THE DEVIL’S TEMPERANCE COLLEGE.
1. Mr. World and his companion visit this immense college, with many
wings, all devoted to teaching every phase of the temperance question
in accordance with Satan’s views.
2. A view of the millions who attend this college.
Automobiles are used by the agents of Satan to convey students and
visitors from one college to another of the great University of the
World.
I saw Miss Church-Member and her cherished escort leave the College of
Literature in one of these up-to-date carriages.
“Shall we tarry at the athletic field?” asked Mr. World as they came
to a famous sporting ground.
“Let us rather hasten to the Temperance College,” she suggested. But
her manner indicated that she did not wish to urge him away from the
place of his heart’s desire.
“Altogether at your pleasure,” he smiled, as he sank back into the
comfortable cushions of the conveyance.
They soon reached the desired locality, saw the moving millions from
all portions of the earth, and heard the ceaseless babble of their
voices harmonizing with the work of this college which was known among
the pilgrims of the King’s Highway as _The Devil’s Temperance College._
It covered many acres of ground, and consisted of many immense
buildings, around which clustered many smaller structures serving for
auxiliary purposes.
When Mr. World and Miss Church-Member walked about the college grounds,
and saw more closely the magnitude and beauty of the edifices, they
were so overawed that their tongues offered no comment.
They mingled a while with the merry multitude, and then at one corner
of the group entered the gigantic building devoted to the subject of
Temperance and the Bible. They hoped thereby to get the consensus of
opinion on one of the complex questions of the day.
At the bureau of information the two companions were directed to the
Public Hall of Debate, which was reached by the aid of one of the
numerous electric elevators. The Great Hall had an auditorium of one
hundred feet in height and a seating capacity fully capable of
accommodating the visiting multitudes. The acoustics were so perfect
that one, at the farther end of the room, could easily hear the speaker
on the stage. When Mr. World and his friend had entered the hall they
were surprised to learn that many of the auditors were members of the
more radical churches along the King’s Highway.
The corps of high titled professors who occupied the stage spoke at
intervals, or answered questions which were propounded by persons in
the audience.
Over the stage I saw in illuminated letters: TEMPERANCE AND THE BIBLE.
An aged man was speaking when the two comrades took seats near the
center of the room.
“We are not here,” explained the venerable man, “to prove that the
Bible is either false or true. We leave that question for other schools
to decide. It is our province to show what the Bible teaches on this
important theme. Temperance is a word so misused and so abused that
it becomes people of sound judgment to go to the rock bottom of the
question as viewed in the light of Scripture.”
Then, adjusting his green spectacles, the speaker opened the Bible and
offered to explain, or to have explained, any part of it that bore on
the subject of “Temperance from a Bible Standpoint.”
A breathless silence followed until a moderate-drinking church-member
arose with Bible in hand. “Did Christians, during the life of Christ,
drink wine?” he asked, in a self-righteous manner.
The speaker called upon Mr. Wine Expert who quickly stepped forward
from his chair on the stage.
“There can be no doubt,” he affirmed, “but that they drank wine freely.
They knew enough in that day not to discard a good thing.”
Hundreds of people sprang to their feet, but Mr. Venerable ordered
that one should speak at a time and that they all should be seated and
first listen to the questioner.
“Was that wine the same, in kind, that Noah drank, as related in Gen.
9:21?”
“Identical.”
“And the same that is used to-day in the commercial world?”
“It is the same as the good wine that is used to-day. There are many
modern adulterations.”
The questioner took his seat. A man from London then obtained the
floor. He also held a Bible as he spoke.
“I am a temperance worker in one of the districts of London, and would
like to know whether you conclude by your former assertion concerning
the early Christians that the Bible does not speak against wine
drinking?”
“Not in a single place. How could it do so consistently?” answered the
Devil’s expert.
“Will you please turn to Prov. 20:1. ‘Wine is a mocker, strong drink
is raging: and whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise.’ How do you
harmonize this passage with what you have just asserted?” The man from
London sat down.
“Quite an easy task for one who has given honest study to the question,”
said Mr. Wine Expert. “Wine is a mocker. Just as wisdom mocks at the
calamity of those who reject it in Prov. 1:26. So, wine, personified
in a similar manner, mocks at the folly of those who refuse it.
(Applause.) Strong drink is raging. Just as in Jonah 1:15, the sea was
raging in protest against Jonah because he refused to preach the truth
to the people. So in this passage, ‘strong drink is raging,’ because
so many church-members and ministers refuse to preach the real truth
to the people on the subject of strong drink. (Prolonged applause.)
If there were as much said against me falsely, as has been spoken
against strong drink, I would not only rage, but would go raging and
foaming over this stage in protest. (Tremendous applause and shouting
from the people of the world.) I tell you more, my friends, strong
drink will keep on raging as long as old Voices and ‘The New Voice’
of cranks and idiots are heard to squeak out their childish nonsense
to an enlightened people.” (Furious applause and demonstrations.)
“The last part of the passage is easily to be understood,” continued
the speaker. “‘Whosoever is deceived thereby is not wise.’ How could
a person be wise who allows himself to be deceived and hoodwinked
concerning as good a thing as wine or strong drink?”
“Nobody, we need not fear,” cried out a brewer from one side of the
room.
“There is however a host,” continued Mr. Wine Expert, “who are woefully
deceived, and who are endeavoring to force their deceptions upon the
state.”
“And I am one of them,” shouted a tall man from Kansas, U. S. A., as
he violently jumped to his feet, and remained standing.
“I would suggest,” calmly interrupted the venerable leader, “that our
special photographer take a snap shot of this man. We are always glad
to keep a record of such monstrosities. He looks like a fair specimen
of a deceived man. (Laughter.) He is lean and bony, and if any one of
you never before saw such a man, take a full view of him now. Suppose
you,” he said, as he continued pointing at the Kansas man, “slowly
make a full revolution on your feet so that each one can here see all
sides of you,--if you have more than one side.” (Great applause amongst
the people of the world.)
The man from Kansas stood still till the voice of the insulting outcry
died away.
“I can stand abuse; I can stand irony and sarcasm; but I thank God
that where I live I need no longer endure the insults of the Rum Devil.
(Suppressed applause.) If Mr. Venerable thinks I am the only man present
who comes under his classification of ‘deceived persons,’ I will
demonstrate to him his folly, for there are many thousands here who
have not yet bowed the knee to Baal.”
“Out of order!” “Put him out!” “Away with him!” came from the audience.
“If there is a person here opposed to the Rum Traffic, let him rise,”
fearlessly continued the tall man.
Up sprang a W. C. T. U. leader; then another person; then a hundred
from Maine; yea, a thousand more until over seven thousand, from all
parts of the world, stood on their feet.
“Remain standing, I ask you! Let not one of you act the coward! There
are others here today, who came in, as I did, to visit. Stand up! Show
your colors! If you remain seated you will be classed with the enemy.
The time to honor your cause is at hand. I ask you seventy thousand
church-members present to choose this day whom you will serve.”
Mr. Venerable, who was an experienced man in these uprisings, whispered
to an excited saloon-keeper: “Let them proceed. A house divided against
itself can not stand.”
“I demand order,” shouted a high-license advocate who owned a brewery,
but the agitated fellow was soon calmed by these personal words from
the venerable chairman: “_Let these people go. They will soon get into
factional contention and thereby break the point of their steel more
effectually than we could do it._”
“Remain standing, ye noble band of men and women!” shouted the Kansas
man with increasing earnestness. “You, who are too cowardly or
indifferent to rise from your seats, are throwing your influence this
day on the side of the enemy, thereby casting a reflection on the
church of our Lord Jesus Christ, and--”
This was more than a certain minister could bear. So, before the Kansas
man had finished his last sentence, he sprang excitedly to his feet
and shook his fist defiantly: “I want it distinctly understood that
I am just as good as the man from Kansas, and just as much of a
temperance man, but I don’t believe in this way of showing my colors.
I would not be standing now had I not been insulted more by that crank
of one idea, standing there, than by Mr. Wine Expert who so contemptibly
perverted Scripture.”
Mr. Wine Expert sprang to the edge of the stage to defend his position,
but Mr. Venerable was instantly at his side. “_Come, come, don’t spoil
that fight; suffer rather than have them combine against you,_” were
the quiet words of logic that brought him to his seat without uttering
a word.
Then up jumped a few prominent church-members to express their
indignation at the adverse criticism of the Kansas man.
“Those are exactly my sentiments, and I here offer my protest against
this manner of procedure,” said one as he looked approvingly at the
minister.
“And so do I.” “I am most emphatically of the same opinion.” “I stand
here, a true temperance man, to express my indignation at that Kansas
prodigy,” were some of the expressions which came from temperance men
who were not willing to be classed with the seven thousand.
Then upwards of one hundred women rose to their feet and indignantly
rebuked the Kansas man for his misjudgment in starting this factional
display. This provoked some radical leaders of the W. C. T. U. who
chanced to be there as detectives or visitors. They also arose in
defense of the Kansas man.
I saw the tumult rising. Disorder was pre-dominant. Hundreds tried to
speak at once. Saloon-keepers, brewers, whiskey politicians, and the
professors on the stage were smiling in ghoulish glee. They enjoyed
it more than a prize fight, and the results were at once more disastrous
and more deplorable.
As the conflict waxed hotter some men and women were screaming, and
some fainting, and some resorted to blows. Others scrambled to get
from the room. The elevators were put in quick service, and I saw Mr.
World and Miss Church-Member, with thousands of others, running from
the scene of the fight.
“Let us go to another building,” suggested Miss Church-Member.
A very short time after this I saw them enter the largest building of
all the Temperance College. It stood centrally amongst the great group,
and was devoted to “_Hygiene and Temperance._”
[Illustration: A Scene in the Devils Temperance College The fight
between the temperence factions was greatly enjoyed by the saloon-
keepers, brewers, and whisky politicians.]
After learning that they came as visitors, a director advised them to
pass the many medical wings on separate flats and go to the great
auditorium on one of the higher floors. Proceeding, in obedience to
the advice given, they soon beheld a room of greater size and
magnificence than the one which they had just left, and as they were
taking seats they fixed their attention on the lecturer who had already
been speaking for an hour. He was discoursing on the relation of strong
drink to the stomach.
