WALKS AND TALKS.
"They tell me you are to be congratulated, Hester," said old Captain
Morgan.
She had met him taking his evening walk, and in that and in his aspect
altogether there was something altogether despondent--a depression and
air of weakness which was not common with the old man. She had not gone
with him for some days, and perhaps he had felt the desertion. The first
thing Hester did was to draw his hand within her arm.
"You are tired," she said.
"Not very. I am a silly old fellow and always go too far. I have been
thinking of you, my dear; and if you are to be congratulated----"
"No; I don't think so, Captain Morgan. What about?"
"About---- If anything so important had happened you would have come and
told me, Hester."
"I am glad you see that at last. But yes, there is something to
congratulate me upon. Nothing did happen. Is not that a great deal to
say? For I was tempted, sadly tempted."
"My dear, I don't understand that."
Hester laughed.
"You see, Captain Morgan, you are wise and know a great deal; but you
were never a girl--and a poor girl. It would have been so delightful to
put my mother back in her nice house, and show Catherine----" Here she
paused somewhat embarrassed.
"What of Catherine?" he said.
"Oh, not much--they were, perhaps, when they were young--on different
sides. My mother has come down, and Cousin Catherine has gone up. I
should like to have put the balance straight."
"To bring Catherine down, and put your mother----"
"No, Captain Morgan. Catherine is always good when she is with you. I
think I almost like her _then_. I would not harm her," said Hester,
holding up her head, "if I had the power to do it. But she scorns every
one of us; perhaps because we all consent to eat her bread. I would not,
you know, if I could help it."
"I know you are ungenerous, Hester, in that respect."
"Ungenerous! Well, never mind, there are more kinds of ungenerosity than
one. I am going in with you to tell Mrs. Morgan."
"I am not sure," said the old captain, "though it is a wretched piece of
self-denial, that I want you to come with me to-night."
Hester opened her great eyes wide.
"Why!" she said. It was the one house in the world to which she felt she
had a right.
"That is nonsense, however," said the old man; "for of course you must
meet. We have got our grandson, Hester."
"I heard somebody had come, but I thought it was a gentleman. I did not
know you had any--children--except little Mary."
"We have none--in this world; but do you think my wife would have been
what she is with never a child? We all have our disabilities, my love. I
have never been a young girl, and you have never been an old--pair."
They both laughed. Hester with the easily-recovered cheerfulness of
youth, he in tremulous tones, which had as much pathos as mirth in them.
"This is the son of my daughter," he said. "She has been long dead, poor
girl--happily for her. Unless when there is some business connected with
them to be settled we don't talk much of them. My wife and I long ago
went back to the honeymoon stage. We have had to live for each other:
and very glad to have each other to live for. Children are very strange,
my dear."
"Are they?" said Hester, with an awe which she could scarcely
understand.
"Very strange. So dependent upon you for long, so independent after; so
unlike you, that you cannot understand what you have to do with them.
Perhaps it is a penalty of living so long as we have done. I have a
theory," said the old captain, cheering up, "that after seventy, when
you have lived out your life, you begin another. And it is quite
different. It is a pity we can't renew the old bodies--eyes and ears and
legs and all the rest of it. It would be a very interesting experiment."
"Like the people who found the elixir of life, or the Wandering Jew?"
The girl spoke to humour him, herself wondering over every word with
that curiosity, mingled with pity and tenderness and half disapproval,
with which youth listens to the vagaries of age.
"Not at all like the Wandering Jew; his life was continuous and
one-ideaed," said Captain Morgan, delighted to get upon his hobby. "And
I miss a great deal in the stories of those who get the elixir. They may
renew their lives but not themselves. There is one I recollect at this
moment, St. Leon. Of course you have never read St. Leon. He becomes a
beautiful young man, and the rival of his son, who, of course, does not
know him. But the old fellow knows _him_. He is an old fellow
notwithstanding his elixir; the soul of him is just the same. That is
not my point of view."
The old man had become quite erect and walked smartly, animated by his
fancy, leading Hester with him rather than leaning on her.
