_The Major Troubled with his old Complaint, the "Rumatics"--He
Examines the Finances--Mr. Chase Frightened--The Major Figures up the
Accounts on His Slate--Returns and Shows the Result to Mr. Lincoln--He
is Astounded--The "Kernel and the Majer" Take Some Old Rye--The Major
Proposes to Return to Downingville to Spend the 4th of July._
WASHINGTON, June 8th, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
SURS:--It has been mity onpleasant wether sence I writ you last, an I
have had a rale sharp twinge of the rumatics. These cold rains in June
are hard on a constitushin that has had a tussle with nigh on to about
eighty winters; but howsever, with a little elder bark tee, my favorit
remedy wen it's mixed with a good deal of old rye, I've got now about
as good as new agin. So the other day I telled Linkin I was going to
finish up my sifering on the financies. He sed he wished I would, for
he was alreddy beginning to think about laying the foundashin for his
nex message, an he wanted the facts to put in. So I telled him he must
give me a letter of authority that I might show the Seckatary of the
Treasury, so that he would see that I warn't eny common chap coming to
pry into what was none of my business. So Linkin sat down an writ a
letter as follows:
"DEAR SUR:--Majer Jack Downing is authorized to examine into the
state of the financies _in partickelar_.
"A. LINKIN."
Wen the Kernel first writ the letter, he didn't have on the last two
words in italicks. I asked him to put 'em on, an he did. "Majer, what
do you want them words for?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, them words will
puzzle Chase eenamost to death, an will so trubbel him that he will
think ef he dares to keep back the truth, that you'll be sure to give
him his walkin papers. You see, Kernel, you must be a little mysterous
with these pollyticians, or else they don't get afeered of you."
I then put the letter in my hat, rite under the linin, an, takin my
slate under my arm, and my hickory in my hand, I started for the
Treasury buildin. It aint far from the White House, an I soon got
there. It's a mity big pile of stones, I tell you, and must have cost a
heep of money to have got it fixed up so nice. Jest as I was goin in
the door, I met Mr. Chase comin out. He knew me an I knew him, tho' he
didn't suspect for a minnit what I was after. Ses he, "Majer, I'm
mighty tickled to see you. It does my heart good to see a genuwine
loyal man in these days of rebellyn, an I know you're one." "Wal," says
I, "Mr. Seckatary, ef Ginneral Jackson was a loyal man, then I'm one,
and ef he warn't loyal then there ain't eny sich thing as loyalty." Ses
he, "Majer, you're rite, an what kin I do for you this mornin?" "Wal,"
says I, "Mr. Seckatary, I've come around to inquire into the state of
the financies. The President ses he's very busy, an bein as I was good
at figers, he wanted me to jest take a look at the books an see how the
ackounts stand."
Wen I sed this, I see he didn't look pleased at all. He began to make
sum sort of apologies, that the ackounts were behindhand, and so on,
but I telled him I warn't partickelar about all the little items, an
that I only wanted to get at the ginneral sum; but as he still seemed
to be hesitatin, thinks I to myself, now's the time to show him the
President's letter--that will fix him, sure. So I took off my hat and
showed it to him. Wen he red it he was as perlite as a nigger wen he
wants to humbug you. He looked at it a long time before he sed
enything. Wen he did speak, ses he, "Majer, what do these last words
'in partickelar' mean?" "Wal," ses I, "I don't know as I can tell. The
President put 'em in there, and I didn't ask him what he meant by 'em."
You see, I warn't goin to be fool enough to let him think I had
suggested his putting 'em there, for that would have spoilt all my
plans. I see he was worried, an that was jest what I wanted.
