In my tremenjous efforts to succor my sufferin' and women-hounded sect
at this awful epock of time, I have already held forth on the beautiful
and congenial subject of the love and protectin' care males have
always loved to show towards females. But agin I take up my steeled
pen to write upon this most important subject. For I agin warn my sect
solemnly that this beautiful trait in me and us, is what we should
enlarge upon, and insist on makin' the female sect admit at this epock
of danger and revolt.
Yes, my sufferin' sect, we should make 'em own up to it, peacefully if
we can, but if necessary let us insert it into their obstinate craniums
with a crowbar and hammer. For though a weaker inteleck may not grasp
its importance and extreme needecessity, it is plain to the eagle eye
of a Researcher and Reformer of females that if they admit this, they
have got to admit all that follers, the perfect peace and rest they
feel surrounded by these noble traits as by a shinin' mantilly.
With this worthy end in view I've tried to warn Samantha time and agin
that if females insisted on risin' up and demandin' their Rights they
would become so obnoxious to the stronger and opposite sects that men
would lose that tender courtesy they have always loved to show towards
wimmen. But I've never been able to skair her, and I don't know as
I ever shall. Mebby this Great Work of mine when it is finished and
lanched onto a waitin' world may dant her, but, I don't know, I feel
dubersome about it.
Sez she when I brung it up to her agin, "Men and wimmen are born with
different traits; wimmen have love and tenderness and sympathy towards
the helpless, babies, husbands, etc.; you insist that votin' hain't
changed nor harmed men's courtesy and chivalry you talk so much about,
so why should votin' break down these inborn traits in wimmen that men
admire?"
"But you will see that it will," sez I, "and methought I had proved it
to you on a former occasion that it is a scientific fact proved by such
scientific men as myself, Simon Bentley Esq., and other deep thinkers,
that the very minute a woman goes to the pole that very minute a man's
courtesy and chivalry towards her is utterly destroyed."
But if you'll believe it even this turrible idee didn't seem to skair
her. She sez, "If I can't have but one I'd ruther have justice than
courtesy, but I'd like both, and don't see why I can't have 'em."
But I sez agin firmly and decisively, "You can't have both on 'em,
for if a woman votes, by that brazen and onbecomin' move of hern,
wimmen lose that winnin' weakness and appealin' charm for men, their
helplessness before the law, and their clingin' dependence upon them
to take care of them and their propputy that is so endearin' to my
sect. And if they spile this by their obnoxious act of votin' they must
take the awful consequences."
Sez Samantha, "It has worked well in other states; it has helped men,
wimmen and children mentally, socially and legally. If it wuz such
a dangerous thing as you say it is, why have men granted suffrage
to wimmen after it has been tried for twenty years or more in a
neighborin' state, right in their own dooryard as you may say? Would
they venter if they hadn't found that it wuz a good thing?"
Sez I hautily, "I am not talkin' about other states or other countries,
or other males or other females. I am working and writing in the
interests of Jonesville and its environin' environs. I am tryin' to
ward off with my right hand, and my steeled pen the waves of error that
I see in my own mind sweepin' down nigher and nigher onto us."
And I went on with a soarin' eloquence enough to melt the heart of
a salamander, "I stand at the Gate of Jonesville as the boy stood on
the burnin' deck when all but him had flowed, and I will stand there
protectin' that Gate, and us male Jonesvillians from infringin' and
encroachin' females till I'm sot fire to."
I waved out my hand in a noble jester as I spoke, and spozed mebby it
would touch Samantha's heart. But she looked at me over her specs from
head to foot in the cool aggravatin' way wimmen have sometimes, and I
read in her eyes the remark she didn't utter:
"You hain't big enough to make much of a bonfire."
But I didn't reply to that unuttered tant, I felt above it, and went
on, "I am not the only man who takes that firm onchangeable position.
England has a high official who occupies the same noble poster. He
don't heed or care what females want or don't want, nor what other
statesmen want or don't want. Nor he don't care what is goin' on in
other parts of the world, or not goin' on. His proud position is to
shield England from the encroachin' army of Female Suffragists. To
do what he's made up his mind to do, and nothin' can't stop him, not
threats, nor reason, nor argument, nor broken winders, nor torn coat
tails. A good hard shakin' from a female can't change him, nor shake
his resolve out of him, nor hunger strikes, nor fleein' wimmen, nor
pursuin' ones. He stands side by side with me. And even if it brought
the towers of Jonesville and England in ruins at our four feet we would
not then change our two great minds.
"His bizness is to not look to see what is done in other places or not
done, but to protect his own Green Isle from what he's made up his mind
is dangerous and infringin'.
