_A Delegation calls Upon the President--The Major Indignant--Mr.
Lincoln Tells a Story--Curious Composition of the Republican Party
--Difficulty of Keeping it Together--The President Hopes to do it
by "Sloshin About"--Deacon Jenkins Again--He is a Temperance Man, but
Takes a Glass of Old Rye._
WASHINGTON, March 18th, 1862.
_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_
SURS:--We've all ben at sixes and sevens here since I writ you last.
The rebils have knocked all our stratygims into a kocked hat. The fact
was, we had the plan fixed to catch 'em jest as easy as you can kill a
rabbit under a ded fall, but they wouldn't stay to be catched. Linkin
ses "they are like to Paddy's flee, when you git where they are they
ain't ther." It is ginerally believed here that some of the Somnure
click who hate Ginneral McClellan so much, ralely informed the inemy of
our movements, and that that give 'em time to pack up their trumpery
and git out of the trap. You see Somnure, Gree_lie_ & Co. are afeerd
that McClellen will be the next President, and they are doin all they
kin to brake him down. The other day a hull boodle of these
Abolishinists come in a boddy to the President to demand "justis to
Freemount." I was standin jest back of Linkin up in the office room,
when old Moril, of my State, and Luvjoy, and Somnure, and Hale, and
Julian, and Ashley, and a hull lot more of the same stripe, cum in.
They sed "they cum as a committy from a cawkis of the party to
_demand_, as an act of justis, that Freemount should be appointed
to sum kommand." Wen I heered 'em say that they demanded it, I felt my
blud bileing away down to my bootes; in fac, it seemed as ef my bootes
was full of bileing water. They sed they represented the Republican
party, and that the party demanded it, that the peopul demanded it, and
that the noosepapers demanded it, and that ef he didn't do it, they
would consider that he intended to forsake his party, and go over to
the Dimmycrats. All the wile I felt as ef I'd giv a thousan dollars for
one hour of Old Hickery. How he would hev made the fur fly ef any body
had undertuk to dictate to him in that way. But Linkin didn't say
nothing until after they got all thro, then he rez up kinder limpsey,
and ses he, "Gentlemen, I will considder this ere matter over, and see
what I kin do. I reckon I kin kinder fix things out to suit you." Then
they went off.
After they were gone Linkin turned to me and ses he, "Majer, what do
you think of that?" "Wal," ses I. "Kernel, I tell you jest what I was
thinkin while that insultin feller was talkin. I was wishin that
Ginneral Jackson was alive and President for about twenty-four hours.
Why, ef that feller had talked to him in that way, he would have seized
his hickery and kaned him out of the room." Ses I, "Kernel, you are too
good-natured. These pesky pollyticians will driv you to perdishin, and
the country, too, ef you ain't kerful."
"Wal," ses Linkin, "what am I to do? There ain't no doubt that my party
are all aunty-slavery, and a good menny of 'em out and out immediate
Abolishinists. They are a pullin me like all possessed. They've got
hold of my feet, my toes, my cote tale, my trowsers, and pullin away as
ef they ment to rip every rag of clothin off me, and I don't feel sure
but they'll pull my legs off my boddy. I am holdin on as hard as I kin,
but I feel as ef my hold was slippin. Now, what on arth am I to do?"
"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, there's nothin like getten a fresh hold wen you
feel that you are slippin. So jest spit on your hands, as the sailyers
do, and take a new hold."
"Now, Majer," says Linkin, "that reminds me of a story. Some Irishmen
were once diggin a well, and by sum means the rope on the windless
broke, and the bucket went down to the bottom. How to get it was the
questshin. After plannin and thinkin for some time, Paddy O'Brien, who
was the boss, he ses to Teddy O'Flanagan, ses he, 'I will take hold of
the windless with my hands, and Teddy, you take hold of my legs, and
let Patrick take hold of Teddy's legs, and so on, until we can git down
to the bucket and rache it up.' So they all went at it, but it warnt
long before Paddy found that the heft was too grate for him, an he felt
that his hold on the windless was slippin. So he sung out tu Teddy, who
was below him, ses he, 'Teddy, me boy, hould fast there till I spit on
me hands,' an as he let go tu spit on his hands, down the hull party
went tu the bottom of the well. Now," ses Linkin, ses he, "that would
be jest the way with me. Ef I let go to spit on me hands, down my hull
party will go, and no one will ever see it agin."
