From _Saturday, Dec. 3_, to _Tuesday, Dec. 6, 1709_.
----Hæ nugæ seria ducent
In mala derisum semel exceptumque sinistre.
HOR., Ars Poet., 45.
_From my own Apartment, Dec. 5._
There is nothing gives a man greater satisfaction than the sense of
having despatched a great deal of business, especially when it turns
to the public emolument. I have much pleasure of this kind upon my
spirits at present, occasioned by the fatigue of affairs which I went
through last Saturday. It is some time since I set apart that day
for examining the pretensions of several who had applied to me for
canes, perspective-glasses, snuff-boxes, orange-flower waters, and the
like ornaments of life. In order to adjust this matter, I had before
directed Charles Lillie of Beauford Buildings to prepare a great bundle
of blank licences in the following words:
"You are hereby required to permit the bearer of this cane to pass
and repass through the streets and suburbs of London, or any place
within ten miles of it, without let or molestation; provided that
he does not walk with it under his arm, brandish it in the air, or
hang it on a button: in which case it shall be forfeited; and I
hereby declare it forfeited to any one who shall think it safe to
take it from him.
"ISAAC BICKERSTAFF."
#/
The same form, differing only in the provisos, will serve for a
perspective, snuff-box, or perfumed handkerchief. I had placed myself
in my elbow-chair at the upper end of my great parlour, having
ordered Charles Lillie to take his place upon a joint-stool with a
writing-desk before him. John Morphew[325] also took his station at the
door; I having, for his good and faithful services, appointed him my
chamber-keeper upon court-days. He let me know, that there were a great
number attending without. Upon which, I ordered him to give notice,
that I did not intend to sit upon snuff-boxes that day; but that those
who appeared for canes might enter. The first presented me with the
following petition, which I ordered Mr. Lillie to read:
"To ISAAC BICKERSTAFF, Esq., Censor of Great Britain.
"_The humble Petition of Simon Trippit_:
"Sheweth--That your petitioner having been bred up to a cane from
his youth, it is now become as necessary to him as any other of
his limbs.
"That a great part of his behaviour depending upon it, he should
be reduced to the utmost necessities if he should lose the use of
it.
"That the knocking of it upon his shoe, leaning one leg upon it,
or whistling with it on his mouth, are such great reliefs to him
in conversation, that he does not know how to be good company
without it.
"That he is at present engaged in an amour, and must despair of
success, if it be taken from him.
"Your petitioner therefore hopes, that (the premises tenderly
considered) your Worship will not deprive him of so useful and so
necessary a support.
"And your petitioner shall ever, &c."
Upon the hearing of his case, I was touched with some compassion, and
the more so when upon observing him nearer I found he was a prig. I
bade him produce his cane in court, which he had left at the door.
He did so, and I finding it to be very curiously clouded, with a
transparent amber head, and a blue ribbon to hang upon his wrist,[326]
I immediately ordered my clerk Lillie to lay it up, and deliver out to
him a plain joint headed with walnut; and then, in order to wean him
from it by degrees, permitted him to wear it three days in a week, and
to abate proportionably till he found himself able to go alone.
The second who appeared, came limping into the court: and setting forth
in his petition many pretences for the use of a cane, I caused them
to be examined one by one; but finding him in different stories, and
confronting him with several witnesses who had seen him walk upright,
I ordered Mr. Lillie to take in his cane, and rejected his petition as
frivolous.
A third made his entry with great difficulty, leaning upon a slight
stick, and in danger of falling every step he took. I saw the weakness
of his hams; and hearing that he had married a young wife about a
fortnight before, I bade him leave his cane, and gave him a new pair
of crutches, with which he went off in great vigour and alacrity.
This gentleman was succeeded by another, who seemed very much pleased
while his petition was reading, in which he had represented, that
he was extremely afflicted with the gout, and set his foot upon the
ground with the caution and dignity which accompany that distemper. I
suspected him for an impostor, and having ordered him to be searched, I
committed him into the hands of Dr. Thomas Smith,[327] in King Street
(my own corn-cutter), who attended in an outward room, and wrought
so speedy a cure upon him, that I thought fit to send him also away
without his cane.