"No," he repeated, "that is not at all my point of view. The bodies keep
old, the minds get--different. I have shaken off my old burdens. I don't
take any more responsibility for those who--used to belong to me. They
don't belong to me any longer. They are labouring along in the former
life. I have started in the new."
"But Mrs. Morgan?" said Hester, with a quaver in her voice.
"Ah! there's the blot," said the old man. "Of course, she and I belong
to each other for ever and ever. Oh, I don't want to begin again without
my old wife; and she won't give up the children, though they are
children no longer. Once a mother, always a mother, Hester. You women
are sadly fettered--you can't shake it off."
"Nor you either, Captain Morgan!" cried Hester, indignant. She could not
bear that he should so wrong himself.
"My dear, I could do it--without difficulty. Is it just, do you think,
that one human creature should be made the victim of another, simply
because he has been instrumental in bringing that other into the world?
Supposing that they have drained all that was best in me out of me for
years? Supposing that they have made my life hard and bitter to me?
Supposing that they have grown alien to me in every respect--thinking
other thoughts, walking in other ways? And that they are as old and more
worldly than I am--older, less open to any influence of nature--am I to
go treating these old rigid commonplace people as if they were my
children still, and breaking my heart about them? No; no."
This seemed a terrible speech to Hester. She kept patting his arm softly
with her hand, and saying, "Oh, Captain Morgan! You do not mean that!"
again and again. It was dreadful that he should say this. A father to
give up his children! It hurt Hester to think that such an idea could
find entrance into any mind.
"And as for the grandchildren, that is out of the question altogether,"
Captain Morgan said; "I am not going to begin a new life of trouble
through them."
"I thought," said Hester, "that fathers and mothers never could forget
their children--it is in the Bible."
"'Can a woman forget?' It is a woman, my dear. There is nothing about a
man. My wife is horrified at what I say, as much as you are. But for all
that there is justice in everything, and one soul should not be
sacrificed for another. Well, will you come in? I do not forbid you; but
don't take much notice, I warn you, Hester, of the person you are going
to meet."
The person she was going to meet! This was enough to make her curious,
if not prepossess her in favour of the unknown, who, however, she
expected to be introduced to her in the shape of a schoolboy--perhaps a
heavy schoolboy--a sort of being for whom the girl had an instinctive
dislike. She followed the old captain into the house almost
mechanically. Mrs. Morgan's chair, now that it began to be chilly in the
evenings, was placed so as to approach the fire, which in the evening
was now always lighted, and sent out a cheerful glow. It was more
cheerful than usual to-night, coming in from the grey of the waning
light outside. There was no lamp, but only the leaping flame of the
fire. The sound of cheerful voices in conversation, even of laughter,
was audible as the door was opened. The quiet in which the old lady
generally sat waiting for her husband's return--a tranquillity which was
peace itself, yet a silent peacefulness--had always seemed very sweet to
Hester. That soft stillness of waiting had seemed to her the very
atmosphere of love; but now at the door, even before she entered, she
was conscious of a difference. Life had entered in. The voices were not
forced or measured, but chiming with each other in the free interchange
of familiar affection: the old lady's soft little laugh enticing a
louder laughter; her voice alternating with the deeper tones. There was
no pause in this lively conversation; but some one rose up against the
firelight--a tall, straight figure, no schoolboy, as was evident at the
first glance--when they went in. But, indeed, the first glance was not
supported by any further revelation, for after the little commotion
occasioned by their entrance, the stranger subsided into his chair
again, and remained to Hester, till her departure, a shadow only, with a
singularly soft and harmonious voice. It got up again to bow to her. And
it went on talking, out of the gloom, as she, sitting in the full glare
of the light, kept shyly by Mrs. Morgan's side. Why was she shy? It was
not her disposition to be shy. This evening a gentle embarrassment was
upon her. She had a pleasure in sitting there by the old lady's side,
defended by the darkness from all necessity of saying anything, sharing,
she could scarcely tell why, the content which trembled in every tone of
her old friend's voice. The captain did not take any share in this talk.
He sat down behind backs, saying that the fire was too much for him,
with a long-drawn breath that sounded like a sigh. Once or twice he was
appealed to by name, and made a brief response; but he took no part in
the conversation. On ordinary occasions it was he who talked, Mrs.
