_Reminiscences of a K.C._, relates how on one occasion he was opposed by
a somewhat eccentric counsel named Wharton, known in his day as the
"Poet of Pump Court." The case was really a simple one, but Wharton made
so much of it that when the luncheon half-hour came the judge, Mr.
Justice Archibald, with some emphasis, addressing Mr. Wharton, said: "We
will now adjourn, and, Mr. Wharton, I hope you will take the opportunity
of conferring with your friend Mr. Crispe and settling the matter out of
Court."
But Wharton would not agree to this, and when at last he had to address
the jury, he, in the course of his speech, made the following remarks,
for every word of which Mr. Crispe vouches:
"Gentlemen, I think it only courteous to the learned judge to refer to
the advice his lordship gave me to settle the matter out of Court. That
reminds me of a case, tried in a country court, in an action for
detention of a donkey. The plaintiff was a costermonger and the
defendant a costermonger; they conducted the case in person. At one
o'clock the judge said: 'Now, my men, I'm going to have my lunch, and
before I come back I hope you'll settle your dispute out of Court.' When
he returned the plaintiff came in with a black eye and the defendant
with a bleeding nose, and the defendant said: 'Well, your honour, we've
taken your honour's advice; Jim's given me a good hiding, and I've
given him back his donkey.'"
Mr. F. E. Smith, M.P., tells a story of a County Court case he was once
engaged in, in which the plaintiff's son, a lad of eight years, was to
appear as a witness.
When the youngster entered the box he wore boots several sizes too
large, a hat that almost hid his face, long trousers rolled up so that
the baggy knees were at his ankles, and, to complete the picture, a
swallow-tail coat that had to be held to keep it from sweeping the
floor. This ludicrous picture was too much for the Court; but the judge,
between his spasms of laughter, managed to ask the boy his reason for
appearing in such garb.
With wondering look the lad fished in an inner pocket and hauled the
summons from it, pointing out a sentence with solemn mien as he did so:
"To appear in his father's suit" it read.
* * * * *
There have been few readier men in retort than the late Mr. Francis
Oswald, the author of _Oswald on Contempt of Court_. After a stiff
breeze in a Chancery Court, the judge snapped out, "Well, I can't teach
you manners, Mr. Oswald."--"That is so, m'lud, that is so," replied the
imperturbable one. On another occasion, an irascible judge observed, "If
you say another word, Mr. Oswald, I'll commit you."--"That raises
another point--as to your lordship's power to commit counsel engaged in
arguing before you," was the cool answer.
The author of _Pie Powder_ in his entertaining volume, tells us that he
was once dining with a barrister who had just taken silk. In the course
of after-dinner talk, the new K.C. invited his friend to tell him what
he considered was his (the K.C.'s) chief fault in style. After some
considerable hesitation his friend admitted that he thought the K.C.
erred occasionally in being too long. This apparently somewhat annoyed
the K.C., and his friend feeling he had perhaps spoken too freely,
thought he would smooth matters by inviting similar criticism of himself
from the K.C., who at once replied, "My dear boy, I don't think really
you have any fault. _Except, you know, you are so d--d offensive._"
A judge and a facetious lawyer conversing on the subject of the
transmigration of souls, the judge said, "If you and I were turned into
a horse and an ass, which of them would you prefer to be?"--"The ass, to
be sure," replied the lawyer.--"Why?"--"Because," replied the lawyer, "I
have heard of an ass being a judge, but of a horse, never."
* * * * *
[Illustration: SERJEANT TALFOURD.]
In some cases counsel receive answers to questions which they had no
business to put, and these, if not quite to their liking, are what they
justly deserve. The following story of George Clarke, a celebrated
negro minstrel, is a case in point. On one occasion, when being examined
as a witness, he was severely interrogated by a lawyer. "You are in the
minstrel business, I believe?" inquired the lawyer. "Yes, sir," was the
reply. "Is not that rather a low calling?"--"I don't know but what it
is, sir," replied the minstrel; "but it is so much better than my
father's that I am rather proud of it." The lawyer fell into the trap.
"What was your father's calling?" he inquired. "He was a lawyer,"
replied Clarke, in a tone that sent the whole Court into a roar of
laughter as the discomfited lawyer sat down.