After that he asked me to come in his office, and he began to tell me
that the financies were in a very prosperous condishun. He took down a
big book which he sed his clarks had prepared for him, so that he could
see every Saturday night jest how much the Government was in debt. I
took a look at it, but I couldn't tell head nor tail to it. He sed they
kept their books by dubbel entry. I telled him that I should think that
a single entry would be as many times as such a debt as ours ought to
be chalked down. "Now," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, I want to get at this
subject in a way that 'plain people,' as the Kernel says, can
understand it." Ses I, "What is the debt now?" "Wal," ses he, "it is
$491,000,000." "Is that all?" ses I. "Why, in your report last winter
you estimated that it would be $517,000,000, and you don't say that it
is less than the estimate." "Wal," ses he, "Majer, that is what the
books say." "Now," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, them books by dubbel entry ain't
worth a peck of saw-dust. There was Deacon Doolittle's son, Hosea, of
Downingville, who went to York and set up the dry-goods business. Wen
he failed, his books showed that he was worth two hundred thousand
dollars, and yet he didn't have money enough to get his wife hum to his
father's. You see dubbel entry is a good deal like riding two horses at
once; you can't manage 'em, and things get so kinder mixed up in profit
and loss, and notes payable and notes receevable, that you can't tell
how you stand. Now," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, I want to ask you some
questshins by single entry, and I will put the ansers down on the
slate." Ses I, "Didn't you say in your report that the estemate for the
army was for 400,000 soldiers, $400,000,000; for 500,000 soldiers,
$500,000,000, and so on?" "Yes, Majer, that was the statement, I
beleeve." "Wal, now," ses I, "we can figer this down in short meter.
How many soldiers have you had?" "Wal," ses he, "over 600,000 have been
paid for, nigh about 700,000." "Now," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, you don't
want any dubbel entry, or threbbel entry to get at that; the
multiplicashun tabel is just as good a document as I want. Take that
and my slate, and I ken figer it up in a minnit. You see, there is
$700,000,000 at one slap. Your books may show what you have paid, but
you see, Mr. Seckatary, you are running this war on credit, and because
you ain't paid all your debts, that is no sign that you won't have to.
Besides," ses I, "Mr. Seckatary, you have made, you know, some
miscalculashuns, and mebby you may make more. In your first report in
July, 1861, I've ben readin it keerfully, and I've got it marked down
on the slate here, you sed the expenses for 1862 would be $318,000,000,
but in December, you said they would be $543,000,000. Now, here was
mistake of over $200,000,000. You sed in July, the tariff would yield
$57,000,000. In December you said you could not calculate on over
$32,000,000. You estemated the receipts from land sales, in July, at
$3,000,000. You cut it down in December to $2,300,000; and now
Congress, by passing the Homestead bill, will whittle it all off. Here,
you see, are some great mistakes, but there are some on the other side
of the account. There are some items of expenses, too, which you have
omitted. There's the $30,000,000 recently passed to settle up Cameron's
ackounts. Then there is a $100,000,000 of outstandin debts. Then there
is $100 bounty to each soldier, which, by the time the war is over will
amount to $100,000,000 anyhow. Then there is $1,000,000 given to buy
the niggers in this District. Let us see how much that makes. I'll add
it up--$250,000,000, which, added to the $700,000,000, makes
$950,000,000, as the present debt Uncle Sam has on his shoulders. You
might just as well call it a THOUSAND MILLION OF DOLLARS and be done
with it."
Wen I got through, the Seckatary looked amazin red in the face, and ses
he, "Majer, the truth is, where there is so many peopul spendin money
its mity hard to keep track of all the items." "Wal," ses I, "there
ain't only one more pint on which I want to show you you have made a
mistake. In December last, you calkelated that the war expenses for
1863 would be $360,000,000, but the House has already passed bills for
the army amounting to $520,000,000. Then you thought, Mr. Seckatary,
that the war would be ended by July, but here it is about that time,
and we only seem to be jest fairly getting into the shank of the
fight."
"Wal, to tell the truth, Majer, this war has disappinted the hull of
us, but I think I havn't been so foolish as Seward. I never sed it
would end in 'sixty days.'"
"That's so," ses I, "but you see there's nothin like tellin the truth
rite out, and its allus very bad to deceive the people on money
matters. You may love the niggers, Mr. Seckratary, as much as you want
to, but don't try to pull _the wool_ over white folks' eyes, or let
other people do it, for it will break down the administration as sure
as my name is Majer Jack Downing."
