_The Major Figures on the "Nashinal Debt"--Horse Contracts and
"Abolishin Preechers"--Banks Defeated--The Major Suggests a New
Fashioned Shield expressly for Retreats--A Wheelbarrow for every
Soldier!--Excitement in Washington--The President not Scared "a
Hooter"_
WASHINGTON, May 26th, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
SURS:--Sence I writ you last, I've been figering on the nashinul debt,
and I tell you what it is, it is jest about the most intricit subjec I
ever got hold of. I've used up two duzzen slates and about a cart load
of slate pencils. Linkin has sent on to York for a fresh supply, and
wen they cum I'm goin' at it agin. Squire Biddle's Bank warn't a primin
to this war debt. You see the contracters and the pollyticians, and the
Members of Congress and the Guvernors of the States, and the editers
and even the Abolishin preechers are mixed up in it cleen to their ize.
It's very queer how so many of these preechers have had hoss contracts.
It seems as if Abolishin and hoss jockeying goes together. One pius
chap wrote on the back of his contract, "An horse is a vain thing for
safety. Put your trust in the Lord." I should think that such hosses as
he furnished would be a vain thing for safety, for nigh about the hull
of 'em was spavined, or ring-boned, or foundered, or had the blind
staggers. I tell you it's edefyin to look over these contracts. Linkin
has giv me a cart blank to pry into the hull subjec, but Chase squirms
terribully wen I questshin him close. But I ain't got half done. The
other day, as I was porerin over my last slate, which was pretty nigh
sifered full, Linkin sent for me in a grate hurry. I started rite off,
wunderin what on arth was up. Wen I went in, the Kernel had his cote
off and his sleeves rolled up, an ses he, "Majer, do you know where I
kin get a first-rate axe?" Ses I, "Kernel, I know where there is the
best axe that ever chopped wood, but," ses I, "it's way up in
Downingville." Ses he, "That won't do, Majer; I must have an axe rite
off, or I shall bust; I can't live unless I work off this steem." I see
the Kernel had on a high-pressure excitement, and ses I, "Hold on a
minnit, Kernel, and tell me what on arth's the matter?" "Matter!" ses
he, "jest read that, Majer, and tell me whether you don't think that
that infernal cuss, Stantin, ought to be kicked out of the Cabinet?" I
took up the paper and there was a despatch from Ginneral Banks, sayin
how the rebils had licked him and was drivin him back like all
possessed, and all because Stantin had takin away his troops and sent
'em away where they warn't wanted. Ses I, "Kernel, I have had a good
deal of doubt about that feller, Stantin, ever sence he tried to get on
your trowsers down at Fort Munrow. You see you can't never depend a
grate deal on a turn coat. He once perfessed to be a pro-slavery man,
but now he goes in for the Abolishinists even stronger than the
Simon-pures. I tell you, Kernel, you better look out for him." "Wal,"
ses Linkin, "we ain't got no time to talk about that. The Secesh are
almost on Washington agin, and jest think what France and England will
say. Why, Seward rote 'em at the last steamer that it was all
over--that New Orleans was open--that Richmond would be taken in a few
days; and here, by this stupid blunder, we are agin jest back where we
were a year ago, and I've got to call fer more troops to defend the
Capital. What on arth will we do?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, if swarein or
even choppin wood do any good, I would advise you to do one or both;
but you see they won't. So put on your coat and let's talk this matter
over." So we jest went over the subjec, and soon decided what to do. I
tell you we made the telegraff fly all day Sunday, and by night we all
began to feel a grate deal easier. That nite the Kernel and I had a
long talk, and I told him I had invented a new military system to
prevent the dangers of a retreat, and that, ef it had been adopted in
Ginneral Banks' case he would have come off with all his men, and
almost without a scratch. The Kernel he was dredful anxious to know
what it was. So I told him that my idee was to have every man supplied
with a sheet-iron shield, about five foot long and about two foot wide,
to strap rite on his back when he commenced to retreat. Then the enemy
might fire as hard as they pleased, while our sojers could take their
time and not be compelled to run themselves out of breath.
"Wal," ses Linkin, "how would they carry it when marchin?" He thought
he had me there, but ses I, "Kernel, my plan involves a hull change in
the art of war. Insted of so many baggage waggins and such long trains,
I would have a wheelbarrow for every sojer! Don't you see," ses I,
"Kernel, how nice that would work? Every man could carry his own
vittals, and his ammunition, his shield, &c., &c., jest as complete as
could be. Wen there was any fighten to be done, the wheelbarrows could
all be placed in the rear, the sojers arm themselves and go out and
fight. If they were whipped all they would have to do would be to fall
back to the wheelbarrows, strap on their shield and walk off! There
would be no runnin then to get out of the reach of bullets, and
retreats of thirty-five miles a day would be useless. With an army of
that kind, Kernel, we could subdue the Southern Confederacy in 'sixty
days,' and make out Seward a prophet after all." "I'm afraid, Majer,
it's too late in the day to introduce your new military system. This
infernal Southern Confederacy has got to be whipped pretty soon with
such old hosses and waggins as we have got, or this Union is split jest
as sure as my name is Abe Linkin. You see, Majer, you can't make a
whistle out of a pig's tail, and it seems to me jest about impossibul
ever to make Union men agin out of the rebils. However, they shan't
have Washington, ef I have to call every man in the North here to
defend it." Ses I, "Kernel, that's right. I'de stick to the White House
until the top blowed off and the cellar caved in."
You better believe we've been in an awful excitement here sence the
news about Banks cum. Seward looks paler than ever, while Chase is
skeert half to deth for fear of its effect on the Treasury. The Kernel
and I, however, keep cool, and we are getting things pretty well
straightened out, so ef the Secesh come here now, they may wish they
had never got so nigh Washington.
Linkin ses "he warn't skeered a hooter, but was only rarin mad." At any
rate, he looked awful savage, and ef he had had my axe, I ralely
believe he might have split rails enough to fence the Southern
Confederacy in.
I had intended to be back to Downingville before the first of June, but
Linkin says he won't hear of my goin until he sees more daylight down
South. I must be there the 4th of July, at any rate, for I never allow
that day to go by without reviewin the Downingville melisha.
Your friend,