Quite true, but, oh, what hours they were, and what agony I suffered
from my thoughts!
I spent most of my time at the window, forcing myself to think of how
things were going on in school, and I pictured the boys at their
lessons--at the Doctor's desk at Mr Rebble's, and Mr Hasnip's. It was
German day, too, and I thought about our quaint foreign master, and
about Lomax drilling the boys in the afternoon. He would be asking them
where I was; and the question arose in my mind, would the boys tell him,
or would they have had orders, as we did once before, about a year back,
when a pupil disgraced himself, not to mention the affair outside the
school walls.
My spirits rose a little at this, for it would be horrible for Lomax to
know, and go and think it over. And I seemed to know that he would take
it more to heart about me than if it were any other boy, for I was to be
a soldier, and, as he would have expressed it, "One of ours."
Dinner-time at last--the bell ringing, and the shouts and cries of the
boys, "All in! all in!" though we used to want very little calling for
meals.
After a time, my dinner was brought up, as my breakfast had been, in
silence, and I felt then that I should have liked Mr Rebble to speak,
if it had only been to bully. But he did not so much as look at me,
only stalked into the room and out again.
Who was going to eat and enjoy a dinner, brought like that?
"It's like an animal in a cage being fed," I said angrily; and I was
quite angry because the roast beef, potatoes, and greens smelt so nice
that I was obliged to sit down and eat and enjoy the meal, for I was
very hungry.
After the tray had been fetched, I made up my mind that at any minute
now the Doctor might send for me, to give me a severe examination, and I
shivered at the idea of being forced to speak out, and say everything I
knew. I wished now that it was dark, so that I might have attempted to
escape, if only to avoid that meeting. But it was impossible. Even if
I could get off the lock, I should be seen, for certain, and brought
back in an ignominious fashion, that would be terrible.
But the afternoon wore away, as I sat listening to the shouts of the
boys at play, thinking bitterly of how little they thought of me shut up
there; and I began wondering where Mercer was, little thinking that he
was watching me; but he was, sure enough, for, just close upon tea-time,
I caught sight of him, lying down upon his chest, where he had crawled
unseen among the shrubs, and there he was, with his elbows on the ground
and his chin in his hands, watching me, just as a faithful dog might his
master.
I shrank away from the window, as soon as I saw him, and then waited
till the bell rang for tea, when I peeped out again, to see that he was
gone, but I could trace him by the movement of the laurels, bays, and
lilacs, whose branches were thrust aside as he crept through.
"He'll come back again after tea," I thought, and I was right. I had
only just finished my own, brought up as before, when, glancing from the
window, there I saw him, gazing up at me like a whipped dog, asking to
be taken into favour once again.
"Why hasn't the Doctor sent for me?" I asked myself; but I could find
only one reason,--he meant me to come to his study quite late in the
evening.
But he did not, and that dreary time passed slowly away, as I watched
the darkness come on, and the stars peer out one by one. Then I saw the
moon rise far away over the sea, shining brightly, till the sky grew
cloudy, as my life seemed now to be.
But no footstep--no summons to go down to the Doctor's room, and, though
I kept on fancying that I heard steps on the stairs, I was always
deceived, and it was not until I heard the bell ring for prayers and
bed, that I knew I should not have to meet the Doctor that night.
There were steps enough now in the corridors and on the stairs, and I
sat near the door, for the sake of the company, naming the boys to
myself, as I recognised the voices. But I shrank away once, as two boys
stopped by my door, and I heard them say,--
"Wonder how old Burr junior's getting on?"
"Ah! he's in for it now. Don't talk, or he'll hear us."
They passed on, and I heard their door close, after which there was a
loud scuffling and bumping from the other sides accompanied by smothered
laughter and dull blows.
I knew directly what was going on, and sighed, as I recalled how many
times I had engaged in the forbidden joys of a bolstering match.
Their merriment only made me feel the pain the more bitterly, and I was
glad when I heard a familiar cough at the end of the passage, and the
tapping of a stick on the floor.
All was silent in an instant, and by degrees every murmur died away, and
I lay down and slept heavily, for mine was weary trouble. There was no
guilty conscience to keep me awake.