_The Major has an Attack of the Ague and Fever--Begins to get the
Hang of Matters at Washington--Mr. Lincoln's Improvement in "Military
Nollege"--Studying "Stratygims" for Gen. McClellan--The Major Suggests
a Difficulty--Mr. Stanton Called on--The Negroes at Port Royal--"The
Nigger Teachin Fever"--Deacon Jenkins' Daughter goes to Port Royal to
Teach the Negroes._
WASHINGTON, March 1st, 1862.
_To the Editurs of The Cawcashin:_
I've had a terribul fit of the ager sence I writ yu last, and one time
I thought it was about "nip and go tuck" wether the ager or natur wud
whip, but I've got a strong constetushin and it cum out best, as it
allers has so far in life. Linkin, too, has been kinder under the
wether. The loss of his little boy affected him terribully. Ef it
hadn't ben for the good noose and the Union victories I don't know how
we could have got along. But we are all gettin' better very fast now,
and things begin to look brighter.
I begin to get the hang of matters here now, and the way Linkin and
Stantin and me will settle affairs before long will be a cawshin.
Stantin is a steem injine in breeches. The grate trubbul Linkin now has
is the Abolishinests. They are tryin' to drive him to free all the
niggers down South, and all the preechers, moril reformers and
lecterers are constantly writin' letters here prayin' Linkin to go rite
on and turn the niggers all loose. Sometimes we get as many as three
bushels of letters in one mornin', from the strong-minded wimmin and
week-minded men in the North, who don't know any more about niggers
than they do about the man in the moon. Linkin don't pretend to read
'em or even take a look at 'em. He told me one day that I might look
'em over, and see ef thar wus enny sence in enny of 'em, but I couldn't
find ennything but texts of Scriptur, and sams and hims and extracts
from Gree_lie's_ paper and Cheevur's sarmons. Wen I told Linkin that he
sed he didn't want to know enny more about 'em, for he had had about
enuff of such pesky fanaticks. I kin jist tell them fellers that are
writin' here such long letters, that it aint any use.
But the grate subject that has occupied the attenshin of all of us for
two weeks past, has ben the grand forrard movement. Linkin improves
mitey fast in military nollige, and is eenamost reddy to graduate from
a Kernel into a Ginneral. Wal, as I was sayin', we've been as bizzy as
bees in gittin things reddy for a start. Ef Stantin and Ginneral
McClellin, and the Kernal and me didn't work hard at stratygims, then
thar aint any such word in the dickshinnery. We had charts, and maps,
and diaphragms, and kumpasses to measure the distances with, and all
sorts of queer looking instruments that I can't remember the name of.
But Ginneral McClellin knew all about 'em, I tell you. He could tell
how fur it wus from one place to tother on the map, jest as easy as if
he'd been over the ground and measured it with a ten foot pole. Wal,
wen he'd tell the distense from one place to tother, the Kernel would
put it down on a piece of paper so as to see jest how fur the grand
army would have to travil afore they got to Richmond. Wal, bime by
Linkin had got a string of figers which kivered a hull page of writin
paper, and then he undertook to ad 'em up. It warn't long, however,
before he got things so mixed up that he couldn't tell hed from tale.
Finally he turned to me and ses he, "Majer, can't you help me out of
this scrape?" I told him I would ef he would only send for a slate, but
that I couldn't figer on paper, that I larned to sifer on a slate, and
that it allers cum terribel onhandy for me to figer in enny uther
stile. So he called that feller in purty bad clothes, and told him to
get a slate. Wen it cum I went to work, and tho' my hand aint ben in
the business much sense I sifered up the ackounts for Ginneral Jackson
in Squire Biddle's bank, yet I soon stratened matters out, and Linkin
was dredful tickeled at it. He sed "Apostle Paul couldn't beet it
himself." I forgot to tell you that the Kernel calls Ginneral McClellin
his Apostle Paul, so you needn't believe enny of the stories in the
Abolishin papers about the Kernel and Ginneral McClellin being at
logger-heds. Even General Jackson and Mr. Van Buren were never better
friends than Linkin and McClellin. Wal, to make a long story short, we
got every thing all settled, tho' it took the last night till eenamost
mornin before we got thru. I had bent over the tabil so long, lookin at
the diaphragms, that I had a stitch in my back, and Linkin was bent
eenamost dubil.
After it was all over with and every thing had been decided on, ses
Linkin, ses he, "Majer, don't you think that that is a capytal
stratygim?" Ses I, "Yes, Kernel, that is jest about as nigh rite as you
kin get it; but," ses I, "there's one thing you ain't provided for."