Morgan in her great chair remaining quietly quiescent, now and then
making a remark. It was very strange to see the captain thrown thus into
the background; but, curiously enough, Hester did not remark it, so much
was she occupied with the novelty of the conversation. When the door
opened she was alarmed lest it should be the lights that were coming, so
much more satisfactory was it to let things remain as they were. The
unseen speaker talked about a great many things altogether unknown to
Hester--his brothers and sisters, his cousins, a throng of unknown
Christian names, every one of which it was evident had characteristics
of its own with which both the speakers were acquainted. The listener
felt as if a throng of new acquaintances crowded softly in, filling the
dim place with not unfriendly faces.
"And what is Elinor doing?" Mrs. Morgan said.
"It is easy to answer that question, grandmother. She is spoiling her
children, and we all know so much better, we who have none."
"Yes, yes; that is always the way," said the old lady. "But, Roland, you
must tell her from me that it is very foolish. She will not think it is
ignorance on my part. Her mother, poor dear, was just the same," and
here the old lady shook her head softly, with a glitter in her eyes, as
if a tear was not far off; but if so, there was sweetness in the tear.
She turned, after a time, to Hester, who sat by, with a strange sort of
pleasure to which she was unaccustomed, listening, in surprised
interest, without wishing to take any part.
"You are surprised to hear me so talkative, Hester? But it is not often
I have a grandson to wake me up. You did not know I had one perhaps? Ah!
I have been hearing of so many people that I don't often hear of. That
does an old body good."
"I like it too," said Hester, the firelight adding colour and animation
to her face. "I did not know there were so many people in the world."
"That's very pretty of you to say, my dear," said the old lady. "I was
afraid you would think it all gossip; but they are people who belong to
me, the most of them. And letters don't tell you like the voice. You
must run away when you are tired, for I think I shall go on asking
questions till midnight. This young lady--this dear girl--Roland, is the
comfort of our lives."
"I thought no less," said the voice of the shadow, with a softness which
went to Hester's heart, sending a little thrill of pleasure through her.
She had not even seen his face--but she could not be unaware that he was
looking at hers--from the protecting darkness on the other side of the
fire. This curious pleasurable encounter, as through a veil, of two
fresh souls, hitherto unknown to each other--a moment as full of
enchantment as can be in this world--was suddenly broken in upon by the
old captain, who jumped up, notwithstanding his rheumatism, as quickly
as a boy, and, coming between, stood up with his back to the fire,
interrupting the light.
"My old woman," he said, "your Elinors and your Emilys are like a book
to her. It is like reading a chapter at hazard out of a novel; but there
is no end to the story and no beginning, and she is at this moment deep
in her own--approaching the end of the third volume."
"I should have said, to see Miss Vernon," said the stranger, who was
more a voice than ever, now that the old man interrupted what little
light there was, "that she was at the beginning of the first."
Was it the beginning of the first? Hester felt a wave of colour fly over
her face, and thought in her heart that the new-comer was right. The
initial chapter--surely this was true; not even a beginning, but
something that went before any beginning.
"It never answers," said Captain Morgan, "to give an opinion without
knowledge of the facts. You are a clever fellow, Roland, but not so
clever as that comes to. You will find, Hester, that round every human
creature you come across, there is some kind of a world hanging 'bound
with gold chains about the feet of----' That is the most uncomfortable
metaphor I know. I wonder what Mr. Tennyson could have been thinking of?
Did he think that this round world was hanging on like a big ball,
hampering the going of God, do you suppose? But there is something of
that kind, true enough, with men."
"If you mean that for me," said the old lady, smiling, "you are wrong,
Rowley. God knows my heart yearns after them all, great and small, and
it is the greatest refreshment and no hampering, to hear about them
all--their pleasures and their troubles. What hurts me is to keep it all
in and ask no questions, as so often I have to do."
The old captain shook his head. He kept on shaking it gently.
"We have argued that question a great many times," he said, "but I am
not convinced."
