"SIR,
"Did I not very well know your hand, as well by the spelling as
the character, I should not have believed yours of to-day had come
from you. But when all men are acquainted, that I have had all
my intelligence from you relating to your fraternity, let them
pronounce who is the more impudent.[179] I confess I have had a
peculiar tenderness for you, by reason of that luxuriant eloquence
of which you are master, and have treated you accordingly; for
which you have turned your florid violence against your ancient
friend and schoolfellow. You know in your own conscience, you gave
me leave to touch upon your vein of speaking, provided I hid your
other talents; in which I believed you sincere, because, like the
ancient Sinon,[180] you have before now suffered yourself to be
defaced to carry on a plot. Besides, sir, 'Rot me,' language for a
person of your present station. Fie, fie, I am really ashamed for
you, and I shall no more depend upon your intelligence. Keep your
temper, wash your face, and go to bed.
"ISAAC BICKERSTAFF."
For aught I know, this fellow may have confused the description of the
pack, on purpose to ensnare the game, while I have all along believed
he was destroying them as well as myself. But because they pretend to
bark more than ordinary, I shall let them see, that I will not throw
away the whip, until they know better how to behave themselves. But I
must not at the same time omit the praises of their economy expressed
in the following advice:
"Mr. BICKERSTAFF,[181]
_Sept. 17._
"Though your thoughts are at present employed upon the tables
of fame, and marshalling your illustrious dead, it is hoped the
living may not be neglected, nor defrauded of their just honours:
and since you have begun to publish to the world the great
sagacity and vigilance of the knights of the industry, it will be
expected you should proceed to do justice to all the societies
of them you can be informed of, especially since their own great
industry covers their actions as much as possible from that public
notice which is their due.
"_Paullum sepultæ distat inertiæ
Celata virtus._[182]
Hidden vice, and concealed virtue, are much alike.
"Be pleased therefore to let the following memoirs have a place in
their history.
"In a certain part of the town, famous for the freshest oysters
and the plainest English, there is a house, or rather a college,
sacred to hospitality, and the industrious arts. At the entrance
is hieroglyphically drawn, a cavalier contending with a monster,
with jaws expanded, just ready to devour him.[183]
"Hither the brethren of the industry resort; but to avoid
ostentation, they wear no habits of distinction, and perform
their exercises with as little noise and show as possible. Here
are no undergraduates, but each is a master of his art. They are
distributed according to their various talents, and detached
abroad in parties, to divide the labours of the day. They have
dogs as well nosed and as fleet as any, and no sportsmen show
greater activity. Some beat for the game, some hunt it, others
come in at the death; and my honest landlord makes very good
venison sauce, and eats his share of the dinner.
"I would fain pursue my metaphors; but a venerable person who
stands by me, and waits to bring you this letter, and whom, by a
certain benevolence in his look, I suspect to be Pacolet, reproves
me, and obliges me to write in plainer terms; that the society had
fixed their eyes on a gay young gentleman who has lately succeeded
to a title and an estate; the latter of which they judged would
be very convenient for them. Therefore, after several attempts to
get into his acquaintance, my landlord finds an opportunity to
make his court to a friend of the young spark's, in the following
manner:
"'Sir, as I take you to be a lover of ingenuity and plain-dealing,
I shall speak very freely to you. In few words then, you are
acquainted with Sir Liberal Brisk. Providence has for our
emolument sent him a fair estate, for men are not born for
themselves. Therefore, if you'll bring him to my house, we will
take care of him, and you shall have half the profits. There's
Ace and Cutter will do his business to a hair. You'll tell me,
perhaps, he's your friend: I grant it, and it is for that I
propose it, to prevent his falling into ill hands.
"'_We'll carve him like a dish fit for the gods,
Not hew him like a carcass fit for hounds._[184]
"'In short, there are to my certain knowledge a hundred mouths
open for him. Now if we can secure him to ourselves, we shall
disappoint all those rascals that don't deserve him. Nay, you
need not start at it, sir, it is for your own advantage. Besides,
Partridge has cast me his nativity, and I find by certain destiny,
his oaks must be felled.'
