From _Thursday, Nov. 17_, to _Saturday, Nov. 19, 1709_.
Is demum mihi vivere atque frui animâ videtur, qui aliquo
negotio intentus, præclari facinoris, aut artis bonæ famam
quærit.--SALLUST, Bel. Cat. 2.
_From my own Apartment, Nov. 17._
It has cost me very much care and thought to marshal and fix the people
under their proper denominations, and to range them according to their
respective characters. These my endeavours have been received with
unexpected success in one kind, but neglected in another; for though
I have many readers, I have but few converts. This must certainly
proceed from a false opinion, that what I write is designed rather
to amuse and entertain than convince and instruct. I entered upon my
essays with a declaration, that I should consider mankind in quite
another manner than they had hitherto been represented to the ordinary
world; and asserted, that none but a useful life should be with me
any life at all. But lest this doctrine should have made this small
progress towards the conviction of mankind because it may appear to
the unlearned light and whimsical, I must take leave to unfold the
wisdom and antiquity of my first proposition in these my essays, to
wit, that every worthless man is a dead man. This notion is as old as
Pythagoras, in whose school it was a point of discipline, that if among
the #akoustikoi#, or probationers, there were any who grew weary
of studying to be useful, and returned to an idle life, the rest were
to regard them as dead; and upon their departing, to perform their
obsequies, and raise them tombs, with inscriptions, to warn others of
the like mortality, and quicken them to resolutions of refining their
souls above that wretched state. It is upon a like supposition that
young ladies at this very time in Roman Catholic countries are received
into some nunneries with their coffins, and with the pomp of a formal
funeral, to signify, that henceforth they are to be of no further use,
and consequently dead. Nor was Pythagoras himself the first author
of this symbol, with whom, and with the Hebrews, it was generally
received. Much more might be offered in illustration of this doctrine
from sacred authority, which I recommend to my reader's own reflection;
who will easily recollect, from places which I do not think fit to
quote here, the forcible manner of applying the words dead and living
to men as they are good or bad.
I have therefore composed the following scheme of existence for the
benefit both of the living and the dead, though chiefly for the
latter, whom I must desire to read it with all possible attention.
In the number of the dead, I comprehend all persons of what title or
dignity soever, who bestow most of their time in eating and drinking,
to support that imaginary existence of theirs, which they call life;
or in dressing and adorning those shadows and apparitions which are
looked upon by the vulgar as real men and women. In short, whoever
resides in the world without having any business in it, and passes
away an age without ever thinking on the errand for which he was sent
hither, is to me a dead man to all intents and purposes; and I desire
that he may be so reputed. The living are only those that are some way
or other laudably employed in the improvement of their own minds,
or for the advantage of others; and even among these, I shall only
reckon into their lives that part of their time which has been spent
in the manner above mentioned. By these means, I am afraid, we shall
find the longest lives not to consist of many months, and the greatest
part of the earth to be quite unpeopled. According to this system we
may observe, that some men are born at twenty years of age, some at
thirty, some at threescore, and some not above an hour before they die;
nay, we may observe multitudes that die without ever being born, as
well as many dead persons that fill up the bulk of mankind, and make
a better figure in the eyes of the ignorant than those who are alive
and in their proper and full state of health. However, since there may
be many good subjects, that pay their taxes, and live peaceably in
their habitations, who are not yet born, or have departed this life
several years since, my design is to encourage both to join themselves
as soon as possible to the number of the living: for as I invite the
former to break forth into being, and become good for something; so I
allow the latter a state of resuscitation; which I chiefly mention for
the sake of a person who has lately published an advertisement, with
several scurrilous terms in it, that do by no means become a dead man
to give. It is my departed friend John Partridge, who concludes the
advertisement of his next year's almanac[291] with the following note:
"Whereas it has been industriously given out by Bickerstaff, Esq.,
and others, to prevent the sale of this year's almanac, that John
Partridge is dead: this may inform all his loving countrymen, that
he is still living, in health, and they are knaves that reported
it otherwise.
"J. P."
_From my own Apartment, Nov. 18._
When an engineer finds his guns have not had their intended effect, he
changes his batteries. I am forced at present to take this method; and
instead of continuing to write against the singularity some are guilty
of in their habit and behaviour, I shall henceforward desire them to
persevere in it; and not only so, but shall take it as a favour of all
the coxcombs in the town, if they will set marks upon themselves, and
by some particular in their dress, show to what class they belong.
It would be very obliging in all such persons, who feel in themselves
that they are not sound of understanding, to give the world notice of
it, and spare mankind the pains of finding them out. A cane upon the
fifth button[292] shall from henceforth be the type of a Dapper;[293]
red-heeled shoes, and a hat hung upon one side of the head, shall
signify a Smart;[294] a good periwig made into a twist, with a brisk
cock, shall speak a mettled fellow; and an upper lip covered with
snuff, denotes a coffee-house statesman. But as it is required that
all coxcombs hang out their signs, it is on the other hand expected,
that men of real merit should avoid anything particular in their dress,
gait, or behaviour. For, as we old men delight in proverbs, I cannot
forbear bringing out one on this occasion, that "good wine needs no
bush."[295] I must not leave this subject without reflecting on several
persons I have lately met with, who at a distance seem very terrible;
but upon a stricter inquiry into their looks and features, appeared
as meek and harmless as any of my own neighbours. These are country
gentlemen, who of late years have taken up a humour of coming to town
in red coats, whom an arch wag of my acquaintance used to describe very
well, by calling them sheep in wolves' clothing. I have often wondered,
that honest gentlemen, who are good neighbours, and live quietly in
their own possessions, should take it in their heads to frighten the
town after this unreasonable manner. I shall think myself obliged, if
they persist in so unnatural a dress (notwithstanding any posts they
may have in the militia), to give away their red coats to any of the
soldiery who shall think fit to strip them, provided the said soldiers
can make it appear, that they belong to a regiment where there is a
deficiency in the clothing.
About two days ago I was walking in the Park, and accidentally met a
rural squire, clothed in all the types above mentioned, with a carriage
and behaviour made entirely out of his own head. He was of a bulk and
stature larger than ordinary, had a red coat, flung open to show a
gay calamanco[296] waistcoat: his periwig fell in a very considerable
bush upon each shoulder: his arms naturally swung at an unreasonable
distance from his sides; which, with the advantage of a cane, that he
brandished in a great variety of irregular motions, made it unsafe for
any one to walk within several yards of him. In this manner he took up
the whole Mall, his spectators moving on each side of it, whilst he
cocked up his hat, and marched directly for Westminster. I cannot tell
who this gentleman is, but for my comfort may say, with the lover in
Terence, who lost sight of a fine young lady, "Wherever thou art, thou
canst not be long concealed."
_St. James's Coffee-house, Nov. 18._
By letters from Paris of the 16th we are informed, that the French
King, the princes of the blood, and the Elector of Bavaria had lately
killed fifty-five pheasants.
Whereas several have industriously spread abroad, that I am in
partnership with Charles Lillie, the perfumer at the corner of
Beauford Buildings; I must say with my friend Partridge, that they
are knaves who reported it. However, since the said Charles has
promised that all his customers shall be mine, I must desire all
mine to be his; and dare answer for him, that if you ask in my
name for snuff, Hungary or orange-water, you shall have the best
the town affords at the cheapest rate.