How folkses emotions will sometimes rise up entirely onexpected and
onbeknown to them, and git the better on 'em. Of course we male
Americans have always foreboded and felt dretful about a certain
subject. But this mornin' it come over me like a black flood, the
realizin' sense of the enormous labor that votin' would bring onto
weak delicate females, and how impossible it wuz for their fraguile
constitution and puny strength to stand up under it.
Why, how many many times we statesmen have said and preached and
lectured that wimmen wuzn't much more nor less than angels, and ort to
be treated as such. Tender delicate flowers, to be kep' from every
chillin' breeze of life that tried to blow onto 'em.
Such talk has been one of the greatest comforts of us men, and has been
very affectin' and effective with lots of females. As I say I've knowed
it and held forth on it for years and years, ever since this loathsome
doctrine of Wimmen's Rights become so prominent in Jonesville.
But as many different emotions as I've had about it, never wuz my
feelin's so wrought up as upon this occasion I speak of. My steeled pen
fairly trembled in my hands, shook by my devotion to Samantha, and my
determination if possible to keep her beloved and delicate form from
sinkin' down under the awful fateeg of votin', and havin' Rights. I wuz
so excited and strung up by my feelin's, that I felt that I must warn
her agin about it that very minute, and I hollered to her to come to me
to once.
I spoze my voice wuz skairful, my feelin's wuz such, and she come a
hurryin' in wipin' her hands on her apron, and sez she, "For the
land's sake! what is the matter, Josiah? Have you got a crick?"
"No," sez I, "I've fell into fur deeper waters than any crick. It come
over me like a overwhelmin' flood, the thought of the weakness of
wimmen, and the arjous and tuckerin' job of votin', and how impossible
it wuz for weak wimmen to not sink down under it, and I felt I had to
warn you about it this very minute, and entreat you agin to shun it as
you would a pizen serpent."
"Well," sez she, "you better forebode to yourself another time. I wuz
jest rensin' out my last biler of clothes, and I've got to whitewash
the summer kitchen, and paint the buttery floor, and scrape the paper
off overhead in the settin' room, so's to paper it to-morrow. And I
guess that whitewashin' and scrapin' off that paper with a case knife
overhead is as hefty a job as liftin' up a paper ballot, to say nothin'
of the biler full of clothes I'm liftin' on and off, and sweatin' over
the wash-tub. And I'll thank you to keep your forebodin's and warnin's
to yourself in the future, and not call me offen my work." And she went
out and shet the door hard.
And that's all the thanks I got for my tender feelin's and overpowerin'
desire to keep hardships from her. But I knowed she wuz expectin'
company, and fixin' up and preparin' for 'em, so I overlooked it in
her, and I presoom to say the thought of that company and the extra
good meals we wuz sure to have, had a amelioratin' effect on me. But
her hashness won't stop me nor other noble tender hearted males from
worryin' about the turrible hardship and labor of votin', and tryin'
our best to keep the gentle delicate females we are protectin' and
guardin' from plungin' into it.
But I'm so sensitive and my feelin's so easy hurt, that it must have
been a minute and a half before my mind settled down agin and I could
hold my steeled pen in as firm a grip as heretofore, and resoom my
powerful argumentative strain.
Another reason I've argued why wimmen should not vote wuz she would act
so awkward in politics she would put in so many petickulars, wimmen's
minds hain't stabled, they hain't got horse sense. And they don't nor
won't appreciate that good old doctrine that has always been such a
comfort to me and Uncle Sime and other statesmen, that what has been
always will be, and to let well enough alone. No they have got to be
tinkerin' and tryin' to make things better, and interfere, and talk and
tell petickulars. Now if a merchant sells 'em cloth for their fambly,
instead of buyin' and payin' for it and keepin' their mouth shet as a
man would, they'll feel of it and pull it to and fro, fro and to. And
if it hain't what he claims it is, if it is shoddy and poor, they'll
talk and talk till he has to hustle round and buy good stuff, or they
won't trade with him, takin' off his profits jest by petickulars.
And if a grocer lets his eatin' stuff lay round outdoors for the flies
to roost on, do you spoze they'll buy that stuff? No, their minds not
bein' bigger than them fly specks, they'll hound that man till they
make him cover up that stuff or bring it into the house, and every one
that has got horse sense knows it makes that man extra work, but what
do they care? And if he tries to make a little more money by sellin'
things that hain't jest what you might call hullsome--and of course
every business man understands that he wants to make all the money he
can--why, the woman that buys that stuff once, and thinks it hain't
what she wants to feed her fambly on, she begins to tell petickulars;
she'll call it rotten, and tell how long it has been in cold storage,
she'll say "to lessen population and increase some millionaire's
revenue." And she'll call his canned vegetables mouldy, and tell how
his canned meat smells, and how it made her children sick, and how Eben
Purdy's little girl died after eatin' it, and how it took off old Miss
Lanfear.