"The gentleman to whom this honest proposal was made, made little
answer; but said he would consider of it, and immediately took
coach to find out the young baronet, and told him all that had
passed, together with the new salvo to satisfy a man's conscience
in sacrificing his friend. Sir Brisk was fired, swore a dozen
oaths, drew his sword, put it up again, called for his man, beat
him, and bade him fetch a coach. His friend asked him, what he
designed, and whither he was going? He answered, to find out the
villains and fight them. To which his friend agreed, and promised
to be his second, on condition he would first divide his estate to
them, and reserve only a proportion to himself, that so he might
have the justice of fighting his equals. His next resolution was
to play with them, and let them see he was not the bubble they
took him for. But he soon quitted that, and resolved at last to
tell Bickerstaff of them, and get them enrolled in the order of
the industry, with this caution to all young landed knights and
squires, that whenever they are drawn to play, they would consider
it as calling them down to a sentence already pronounced upon
them, and think of the sound of those words, 'His oaks must be
felled.'[185] I am,
"Sir,
Your faithful, humble Servant,
WILL. TRUSTY."
_From my own Apartment, Sept. 26._
It is wonderful to consider to what a pitch of confidence this world
is arrived: do people believe I am made up of patience? I have long
told them, that I will suffer no enormity to pass, without I have an
understanding with the offenders by way of hush-money; and yet the
candidates at Queenhithe send all the town coals but me. All the public
papers have had this advertisement:
_London, Sept. 22, 1709._
_To the Electors of an Alderman for the Ward of Queenhithe._[186]
"Whereas an evil and pernicious custom has of late very much
prevailed at the election of aldermen for this city, by treating
at taverns and alehouses, thereby engaging many unwarily to give
their votes: which practice appearing to Sir Arthur de Bradly
to be of dangerous consequence to the freedom of elections,
he hath avoided the excess thereof. Nevertheless, to make an
acknowledgment to this ward for their intended favour, he hath
deposited in the hands of Mr.----, one of the present Common
Council, four hundred and fifty pounds, to be disposed of as
follows, provided the said Sir Arthur de Bradly be the alderman,
viz.
"All such that shall poll for Sir Arthur de Bradly, shall have one
chaldron of good coals gratis.
"And half a chaldron to every one that shall not poll against him.
"And the remainder to be laid out in a clock, dial, or otherwise,
as the Common Council-men of the said ward shall think fit.
"And if any person shall refuse to take the said coals to himself,
he may assign the same to any poor electors in the ward.
"I do acknowledge to have received the said four hundred and fifty
pounds, for the purposes above mentioned, for which I have given a
receipt.
Witness, J----s H----t,
J----y G----h, J----n M----y.[187]
E----d D----s.
"_N.B._--Whereas several persons have already engaged to poll
for Sir Humphry Greenhat, it is hereby further declared, that
every such person as doth poll for Sir Humphry Greenhat, and doth
also poll for Sir Arthur de Bradly, shall each of them receive a
chaldron of coals gratis, on the proviso above mentioned."
This is certainly the most plain dealing that ever was used, except
that the just quantity which an elector may drink without excess,
and the difference between an acknowledgment and a bribe, wants
explanation. Another difficulty with me is, how a man who is bargained
with for a chaldron of coals for his vote, shall be said to have
that chaldron gratis? If my kinsman Greenhat had given me the least
intimation of his design, I should have prevented his publishing
nonsense; nor should any knight in England have put my relation at the
bottom of the leaf as a postscript, when after all it appears Greenhat
has been the more popular man. There is here such open contradiction,
and clumsy art to palliate the matter, and prove to the people, that
the freedom of election is safer when laid out in coals, than strong
drink, that I can turn this only to a religious use, and admire the
dispensation of things; for if these fellows were as wise as they
are rich, where would soon be our liberty? This reminds me of a
memorable speech[188] made to a city almost in the same latitude with
Westminster. "When I think of your wisdom, I admire your wealth; when I
think of your wealth, I admire your wisdom."