Ses he, "What's that?" "Wal," ses I, "for a fire in the rear!" "Wal,"
ses Linkin, "now the Majer is gettin off a joke on us, for thar ain't
no chance for a fire in the rear, except it comes from John Bull, and
ain't Seward spiked his guns?" "Now," ses I, "Kernel, you ain't as old
as I am; ef you was you would see jest what I mean." Ses I, "Don't you
know that the Aboleshin papers hate Ginneral McClellan as bad as they
do Jeff Davis, and jest as soon as the grand army begins to move
they'll expose all his plans, and the rebils will have em all in
Richmund in time to defeat em?" "Wal, that is a fact," ses Linkin, "I
never thought of that; but they will as sure as preachen do jest what
the Majer ses; but what kin we do?" "Wal," ses I, "I'll tell you what
to do. Jest let Secketary Stantin issu an order stopping all war news,
and put every Aboleshin editer that dares to disobey it into Fort La
Fayette. Giv em a dose of their own fisic, and see how they'll like
it."
When Linkin heard that he jumped rite up, and ses he, "that is jest the
checker. These Aboleshinests have bin as much trubble to me as the
secesh, and I don't know but a leetle more. I spect I'll have to hang a
few on em yet before I can git a settled peece."
Then Linkin asked Secketary Stantin what he thought of my idee, and he
sed it was jest what was needed, and so Linkin told him to draw up the
order and put it thru strong. Wal, so you see how the "Youkase," as sum
of our York editors call it, cum to be issued. I see sum of em growled
and snarled over it like mad dogs, but it warn't no use. They know now
how it feels to be put under the thum screws. So ef you can git the
news, jest keep quiet a leetle while and you'll hear music.
There ain't much else that's new here jest now. But tother day there
was a feller cum on here from York to see Linkin about what should be
done for the niggers at Port Royal. He asked Linkin what could be done?
"Wal," ses Linkin, "I spose you've heerd the story about a feller who
won an elephant at a raffle, and after he got him didn't know what to
do with him? Wal, so it is with the niggers we've got. There they are,
but ef any live man kin tell what to do with em, I'de like to hear him.
They eat more than the sojers, are lazy, and cost more than they cum
to, jest like the old Injin's dog."
Then this feller, who seemed to be a spirital chap, something like a
dominy, put on a long face, and sed how these culered peepal were our
bretheren in the Lord, and that they had been brought up as hethens,
hed never been taught reedin, or ritin, or rithmetic, but ground down
to the arth with chains and slavery. He said he felt deeply for 'em,
and that his conshence wouldn't let him rest day nor nite, but he was
willin' tu devote his dazs tu preachin' the Gospel tu 'em, &c., &c.,
but the cute feller wound up by axing Linkin wether he wouldn't
reckermend Congress tu approprate sum money for the good of these poor
creturs. Wen he sed that I seen rite thru' him, and I give Linkin the
wink. So he put him off by sayin' he would think it over. Wen he went
away I told Linkin jest what I thought of him. How that he was one of
that kind of salm singin' Yankees who was allers lookin' out for sum
way tu git a livin' without workin.'
It is astonishin' tho' how this nigger teachin' fever is goin'. It has
broke out even here in Washin'ton. Deacon Jenkins' darter, Jerushy
Matilda, who cum on with her par, when he was sent for tu make Linkin's
sojer clothes, cum across that feller, an he talked her intu goin' down
to Port Royal tu tech nigger schules. Now, Jerushy is a smart gal; her
mother an my wife were second cuzzins. She kin rite poetry purty good
for a gal of her age, for she ain't more than twenty-two, but she's got
all the nigger nonsense in her hed, and I can't no more drive it out
than I kin fly. Somehow Abolishin gits hold of the feelins of the
wimmin folks, an it cums from their not knowin' what the nigger realy
is; so I telled Jerushy tu go, an ef she didn't get sick of tryin' to
make niggers do an act, and larn, an sifer, an read, like white folks,
then I would pay all her expenses, an turn nigger misheenery myself.
But she sed I was an old fogy. It appears that solem feller told her
that the niggers hed been whipped by their masters every mornin' before
breakfast, with a cat-a'-nine-tailes, an that all they had tu eat was
corn-stalks and cotton seeds! This tuck hold of Jerushy's feelins
amazinly, an she packed up her best clothes, an went off with him. She
promised tu rite me how she got along, an what she thinks of things
down there. Ef ther's eny thing interestin' in the letter, I'll send it
tu you tu print.
Your friend,