"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, ef you do go down in that way you will be _on
top_!" "That's a fact," ses Linkin. "I didn't think of that, but then,
who would want tu be on the top of _such_ a party! You see, ef the
party had any timber in it that you could use tu make another out of,
there would be sum prospec ahed. But ye see thar aint. The stuff is
cross-grained and knotty, and a good deal of it mity rotten. Ef I could
split it about half in two, so as tu weld one piece on tu the
Demmycratic party, I would do that. But you can't split it any more
than you kin a pepperage log. I know sumthin about splittin, and ef any
man could do it I could. No, Majer, ef my party goes tu pieces at all,
it will brake up intu a thousand splinters, jest like a chesnut tree
wen it is struck by lightnin."
"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, are you goin to give Freemount a kommand?" Wal,
ses he, "I 'spose I'll hev tu do sumthin for him. I'll give him some
place where he can't do any harm; ef I don't, these fellers will stop
the wheels of government, an I can't run it any longer." Wal, ses I,
"Kernal, ef they stop the _wheels_ of the government then I'de run
it on the axletrees afore I'de giv in tu these pesky critters. You
kinder giv in tu em on your emancipashin proclamashin, and ef yu keep
on your gone, and the government is gone tu. You can't restore the
Union in that way enny more than you can build a stone wall out of clam
shells. Besides, you'll break off your Kentuckee frends.
"Wal, yes, that's so," ses Linkin, "but don't you see, Majer, I've got
to break off with _sumbody_? Ef I do as the Kentuckians want me tu,
then I shall break with my party, and ef I don't, then I shall have to
break off with them. Now which shall it be? That's the question. Now,
thar ain't Dimmycrats enuff in Congress tu be of enny sarvice to me,
and the few that are thar are most of em like the last run of shad,
very poor and very mean. Thar aint more than three or four that dare
say their souls are their own, and I can't git along with such a party
as that. I hope I'll git thru by sloshin first one way and then tother,
without havin a rumpus with enny of em, but ef I don't, 'sufficient to
the day is the evil of it,' as the Scriptur ses."
I aint had a letter from Jerushy Matilda, the darter of Deacon Jenkins,
sense she went off to Port Royil with that solem feller. Her par,
Deacon Jenkins, who made Linkin's sojer clothes, is still here. He is a
very pious man, the Deacon is, and he thinks Jerusha is goin to do a
heep of good to the niggers in turning mishinary. He thinks the niggers
are all brought up as hethens, and never heerd the name of God. I
telled him "I guessed ef they went around much whar the Maine sojers
were, that they would here his name pretty often, for they kin outsware
any set of men I ever heerd talk." Wen the Deacon heerd how that
Mannassah was taken, he cum rite up to the White House and
congratulated Linkin on his success. Linkin felt kinder tickled at
first about it, but wen I telled him how it warent much of a victory to
let a hull army slip thru our fingers, Linkin seemed to think so, too.
But Deacon Jenkins, he sed he could prove it frum Scriptur, and so he
got a big Bibil and red the 61st Sam, which is all about Manassah and
Gil-ed and Mo-abe and washpots, and so on. I telled him I could'nt see
no simurlarity in it, but he stuck to it that it tiperfied the retreat
of the rebils. Linkin red it over two or three times, and sed it red
for all the world like one of Seward's non-committal letters. First he
thought it did, and then he thought it didn't, and finally he giv it up
in dispare. I telled 'em them they might try to draw conserlashin from
the Bibil, but I felt down about the matter, and didn't know as I could
sleep. Linkin sed he felt bad, too, but the Deacon declared he felt
first rate. I telled Linkin I must have sum Old Rye afore I could go to
bed, and he sed his nerves were very oneasy too. So the feller in bad
clothes fetched in the black bottle, and we tuk a good swig. I telled
the Deacon that he needn't take enny, as he felt so good, but he would
have sum. The Deacon pretends to be a grate temperance man wen he is
hum, but I find he likes a glass of wisky now and then, espeshily if he
thinks the Downingville folks won't heer of it. I hope I shall heer
frum Jerusha by the time I rite to you agin.
Your frend,