From _Tuesday, Dec. 20_, to _Thursday, Dec. 22, 1709_.
----Quæ lucis miseris tam dira cupido?--VIRG., Æn. vi. 721.
_Sheer Lane, Dec. 21._
As soon as I had placed myself in my chair of judicature, I ordered my
clerk Mr. Lillie to read to the assembly (who were gathered together
according to notice) a certain declaration, by way of charge, to open
the purpose of my session, which tended only to this explanation,
that as other courts were often called to demand the execution of
persons dead in law, so this was held to give the last orders relating
to those who were dead in reason. The solicitor of the new Company
of Upholders near the Haymarket appeared in behalf of that useful
society, and brought in an accusation of a young woman, who herself
stood at the bar before me. Mr. Lillie read her indictment, which was
in substance, that whereas Mrs. Rebecca Pindust, of the parish of St.
Martin's-in-the-Fields, had, by the use of one instrument, called a
looking-glass, and by the further use of certain attire, made either of
cambric, muslin, or other linen wares, upon her head, attained to such
an evil art and magical force in the motion of her eyes and turn of her
countenance, that she the said Rebecca had put to death several young
men of the said parish; and that the said young men had acknowledged
in certain papers, commonly called love letters (which were produced
in court, gilded on the edges, and sealed with a particular wax, with
certain amorous and enchanting words wrought upon the said seals), that
they died for the said Rebecca: and whereas the said Rebecca persisted
in the said evil practice; this way of life the said society construed
to be, according to former edicts, a state of death, and demanded an
order for the interment of the said Rebecca.
I looked upon the maid with great humanity, and desired her to make
answer to what was said against her. She said, it was indeed true
that she had practised all the arts and means she could to dispose of
herself happily in marriage, but thought she did not come under the
censure expressed in my writings for the same; and humbly hoped, I
would not condemn her for the ignorance of her accusers, who, according
to their own words, had rather represented her killing than dead. She
further alleged, that the expressions mentioned in the papers written
to her, were become mere words, and that she had been always ready to
marry any of those who said they died for her; but that they made their
escape as soon as they found themselves pitied or believed. She ended
her discourse by desiring I would for the future settle the meaning of
the words, "I die," in letters of love.
Mrs. Pindust behaved herself with such an air of innocence, that she
easily gained credit, and was acquitted. Upon which occasion, I gave
it as a standing rule, that any persons who in any letter, billet, or
discourse, should tell a woman he died for her, should, if she pleased,
be obliged to live with her, or be immediately interred, upon such
their own confession, without bail or mainprize.
It happened, that the very next who was brought before me was one of
her admirers, who was indicted upon that very head. A letter which he
acknowledged to be his own hand was read; in which were the following
words: "Cruel creature, I die for you." It was observable, that he took
snuff all the time his accusation was reading. I asked him, how he came
to use these words, if he were not a dead man? He told me, he was in
love with the lady, and did not know any other way of telling her so;
and that all his acquaintance took the same method. Though I was moved
with compassion towards him by reason of the weakness of his parts,
yet for example's sake, I was forced to answer, "Your sentence shall
be a warning to all the rest of your companions, not to tell lies for
want of wit." Upon this, he began to beat his snuff-box with a very
saucy air; and opening it again, "Faith, Isaac," said he, "thou art
a very unaccountable old fellow--prithee, who gave thee power of life
and death? What a pox hast thou to do with ladies and lovers? I suppose
thou wouldst have a man be in company with his mistress, and say
nothing to her. Dost thou call breaking a jest, telling a lie? Ha! is
that thy wisdom, old Stiffrump, ha?" He was going on with this insipid
commonplace mirth, sometimes opening his box, sometimes shutting it,
then viewing the picture on the lid, and then the workmanship of the
hinge, when, in the midst of his eloquence, I ordered his box to be
taken from him; upon which he was immediately struck speechless, and
carried off stone dead.[347]
The next who appeared, was a hale old fellow of sixty. He was brought
in by his relations, who desired leave to bury him. Upon requiring a
distinct account of the prisoner, a credible witness deposed, that
he always rose at ten of the clock, played with his cat till twelve,
smoked tobacco till one, was at dinner till two, then took another
pipe, played at backgammon till six, talked of one Madam Frances, an
old mistress of his, till eight, repeated the same account at the
tavern till ten, then returned home, took another pipe, and then to
bed. I asked him what he had to say for himself. "As to what," said he,
"they mention concerning Madam Frances--" I did not care for hearing a
Canterbury tale, and therefore thought myself seasonably interrupted by
a young gentleman who appeared in the behalf of the old man, and prayed
an arrest of judgment; for that he the said young man held certain
lands by his the said old man's life. Upon this, the solicitor of the
Upholders took an occasion to demand him also, and thereupon produced
several evidences that witnessed to his life and conversation. It
appeared, that each of them divided their hours in matters of equal
moment and importance to themselves and to the public. They rose at
the same hour: while the old man was playing with his cat, the young
one was looking out of his window; while the old man was smoking his
pipe, the young man was rubbing his teeth; while one was at dinner,
the other was dressing; while one was at backgammon, the other was at
dinner; while the old fellow was talking of Madam Frances, the young
one was either at play, or toasting women whom he never conversed with.
The only difference was, that the young man had never been good for
anything; the old man, a man of worth before he knew Madam Frances.
Upon the whole, I ordered them to be both interred together, with
inscriptions proper to their characters, signifying, that the old man
died in the year 1689, and was buried in the year 1709. And over the
young one it was said, that he departed this world in the twenty-fifth
year of his death.
The next class of criminals were authors in prose and verse. Those of
them who had produced any still-born work, were immediately dismissed
to their burial, and were followed by others, who, notwithstanding
some sprightly issue in their lifetime, had given proofs of their
death by some posthumous children, that bore no resemblance to their
elder brethren. As for those who were the fathers of a mixed progeny,
provided always they could prove the last to be a live child, they
escaped with life, but not without loss of limbs; for in this case, I
was satisfied with amputation of the parts which were mortified.
These were followed by a great crowd of superannuated benchers of the
Inns of Court, senior Fellows of colleges, and defunct statesmen;
all whom I ordered to be decimated indifferently, allowing the rest
a reprieve for one year, with a promise of a free pardon in case of
resuscitation.
There were still great multitudes to be examined; but finding it very
late, I adjourned the court; not without the secret pleasure that I had
done my duty, and furnished out a handsome execution.
Going out of the court, I received a letter, informing me, that in
pursuance of the edict of justice in one of my late visions, all those
of the fair sex began to appear pregnant who had run any hazard of it;
as was manifest by a particular swelling in the petticoats of several
ladies in and about this great city. I must confess, I do not attribute
the rising of this part of the dress to this occasion, yet must own,
that I am very much disposed to be offended with such a new and
unaccountable fashion. I shall, however, pronounce nothing upon it till
I have examined all that can be said for and against it. And in the
meantime, think fit to give this notice to the fair ladies who are now
making up their winter suits, that they may abstain from all dresses of
that kind till they shall find what judgment will be passed upon them;
for it would very much trouble me, that they should put themselves to
an unnecessary expense; and could not but think myself to blame, if I
should hereafter forbid them the wearing of such garments, when they
have laid out money upon them, without having given them any previous
admonition.[348]
_N.B._--A letter of the 16th instant about one of the 5th will be
answered according to the desire of the party, which he will see in few
days.