What was evident was, that he intended this conversation which had been
so animated and pleasant to come to an end. He could not surely be
unkind? But he placed himself, as it were, in the midst of the current,
and stopped its flowing. A sensation of vexed displeasure and
disappointment with her old friend whom she loved rose in Hester's mind.
Was it like him to reject the kindness of kin, to limit his wife in her
affections, to turn a cold shoulder on his grandson? And yet all these
things he seemed to do. "Roland" on the other side (she knew no other
name for him), had been silenced. He had scarcely attempted to speak
since the old man took that place in front of the fire, from which his
shadow fell like a dark pillar across the room, dividing the side on
which Mrs. Morgan sat with Hester beside her, from the other on which
was the new being with whom Hester had already formed an almost intimate
acquaintance she felt, though she did not know his name and had not seen
his face. This very uncertainty pleased her imagination, and inclined
her to the new-comer. But it was embarrassing to find herself in the
midst of a scene, where so many confusing uncomprehended elements were
at work, and where something which was not family harmony and peace lay
evidently under the surface. When she rose up to go away, the unknown
rose too; but the captain was on the alert.
"You can now go back to your gossip," he said, "my dear: for I mean to
see Hester round the corner."
"No, Captain Morgan. It is very damp, and your rheumatism----"
"Bah! my rheumatism. There are worse things than my rheumatism," he
said, bustling to get his coat.
"Might I not replace you, grandfather? It would be a pleasure, and I
have no rheumatism."
This idea pleased Hester. It would be only for a moment; but he was
something new. She was so sadly familiar with every person and thing
about that any novelty was delightful to her. But the captain was not to
be shaken off. He pushed Roland back into his seat. "There are worse
things than rheumatism," he said. And he scrambled into his coat and
took Hester under his arm with unwonted formality. She felt annoyed and
angry beyond description, vexed with her old friend. Why should he
interrupt the innocent talk? Why interfere so pointedly to prevent the
simplest communication between her and the stranger? A mere politeness,
where could have been the harm of that? And then it was quite
unnecessary that anybody should see her home. That the old man should
risk an illness to do this, when she had so often run unattended from
one door to the other, was more irritating than words could say. And,
what was worst of all, it made the captain less perfect in her
opinion--the captain of whom she had felt that, all the rest of the
world failing her, here was still an excellence upon which she could
fall back.
Since they had come in, though the interval was short, the autumn
evening had closed in completely. It was very damp and cold. The Common
lay in a white mist; the sky hazy, with a few faint stars looking down
through veils of vapour; the atmosphere heavy.
"Why should you come out to catch cold?" Hester said. "I want no one. I
am quite able to take care of myself."
"And I want no one, my dear, except myself, to have anything to do with
you," said the old man. "I am not afraid to tell you my meaning, without
disguise."
"Then stand at the door while I run home," she pleaded; but he would not
spare her a step of the way. He hobbled along to the verandah, with his
comforter twisted about his throat and mouth, speaking out of the folds
of it with a muffled voice.
"If it was any girl but you I should be afraid to say it, lest the mere
contradiction might be enough for them; but with you I am not afraid,"
he said.
Was his confidence justified? Was Hester too wise to be moved by that
hint of opposition, that sense that a thing which is forbidden must be
pleasant? It is dangerous to predict of any one that this will be the
case; and perhaps the captain did his best to falsify his own hope. He
took her to the very door and saw her admitted, as if there might be a
chance up to the last moment of the alarming grandson still producing
himself to work her harm. And then he hobbled back in the gathering
mists. He even stood lingering at his own door before he went in to the
fireside and the cheerful light.
"Neither Catherine nor Hester, neither the young nor the old," he said
to himself. In his earnestness he repeated the words half aloud,
"Neither Catherine nor Hester, neither money nor love." And then there
came something of scorn into the old man's voice. "If his father's son
is capable of love," he said.
END OF VOL. I.
LONDON
R. CLAY, SONS, AND TAYLOR,
BREAD STREET HILL.
* * * * *
TRANSCRIBER NOTES
Obvious errors and inconsistencies in spelling, punctuation and
hyphenation have been corrected.
Archaic spellings have been retained.
End of Project Gutenberg's Hester, Volume 1 (of 3), by Margaret Oliphant