn't no
more travil without my hickery cane then I could sodder up this broken
Union with skim milk. I told Linkin I was all ready, but that my
hickery was missin. So he called the feller in putty bad close, who
does chores around the White House, and asked him if he'd seen it? He
sed he hadn't. Then I reckollected that there had been a Cabbynet
meetin the night before, and it struck me that some of the members had
walked off with it. So Linkin sent the feller around to see. After he'd
gone, I told Linkin ef any of 'em had it that I'd bet it was Stantin,
for ses I, "Kernel, ever sense he tried to get on your trowsers down to
Fort Monrow, he's acted jest as ef he wanted to play Ginneral Jackson,
and ef he can git a piece of hickery that the old Ginneral has handled,
he'd think that he was on the road to glory." Sure enuf he had it, but
pretended it was all a mistake, jest as he did when I caught him in the
Kernel's trowsers. Depend upon it, Stantin needs watchin, for he is one
of them kind of fellers who's got it into ther head that they are
forordained for somethin, and they don't know what.
The loss of my hickery kept me over one day longer, and the next day I
got the bottle of Borebon whiskey which you sent to me. A feller by the
name of Adams fetched it, and he wouldn't take any pay for his trubble
either. I asked him ef he was eny relashin to Phil Adams, who used to
keep a tanyard in Downingville, as he was a very clever man, and used
to do enything for his naybors for nothin. The chap laughed rite out
loud at this, and sed "He didn't see it." Ses I, "What don't you see?"
"Wal," sed he, "never mind, old feller, about tellin long stories, but
jest put your name rite down there," and he handed out a big book full
of writin. Ses I, "Mr. Adams, I never put my name to enything that I
don't understand." Ses I, "That may be a secesh docyment for all I
know." Ses the feller, ses he, "Git out! this is only a receipt for
that bottle." "Wal," ses I, "ef that's all, then here goes." So I got
my spectacles and a quill pen, for I never rite with eny of the
new-fangled kinds, and I jest rote out "Majer Jack Downing" in a stile
that made the fellow stare. Ses I, "Mr. Adams, you have some awful poor
riters among the fellers you deal with, but I ain't ashamed of that
ritin enywhere." The chap he looked at it a moment, and then he looked
at me, and finally ses he, "Bully for you," and in a jiffy he was off,
without even shakin hands or sayin good by.
After he was gone I took the bottle into Linkin's room and opened it.
"Now," ses I, "Kernel, let's try this licker." "Wal," ses he, "Major,
I'm a good judge of Borebon, for it comes from my old State of
Kentuck." Wen Linkin saw the name on the bottle, "Mr. Cotton, 306
Washington street, N.Y.," ses he, "Major, do you think this is loyal
wiskey?" "Why," ses I, "Kernel, what makes you ask that questshin?"
"Wal," ses he, "don't you see the man's name is _Cotton_!" "Now,"
ses I, "Kernel, what an idee that is! Do you suppose it would be
dangerous for him to live down in Secesh, where they are burning
_cotton_ as fast as they kin?" "Wal, never mind the name, Majer,
let us taste of the wiskey. I can tell whether its loyal or not." So I
opened the bottle and poured out some, and the Kernel took a good swig.
I also took a snifter, and we both pronounced it A No. 1 licker, and
loyal, too. "Now," ses I, "Kernel, can you tell me why this wiskey is
like the Constitushin of the United States?" "No," ses he, "I don't see
eny simularity." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, this wiskey was made for _White
Men_, jest as the Constitushin was." Ses he, "Majer, how do you know it
was made for white men?" "Wal," see I, "it is jest as plain to me as
daylight. You see, Kernel, the licker agrees with you. It tastes good.
It won't hurt you; in a word, it corresponds with natur. That's a sign
it was made for you. Jest so it was with the Constitushin. It applies
to white men exactly, and they've always got along together with it
fust rate. Now, you give this wiskey to the niggers, and they get drunk
on it, and cut up all sorts of scrapes, but white men, whom it was made
for, know jest how to use it, and it don't do them eny hurt. Jest so
with the Constitushin; you apply it to niggers and it is jest as bad
for 'em as wiskey. They don't know how to use it, an they'll destroy
everything, an make themselves an everybody else ten times worse off."
