_War "Noose"--The President's Anxiety--Mr. Lincoln Determines to
Apply "the Principle"--The Story of Zenas Homespun--The Major's Views
on Negroes--Poetry--The Emancipation Ball--The Major Going to "Cifer"
on the Finances._
WASHINGTON, April 29th, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
SURS:--We are all on the _qui vivers_ here for war noose. Linkin gets
up sometimes in the middul of the nite to hear a dispach received by
Sekratary Stantin, and as much of it as is thought good for the health
of the peepil is sent to the papers. The other nite Linkin called me.
This was very unushul for him, for he ginrally tells me in the mornin,
at the breckfast tabel, and axes my opinion, but he sent for me that
nite and sed that I must git up and read the noose. So I went down and
he showed me the dispach that Gennerral Mitchell got of Bowregards.
"Now," ses the Kernel, "you see, Majer, we've got the raskils in a
korner. They've got to fite or run, and if they fite they're licked,
and if they run they're licked. We shall now soon have Memfus, and that
jest pens up Jeff Davis in Virginny. You see, Majer, Bowregard ses he
ain't got but 35,000 troops." Ses I, "Kernel, let me take a look at
that dispach." I put on my specs and read it over twice or three times
very kerfully, and then ses I, "Kernel, I don't think you orter put
grate faith in that. As Elder Doolittle used to say, 'it may be a bee,
and then agin it may be a wasp.' That Bowregard is a grate feller at
stratagy, and it might be another dodge of his. And then agin, Kernel,
that was afore you signed the bill abolishin slavery in the District of
Columby. As sure as your born that will be worth a hundred thousan
sojers to Jeff Davis." "Wal," ses Linkin, "let it, who cares? The truth
is, Majer, we Republicans have been talkin about the great principle of
the equality of all men, includin Injins, niggers, Chinees and so on,
and now they want me to apply the principle, and I'm goin to do it. I
think there is sum humbug in it sumwhere, but I don't exactly see
where, and as they will give me no peace, and will never be satisfied
ennyhow until it is dun, I'm goin to put it thru." "Wal," ses I,
"Kernel, go ahed, but look out for squalls. Perhaps," ses I, "you never
heerd the story about Zenas Humspum 'applyin the principle. I hope you
won't hev as bad luck as he did." "No," ses Linkin, "I never heerd that
story. What was it?" "Wal," ses I, "Zenas was a good-natered feller,
who lived in Downingville, and a wonderful inquirin sort of a chap,
allers and forever prying into things. If he bought a clock he'd take
it all apart with his jack-nife, jest to see how it went together. So
about the time that the telegraph was started and an offis was set up
in our town, Zenas was eenamost puzzled to deth to get the hang of the
critter, as he called it. One day he went to the offis and axed the
feller to show him all about it. The chap was very perlite, and
explained to him the grate principle on which it worked, but Zenas
didn't exactly see through it, and kept axing questions and botherin
the feller till he got clean out of pashins. Finally, ses he to Zenas,
'Perhaps you would like to see me apply the principle.' Zenas said he
would, of course. 'Wal,' ses he, 'then you jest take hold of them brass
nobs and stick to 'em tight.' So Zenas grabbed hold of 'em like all
possessed, but he hadn't more than fairly got hold before he lay
sprawlin on the floor. The 'principle' had knocked him clean over. Now,
Zenas was a terribul feller to smoke, and allers carried his pockets
full of lusifer matches to lite his pipe with. It so happened that he
had a hull box-full in his coat-tail pocket as he keeled over on the
floor, and as he fell they scratched agin one another so strong that
they all got afire. It warn't but a little while afore Zenas' coat-tail
was all in a blaze, and before it could be put out it had burnt an
awful big hole in the seat of his trowsers, and schorched him
thereabouts amazinly. Zenas yelled and hollered awful, and sed he
didn't want to know enthing more about 'applyin the principle.' Now,"
ses I, "Kernel, I hope you won't hev as bad luck as Zenas did, but
depend on't, this applyin principles you don't exactly understand is
dangerous business. If you don't get burnt somewhere it will be a
wonder."
"Wal," ses Linkin, "Majer, you are a cute chap in tellin a story, but
now, tell me, do you think the nigger an the white man didn't cum from
the same parrient?" "Now," ses I, "Kernel, that's axin a deep question.
You see its onpossibul to tell what the Creatur may have done. He might
have made only one kind of man at fust, an then altered their
constitushins, an complexions, an brains afterwards. You see everything
is possibul to the Creatur. Or the nigger may have cum from Ham, who
was cussed for his sins, but then I don't see that it is enything agin
the scriptoors to believe that all the kinds of men were made at the
beginnin jest as they are now. But it don't make eny difference how
they cum so, so long as they _are_ different. You can't eny more
make a white man out of a nigger now than you can breed a lion out of a
polecat. You see, it's clar agin natur to expect to make the nigger
enything but a nigger. You can't get a peach out of a crab-apple, nor a
pumpkin out of a watermelon, nor eagles out of ducks' eggs. You can't
raise chickens from egg-plants, or produce goslins from gooseberries.
You see, Kernel, everything in natur must go accordin to natur. If the
nigger had been intended to be equil to the white man, hed been made
jest like a white man, and the very fact that he ain't made so, is
proof positive that he warn't intended to be put in a white man's
place. Trying to make a nigger act like a white man is jest like old
Sol Hopkins, one year harnessing his off ox an his hoss together to
plow corn. The ox was lazy as he could be, an the hoss was a young,
high-strung animil, an such a pullin an haulin team you never did see.
It almost killed both. You see, it was workin agin natur. It was tryin
to make a hoss an ox, and an ox a hoss, neither of which things can be
did. You see, Kernel, _everything in natur must go according to
natur_."
"Wal," ses Linkin, "there is a good deal in what you say, but then the
peepil don't believe it. They think the nigger is only accidentally
black, and if he lacks in mind and capacity, it is all owin to slavery,
an they won't believe eny other way until they see for themselves. I
tell you, Majer, the principle has got to be applied, no matter how
meny coat-tails or how meny trowsers are burnt."
"But," ses I, "Kernel, can't they see how the thing has worked in
places whar nigger equality has been tried?" "That don't settle the
question, Majer. Peepil are jest like hogs in that respect. Did you
ever see a lot of hot swill put in a trough, an every single hog in the
pen would go an stick in his snoot an get it burned? Not one would larn
from the others. After we've tried nigger equality, we'll know what it
is, an how we like it. We must apply the principle, an in some way, you
may depend upon it Majer, all the niggers down South will be sot free."
"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, I guess that there are other folks who think
jest as you do, for somebody has sent me some varses in relashin to the
nex great emancipashin which is to cum off, cut from some noospaper. I
will read 'em to you: