From _Tuesday, August 2_, to _Thursday, August 4, 1709_.
Quicquid agunt homines ... nostri farrago libelli.
JUV., Sat. I. 85, 86.
_White's Chocolate-house, August 2._
_The History of Orlando the Fair. Chap. I._
Whatever malicious men may say of our lucubrations, we have no design
but to produce unknown merit, or place in a proper light the actions
of our contemporaries who labour to distinguish themselves, whether it
be by vice or virtue. For we shall never give accounts to the world
of anything, but what the lives and endeavours of the persons (of
whom we treat) make the basis of their fame and reputation. For this
reason it is to be hoped, that our appearance is reputed a public
benefit; and though certain persons may turn what we mean for panegyric
into scandal, let it be answered once for all, that if our praises
are really designed as raillery, such malevolent persons owe their
safety from it only to their being too inconsiderable for history. It
is not every man who deals in ratsbane, or is unseasonably amorous,
that can adorn story like Æsculapius;[4] nor every stockjobber of
the India Company can assume the port, and personate the figure
of Aurengezebe.[5] My noble ancestor, Mr. Shakespeare, who was of
the race of the Staffs, was not more fond of the memorable Sir
John Falstaff, than I am of those worthies; but the Latins have an
admirable admonition expressed in two words, to wit, _nequid nimis_,
which forbids my indulging myself on those delightful subjects, and
calls me to do justice to others, who make no less figures in our
generation: of such, the first and most renowned is, that eminent hero
and lover, Orlando[6] the handsome, whose disappointments in love, in
gallantry, and in war, have banished him from public view, and made
him voluntarily enter into a confinement, to which the ungrateful age
would otherwise have forced him. Ten _lustra_ and more are wholly
passed since Orlando first appeared in the metropolis of this island:
his descent noble, his wit humorous, his person charming. But to none
of these recommendatory advantages was his title so undoubted as that
of his beauty. His complexion was fair, but his countenance manly;
his stature of the tallest, his shape the most exact; and though in
all his limbs he had a proportion as delicate as we see in the works
of the most skilful statuaries, his body had a strength and firmness
little inferior to the marble of which such images are formed. This
made Orlando the universal flame of all the fair sex: innocent virgins
sighed for him, as Adonis; experienced widows, as Hercules. Thus did
this figure walk alone the pattern and ornament of our species, but of
course the envy of all who had the same passions, without his superior
merit and pretences to the favour of that enchanting creature, woman.
However, the generous Orlando believed himself formed for the world,
and not to be engrossed by any particular affection. He sighed not for
Delia, for Chloris, for Chloe, for Betty, nor my lady, nor for the
ready chambermaid, nor distant baroness: woman was his mistress, and
the whole sex his seraglio. His form was always irresistible: and if we
consider, that not one of five hundred can bear the least favour from a
lady without being exalted above himself; if also we must allow, that a
smile from a side-box[7] has made Jack Spruce half mad, we can't think
it wonderful that Orlando's repeated conquests touched his brain: so it
certainly did, and Orlando became an enthusiast in love; and in all his
address, contracted something out of the ordinary course of breeding
and civility. However (powerful as he was), he would still add to the
advantages of his person that of a profession which the ladies favour,
and immediately commenced soldier. Thus equipped for love and honour,
our hero seeks distant climes and adventures, and leaves the despairing
nymphs of Great Britain to the courtship of beau and witlings till
his return. His exploits in foreign nations and courts have not been
regularly enough communicated unto us, to report them with that
veracity which we profess in our narrations: but after many feats of
arms (which those who were witnesses to them have suppressed out of
envy, but which we have had faithfully related from his own mouth in
our public streets) Orlando, returns home full, but not loaded with
years. Beau born in his absence made it their business to decry his
furniture, his dress, his manner; but all such rivalry he suppressed
(as the philosopher did the sceptic, who argued there was no such thing
as motion) by only moving. The beauteous Villaria,[8] who only was
formed for his paramour, became the object of his affection. His first
speech to her was as follows:
"Madam,--It is not only that nature has made us two the most
accomplished of each sex, and pointed to us to obey her dictates
in becoming one; but that there is also an ambition in following
the mighty persons you have favoured. Where kings and heroes, as
great as Alexander, or such as could personate Alexander,[9] have
bowed, permit your general to lay his laurels."
According to Milton:
_The fair with conscious majesty approved
His pleaded reason;_[10]
and fortune had now supplied Orlando with necessaries for his
high taste of gallantry and pleasure: his equipage and economy had
something in them more sumptuous and gallant than could be received
in our degenerate age; therefore his figure (though highly graceful)
appeared so exotic, that it assembled all the Britons under the age of
sixteen, who saw his grandeur, to follow his chariot with shouts and
acclamations, which he regarded with the contempt which great minds
affect in the midst of applauses. I remember I had the honour to see
him one day stop, and call the youths about him, to whom he spake as
follows:
"Good bastard,--Go to school, and don't lose your time in following
my wheels: I am loth to hurt you, because I know not but you are all
my own offspring: hark'ee, you sirrah with the white hair, I am sure
you are mine: there is half-a-crown. Tell your mother, this, with the
half-crown I gave her when I got you, comes to five shillings. Thou
hast cost me all that, and yet thou art good for nothing. Why, you
young dogs, did you never see a man before?" "Never such a one as you,
noble general," replied a truant from Westminster. "Sirrah, I believe
thee: there is a crown for thee. Drive on, coachman."
