The Flybekins were distant connexions of the great Lord B., living
"genteelly" in the west of England: and Mr. and Mrs. Flybekin were the
only adult members of the family at the period of the incident which
gave rise to this anecdote. It happened once that these "country
cousins" were possessed with an uncontrollable desire to enter within
the hitherto unapproached circle of London fashion and gaiety in which
their noble relatives moved with such distinction. Every thing was
propitious in furtherance of the meditated scheme: the spring was
approaching, London filling, the country emptying, and the children
could all go to school. A few weeks "in Town, just to see what was going
on," would be fully worth the journey, especially as it would afford an
opportunity for them to commence an acquaintance with their magnificent
relation. And as the boys were growing up, it might be serviceable to
their interests to tighten the bonds of connexion a little, which had,
from lapse of time, and want of intercourse, become somewhat loosened.
There is an old saying--"where there is a will, there is always a
way."--In a short time Mr. and Mrs. Flybekin, being bent on the measure,
argued themselves into a belief of the projected visit being nothing
short of an imperative moral duty.
When matters had gone thus far, a hint was dropped in the drawing-room,
which immediately reached the "domestic department," and very soon
spread through the village,--as the smallest stone falling into water
creates successive circles around the spot where it fell, each
increasing in circumference. Accordingly, the Flybekins were the centre
of attraction on the following Sunday, after morning service. Hearty
congratulations, and ardent wishes for a pleasant trip, with various
commissions, pressed upon them. The newest fashions were promised to be
brought down, and the village milliner looked forward to a glorious
triumph over all her rivals in the trade about the country. The happy
pair were on the pinnacle of provincial glory; _he_ was expected to
return with the true state of foreign affairs, and the nation, from the
intercourse he would enjoy with the peer; _she_ was expected to
import news of operas, plays, music, novels, writers, balls, routs,
drawing-rooms and dresses, from her intercourse with the peeress.
In all the pleasure to which they looked _forward_ there was but
one _draw-back_, viz. a most extraordinary dread of _London fires_
at night: and this originated in the frequent occurrence in their county
paper of paragraphs headed "_Another alarming conflagration: many
lives lost!_"--put in either to aid the Insurance office, or fill the
paper. As our rustic pair had never visited the metropolis, they did not
know but Leadenhall Street and Hyde Park, Lambeth and Portland Place,
might all be close neighbours; therefore, however distant the different
fires might be, they fancied they all occurred nearly in the same place;
and from the time Mr. and Mrs. Flybekins resolved to visit Town,
scarcely a night passed in which they did not start in terror from their
dreams, screaming "Fire, Fire!"
All was hurry and preparation at "the Lodge," until the anticipated
arrival of the "Barnstaple Sociable," one morning at the door, summoned
the ambitious pair, and on the _fourth day_ of their departure
from Devonshire, they were duly set down at the White Horse Cellar, for
road-making had not then received the magic touch of Macadam. The next
day was occupied in searching for, and entering, suitable lodgings; and
the following day, having hired a carriage, which their unpractised eyes
considered most elegant in style and equipment, they sallied forth,
armed with a card-case, and a long list of commissions, the practised
horses going at the full rate of six miles an hour.
A friendly and familiar visit over, to some Devonshire friends in
Devonshire Place, they essayed next to discharge the now almost dreaded
call of state; for that which, contemplated at a distance, imparted joy
and hope, when at hand possessed something of awe mingled with these
feelings. Arrived in Grosvenor-square, after sidling along the gutter
close by the foot pavement, the distance of two or three houses, and
with a little preliminary tug of the reins, the coachman drew up
opposite the door of No. ----. Two powdered lackeys in rich livery were
peering through the long narrow windows on each side of the door, and
anticipated the intention of the diminutive, bandy footman, of knocking,
(that is, if he could have reached the knocker.) To the question of
"Lord and Lady B. at home?" a negative answer was delivered; they were
gone to the country, but were expected back to dinner. A card was then
handed in, inscribed in the neatest, spider-pattern handwriting of Mrs.
Flybekin: and they drove off to pursue the agreeable pastime of shopping
and going through part of the list of commissions, vivenda and agenda,
with which they were provided.