"Oh," sez I with a deep heart felt sithe, "would that we two congenial
souls might meet and sympathize with each other. But though sea and
land divides our bodies, our sperits meet and flow together." I wuz
almost lost in the rapped idee of the sweet conference meetin' we
two could enjoy together. But anon I gin my attention to the subject
momentarily broke in upon (for my mind is so large and roomy it is big
enough for several trains of thought to run through it at one time).
And I sez as I remarked prior and heretofore, "Samantha, that courtesy
in males is a most beautiful trait; you see it everywhere, to mill
and to meetin', as the old sayin' is. Now last week when I wuz to the
conference, Uncle Sime and I wuz in a crowded street car and a dretful
fat woman come in, heftier than you are, Samantha."
"Is it possible?" sez she coldly (she thinks I make light of her heft
but I don't; it hain't nothin' to make light of, specially when you
lift her in and out the democrat).
"Yes," sez I, "she wuz even fatter than you are, and she come in
red-faced and pantin' from the exertion. And a young chap who had been
settin' with two or three other young fellers carryin' on and laughin',
the very minute she come wheezin' in, he riz up and sez to her:
"'I will be one of three men to give you a seat, madam.'
"You see, Samantha," sez I, "how that inborn courtesy in males inserted
itself even in a street car."
"Yes, I see," sez Samantha in a still colder axent, but I could tell
by her linement that she wuzn't a mite convinced. And I went on a
praisin' up that noble trait of my sect, and tryin' to convince her
how universal it wuz, and how turrible it would be for females to lose
it, but she kep' on a knittin' on my blue sock, and sez in quite a
reasonable axent for a female to use:
"Yes, to see a great hearted noble man guard and protect a woman is a
beautiful sight, but," sez she, "that trait, though sometimes seen, is
not universal."
Sez I, "It is; it is jest as universal as--as--any universalist ever
wuz."
But she kep' right on in the persistent, irritatin' way wimmen have;
as I've said prior and before, they can't seem to be willin' to give
up to man's superior judgment, they're bound to talk and argy. And her
voice wuz as firm as any rock in our medder, and if there is anything
more firmer and aggravatin' than them I'd like to see 'em. She made me
think that minute of them big rocks when I wuz tryin' to plough round
'em. I see I could jest as easy make a furrer through them as through
her sot obstinate old mind as she said agin:
"Men don't always use courtesy towards wimmen."
As she made that damagin' insertion agin, is it any wonder that the
plough of my manly judgment struck fire from her rocky obstinacy? I
acted fearful wrathy and disputed her right up and down.
Sez I, "That is sunthin' that no man will stand for; they will not
brook bein' accused of a lack of courtesy towards wimmen." I acted
dretful indignant, for in this turrible time us men have got to lay
holt of every little nub of argument and hang onto it like a dog to a
bone, or the Lord only knows what will become on us, or how low a hole
we will be ground down into by the high heels of females.
Sez Samantha, "I admit there are beautiful instances of men protectin'
and guardin' wimmen, but how wuz it with Fez Lanfear? He wuz always
boastin' about men's courtesy and chivalry, and how did it come out?"
I sot silent and scratched my head for a minute or so, not as Samantha
intimidated to try to dig out a favorable idee, no, it itched.
And I sez, "Id'no as I blame Fez for always talkin' about this trait
in his sect, and Id'no as I blame him for what it led to." He see
how necessary it wuz to insist on men's havin' these traits, and his
wife would argy agin him, and he'd git riled up. He always had to be
real sharp with her and boss her, for if he hadn't he would lost the
upper hand of her, which every man ort to have, and she would took
the advantage on him and run on him. For the propputy all belonged to
her and it made Fez discouraged, and took his ambition away, and he
couldn't seem to set himself to work, and all the comfort he had wuz
in arguin' on them traits of men and playin' on the fiddle and base
drum, so she rented her place and they lived on what she got for it.
But knowin' it wuz her ruff that covered him, and her chairs he sot
in, and her vittles he et, and clothes he wore, made him irritated and
fraxious, and he knowed he'd got to sass her and act uppish towards
her or he wouldn't be nothin' nor nobody. And she would act real
disagreeable and tell him she'd love to see some of the courtesy of his
sect he talked so much about showed out by him to home, and she doubted
he had any, and knowin' that he had oceans of it, for every man has, it
naterally madded him.
And one washin' day they got to arguin' and he brung up them noble
traits of men, and their onvaryin' courtesy and generosity towards
wimmen. And right in the midst on't she asked him to bring in two pails
of water to finish her washin' on account of her havin' a lame back.
He wuz practicin' a new piece entitled "Woman, Lovely Woman," and
bein' so interested in it and bein' broke off so sudden from melody
and men's noble traits to act as a chore boy (he'd argyed so much he
could argy and fiddle) and a smartin' I spoze from the dispute they wuz
havin', he wouldn't git her the water and told her real short to git it
herself.