This vehicle, though sacred to love, was not adorned with doves: such
an hieroglyphic denoted too languishing a passion. Orlando therefore
gave the eagle,[11] as being of a constitution which inclined him
rather to seize his prey with talons, than pine for it with murmurs.
_From my own Apartment, August 2._
I have received the following letter from Mr. Powell of the Bath,[12]
who, I think, runs from the point between us, which I leave the whole
world to judge.
_To Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq._
"SIR,
"Having a great deal of more advantageous business at present on my
hands, I thought to have deferred answering your _Tatler_ of the
21st instant, till the company was gone, and season over; but having
resolved not to regard any impertinences of your paper, except what
relate particularly to me, I am the more easily induced to answer you
(as I shall find time to do it): First, partly lest you should think
yourself neglected, which I have reason to believe you would take
heinously ill. Secondly, partly because it will increase my fame, and
consequently my audience, when all the quality shall see with how much
wit and raillery I show you--I don't care a farthing for you. Thirdly,
partly because, being without books,[13] if I don't show much learning,
it will not be imputed to my having none.
"I have travelled Italy, France, and Spain, and fully comprehend what
any German artist in the world can do; yet cannot I imagine, why
you should endeavour to disturb the repose and plenty which (though
unworthy) I enjoy at this place. It cannot be, that you take offence
at my prologues and epilogues, which you are pleased to miscall foolish
and abusive. No, no, until you give a better,[14] I shall not forbear
thinking, that the true reason of your picking a quarrel with me was,
because it is more agreeable to your principles, as well as more to
the honour of your assured victory, to attack a governor. Mr. Isaac,
Mr. Isaac, I can see into a millstone as far as another (as the saying
is). You are for sowing the seeds of sedition and disobedience among
my puppets, and your zeal for the (good old) cause would make you
persuade Punch to pull the string from his chops, and not move his jaw
when I have a mind he should harangue. Now I appeal to all men, if
this is not contrary to that uncontrollable, unaccountable dominion,
which by the laws of nature I exercise over them; for all sorts of wood
and wire were made for the use and benefit of man: I have therefore
an unquestionable right to frame, fashion, and put them together,
as I please; and, having made them what they are, my puppets are my
property, and therefore my slaves: nor is there in nature anything
more just, than the homage which is paid by a less to a more excellent
being: so that, by the right therefore of a superior genius, I am their
supreme moderator, although you would insinuate (agreeably to your
levelling principles) that I am myself but a great puppet, and can
therefore have but a co-ordinate jurisdiction with them. I suppose I
have now sufficiently made it appear, that I have a paternal right[15]
to keep a puppet-show, and this right I will maintain in my prologues
on all occasions.
"And therefore, if you write a defence of yourself against this my
self-defence, I admonish you to keep within bounds; for every day
will not be so propitious to you as the 29th of April; and perhaps my
resentment may get the better of my generosity, and I may no longer
scorn to fight one who is not my equal with unequal weapons: there
are such things as _scandalums magnatums_;[16] therefore take heed
hereafter how you write such things as I cannot easily answer, for that
will put me in a passion.
"I order you to handle only these two propositions, to which our
dispute may be reduced: the first, whether I have not an absolute
power, whenever I please, to light a pipe with one of Punch's legs, or
warm my fingers with his whole carcass? The second, whether the devil
would not be in Punch, should he by word or deed oppose my sovereign
will and pleasure? And then, perhaps, I may (if I can find leisure for
it) give you the trouble of a second letter.
"But if you intend to tell me of the original of puppet-shows, and
the several changes, and revolutions that have happened in them,
since Thespis, and I don't care who, that's _noli me tangere_; I have
solemnly engaged to say nothing of what I can't approve. Or, if you
talk of certain contracts with the mayor and burgesses, or fees to the
constables, for the privilege of acting, I will not write one single
word about any such matters;[17] but shall leave you to be mumbled by
the learned and very ingenious author of a late book, who knows very
well what is to be said and done in such cases.[18] He is now shuffling
the cards, and dealing to Timothy; but if he wins the game, I will send
him to play at backgammon with you; and then he will satisfy you, that
deuce-ace makes five.
"And so, submitting myself to be tried by my country, and allowing any
jury of twelve good men, and true, to be that country; not excepting
any (unless Mr. Isaac Bickerstaff) to be of the panel,[19] for you are
neither good nor true; I bid you heartily farewell; and am,
"Sir,
Your loving Friend,
POWELL.[20]
"Bath, _July 28_."