"Wal," ses the Kernel, ses he, "Majer, I wish I could see how it is
that the Constitushin don't apply to niggers jest as much as to white
men." Ses I, "Kernel, you don't look at the Constitushin thru
constitushinal spectacles. That Chicago Platform bothers you." "Now,"
ses I, "Kernel, ef I'll make you a Constitushinal Tellskope, will you
promise me to use it? If you will, it will be about as good a guide to
you as ef I staid here all summer myself?" Ses I, "It will show the
Constitushin as it is, an the Union as it was." Wen I spoke of this,
Linkin sed he'd be tickled eenamost to deth ef I would make him one. So
I told him I could do it in one day, an that although I was very anxus
to get hum, yet I'd fix this up before I started. So I jest went up to
my room and began to plan. I had a pair of old spectacles, which
Ginneral Jackson give me, and I knew that the glasses were jest as
sound constitushinal glasses as were ever looked thru. So I took 'em
out of the cases, an got a magnifyin glass and put between 'em, an
fixed 'em in a long, narrer box. It took me about all day before I got
it finished. Wen it was all done, I looked thru it, and you never see
sech a glorious site. I could see jest as ef it was the hull Union
layin out before me. There was the Stars and Stripes, an the eagle, an
thirty millions of white people, all happy an contented, an joy an
prosperity smilin everywhere. An the sky seemed to be bendin down so as
to almost tech the arth, an away up in the clouds I could see rais of
light streemin forth, an I thought I could even see the angil robes of
Washington, an Jefferson, an Madison, and the old Ginneral lookin down,
an rite over the hull was the words, "GLORY" and "PEACE," in grate big
letters. It was raley beautiful. I got a lookin at it, an forgot all
about myself, in a sort of a reveree, and wen I cum to, I found I'd
been cryin, because, you see, that was the Union _as it was_, an not as
it is now. In fact, wen I got awake, I found it was eenamost pitch
dark, an so Linkin couldn't look thru the Teliskope that nite. Then I
got a piece of chalk, an marked it "LINKIN'S TELISKOPE," an took it to
him.
"There," ses I, "Kernel, that Teliskope is done, an to-morrow you kin
take a look at the Union as it was, an the Constitushin as it is." Ses
I, "The scene is a glorious one." So I left the Teliskope in Linkin's
room that nite, an went to bed.
The next morning after I got my breakfast, I went in, "And now," ses I,
"Kernel, we must try the Teliskope." So I thought I'd look thru fust to
see ef the glasses were set all rite, wen I was never so took aback in
my life. Instead of the joy and happiness, and the smilin faces, and
the thirty millions of white people, the rais of lite in the sky with
"GLORY and PEACE" on em, all was dark and dismal. All I could see was
some 4,000,000 of niggers, and war, and bloodshed, and misery, camps
full of sick sojers and broken waggons, wimmen and children cryin, and
the sky was black, and away up on a black cloud, in letters still
blacker, I could see the words "NEGRO FREEDOM and WAR."
I jumped back as ef I was hit wen I saw it. Ses Linkin, "What's the
matter, Majer?" Ses I, "Kernel, that Teliskope is all out of order. It
ain't rite." But Linkin sed he hadn't teched it, so I was puzzled. So
after thinkin awhile, ses I, "Kernel, was there enybody here last nite
after I went away!" "Yes," ses he, "Boss Seward came in for a while and
talked over matters." Ses I, "Did he tech this?" "Wal, he was lookin
kinder inquirin at it, and I telled him what it was, and he seemed to
be grately struck, and examined it very clus."
"No," ses I, "that ackounts for it. The pesky critter has been playin
one of his cunnin tricks on me; but my name ain't Jack Downing ef I
don't expose him. No true constitushinal Teliskope will giv such a view
as that of the Union." So I sot down and took out my jack nife, and
went to work takin it all apart. I found the box all rite; there warnt
enything in the tube, and I was puzzlin myself what could be the
matter, when I slipped up the magnifying glass, and rite back of it was
a little bit of a _paper nigger_, black as the ace of spades, that
_that feller Seward had cunninly slipped in there_! You see that at
once ackounted for the hull troubbel, for the magnifin glass reflected
the nigger instead of what it would, naterally, the white man. After I
took the nigger out, it was all rite agin, and wen Linkin looked thru
it, he was perfectly astonished. "Now," ses I, "Kernel, you see that it
is tryin to put the nigger where he don't belong that is the cause of
all our trubbel. He don't belong in the Constitushin, and when we
undertake to put him ther it won't work. This trick of Seward's jest
shows you what he's up to. Now, Kernel, I'm going to start for
Downingville arly to-morrow mornin, and I'll leave you this Teliskope
so you can take a look at the Union _as it was_, and don't you let
Seward or Sumner, or any of them fellers, get hold of it. Wen you get
puzzled, jest go and look thru that, and you may depend upon it it will
lead you strate. If you get inter eny deep troubbel, write me and I'll
give you my advice, or ef you can't get along without me, I'll come
back after the Fourth is over, and stay with you till you get out of
this scrape with the rebils. I told you I would stick to you, and I
will." So I bid good bye to the Kernel and his wife that nite, reddy to
start in the early train in the mornin.
I intend to give you a full ackount of the celebrashin of the Fourth at
Downingville. Insine Stebbins, of the Downingville Insensibles, who
writ the piece of poetry on Mrs. Linkin's ball, and who was wounded at
Chickenhominy and cum hum with a furlong, is to be orater of the
occashin. Jerusha Matilda Jenkins, the darter of Deacon Jenkins, and
who went down to Port Roile to teech the contrarybands their primers,
will also be there. The Insine is a very smart chap, ef he is a
niggerite, and I expect he'll do himself creditable.