_Matters get Confused--The "Kernel and the Major" Compelled to go to
Fortress Monroe to Straighten Things Out--Mr. Lincoln Takes his
Revolver--The Major Sticks to His Hickory--Arrival at Fort Monroe--They
go on a "Tippergraphical Rekonnisanze"--A Night Alarm--Secretary
Stanton Tries to get on the President's Pantaloons._
WASHINGTON, May 13th, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
SURS:--Wal, if I ain't eenamost tired out, I wouldn't say so. Wen I
writ you last, I told you that Linkin wanted me to look into the
financies and cifer where we was a comin to, but I ain't had time to do
it yet. Things have ben in a kind of a dubbel and twisted snarl here
lately. Sekretary Stantin and Gins. McClellin and McDowell have been
almost by the ears. One of em halls Linkin one way and another t'other
way, until he got eenamost crazy. McClellin wanted more sojers. Stantin
sed he didn't have em for him. McDowell sed he wanted more, and Banks
wanted more. So you see here was a pretty kittle of fish. Finally, Mr.
Linkin, ses he, "Majer, wat on erth shall I do?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel,
I tell you my idee. You better go down to Fort Monrow, an see for
yourself. I allers found, when I had a lot of hands in the field a
mowin, there was nothin like havin the boss on hand. If he ain't there,
they all want to be boss." "Wal," ses Linkin, "I think that is a good
plan, Majer; and if you will go along with me, I will go down there,
and if I don't straiten things out there, my name ain't Abe Linkin.
But, Major, how shall we go?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, do jist as
Ginneral Jackson used to; step of kinder unbeknown to eny one, but you
kin invite all your a mind to go along." "Wal," ses he, "I guess I'll
take Chase and Stantin along. I want Stantin so as to ask questions; an
if I leave Chase here, he an Seward will git a quarrelin sure as you
live. I never see two men so jealous of each other. They both want to
be President so bad, that I expect nothin else but some day they'll
steal my old boots."
The next day Linkin got all ready, put on his best close, and slicked
up so he looked purty nice. Then he got his six-barreled revolver, and
put it in his side coat pocket. Ses I, "Kernel, what on arth do want of
revolvers?" "Wal," ses he, "Majer, aint we goin down to the land of the
Secesh, and who knows but we may git in an ambushcade?" "Wal," ses I,
"Kernel, that's a fact; but I shan't carry anything but my old hickory.
Ginneral Jackson cum pretty nigh killin a man once with his hickory,
and I believe, Kernel, old as I am, I'de give any Secesher a pretty
good tussel with that old shag bark."
"Wal," ses Linkin, "I wan't brought up that way. I'de rather have an ax
than any other weepin, for I believe I could split the Southern
Confederacy into rails in a week, and fence it in, if it were only
fashionable to warfare in that manner; but you see, Majer, we've got to
lick the rebils according to science, or John Bull and Looe Napoleon
will kick up a rumpus. So I'll have to stick to revolvers."
"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, that's right; but give me the hickory. If I
don't defend myself with that, then my name ain't Majer Jack Downing. I
ain't goin to make a masked battery of myself."
So we all got reddy and went off in the Miamy, so quiet like, that
Washington peeple didn't scasely know it. Ginneral Wool was terribully
tickled to see us, and he shook me by the hand jest as hard as he
could. I hadn't seen the old Ginneral for a great manny years, but he
don't seem a mite older than he did nigh on twenty years ago. The next
day after we got there, we had a council of war, and it was decided to
attack Norfolk. But how to do it was the question. "Wal," ses Linkin,
"I tell you what, I know somethin about boatin, and the Majer here he
is quick at eenamost anything. So we'll go on a tippergraphical
rekonnisanze to-morrow." Ses I, "Kernel, them big words may be all
right, but I'll be darned if I believe they're English." Ses I, "Ain't
it jist as easy to say that we're goin on a military tower of
obsevashin?"
The next mornin we started off in the Miamy, and went towards Norfolk.
Every place we cum to, the naval offesers sed wouldn't answer to land
troops on. It couldn't be done. Finerally, I showed Linkin a spot close
in shore, and ses he, "Them old canal-botes up there at the Fort, that
you sed looked as if they were the runin gear of Noah's ark, are fit
for nothin else but to be towed over here for the troops to land on."