While I was thus dispensing justice, I heard a noise in my outward
room; and inquiring what was the occasion of it, my door-keeper told
me, that they had taken up one in the very fact as he was passing by
my door. They immediately brought in a lively fresh-coloured young
man, who made great resistance with hand and foot, but did not offer
to make use of his cane, which hung upon his fifth button. Upon
examination, I found him to be an Oxford scholar, who was just entered
at the Temple. He at first disputed the jurisdiction of the court; but
being driven out of his little law and logic, he told me very pertly,
that he looked upon such a perpendicular creature as man to make a
very imperfect figure without a cane in his hand. "It is well known,"
says he, "we ought, according to the natural situation of our bodies,
to walk upon our hands and feet; and that the wisdom of the ancients
had described man to be an animal of four legs in the morning, two at
noon, and three at night; by which they intimated, that a cane might
very properly become part of us in some period of life." Upon which I
asked him, whether he wore it at his breast to have it in readiness
when that period should arrive? My young lawyer immediately told me, he
had a property in it, and a right to hang it where he pleased, and to
make use of it as he thought fit, provided that he did not break the
peace with it: and further said, that he never took it off his button,
unless it were to lift it up at a coachman, hold it over the head of a
drawer, point out the circumstances of a story, or for other services
of the like nature, that are all within the laws of the land. I did not
care for discouraging a young man who, I saw, would come to good; and
because his heart was set upon his new purchase, I only ordered him to
wear it about his neck, instead of hanging it upon his button, and so
dismissed him. There were several appeared in court whose pretensions
I found to be very good, and therefore gave them their licences upon
paying their fees; as many others had their licences renewed who
required more time for recovery of their lameness than I had before
allowed them.
Having despatched this set of my petitioners, there came in a
well-dressed man, with a glass tube in one hand, and his petition in
the other. Upon his entering the room, he threw back the right side
of his wig, put forward his right leg, and advancing the glass to
his right eye, aimed it directly at me. In the meanwhile, to make my
observations also, I put on my spectacles; in which posture we surveyed
each other for some time. Upon the removal of our glasses, I desired
him to read his petition, which he did very promptly and easily; though
at the same time it set forth, that he could see nothing distinctly,
and was within very few degrees of being utterly blind; concluding
with a prayer, that he might be permitted to strengthen and extend his
sight by a glass. In answer to this I told him, he might sometimes
extend it to his own destruction. "As you are now," said I, "you are
out of the reach of beauty; the shafts of the finest eyes lose their
force before they can come at you; you can't distinguish a toast from
an orange-wench; you can see a whole circle of beauty without any
interruption from an impertinent face to discompose you. In short,
what are snares for others--" My petitioner would hear no more, but
told me very seriously, "Mr. Bickerstaff, you quite mistake your man;
it is the joy, the pleasure, the employment of my life, to frequent
public assemblies, and gaze upon the fair." In a word, I found his
use of a glass was occasioned by no other infirmity but his vanity,
and was not so much designed to make him see, as to make him be seen
and distinguished by others. I therefore refused him a licence for a
perspective, but allowed him a pair of spectacles, with full permission
to use them in any public assembly as he should think fit. He was
followed by so very few of this order of men, that I have reason to
hope this sort of cheats are almost at an end.
The orange-flower men appeared next with petitions, perfumed so
strongly with musk, that I was almost overcome with the scent; and
for my own sake was obliged forthwith to license their handkerchiefs,
especially when I found they had sweetened them at Charles Lillie's,
and that some of their persons would not be altogether inoffensive
without them. John Morphew, whom I have made the general of my dead
men, acquainted me, that the petitioners were all of that order, and
could produce certificates to prove it if I required it. I was so well
pleased with this way of their embalming themselves, that I commanded
the above-said Morphew to give it in orders to his whole army, that
every one who did not surrender himself up to be disposed of by the
Upholders should use the same method to keep himself sweet during his
present state of putrefaction.
I finished my session with great content of mind, reflecting upon
the good I had done; for however slightly men may regard these
particularities and little follies in dress and behaviour, they lead
to greater evils. The bearing to be laughed at for such singularities,
teach us insensibly an impertinent fortitude, and enable us to bear
public censure for things which more substantially deserve it. By
this means they open a gate to folly, and oftentimes render a man so
ridiculous as to discredit his virtues and capacities, and unqualify
them from doing any good in the world. Besides, the giving into
uncommon habits of this nature is a want of that humble deference which
is due to mankind, and (what is worst of all) the certain indication of
some secret flaw in the mind of the person that commits them. When I
was a young man, I remember a gentleman of great integrity and worth
was very remarkable for wearing a broad belt, and a hanger instead of
a fashionable sword, though in all other points a very well-bred man.
I suspected him at first sight to have something wrong in him, but was
not able for a long while to discover any collateral proofs of it. I
watched him narrowly for six-and-thirty years, when at last, to the
surprise of everybody but myself, who had long expected to see the
folly break out, he married his own cook-maid.