From _Thursday, Oct. 6_, to _Saturday, Oct. 8, 1709_.
_From my own Apartment, October 7._
As your painters, who deal in history-pieces, often entertain
themselves upon broken sketches, and smaller flourishes of the pencil;
so I find some relief in striking out miscellaneous hints, and sudden
starts of fancy, without any order or connection, after having spent
myself on more regular and elaborate dissertations. I am at present
in this easy state of mind, sat down to my scrutoire; where, for
the better disposition of my correspondence, I have writ upon every
drawer the proper title of its contents, as hypocrisy, dice, patches,
politics, love, duels, and so forth. My various advices are ranged
under such several heads, saving only that I have a particular box
for Pacolet, and another for Monoculus.[212] I cannot but observe,
that my duel-box, which is filled by the lettered men of honour, is
so very ill-spelt, that it is hard to decipher their writings. My
love-box, though on a quite contrary subject, filled with the works
of the fairest hands in Great Britain, is almost as unintelligible.
The private drawer, which is sacred to politics, has in it some of the
most refined panegyrics and satires that any age has produced. I have
now before me several recommendations for places at my table of fame:
three of them are of an extraordinary nature, in which I find I am
misunderstood, and shall therefore beg leave to produce them. They are
from a Quaker, a courtier, and a citizen.
"ISAAC,
"Thy lucubrations, as thou lovest to call them, have been perused
by several of our friends, who have taken offence: forasmuch
as thou excludest out of the brotherhood all persons who are
praiseworthy for religion, we are afraid that thou wilt fill thy
table with none but heathens, and cannot hope to spy a brother
there; for there are none of us who can be placed among murdering
heroes, or ungodly wits; since we do not assail our enemies with
the arm of flesh, nor our gainsayers with the vanity of human
wisdom. If therefore thou wilt demean thyself on this occasion
with a right judgment, according to the gifts that are in thee, we
desire thou wilt place James Nayler[213] at the upper end of thy
table.
"EZEKIEL STIFFRUMP."
In answer to my good friend Ezekiel, I must stand to it, that I cannot
break my rule for the sake of James Nayler; not knowing, whether
Alexander the Great, who is a choleric hero, won't resent his sitting
at the upper end of the table with his hat on.
But to my courtier:
"SIR,
"I am surprised, that you lose your time in complimenting the
dead, when you may make your court to the living. Let me only tell
you in the ear, Alexander and Cæsar (as generous as they were
formerly) have not now a groat to dispose of. Fill your table with
good company: I know a person of quality that shall give you £100
for a place at it. Be secret, and be rich.
"Yours,
You know my hand."
This gentleman seems to have the true spirit, without the formality of
an under courtier; therefore I shall be plain with him, and let him
leave the name of his courtier, and £100 in Morphew's hands: if I can
take it, I will.
My citizen writes the following:
"Mr. ISAAC BICKERSTAFF,
"SIR,
"Your _Tatler_ of September 13,[214] am now reading, and in your
list of famous men, desire you not forget Alderman Whittington,
who began the world with a cat, and died worth three hundred
and fifty thousand pounds sterling, which he left to an only
daughter, three years after his Mayoralty. If you want any further
particulars of ditto Alderman, daughter, or cat, let me know, and
per first will advise the needful. Which concludes,
"Your loving Friend,
LEMUEL LEDGER."
I shall have all due regard to this gentleman's recommendation; but
cannot forbear observing, how wonderfully this sort of style is adapted
for the despatch of business, by leaving out insignificant particles:
besides that, the dropping of the first person is an artful way to
disengage a man from the guilt of rash words or promises. But I am to
consider, that a citizen's reputation is credit, not fame; and am to
leave these lofty subjects for a matter of private concern in the next
letter before me.
"SIR,
"I am just recovered out of a languishing sickness by the care
of Hippocrates,[215] who visited me throughout my whole illness,
and was so far from taking any fee, that he inquired into my
circumstances, and would have relieved me also that way, but I did
not want it. I know no method of thanking him, but recommending it
to you to celebrate so great humanity in the manner you think fit,
and to do it with the spirit and sentiments of a man just relieved
from grief, misery, and pain; to joy, satisfaction, and ease: in
which you will represent the grateful sense of
"Your obedient Servant,
T. B."
I think the writer of this letter has put the matter in as good a
dress as I can for him; yet I cannot but add my applause to what
this distressed man has said. There is not a more useful man in a
commonwealth than a good physician; and by consequence no worthier a
person than he that uses his skill with generosity, even to persons
of condition, and compassion to those who are in want: which is the
behaviour of Hippocrates, who shows as much liberality in his practice,
as he does wit in his conversation and skill in his profession. A
wealthy doctor, who can help a poor man, and will not without a fee,
has less sense of humanity than a poor ruffian, who kills a rich man to
supply his necessities. It is something monstrous to consider a man of
a liberal education tearing out the bowels of a poor family, by taking
for a visit what would keep them a week. Hippocrates needs not the
comparison of such extortion to set off his generosity; but I mention
his generosity to add shame to such extortion.
* * * * *
This is to give notice to all ingenious gentlemen in and about the
cities of London and Westminster, who have a mind to be instructed in
the noble sciences of music, poetry, and politics, that they repair
to the Smyrna Coffee-house[216] in Pall Mall, betwixt the hours of
eight and ten at night, where they may be instructed gratis, with
elaborate essays by word of mouth on all or any of the above-mentioned
arts. The disciples are to prepare their bodies with three dishes of
Bohea, and purge their brains with two pinches of snuff. If any young
student gives indication of parts, by listening attentively, or asking
a pertinent question, one of the professors shall distinguish him, by
taking snuff out of his box in the presence of the whole audience.
* * * * *
_N.B._--The seat of learning is now removed from the corner of the
chimney on the left-hand towards the window, to the round table in the
middle of the floor over against the fire; a revolution much lamented
by the porters and chairmen, who were much edified through a pane of
glass that remained broken all the last summer.
* * * * *
I cannot forbear advertising my correspondents, that I think myself
treated by some of them after too familiar a manner, and in phrases
that neither become them to give, or me to take. I shall therefore
desire for the future, that if any one returns me an answer to a
letter, he will not tell me he has received the favour of my letter;
but if he does not think fit to say, he has received the honour of it,
that he tell me in plain English, he has received my letter of such a
date. I must likewise insist, that he would conclude with, "I am with
great respect," or plainly, "I am," without further addition; and not
insult me, by an assurance of his being with "great truth" and "esteem"
my humble servant. There is likewise another mark of superiority which
I cannot bear, and therefore must inform my correspondents, that I
discard all "faithful" humble servants, and am resolved to read no
letters that are not subscribed, "Your most obedient," or "most humble
Servant," or both. These may appear niceties to vulgar minds, but they
are such as men of honour and distinction must have regard to. And I
very well remember a famous duel in France, where four were killed
of one side, and three of the other, occasioned by a gentleman's
subscribing himself a "most affectionate Friend."
_One in the Morning, of the 8th of Oct. 1709._
I was this night looking on the moon, and find by certain signs in
that luminary, that a certain person under her dominion, who has been
for many years distempered, will within few hours publish a pamphlet,
wherein he will pretend to give my lucubrations to a wrong person;[217]
and I require all sober-disposed persons to avoid meeting the said
lunatic, or giving him any credence any further than pity demands; and
to lock up the said person wherever they find him, keeping him from
pen, ink, and paper. And I hereby prohibit any person to take upon
him my writings, on pain of being sent by me into Lethe with the said
lunatic and all his works.