At the Durham Assizes an action was tried which turned out to have been
brought by one neighbour against another for a trifling matter. The
plaintiff was a deaf old lady, and after a pause the judge suggested
that the counsel should get his client to compromise it, and to ask her
what she would take to settle it. Very loudly counsel shouted out to his
client: "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" She at once
replied: "I thank his lordship kindly, and if it's no ill convenience to
him, I'll take a little _warm ale_."
A tailor sent his bill to a lawyer, and a message to ask for payment.
The lawyer bid the messenger tell his master that he was not running
away, and was very busy at the time. The messenger returned and said he
must have the money. The lawyer testily answered, "Did you tell your
master that I was not running away?"--"Yes, I did, sir; but he bade me
tell you that _he was_."
A well-known barrister at the criminal Bar, who prided himself upon his
skill in cross-examining a witness, had an odd-looking witness upon whom
to operate. "You say, sir, that the prisoner is a thief?"--"Yes,
sir--'cause why, she confessed it."--"And you also swear she did some
repairs for you subsequent to the confession?"--"I do, sir."--"Then,"
giving a knowing look at the Court, "we are to understand that you
employ dishonest people to work for you, even after their rascalities
are known?"--"Of course! How else could I get assistance from a
lawyer?"--"Stand down!" shouted the man of law.
* * * * *
At Worcester Assizes, a cause was tried as to the soundness of a horse,
and a clergyman had been a witness, who gave a very confused account of
the transaction, and the matters he spoke to. A blustering counsel on
the other side, after many attempts to get at the facts, said: "Pray,
sir, do you know the difference between a horse and a cow?"--"I
acknowledge my ignorance," replied the clergyman. "I hardly know the
difference between a horse and a cow, or between a bully and a bull.
Only a bull, I am told, has horns, and a bully," bowing respectfully to
the counsel, "_luckily for me, has none_."
"In Court one day," says Mr. W. Andrews in _The Lawyer_, "I heard the
following sharp encounter between a witness and an exceedingly irascible
old-fashioned solicitor who, among other things, hated the modern custom
of growing a beard or moustache. He himself grew side-whiskers in the
most approved style of half a century ago. "Speak up, witness," he
shouted, "and don't stand mumbling there. If you would shave off that
unsightly moustache we might be better able to hear what was coming out
of your lips." "And if you, sir," said the witness quietly, "would shave
off those side-whiskers you would enable my words to reach your ears.""
"My friend," said an irritable lawyer, "you are an ass."--"Do you mean,
sir," asked the witness, "that I am your friend because I am an ass, or
an ass because I am your friend?"
* * * * *
Counsel sometimes comes to grief in dealing with experts. "Do you,"
asked one of a scientist, "know of a substance called Sulphonylic
Diazotised Sesqui Oxide of Aldehyde?" and he looked round triumphantly.
"Certainly," came the reply. "It is analogous in diatomic composition of
Para Sulpho Benzine Azode Methyl Aniline in conjunction with
Phehekatoline." Counsel said he would pursue the matter no further.
An action was brought by the owner of a donkey which was forced against
a wall by a waggon and killed. The driver of the donkey was the chief
witness, and was much bullied by Mr. Raine, the defendant's counsel, so
that he lost his head and was reprimanded by the judge for not giving
direct answers, and looking the jury in the face. Mr. Raine had a
powerful cast in his eye, which probably heightened the poor fellow's
confusion; and he continued to deal very severely with the witness,
reminding him again and again of the judge's caution, saying: "Hold up
your head, man: look up, I say. Can't you hold up your head, fellow?
Can't you look as I do?" The witness, with much simplicity, at once
answered, "I can't, you squint." On re-examination, Serjeant Cockle for
the plaintiff, seeing gleams of the witness's recovery from his
confusion, asked him to describe the position of the waggon and the
donkey. After much pressing, at last he said, "Well, my lord judge, I'll
tell you as how it happened." Turning to Cockle, he said, "You'll
suppose ye are the wall."--"Aye, aye, just so, go on. I am the wall,
very good."--"Yes, sir, you are the wall." Then changing his position a
little, he said, "I am the waggon."--"Yes, very good; now proceed, you
are the waggon," said the judge. The witness then looked to the judge,
and hesitating at first, but with a low bow and a look of sudden
despair, said, "And your lordship's the ass!"
Serjeant Cockle, who had a rough, blustering manner, once got from a
witness more than he gave. In a trial of a right of fishery, he asked
the witness: "Dost thou love fish?"--"Aye," replied the witness, with a
grin, "but I donna like cockle sauce with it." The learned serjeant was
not pleased with the roar of laughter which followed the remark.
* * * * *
Mr. H. L. Adam in _The Story of Crime_ says he remembers a very amusing
incident in one of our police courts. A prisoner had engaged a solicitor
to defend him, and while the latter was speaking on his behalf he
suddenly broke in with, "Why, he dunno wot the devil he's talking
abaht!" Thereupon the magistrate informed him that if he was
dissatisfied with his advocate's capabilities, he could, if he chose,
defend himself. This he elected to do, and in the end was acquitted, the
magistrate remarking that had the case been left to counsel he would
unquestionably have been convicted.
In cross-examining a witness, says Judge Parry in _What the Judge Saw_,
who had described the effects of an accident, was confronted by counsel
with his statement, and asked, "But hadn't you told the doctor that
your thigh was numb and had no feeling?"--"What's the good o' telling
him anything," replied the witness. "That's where doctor made a mistake.
I told 'im I was numb i' front, and what does he do but go and stick a
pin into my back-side. 'E's no doctor."
From the same source is the following story. Another man was testifying
to an accident that had occurred to him at the works where he was
employed. It was sought to prove that his testimony was false because he
had a holiday that day, and this poser was put to him: "Do you mean to
tell the Court that you came to work when you might have been enjoying a
holiday?"--"Certainly."--"Why did you do that?" The reply was too
obviously truthful. "What should I do? I have nowhere to go. I'm
teetotal now."
A Jew had been condemned to be hanged, and was brought to the gallows
along with a fellow prisoner; but on the road, before reaching the place
of execution, a reprieve arrived for the Jew. When informed of this, it
was expected that he would instantly leave the cart in which he was
conveyed, but he remained and saw his fellow prisoner hanged. Being
asked why he did not at once go about his business, he said, "He was
waiting to see if he could bargain with Mr. Ketch for the _other
gentleman's clothes_!"
* * * * *
A sign-painter presented his bill to a lawyer for payment. After
examining it the lawyer said, "Do you expect any painter will go to
heaven if they make such charges as these?"--"I never heard of but one
that went," said the painter, "and he behaved so badly that they
determined to turn him out, but there being no lawyer present to draw up
the Writ of Ejectment, he remained."
This must be the lawyer who, being refused entrance to heaven by St.
Peter, contrived to throw his hat inside the door; and then, being
permitted to go and fetch it, took advantage of the Saint being fixed to
his post as doorkeeper and refused to come back again.
A solicitor who was known to occasionally exceed the limit at lunch
betrayed so much unsteadiness that the magistrate quickly observed, "I
think, Mr. ----, you are not quite well, perhaps you had a little too
much wine at lunch."--"Quite a mistake, your worship," hiccoughed Mr.
----. "It was brandy and water."
The son-in-law of a Chancery barrister having succeeded to the lucrative
practice of the latter, came one morning in breathless haste to inform
him that he had succeeded in bringing nearly to its termination a cause
which had been pending in the Court for several years. Instead of
obtaining the expected congratulations of the retired veteran of the
law, his intelligence was received with indignation. "It was by this
suit," exclaimed he, "that my father was enabled to provide for me, and
to portion your wife, and with the exercise of common prudence it would
have furnished you with the means of providing handsomely for your
children and grandchildren."
CHAPTER THREE
THE JUDGES OF IRELAND
"So slow is justice in its ways
Beset by more than customary clogs,
Going to law in these expensive days
Is much the same as going to the dogs."
WILLOCK: _Legal Facetiæ_.
CHAPTER THREE
THE JUDGES OF IRELAND
In the days of Queen Anne corruption was rife among Irish judges, as it
was also among members of the Scottish Bench at an earlier period, and
it was not uncommon to find the former concurring in Privy Council
reports issued contrary to evidence. Within the area of the Munster
Circuit in the early years of the eighteenth century a petition was
signed and presented to Parliament by clergy, resident gentry, and
others in the district, because Lord Chancellor Phipps refused to be
influenced in his decision of cases coming before him, and had thereby
incurred the displeasure of a certain section of the Irish Parliament.
Even a Lord Chief Justice was not above taking a gift; and in this
connection O'Flanagan in _The Munster Circuit_ tells a story of Chief
Justice Pyne, who was a great cattle-breeder and owner of valuable
stock. One day before starting for Cork Assizes to try a case in which a
Mr. Weller and a Mr. Nangle were concerned, he received a visit from the
former's steward, who had been sent with a herd of twenty-five splendid
heifers for his lordship. The judge was highly pleased, and returned by
the steward a gracious message of thanks to his master. On the way to
Cork the Chief Justice's coach was stopped by a drove of valuable
shorthorns on the road. Looking out, his lordship demanded of the
drover, "Whose beasts are these, my man?"--"They belong, please your
honour, to a great gentleman of these parts, Judge Pyne, your honour,"
replied the man. "Indeed," cried the Chief Justice in much surprise,
"and where are you taking them now?"--"They are grazing in my master Mr.
Nangle's farm, your honour; and as the Assizes are coming on at Cork my
master thought the judge might like to see that he took good care of
them, so I'm taking them to Waterpark (his lordship's estate) to show to
the judge." The judge felt the delicacy of Mr. Nangle's mode of giving
his present, and putting a guinea in the drover's hand said, "As your
master has taken such good care of my cattle, I will take care of him."
When the case came on it appeared at first that the judge favoured the
plaintiff, Mr. Weller, but as it proceeded he changed his views and
finally decided for the defendant, Mr. Nangle. On arriving home the
judge's first question was, "Are the cattle all safe?"--"Perfectly, my
lord."--"Where are the beasts I received on leaving for the Cork
Assizes?"--"They are where you left them, my lord."--"Where I left
them--that is impossible," exclaimed the judge. "I left them on the
road." The steward looked puzzled. "I'll have a look at them myself,"
said Chief Justice Pyne. The steward led the way, and pointed out the
twenty-five fine heifers presented by Mr. Weller, the plaintiff. "But
where are the shorthorns that came after I left home?"--"Bedad, the
long and the short of it is, them's all the cattle on the land, except
what we have bred ourselves, my lord." And so it was. Mr. Nangle, the
defendant, had so arranged his gift to meet the judge on the road, but
as soon as his lordship's coach was out of sight the cattle were driven
back to their familiar fields. The Chief Justice had been outwitted and
had no power of showing resentment.
In the manners and customs of the legal profession of Ireland in the
latter part of the eighteenth century, there is also a strong similarity
between the members of the Scottish Bench and their Irish brethren, in
that they were heavy port drinkers; and did not hesitate to indulge in
it while sitting on the Bench. It is reported of one Irish judge that he
had a specially constructed metal tube like a penholder, through which
he sucked his favourite liquor, from what appeared to the audience to be
a metal inkstand. Another judge on being asked if, at a social
gathering, he had seen a learned brother dance, "Yes," he replied, "I
saw him in a _reel_"; while Curran referring to a third judge, who had
condemned a prisoner to death, said, "He did not weep, but he had a drop
in his eye."
* * * * *
Unblushing effrontery and a bronzed visage gained for John Scott (Lord
Clonmel) while at the Bar the sobriquet of "Copper-faced Jack." He took
the popular side in politics, which ordinarily would not have led to
promotion in his profession; but his outstanding ability attracted the
attention of Lord Chancellor Lifford, and through his influence Scott
was offered a place under the Government. On accepting it at the hands
of Lord Townshend, he said, "My lord, you have spoiled a good patriot."
Some time after he met Flood, a co-patriot, and addressed him: "Well, I
suppose you will be abusing me as usual." To which Flood replied: "When
I began to abuse you, you were a briefless barrister; by abuse I made
you counsel to the revenue, by abuse I got you a silk gown, by abuse I
made you Solicitor-General, by abuse I may make you Chief Justice. No,
Scott, I'll praise you."
When Lord Clonmel was Lord Chief Justice he upheld the undignified
practice of demanding a shilling for administering an oath, and used to
be well satisfied, provided the coin was a _good one_. In his time the
Birmingham shilling was current, and he used the following extraordinary
precautions to avoid being imposed upon by taking a bad one. "You shall
true answer make to such questions as shall be demanded of you touching
this affidavit, so help you God! _Is this a good shilling?_ Are the
contents of this affidavit true? Is this your name and handwriting?"
* * * * *
The family of Henn belonging to Clare have been, generation after
generation, since the first of the name became Chief Baron in 1679,
connected with the Irish Bench and Bar. William Henn, a descendant of
the Chief Baron, was made a Judge of the King's Bench in 1767, and when
on Circuit at Wexford in 1789 two young barristers contended before him
with great zeal and pertinacity, each flatly contradicting the other as
to the law of the case; and both at each turn of the argument again and
again referred with exemplary confidence to the learned judge, as so
well knowing that what was said by him (the speaker) was right. The
judge said, "Well, gentlemen, can I settle this matter between you? You,
sir, say positively the law is one way; and you, sir (turning to the
opponent), as unequivocally say it is the other way. I wish to God,
Billy Harris (leaning over and addressing the registrar who sat beneath
him), I knew what the law really was!"--"My lord," replied Billy Harris,
rising, and turning round with great gravity and respect, "if I
possessed that knowledge, I assure your lordship that I would tell your
lordship with great pleasure!"--"Then," exclaimed the judge, "we'll save
the point, Billy Harris!"
Although more appropriate in the following chapter, we may here
introduce a story of the younger son of the Judge Henn of the previous
story. Jonathan, who was more distinguished than his elder
brother--another Judge Henn--did not attain to the Bench. In early
years he was indifferent whether briefs were given him or not, and
indeed on one occasion he is said to have sent a message to the
Attorney-General, who had called to engage him in a case, to keep "his
d--d brief and to take himself to the d--l." But later he became very
industrious, and his natural ability soon brought him into a large and
lucrative practice. He was counsel for the Government at the trial of
John Mitchell, and at its close the wags of the Court declared that
"Judge Moore _spoke_ to the evidence, but Jonathan Henn _charged the
jury_."
* * * * *
[Illustration: HUGH CARLETON, VISCOUNT CARLETON, LORD CHIEF JUSTICE OF
IRELAND.]
Chief Justice Carleton was a most lugubrious judge, and was always
complaining of something or other, but chiefly about the state of his
health, so that Curran remarked that it was strange the old judge was
_plaintive_ in every case tried before him.
One day his lordship came into Court very late, looking very woeful. He
apologised to the Bar for being obliged to adjourn the Court at once and
dismiss the jury for that day. "Though," his lordship added, "I am aware
that an important issue stands for trial. But, the fact is, gentlemen
(addressing the Bar in a low tone of voice and somewhat confidentially),
I have met with a domestic misfortune, which has altogether deranged my
nerves. Poor Lady Carleton has, most unfortunately, miscarried,
and--." "Oh, then, my lord," exclaimed Curran, "I am sure we are all
quite satisfied your lordship has done right in deciding there is no
_issue_ to try to-day." His lordship smiled a ghastly smile, and,
retiring, thanked the Bar for their sympathy.
* * * * *
Judge Foster was trying five prisoners for murder, and misunderstood the
drift of the evidence. Four of the prisoners seem to have assisted, but
a witness said as to the fifth, Denis Halligan, that it was he who gave
the fatal blow: "My lord, I saw Denis Halligan (that's in the dock
there) take a vacancy (Irish word for 'aim' at an unguarded part) at the
poor soul that's kilt, and give him a wipe with a _clehalpin_ (Irish
word for 'bludgeon'), and lay him down as quiet as a child." They were
found guilty. The judge, sentencing the first four, gave them seven
years' imprisonment. But when he came to Halligan, who really killed the
deceased, the judge said, "Denis Halligan, I have purposely reserved the
consideration of your case to the last. Your crime is doubtless of a
grievous nature, yet I cannot avoid taking into consideration the
mitigating circumstances that attend it. By the evidence of the witness
it clearly appears that _you_ were the only one of the party who showed
any mercy to the unfortunate deceased. You took him to a vacant seat,
and wiped him with a clean napkin, and you laid him down with the
gentleness one shows to a little child. In consideration of these
extenuating circumstances, which reflect some credit upon you, I shall
inflict upon you three weeks' imprisonment." So Denis Halligan got off
by the judge mistaking a vacancy for a vacant seat, and a _clehalpin_
for a clean napkin.