As the Flybekins drove along the streets, the words "PATENT
FIRE-ESCAPES," in large letters, upon the front of a tall house,
attracted their attention, and roused all their latent fears of London
fires, with accounts of which the newspapers so frequently teemed.
A fire-escape would impart security to sleep, and might be taken
down into the country. Accordingly the check string was pulled, the
manufactory entered, the machines inspected, an economical one selected
by each: and in an hour after their arrival at home to dinner, the
fire-escapes were duly mounted in one of the front bed-room windows.
Their evening meal being finished at the barbarous hour of nine,
the Flybekins began to yawn over the events of the past day, and the
prospective engagements of the morrow. The excitements of the morning in
the crowded London streets, had completely tired the rustic couple, who
being susceptible of no farther excitement, sought repose at this early
hour, and were both soon wrapt in deep sleep. Leaving them to enjoy
their repose, we return to Grosvenor-square. The noble pair returned
to a family dinner, and on entering the house, read, with strained
eyeballs, the card deposited that morning by the Flybekins, and with
some such an expression of countenance as one may be supposed to assume
in discovering something in a drawer more than was anticipated. "Umph!"
said the peer, "the Flybekins in town! what could have brought them up
so far from the country?" "Something that will not detain them long, I
hope;" dryly answered Lady B. "Yet, we _must_ take some notice of
these country cousins," said the peer: "Let us invite them to a family
dinner." "Well, if we _must_,"--said the Countess shrugging her
shoulders--and with that the subject dropped for the time.
Now it is quite clear that however brilliant might have been the
prospects of the Flybekins, the peer and his lady wished them any where
but in London; and, rather than invite them to Grosvenor-square to
dinner, the former would have been glad to be let off with a writership
for one of the sons in India.
Their carriage was ordered at ten, to convey them to the Duchess of R.'s
party, and Lord B. proposed to make a friendly call upon their relations
before waiting on Her Grace. Accordingly thither they drove, accompanied
by two footmen bearing flaming flambeaux, the custom of the great in
those days, when the town was not so well lighted as in the present
age. The signs of this custom are indeed still to be seen in the
extinguishers attached to the railings in front of many houses, which
served for the footmen to extinguish their lights.
Meantime the Flybekins slept on, not dreaming of the honour intended
them, and were as sound asleep as Duncan in Macbeth's castle, when a
long thundering rap at the door startled them amid their slumbers. The
diminutive, bandy footman had gone home with the coachman and horses,
the landlady and her family had followed the example of the lodgers; and
before any one could rise to unbar and open the door, to ascertain the
cause of such an unusual alarm, a second louder and longer rap had been
made upon it, and which awoke the sleepers to an instinctive idea that
the house was on fire; a notion confirmed by the strong glare of red
light reflected against their windows, and illuminating the apartment,
as the footmen impatiently shook thousands of sparks from the flambeaux.
As Bonaparte observed upon another occasion, "From the sublime to the
ridiculous is but one step." So it was with the Flybekins. From the most
sublime repose they hurried into the ridiculous fire-escapes, in the
full conviction that the lower part of the house was on fire; and
without waiting to dress, or inquire into the real state of affairs,
they gave the signal-word "Now!" and both descended in all the freshness
of their fears to the pavement before the door!
The wondering lord and lady, and still more wondering footmen, glared
upon the apparition before them with the most inexplicable amazement,
totally at a loss to conceive the cause of such a novel reception. The
terrified pair were, like Othello, "perplexed in the extreme," when they
found themselves, instead of being in the confusion of a fire, deposited
beneath the windows of a magnificent carriage, attended by footmen with
white torches, and a full dressed lady and gentleman inquiring after
them, and the meaning of the extraordinary descent. A few minutes served
to explain the mal à propos mistake; the detected pair sought refuge
in the hall of the house, with some such feeling as our first parents
experienced when they had tasted the fatal apple in the garden of Eden.
The carriage rolled away with the tittering coachman and footmen, and
the ill-suppressed mirth of their master and mistress, who quickly
disseminated the story throughout the fashionable throng of the party
whither they were bent, and which remained for the rest of the season
a standing joke wherever Lord and Lady B. appeared.
Humbled and confused, the unhappy Flybekins could not retrieve the
blunder they had committed, and prudently resigned all their ambitious
schemes. So they returned to Devonshire with the unlucky fire-escapes,
sincerely regretting they had ever been tempted to purchase them.