And as she started with two pails for the water--they brung it up from
the creek by hand, for Fez had never had time to make a cistern--she
twitted him agin about that courtesy of men towards wimmen, and bein'
so high strung and independent sperited, he up and hit her and knocked
her down, and stood over her a hollerin':
"Now will you dispute me agin, and say that men don't show any courtesy
towards wimmen?" And bein' browbeat and skairt (for he wuz a great
strong man and she a little mite of a woman and tired out) she had to
knuckle down and admit that men _did_ have courtesy, oceans of it. But
he wouldn't git the water, he showed his independence there and she
better kep' still and not aggravated him.
Lots of folks blamed him, Samantha did, them that see shaller, and
didn't see deep into first causes. He told Uncle Sime and me jest how
it wuz; he said that mad and aggravated as he wuz he didn't forgit
that his wife belonged to the weaker and tenderer sect, and it wuz a
husband's duty and privelige to take care on her and shield her from
harm. And he said he didn't hit her hard at all, only gin her a little
tunk to let her know who wuz master there and that he wouldn't brook
female arguin', and he said that if she hadn't been so tuckered out it
wouldn't have hurt her much of any, and he wuz as surprised as she wuz
when she tumbled over. But he said seein' she laid there on the floor
he see it wuz his duty to his own sect to make her own up how truly
superior men wuz, and how much courtesy they had, for he thought mebby
he should never git so good a chance agin to make her own up to them
noble traits of men. Uncle Sime and I both see how Fez felt and what
driv him to do what he did.
I tell you agin it is a perilous and agonizin' epock of time for the
male sect at home and abroad. Men in America havin' to set curled up
on a bench by the side of the road, and see weak wimmen, underlin's,
a marchin' by 'em in the center of the street with brass bands and
banners a flyin'. And in England the highest official of the Empire
held by the collar and shook by a weak female jest like a spitball
thrower of a schoolboy, and couldn't resent it in court owin' to his
havin' so much dignity at the stake.
Oh, my downtrod sect! what are we a comin' to? I do git so wrought
up a meditatin' on the dretful things that are a happenin' to us men
nowdays, and how browbeat and how humiliated we are by our inferiors,
I git so cast down and deprested that my melancholy sperit has to
bust out in poetry. For some time I've had them feelin's. Now last
Christmas night I had such a spell, and I had to git out of bed and
put Samantha's crazy quilt round me (and it seemed as if that insane
quilt made me feel more high strung and wild) and go out in the settin'
room and ease my strugglin' sperit in verse.
Why, sometimes it seems if I didn't have this safety valve to my
bustin', swellin' emotions it seems almost as if I should have to be
hooped to keep myself together. But poetry kinder easies me a little.
Now last Saturday night I writ the follerin' verses as late as leven
P.M. We'd been to meetin' as usual, and had a splendid Christmas
dinner. Samantha, as I have mentioned prior and before this, with all
the weaknesses and shortcomin's of her inferior sect, is a masterly
cook. But it is all nonsense her thinkin' I et too much; I didn't eat
more'n four pieces of mince pie, and three helpin's of plum puddin',
besides the turkey and vegetables and salad and such. If a strong man
belongin' to a strong and superior sect can't stand that, it is a pity.
She insisted that it wuz a nightmair that sot on my chist and rid me
out of bed into the settin' room that time o' night. But it wuzn't no
such thing, it wuz my melancholy and deprested sperit that overcome me
a thinkin' of my sect and what wuzn't to be.
It seems as if everything melancholy and cast down appeared right
in front on me. Seems as if I could see old Fate a encouragin' and
pompeyin' the more opposite sect, and turnin' her back and lookin'
down onto me and my sect, and refusin' me and us things she might have
gin us if she'd a mind to. But bein' a female we might know she'd be
contrary and love to tromple on us, and on me in petickular. As I sot
there in them solemn night hours, with Samantha sleepin' peacefully in
the next room and the old clock tickin' away as if onmindful of the
sufferin' sperit near it, it seemed as if every mean jab old Fate had
ever gin me from her sharp elbows and hard knuckles riz right up before
me, and I seemed to see all the agreable things she might have did for
the benefit of me and my sect if she hadn't been so contrary, but as I
said, what could you expect of a female? My feelin's wuz turrible; the
verses I gin vent to relieved me a little some like prickin' a bile and
after writin' 'em I went back to bed and slep' so sound that I never
hearn Samantha buildin' a fire and gittin' breakfast till the sweet
uroma of the coffee and briled chops stole on my wakened senses and I
forgot for the moment the trials of me and my sect and felt better than
I did feel. The verses wuz entitled: