RECOLLECTIONS.
"If you will not think me an old croaker, ma'am, I would say that you
retired from work too soon. That was always my opinion. I said it at the
time, and I say it again. To give up before your time is flying in the
face of Providence."
"I know you are fond of a fine preacher, Mr. Rule," said Catherine
Vernon; "don't you remember what the Scotch Chalmers said, that our
lives were like the work of creation, and that the last ten years was
the Sabbath--for rest?"
"We are not under the Jewish dispensation," said the old clerk, as if
that settled the question.
Catherine laughed. She was seated near old Mrs. Morgan in the round
window, her carriage waiting outside. Mr. Rule, who was a neighbour,
having retired upon a handsome pension and occupying a handsome house,
had come in to call upon the old couple, and these two, so long
associated in labour and anxiety, had begun, as was natural, to talk on
a subject which the others with difficulty followed--the bank. Mrs.
Morgan never did anything save sit contentedly in her chair with her
hands clasped, but the captain sat by the table working away at one of
his models of ships. He was very fond of making these small craft, which
were admirably rigged and built like miniature men-of-war. This one was
for Alick Vernon, the middle boy of Mrs. Reginald's three. In the
background, half hidden by the curtains and by the captain's seat,
Hester had taken refuge in a deep elbow-chair, and was reading. She did
not want to hide herself, but she had no desire to be seen, and kept in
the background of her own will. Catherine Vernon never took any special
notice of her, and Hester was too proud either to show that she felt
this, or to make any attempt to mend matters. She had risen up on her
cousin's entrance, and touched her hand coldly, then sank back into her
former place, and whether any one remembered that she was there at all
she did not know.
"If one works till sixty, one does very well," Miss Vernon said.
"You did not think that applicable to me, ma'am," said the clerk. "You
would not let me give up till I was near seventy."
"For the sake of the bank--for the sake of the young men. Where would
they have been without a guide?"
"Ah!" said old Rule, shaking his head, "there is no guide like the
chief. They might turn upon me, and laugh in my face, and tell me I am
old-fashioned; but they could not say that to you."
"Well, well! the young men fortunately have gone on very well, and have
shown no need of a guide."
To this there was no reply, but a little pause pregnant of meaning. The
thrill of the significance in it roused Hester altogether from her book:
she had not been reading much to begin with, and now all her faculties
were awakened. She understood no reason for it, but she understood _it_.
Not so Catherine, however, who took no notice, as so often happens to
the person chiefly concerned.
"Thirty years is a long spell," she said. "I was at it late and early,
and did not do so badly, though I am only a woman."
"Women--when they do take to business--are sometimes better then men,"
said the clerk, with an accent almost of awe.
"That is natural," said old Captain Morgan over his boat, without
raising his head. "For why?--it is not the common women, but those of
the noble kind, that ever think of trying: so of course they go further
and do better than the common men."
"I don't think that is a compliment," said Catherine, "though it sounds
a little like one. You have a turn for those sort of sayings, Uncle
Morgan, which seem very sweet, but have a bitter wrapped up in them."
"Nay, he never was bitter, Catherine," said the old lady. "He knows what
he is talking of. He means no harm to the common women--for his wife is
one of them."
"We will not inquire too closely what he means," said Catherine Vernon
with a smile. "Anyhow it is very sweet to be able to retire while one
has still command of all one's faculties, and see the young ones come
in. Of course one does not expect to live for ever. We are all in the
Sunday period of our lives, all of us here."
"Not I," said the old clerk, "with respect be it spoken: I have had my
Sunday and am ready to begin again, if there should be any need of me."
"Which there is not, thank God," she said heartily. And again there
ensued that little pause. Was it possible she did not observe it? No one
echoed the sentiment, no one even murmured the little nothings with
which a stillness, which has a meaning, is generally filled up by some
benevolent bystander. What did it mean? Hester asked herself. But
Catherine took no notice. All had gone so well with her. She was not
afraid of evil tidings. Her affection for the young men, her relations
and successors, was calm enough to secure her from the anxious
prescience of love. She took her life and all that was connected with
her, with that serene and boundless faith which is the privilege of the
untried soul. Catherine would have resented beyond everything else the
imputation that her life was without experience. She had gone through a
great deal, she thought. The evening long ago, when she had been told
that the credit of the Vernons was at stake, and had roused herself to
redeem it, had been the highest crisis and turning-point of existence to
her. What had happened since had been little in comparison. She had not
known what anxiety meant in the deepest sense of the word, and what had
happened before was so long over, that, though she recollected every
incident of that early time, it was apart from all her after-life, and
never influenced her practical thoughts. She did not pay any attention
to that pause which might have awakened her suspicions. There was no
foundation in her for suspicion to build upon. She was so sure of all
connected with her, and of herself, the first necessity of all.
"I will never forget," said old Mr. Rule, after a pause, "that night,
when I had to go and warn you that all was lost unless you would help.
What a night it was! I recollect now the light on Wilton Street; the
sunset shining in the Grange windows as I rushed through the shrubbery.
You were a young lady then, Miss Vernon, and I could not tell whether
you would do it or not. Mrs. John, poor thing, that I went to first, was
never very wise----"
Here a sudden fit of coughing on the part of the captain, and a stirring
of Hester in the background, showed the old clerk his mistake.
"I beg your pardon, Miss Hester," he cried, "I was just going to tell
something of your mother that would please you. When I told her we
wanted money, she ran to her desk and got out all she had. It was twenty
pounds," said the old clerk with a little laugh; "twenty pounds, when we
wanted twice as many thousands! But what did that matter? Some people
have laughed when I have told that story, and some have been nearer
crying."
He was an old man, and tears and laughter get mixed up at that age; he
was nearly crying himself at the end.
Hester's heart gave a bound of mingled pleasure and pain. Perhaps even
she had never done justice to her simple-hearted mother. She sat bolt
upright in her chair, listening with all her might. Catherine Vernon
seemed to retire from the principal place she had hitherto held in the
conversation, and Hester came forward in her stead. She looked at the
old clerk steadily.
"You speak," she said, "of ladies only. Where was my father?" holding
Rule with her eye, so that he could not escape.
"Your father!" he faltered, his very lips quivering with surprise and
consternation.
"I don't know why we should bring up all these old stories to-night,"
said Catherine, suddenly, "nor what led us to introduce the subject. Let
bygones be bygones, Mr. Rule. We old fogeys have our little talks
together, and tell over our old adventures to amuse ourselves for want
of something better; but that is what the young ones never understand."
"Do you wish me to go away, Cousin Catherine?" said Hester with her
usual pale defiance, rising up with the book in her arms.
"Oh no, not I. It does not matter in the least whether you stay or go. I
can remember, Uncle Morgan, when the same sort of thing I am now saying
to Hester you used to say to me: and it does not seem so very long ago
either. Now we are all old together, and not much difference between
us," she said with a little laugh. It still gave her a certain amusement
to think that she was old like these old people, and yet it was true;
for though sixty-five and eighty-five are very different, nobody can
doubt that sixty-five is old. It was still strange, almost ludicrous, to
Catherine, that it should be so.
"I am of all ages," said the old captain, "for I can remember all. I'll
sail my boat with Alick to-morrow, and enjoy it like a small boy (it's a
capital little boat, and will sail, I can tell you, Catherine, if you
took any interest in it), and then I shall walk on the Common with a
young lady, and talk of poetry and love."
"Fie, captain!" said his old wife; "but he does not mean all that
nonsense, Hester."
"If love is nonsense, and poetry, she and I will go to the stake for
them," said the captain. "We'll take a longer walk to-night, my dear, to
prove to that old woman how wrong she is."
"I can't wish you a pleasanter thing, captain--and now I must be going,"
said old Rule, inconsequently.
Catherine, who had been sitting thoughtful since the moment when she
interfered, all unthanked and misunderstood, to save Hester, rose when
the old clerk did, and went out before him, with her rich black silk
gown sweeping and rustling. The presence of the elder people made her
look blooming, and capable, and young. The old couple watched her from
their window, as Rule, gratified and beaming, put her into the carriage.
"She looks young enough to do as much again," said Captain Morgan,
standing in the window with his gum-bottle in his hands, with which he
was working.
"Oh, captain!" said his wife, "but where's the money?" shaking her old
head.
Hester behind peered out between these two aged heads, pale with
interest, and antagonism, and attraction. She could never think of any
one else when Catherine was near, though all her instincts were in arms
against her. The words that passed between the old people were as a
foreign tongue to her. She had not the slightest perception what they
meant.
Meantime Catherine spoke a warning word to her former prime minister,
who had abdicated later than herself.
"You were very near giving that child a heartache," she said. "Take care
not to say anything before her. She need never know that her father
deserted his post. The creature has a quick sense of honour, and it
might wound her."
"She is not like his daughter," said the clerk, "nor that poor lady's
either. She is one of the pure old Vernon stock."
"Do you think so?" said Catherine, indifferently. "I rather dislike her
than otherwise; but I would not do the child any harm." And then the fat
horses put themselves in motion, and she gave a smile and a bow to all
her retainers and worshippers--and the Miss Vernon-Ridgways drew away
from Mrs. John's window, where as usual they had been watching
Catherine, as she, amid all these visible signs of her wealth and
sovereignty, disappeared from their eyes.
"I suppose, Captain Morgan," said Hester that evening, when she walked
out with him as usual, "that Cousin Catherine was young once?"
It seemed an absurd question, but it was put with the utmost gravity;
and Hester knew what she meant, as perhaps the reader will too.
"About your age, my dear," the captain said, promptly, "and not at all
unlike you."
"Like me!"
"You think you are very different now, but there is not much more
difference than that of years. She was the same kind of girl as you
are--masterful--very sure that her own way was the right one--obstinate
as a mule in her mind, but not so difficult to move by the heart."
"Am I all that?" said Hester, wondering; "not in some things, for I am
never sure that I am right--or any one else--except you, perhaps. No, it
is the other way, quite the other way! I am very sure that I am wrong,
and every one else--except you."
"A large rule and a small exception," said the old man; "but it is the
same thing. Catherine was rich and had everything her own way. You
are--in the midst of a poor community where we can have nothing our own
way. And at your age you can't discriminate any more than she could at
hers."
"Then does it come to this, that money is everything?" asked the
disciple with some bitterness, but without, as may be supposed, the
slightest intention of accepting the master's teaching on this point.
Captain Morgan made no reply. What he said was--
"I should like to interest you in Catherine, my dear; all that happened,
you know, before we came here, while we were busy with our own life, my
wife and I; but I have put this and that together since. Catherine was,
as people say, crossed in love, notwithstanding her wealth and all her
qualities. So far as I can make out, the man preferred a woman that
could not hold the candle to her; not so pretty, not so clever,
altogether inferior. That must be rather a blow to a woman!"
"A blow! What sort of a woman would she be that cared for a man who did
not care for her?"
This somewhat inarticulate sentiment Hester delivered with an indignant
blush and flashing eyes.
"That is all very fine, my dear; but you are too clear-headed to be
taken in by it," said the captain. "A woman might not show it, perhaps.
I have no reason to suppose that Catherine showed it. But you must
remember that a woman is not a woman in the abstract, but Catherine or
Hester as the case may be, and liable to everything that humanity is
liable to; and she would be a poor creature indeed if she were incapable
of falling in love generously, as a man is supposed to do."
"I don't know what you mean by generously!"
"Ah, but you do--none better. Something however occurred after, much
worse than his preference of another woman. The man turned out to be an
unworthy man."
Hester had been following every word with breathless interest. She grew
quite pale, her lips dropped apart, her eyes blazed out of the whiteness
of her face upon her old instructor. He went on without taking note of
this change,
"I should think for my part that there cannot be any such blow as that.
Don't you remember we agreed it was the secret of all Hamlet's tragedy?
It is the tragedy of the world, my dear. I told the old woman we were
going to talk of love and poetry. You see I was right."
"But--Catherine?"
Hester was, as became a girl, far too much interested in the individual
case to be able to stray to the abstract, and in fact she had only
assented to her mentor's theory in respect to Hamlet, not having begun
such investigations for herself.
"Ay, Catherine. Well, that is just what happened to her, my dear. The
man first showed that he had no appreciation of herself, which we will
allow must have wounded her; and then after, when that was all over,
proved himself unworthy, dishonourable--in short, what the young men
call a cad."
"Who was he?" asked Hester, in a low and awe-stricken tone.
Then Captain Morgan turned to look at her, apparently with some alarm;
but his fears were quieted by her face. She had evidently no clue to who
it was.
"I never knew the man," he said quickly. "One has no wish to know
anything about him. The interesting person is the woman in such a case.
Here, Hester, you must be the teacher. Tell me, what would that
discovery do to a girl, a daring, masterful spirit like you?"
"Oh, captain, I am not daring or masterful," cried the girl clasping her
hands; "don't you know it is cruel to call me so--I that can do nothing,
that am only like a straw tossing on the water, carried the way I would
not. If I were masterful, I would go away from here. I would do
something for myself."
"All that is no answer to my question," the old captain said.
Hester was used to follow his leading at a touch. There was a kind of
mesmerism in the effect he had upon her.
"I cannot tell," she said in a low and hurried voice. "I don't see: it
would turn all the world wrong. It would---- But," she added, collecting
herself, "she would throw him away from her like a dead thing. He would
be dead. She would think of him no more. Unworthy! One shakes one's self
free--one is done with that!"
"Look again," said the old man, with a half smile, shaking his head.
"I don't wish to look again. Is not that enough? I suppose it would make
her very unhappy. She would struggle, she would try to find excuses. Oh,
Captain Morgan, don't press me so! I suppose everything would turn round
and round. There would seem nothing to stand on, nothing to look up to,
the skies would all whirl and the solid ground. It makes my head swim to
think of it," the girl cried, covering her eyes with her hands.
"That was how it was with Catherine, so far as I know. She had to exert
herself to save the bank, and that saved her."
"Had he anything to do with the bank?" she asked quickly.
"My dear, I tell you I was not here at the time," said the wary old man.
"I had no knowledge of the circumstances. I never wish to know who he
was, lest perhaps I should fail in charity towards him. It is Catherine
I want you to think of. The bank troubles came afterwards, and she had
to get up and put her shoulder to the wheel, which saved her. But do you
think the world ever looked the same after? Hamlet would never have
discovered what traitors those young courtiers were, if his mother had
not turned out a fraud, and his love a delusion--at least that is my
opinion. The wonder is, he did not misdoubt Horatio too. That is what I
should have done if it had been me. But there is the good of genius,
Hester; the Master who knew everything knew better. Catherine had a sort
of honest Horatio in old Rule, and she had that work to do, which was
the best thing for her. But you may be sure the world was all dissolving
views, and nothing solid in it for years to come."
Hester, after the shock of the realisation which had been forced upon
her, as to what the result of such a calamity would be, felt exhausted
and sick at heart, as if all her strength had been worn out.
"Why did you want me to know this?" she said at last. "I see no signs of
it in her. She looks so triumphant, as if nothing had ever happened or
could happen. She sees through everybody and laughs at them, as if all
their lies could never touch her. Oh, she sees very well how they lie,
but is never angry, only laughs; is that the way to make one love her?
And she does not know the false from the true," the girl cried with an
access of indignation. "She considers us all the same."
"No--no--no--no," said the old man, patting her arm, but he did not
press her any further. He had said as much as he wanted to say. They
went further than usual over the Common as he had threatened to his
wife, and as they returned the old captain owned himself fatigued and
took Hester's arm. "You must be my great-grandchild in the spirit," he
said. "We had a little girl once, my wife and I. I have often fancied
her grown up and married and having children in her turn. Oh, I am a
great dreamer and an old fool. You remember Elia's dream children, and
then Tennyson, though he was not old enough to know anything about it,
making the unborn faces shine beside the never-lighted fire. These poets
make fools of us all, Hester. They know everything without any way to
know it. I fancy you are one of little Mary's grandchildren. She must be
as old as Catherine Vernon, though age, we may suppose, doesn't count
where she is."
"You never told me about _her_."
"There was nothing to tell," he said cheerfully. "Her mother cries still
if you speak of little Mary, but not I. It would have been a great thing
for us if we could have kept her, but she would have married I suppose,
and her husband might not have pleased me. I have thought of that. She
would have been taken in probably, and brought us some man I could not
put up with, though the children might have been an addition. I dare say
she would have turned out a soft, innocent creature, taken in all round,
something like your mother, Hester. You are tempted to despise that, you
clever ones, but it is a great mistake."
"Oh, Captain Morgan, mother is taken in, as you say, because she thinks
everybody true--but she is true always."
"_Always!_" said the old man with fervour, "and far happier because she
does not find it out. My wife is the same. It is such souls as these
that keep the world steady. We should all tumble to pieces if the race
was made up of people like Catherine Vernon and you."
"I wish you would not say Catherine Vernon and me!" said Hester
passionately; "there is no likeness, none at all--none at all!"
But the old captain only laughed, and turned her attention to the
sunset, which was lighting up all the western sky. The pines stood up
against it like rigid black shadows, cut out against the golden light
which was belted with flaming lines of crimson. Overhead the sky
ascended in varying tints of daffodil and faint ethereal greenness up to
the deep yet bright summer blue. The last gleams caught the yellow gorse
upon the Common and turned every blossom into gold, and all the peaks of
the Vernonry rose black against the radiance of the west.
"I wonder if the people _up there_ have any hand in it?" said the old
man. "I should like to think so. The old landscape painters, perhaps,
that never had such colours to work with before. But in that case there
would be nothing for me to do," he added with a laugh, "unless it was
some small post about the gunneries. I was always fond of my guns."
To Hester this light suggestion, and the laugh with which it was
accompanied, sounded profane. She shrank from anything which could take
away the awe and mystery from death, just as the old man, who was so
near the threshold, liked to familiarise himself with the thought of
going over it, and still finding himself a recognisable creature there.