Ses I, "Kernel, that's so, and if the sea captains can't do it, I kin,
for I sailed a sloop once down in Maine, and I know sumthin about the
bizness." So wen Linkin pinted out the spot, they tried to find fault
agin, and talked about the tide and the sinkin of the boats, etc. Just
then I stepped up, and ses I, "Mr. President, I'm an old man, but if
you want sojers landed there, I'll land 'em safe and sound as a pipe
stem; if I don't, then my name ain't Majer Jack Downing." Wen the brass
button, pompous chaps heered me say that I was Majer Jack Downing, you
never seen a wisker set of fellers. They all at once began to make
apologys, and sed that they would try it, that they guessed it could be
done, and so on. I see thru the fellers at once. They didn't want
Linkin to have _eny_ of the credit of it; but when they see that I was
goin to do it, and take _all_ the credit, then they were willin to go
to work. I ralely believe there ain't a officer in the navy or army but
what expects to get glory enuff in this war to make him a President.
Wal, after we fixed on this place, we all went back to the Fort, and
Ginneral Wool give us all first rate rooms in the offiser's quarters.
The next mornin, bright and arly, the sojers were off, and Ginneral
Wool leadin 'em. As it turned out, everything went off jest as slick as
could be. The rebils had cut sticks and run, and there was no one to
take. The Ginneral went into town, run up the stars and stripes, and it
was all over with. Norfolk was ours.
[Illustration: "I'm darned if the critter warnt bizzy tryin' to git on
Linkin's trowsers."--Page 80.]
Ginneral Wool was so tickled with his success that the old man cum post
haste back agin, late at nite, to tell Linkin and Stantin of it. We had
all got to bed. We slept in rooms that jined each other, Linkin
occupyin the middle room, an myself an Stantin one on each side, with
the doors openin into Linkin's room. Wen we went to bed, ses the Kernel
to me, kinder jokin, ses he, "Majer, if the Secesh attack us to-nite,
you must have your hickory reddy." Ses I, "Kernel, look out for your
revolver, an put it under your piller, so you kin grab it handy." Wal,
what should happen along towards mornin but a most terribul noise, some
one beatin, an stampin, an yellin, like all possessed. First, I thought
of the Secesh, and I grabbed my hickory at once, an made for the
Kernel's room in my nite-shirt to see how he was feelin. I came pretty
nigh bustin my sides a laughin, for there Linkin stood up on a cheer,
lookin for all the world like a treed porcupine; his hair stood on
eends, and he was a shaking his pistol around as if he meant to shoot.
Ses I, "Hold on, Kernel; don't fire. Let's see what this rumpus is all
about before you shoot." Stantin, was in Linkin's room, lookin like a
spook in his white nite-gown; an I'm darned if the critter warn't bizzy
trying to git on Linkin's trowsers! He got 'em on after a fashen, but
his legs didn't more than go half thru 'em, an there he stood kinder
tangled up like, lookin awful sorry about somethin, as if he'ed wanted
to issue a bulletin an couldn't? All the while the noise kept growin
louder, an finally ses I, "Who on arth is that makin such a tarnal
racket?" "It's me. It's me," ses a voice. Ses I, "Who is me? Are you
Union or Secesh?" "I'm Ginneral Wool," ses he, "an I want to tell you
the noose." Now, we didn't no more expect to see Ginneral Wool than we
did Jeff Davis; but sure enuff, it was him, and he cum thunderin in an
brought his old cane down on the floor with a ring. Ses he, "Norfolk is
ours, by ----." I won't put in the swearing part. You never did see
such a change. Linkin jumped down out of the cheer, and ketched the old
Ginneral by the hand, and cum pretty nigh shakin it off, while Stantin
took him rite in his arms. Wen the story had all been heerd, and Linkin
went to look for his trowsers, there was Stantin with his legs in 'em,
holden them up by his hands. Ses I, "Kernel, Mr. Stantin will get to be
President if you ain't kerful, for I see he's got on the President's
trowsers." Wen I sed that, I thought Stantin would wilt. He looked
awfully struck up, but sed he'd no idee them was Linkin's trowsers, and
he backed out of them quick.
The next day there was great rejoicing in the hull army, and we all cum
back to Washington in the Miamy. I've jist got back, and have only had
time to write you this letter. Wen yew hear from me agin I hope I
shan't be so tired, and try to give you a more interesting letter.
Your friend,