"Wal," ses he, "Majer, that's so, and when I send in my next report,
I'm goin to jest speak rite out. I've tried to do my best to keep down
expenses, but I can't, and when I get another chance I'me goin to put
the blame where it belongs."
Ses I, "That's rite, Mr. Seckratary. Don't let the raskils git clear
without bein exposed. But ef you undertake to cover up their tracks,
you will come out jest as old Squire Biddle did in that United States
Bank matter."
I then bid the Seckratary "good mornin," and started back to the White
House. He was very perlite to me, and said he hoped the President and
me would look at the subjeck favorably. I telled him that the Kernel
would do what was jest rite, and that ef he would only keep a sharp
lookout on the plunderers and stealers, I would be his friend till
deth. He sed he would, and we shook hands and parted.
Wen I got back Linkin sot in a cheer fast asleep, with his feet up on a
tabel. I giv the tabel a rap with my hickory, and the Kernel stratened
up jest like openin a jack nife, and ses he, "Was I asleep, Majer?"
"Yes, jest as solid as a saw-log. What on arth makes you sleep," ses I,
"rite in the middle of the day?" "Wal," ses he, "Majer, the truth is, I
was readin the Nashinal _Intelligencer!_" "Sure enuf," ses I, "that's
worse than opium." "But," says he, "what about the finances?" Then I
showed him the slate, and how I had figered up the debt, and told him
all I sed to Mr. Chase. I never see a man so flustrated as Linkin was.
"Wal," ses he, "Majer, ef I was only back to Illinoy safe and sound,
you wouldn't never ketch me a runnin for President agin. I had no idee
that the debt was anything like this. But ef the music has to be faced,
I'll face it. There's one thing, Majer, that we've got the advantage of
any other administrashin in. We can say that this debt was a 'military
necessity!' That cuts off debate." "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, perhaps the
people will be satisfied with that, and perhaps they won't. Any how,
that won't make it any easier to pay the taxis." "Wal," says Linkin,
"we'll leave that subjec to posterity." Ses I, "Is that fair, Kernel,
to burden posterity in that fashun?" "Wal," ses he, "what's posterity
ever done for us?"
The Kernel then took down the figers off my slate in his book, and sed
he would keep 'em for his nex message.
Then Linkin, ses he, "Majer, you've worked like a nailer on these
figers, an it's an awful dry an tough subjec. So I think you better
have some old rye to sort of top off with." Then he called the feller
in purty bad clothes, who does arrands, and telled him to bring out the
black bottle. "Now, Majer," ses the Kernel, "take a good swig. It will
be healthy for your rumatiz. As for me, I'll jest take a little for
company sake. I don't drink myself, you know, Majer, but I like to have
a little old rye aroun; an I allus tell the old woman ef there's eny of
it missin not to ask eny questshins." After we got dun drinking, ses I,
"Kernel, I have been here with you ever sence the 1st of February, an
wen I cum I didn't expec to stay more than a month. Now, the 4th of
July is comin along close at hand, an I must be thinking about gettin
back to Downingville, for I must be there before the 4th. Now," ses I,
"Kernel, ef you'll only go along with me down there, as Ginneral
Jackson did, I'll promise you a great recepshun."
"Wal," ses he, "Majer, I can't go. The truth is, the rebils need
watchin. But you tell the Downingville folks that jest as soon as the
rebelyun is put down, I'm comin down ther. A town that can turn out
such a loyall regiment as the 'Downingville Insensibles,' and such
talented officers as Insine Stebbins, must be, as we Westerners say, 'a
heep of a place.' I'm sorry to have you go, Majer, but I hope you'll be
able to cum back after the nashinul annyversary."
"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I can't promis, but I'll see how my rumatiz gets
on."
I shall pack up in a few days, onless somethin onexpected occurs, and
it may be the next time you heer from me, will be from Downingville. If
you print this letter, I hope you'll apologize for its dullness, for
figgers are mity dry readin for most peepel. However, ef they don't
study into figgers about these days, it won't be long, I'me afeered,
before they'll be sorry they didn't.
Your frend,