All these little petickulars she has to dwell on with other wimmen till
she gits 'em all rousted up and there will be a dozen talkin' at one
time, sez I, and sez he, and sez she, and sez they. And they'll keep it
up and jest boycote that man till he has to keep hullsome goods that
cost him most as much agin, and of course cuts down his profits, but
they don't think of that.
And how them wimmen found fault with the decision of the Supreme court,
that pizen could be used to bleach flour, when they knew the Supreme
court is composed of the very smartest men in the Nation. And they
knowed them supreme men didn't approve of usin' enough pizen in it to
kill the aged and infants.
But they had to argy and boast that if they wuz supreme wimmen, they
wouldn't had a mite of pizen put into bread, jest as if grown folks
can't stand a little pizen now and then. But you can see plain that
they claim that wimmen can manage the home and food bizness better than
men, and want to find fault with men and git the upper hands on 'em.
And it is jest so with milk. A fool ort to know that it makes a man as
much agin work to fuss and clean off his cows and his stables every
day, and keep his milk absolutely clean. But what do they care if a man
breaks his back cleanin' his stables and washin' off his cows' tits.
They'll talk and put in every little petickular about how many babies
wuz killed by his bad milk, and how many folks got tomain from it, till
they carry the day and git the milk they want. Another man made to toe
the mark by petickulars.
And it is jest so with stuff throwed into the street--why, a man can't
call his soul his own, and throw a old cabbage or rotten potato into
the street without their interferin' with him, and makin' him clean up
his primises and keep a covered garbage can.
[Illustration: "Till she gets 'em all rousted up, and just boycote that
man till he has to keep hullsome food"]
Now jest imagine what that meddlin' interferin' sperit would be if
carried into politics, if public officials wuz a prey to woman's
petickulars. Now spozin' a man wuz nominated for some high office
that hain't mebby jest exactly square. For as Uncle Sime sez, "What
man is square in public life? No," he sez, "you'll find 'em every shape
and size, except 4 by 4."
But wimmen can't accept that scientific statement, made by folks that
know, that men are made in such a way that public life and politics
wears and rubs on their square corners, and digs into and destroys
their shape, so as Uncle Sime sez, "They can't help bein' crooked."
But wimmen's brains hain't strong enough, and their naters and
consciences hain't elastic enough to comprehend such matters. They
always have and always will pay more attention to them little
petickulars of Right and Wrong than men have time to. As I've said
before, they can't see big, they see little. They'll talk it over
together how many million dollars is made by the White Slave trade
every year, ketchin' sweet young girls, they'll say by the net of their
love, by drink, by pizened needles, flattery, lies, treachery, takin'
'em from health, home and happiness, and throwin' 'em to the lions of
Lust and Greed, into livin' deaths.
Oh, yes, they'll put in all the petickulars. And they'll ask how many
millions wuz made by highway graft, tax-payers wadin' through mud,
whilst high officials, contractors and public grabbers stuff the
tax-payer's money in their pockets. And they'll bring up stories about
all the other big corporations and money grabbers.
And how much blood money is made yearly by whiskey sellin'? That is
the main fountain their petickulars gush from. Now if a smart hustlin'
saloon keeper is nominated for some high office and wimmen could vote,
what would be the consequence? Why, they would jest onloose them
petickulars onto him and he would be washed completely away on 'em.
They wouldn't know any better than to peek and pry into his bizness,
and run it down to the lowest notch. Jest as if a bizness that is good
enough for the U.S. Govermunt isn't good enough for them. No, their
naters bein' such, and they've got such itchin' ears, they'll pry
round into every crook and turn of that man's bizness, and talk about
it till they git the hull community riled up. The hull wimmen crew will
pin on their white ribbings, and git their heads together, tellin' some
story agin him, and the bizness he represents, and go into all the
petickulars, sez I, and sez he, and sez she, and sez they.
"Le'me see," sez they, "when wuz it he got Hen Daggett so drunk that he
went home and whipped his wife, and most killed her and her next baby
wuz born a fool.
"And what time o' night wuz it, wuz it ten or twelve, that he got old
Chawgo's boy crazy drunk and wantin' to git rid on him, histed him up
on his motorcycle and started him for home, and he didn't go half a
mile before he fell off and wuz killed.
"And what time of year wuz it, wuz it late in the spring or early in
the summer, that them two Wizzel girls wuz took from his saloon drugged
and unconscious, and not a hide or hair on 'em seen sence.
"And le'me see, wuz it on a Monday or a Tuesday, that them two men got
into a drunken fight in his saloon and both on 'em got killed. No, it
wuz on a Wednesday, for I remember I cut my bib apron wrong, I cut it
ketrin ways, and jest as I wuz cuttin' it over, I hearn of that big
railroad smash-up where two hundred got killed and maimed by a drunken
engineer."