But, although the disaster had got wind, and with various versions had
reached even into Devonshire, they were much consoled by the following
narration of it which appeared in the county paper, in a light most
favourable to their interests and reputation, although totally devoid
of truth in almost every particular.
The _flaming_ paragraph ran thus:--"We understand that Mr. and.
Mrs. Flybekin of ------ in this county, while upon a visit to their
noble relatives, Lord and Lady B. in London, narrowly escaped being
burnt to death. The devouring element almost destroyed the lower part
of the family mansion in Grosvenor-square, over which the lady and
gentleman slept, who had retired early to bed, and who by the accidental
return of Lord and Lady B. from a party, were awakened only just in time
to effect their retreat by means of a fire-escape, fortunately attached
to their bed-room window. We are informed that the fire occurred in
consequence of the footmen, appointed to sit up for their master and
mistress, having fallen asleep, leaving a lighted candle in the room.
Mr. and Mrs. Flybekin escaped, with the loss of all their clothes
but what they hurried on in the confusion, and were conveyed to a
neighbouring hotel by their noble relatives, where they received
succour for the night."
But unhappily for the Flybekins, the naked truth at length forced its
way into Devonshire, and the true statement of the matter was circulated
as above related, and now handed down to their posterity.
Thus, the best version of their story only placed them, "out of the fire
into the frying pan," and the unlucky fire-escapes merely saved them
from the fear of being _badly burnt_, in order that they might all
the rest of their lives be _well roasted_!
There is considerable humour and ingenuity
in the following lines, introducing the
names of London booksellers, and their nominal
fitness for publishing certain books:--
* * * * *
"WHAT'S IN A NAME?"
Long hail! to _Longman_, and his longer Co.,
Pride of our city's Pater Noster Row;
Thy trade forego in novel trash romantic,
And treat the world to something more _gigantic_.
Let _Underwood_ all essays sell on _trees_,
On _shrubs_, or growth of _brushwood_ if he please;
All works on _brewing_ leave to Mr. _Porter_,--
To _Boosey--temperance_, for his firm supporter.
Leave to friend _Bull_ all works on _horned cattle_,
While _Reid_ will teach the youthful mind to _prattle_;
Give _Bohn--anatomy_; give _Mason sculpture_;
_Gardiner's engrafted_ upon _horticulture_.
For valuation-tables on the price of laud,
Why should we seek, since _Byfield_ is at hand;
For works on draining either bog or fen,
In _Marsh_ and _Moore_ we have a choice of men.
Give _Sherwood_ tales of merry men, who stood--
Firm to their robbing--around _Robin Hood_.
_Ogle_ takes _optics,--Miller_, works on _grain_,--
_Ridgway_, on _railroads,--Surgery_ with _Payne_.
Hail! Pic-a-dilly _Hatchard_, thy vocation
Should be prolific, for 'tis _incubation_;
Thy pious care brought _Egley_ into _note_,
And still on _Gosling_ some folks say you dote.
But to my plan.--To make the dull ones plod well,
Books for the use of _schools_, give Mr. _Rodwell_;
And works on _painting_ should you ever lack,
You need but brush to either _Grey_ or _Black_.
From _Cowie_ works on _vaccination_ fetch,
_Pedestrian tours_ from _Walker_, or from _Stretch_;
And if in search of _wonders_ you should range,
Where can you seek them better than from _Strange_.
The suff'ring climbing boys our pity claim,
To aid their interest--_Suttaby_, I'd name;
And as they're oft of _churchyard-terrors_ slaves,
Print works to cure them, O! _Moon, Boys,_ and _Graves_.
For plans of bridges _Arch_ would be the best;
For stairs and steps on _Banister_ I'd rest;
All that relates to church or chapel holy,
I vote that such be _Elder's_ business solely.
_Sustenance_ on _diet_ surely ought to treat;
_Joy_ gives us _human happiness_ complete:
_Tilt_ will all works on _tournament_ enhance,
The _law_--Oh! that of course I leave to _Chance_,
_Priestly_ and _Chappell_ may divide _theology_,
_Hookham_ and _Roach_ the angling and _ichthyology_;
And for _Phrenology_, what need of rumpus,
One for his _Nob_ will do--so take it, _Bumpus_!
* * * * *