“It must be remembered,” affirmed he, “that the stomach was made to
serve man. The appetite is the true criterion by which he may know
what his body needs. If he feels a thirst for alcoholic drink, it is
akin to a hunger for any special class of foods. He is not to ask his
servant, the stomach, whether it is willing to do the work of
transformation. He is to give it the work to do. The stomach will do
it, unless that particular digestive function is lost. It is claimed
by some who know more about ditch-digging than about physiology, that
alcoholic beverages ruin the lining of the stomach, creating ulcers,
and other disorders. This kind of teaching reminds me of a conundrum.
‘Why is a scientific temperance man like a dead man in his coffin?’
Who can answer it?”
“Because each one ought to be buried,” guessed a liquor-merchant from
Paris. (Laughter.)
“A good guess,” said the speaker, but you have not yet hit the mark.”
“Because needer von dem is vert any ding,” said the proprietor of a
beer-saloon from Germany. (Increased laughter.)
“You are still away from my idea,” spoke the lecturer.
“I know it,” said a rum-lawyer. “It is because they both lie.”
(Applause.)
“That’s exactly the truth of the matter. These so-called ‘scientific
temperance men’ are accountable for more lies imposed on a credulous
public than can be corrected for many years to come. Any sensible man
knows that moderate drinking is healthful to the stomach. If a man
drinks too much, he is liable to trouble, just like a man who eats too
much, or sleeps too much, or even talks too much about temperance.
(Applause and laughter.) I tell you, my good friends, a little of that
elixir of life is just as good for my stomach as it was for Timothy’s,
and the good man Paul would say the same thing if he were here to-day.
(Cries from the world of “that’s so!” and “hurrah for Paul!”) I am
satisfied to have a great man like Paul on my side, even if I must
know that some of his pigmy disciples are against me.” (Increased
applause.)
This speech was especially enjoyed by Mr. World who himself was addicted
to a moderate use of alcoholic beverages. An announcement came from
the platform that in an hour the eminent Dr. Strauss of Europe would
discourse on “The Effect of Malt Liquors on the Heart,” and those who
wished to remain might spend the interim in social intercourse.
In consequence of this announcement the major part of the audience
dispersed in varying groups, and discussed the merits of the lecture
just ended.
Every creed was there represented by a few or more of its members,
many of whom were favorably and deeply impressed by the argument of
the Devil as it was given in the address.
Others I saw, not a few, who laid bare this iniquitous scheme of
presenting the untruth, and declared that they would no more give ear
to any teaching that came from that source.
This gave rise to endless quibblings and contentions between
church-members of the same faith and those of separate creeds. These
disputes continued with increasing bitterness until the hour had passed.
All eyes were fixed upon the stage as the portly Dr. Strauss arose to
speak. His voice at first was slow and deep, and in all he was the
personification of dignity. The first part of his lecture was a very
convincing argument in favor of what is called the “_Normal Use of
Malt Liquors_.” He declared that moderate drinking could have no evil
effect on the action of the heart, except in rare cases. To prove his
general statement and to win the confidence of his hearers, he quoted
over forty printed and written extracts from eminent physicians of the
world.
After this general survey of his argument, he entered into details and
illustrated the second division of his lecture by the use of pictorial
charts. In this manner the construction and action of the heart were
concretely shown.
In the third division of the lecture the Prince of Darkness showed his
skill in manipulating the utterances of the speaker. By a second series
of illustrated charts the lecturer intended to show how alcoholic
beverages, in coursing through the human system, benefited the heart
rather than injured it. In trying to establish this point he used the
subtlest sophistry of Satan.
Through the three divisions of the discourse I heard vigorous applause,
and when, in the smooth language of his final climax, he uttered the
last word and was returning to his seat, there was a deafening roar
from all parts of the vast hall. To the mind of Miss Church-Member the
argument of Dr. Strauss was unanswerable, and consequently she was
obliged to revise her radical opinions on the temperance question; and
not only she, but a host of others from the ranks of the Christian
church were influenced similarly.
After leaving this hall the happy pair spent a long time in passing
through some of the other buildings of the group. _Miss Church-Member
was so filled with the doctrines of the Devil that she thought of going
as a missionary to the pilgrims of the Narrow Way._
During their visit at the Temperance College Mr. World conducted his
ever-faithful friend through some of the fashionable temperance-saloons
connected with the institution.
Miss Church-Member would not have entered and much less indulged in
the questionable beverages, had she not been so strongly influenced
by the prolonged visit at the section of the group devoted to the study
of “_Temperate and Intemperate Drinks._”
I was sorely vexed at the operations of this whole college and, looking
at Blackana, I said impatiently:
“How can your comrades find delight in such an impish work--covering
truth and scattering hellish sophistry abroad?”
“Delight?” repeated Blackana. “This world is but the Devil’s Heaven,
and those in his kingdom find chiefest delight in thorns, and not in
flowers; in spinning sophistry, and not in dead things like truth and
logic.”