Them wimmen would bring up all them little petickulars agin that man,
and his bizness lection day, jest to be mean, and to beat him. Every
man and woman whiskey had destroyed, all the crime and agony and
poverty it has caused, every fambly wrecked by it, every young man
ruined, every young girl who went through the saloon into destruction,
and the one hundred thousand deaths caused by it every year. They
wouldn't know enough to keep their mouths shet at this time when it
wuz so important to have 'em shet up; they'd jest clutter up the road
to the pole with petickulars. And no matter how flourishin' a bizness
that man wuz doin', and how much money he wuz makin', and how much he
wuz willin' to pay for votes, helpin' the male community in this way,
they'd carry the day agin him.
They can't seem to realize what a loss in propputy it is to the man
they're a houndin'. And if you twit 'em of it they'll twit back and
ask, What of the one billion, four hundred million dollars loss to the
country every year, caused by strong drink, and ask you if you know
that as many Americans are killed every year by it as has been killed
in all the battles of the world since time begun. Havin' to ask all
these little leadin' questions at jest that onconvenient time and take
the advantage on him.
And then when they git him turned down and some favorite religious man
elected in his place, oh, how their tongues would run agin, tellin' of
all the good things he'd done and would do; agin it would be sez I, and
sez he, and sez she, and sez they. Wimmen can't seem to learn to set
still to home, and knit, no, they have got to meddle and interfere
with men's bizness, as fur as they can, and woe be to us if they ever
cut loose and run furder.
Why the Hullsale Liquor Dealers' Association will agree with every word
I've said. They know what females are, and what they can do when they
git their white ribbings on, and are banded together agin 'em, and they
begin to tell petickulars. That's what makes 'em fight so agin Woman's
Suffrage. They know where they and their bizness would be after a few
years of wimmen's petickulars and votin', and they're willin' to pay
well them that help 'em.
As I've intimidated before, to a smart hustlin' bizness man who looks
out for his own interest, it is absolutely appallin' to see how
Woman Suffragists stand in their own light. But in my talk about the
shiftless ways of these wimmen, and their tetotle inability to see
where their interests lays, I want to make a honorable exception of
the modest retirin' She Auntys. Them wimmen, though females, have got
some good horse sense; they know which side their bread is buttered and
they lay out to keep it right side up. They know who helps butter that
bread. They know it is better to ride round in palace cars to their
lectures agin Female Suffrage, helped by them who hate that cause like
pizen, than it is to walk afoot. And they know enough to grasp special
priveliges, and enjoy 'em, and they lay out to help the ones that help
them.
Liquor dealers have got oceans of horse sense, and oceans of money, and
they let that money flow along where it will do the most good, into
female channels if necessary. Anything to dam up the big waters of
Reform from risin' up and washin' 'em away, and stop Woman Suffragists
from ruinin' their bizness, and tellin' petickulars and votin'. And
I'll ask this question of any man or woman with the brains of a
angleworm or caterpillar--Hain't it easier to float along with the
current, than to fight agin it and go in the other direction? Why a
fool ort to know it is.
You won't ketch them She Auntys a peekin' round huntin' for every
little petickular about what the Liquor Dealers' Association stands
for, and talk and tattle about the effects of liquor sellin', no
indeed. And I want to say and own up that when I find a spark of horse
sense in a female, I'm willin' to own up to seein' that spark shinin'
out agin the background of females' nateral ignorance and folly.
We Jonesvillians reconize smartness and horse sense, and I want to
encourage and happify them She Auntys by sayin', that the Creation
Searchin' Society of Jonesville will never be found throwin' out no
slurs agin them. Neither will I as a male man, and a celebrated author,
ever be found mockin' and sneerin' at 'em.
Of course they are females, but considerin' the limited amount of
brains that females have and their scurcity of horse sense, they have
done and are doin' the best they can. The Creation Searchin' Society of
Jonesville and the Liquor Dealers' Association stand up hand in hand,
with me in the midst, and publicly reconize their humble helpfulness,
and what more in the way of honor can any human female ask for?
I always despised petickulars, every male man duz. It's nateral when
our minds are took up with big things, big thoughts, petickulars jar on
us; we hain't got the time for 'em in our busy lives. But I believe few
of my bretheren can say what I can, that petickulars come within one of
bein' the death on 'em.
The way on't wuz Samantha wuz to Tirzah Ann's visitin' and wuz took bed
sick there, and right while I wuz stark livin' alone, I wuz took down
with voylent pains runnin' up and down my spinal collar, and hull body.
But the neighborin' wimmen, friends of Samantha, I will say done all
they could for me, they flocked in and filled me up with milk porridge,
chicken broth, etc., and sot up with me nights and waited on me, helped
by their various husbands. And I should got along all right if it
hadn't been for the endless swarm of petickulars they driv into my room.
Talk, talk, talk, and tellin' petickulars, some on 'em smaller than the
end of a nat's toe nail.
And one day when I'd been made almost delerious by 'em, I made out to
open the stand draw at the head of my bed and git out a pad and pencil,
and writ the follerin' verses which come from the very bottom of my
soul, Heaven knows!