_House of Commons, Monday, May 30._--House met to-day, with pretty
assumption of things being just as usual. SPEAKER in Chair; Mace on
Table; paper loaded with questions; House even moderately full. Mr.
G. not present, but SQUIRE OF MALWOOD makes up for that, and all
other deficiencies. Quite radiant in white waistcoat and summer
pants; wish he would crown the effect by wearing white hat; draws the
line at that. "People are apt to forget," he says, "that my father
was a dignitary of the Church. It is well sometimes to hint at the
circumstance, and it would be impossible to do it from under the
brim of a white hat." The item scarcely needed to complete joviality
of Squire's appearance and bearing; looks like the best man at a
wedding-party. "That's just what I am, TOBY," he said; "Mr. G. is
going to the country to wed the majority at the polls, and I'm the
best man."
[Illustration: Truculent Tim.]
Meanwhile, farce of there being nothing particular in the wind
admirably kept up. Odd to see how even mention of that blessed word
Dissolution is avoided. Even when, last Thursday, Mr. G. and Prince
ARTHUR practically settled the matter, the word not uttered. Mr.
G. hinted at possibility of ARTHUR's sometime, in some convenient
circumstances, making a statement as to the business of the Session;
the Prince, adopting the phraseology, said he would do so. Since then
the same precaution been observed.
"It's not a new idea," Prince ARTHUR said just now, when I commented
on the peculiarity. "When a man is sick unto death, people don't
mention in his presence the particular form of disease that is
carrying him off. Neither do we openly talk of Dissolution in a
Parliament whose days are numbered."
SEXTON finally got off his speech on Irish Education Bill, though
under peculiarly distressing circumstances. Might have delivered it
before Easter, when Bill was reached one evening at eleven o'clock.
SEXTON thought the hour inconvenient and the audience inadequate for
the oration; insisted upon postponing it. Must be delivered to-night
or never; so worked it off, speaking for an hour in almost empty and
sadly inattentive House. TIM HEALY, not to lose an opportunity that
might be final, joined in debate. Audience being chiefly composed of
JACKSON, TIM took opportunity of genially observing, _à propos_ of the
Bill, that if he had to spend his time on a desert island with either
a Chief Secretary or an Irish peasant, he would prefer the peasant.
"I'm glad of that," said JACKSON; "it would be lonely for the one that
was left. Within a week the population would certainly be reduced by
one-half. Whether the survivor would be TIM or the other one, would
depend upon circumstances." _Business done._--Irish Education Bill
read Second Time.
[Illustration: THE GREAT CONTEST. BLACK AND WHITE AT THE NATIONAL
SPORTING CLUB, MONDAY, MAY 30, 1892.
_At the earnest request of the President, Mr. Punch will not disclose
the personality of the spectators._]
_Tuesday._--ELCHO's speech to-day, in supporting WILFRID LAWSON's
Motion against Adjournment over Derby Day, most excellent fooling.
A dangerous thing to play practical jokes with House; only a person
of ELCHO's supreme coolness would have faced the fearful odds. A
desperate man having done so, might, by swerving however slightly
to left or right, have made mistake, and been angrily dropped on by
watchful House. GRICE-HUTCHINSON had some experience of this in his
truncated speech. Commenced at length to be funny in usual ante-Derby
Day fashion; beginning to draw picture of his leading WILFRID LAWSON
by hand over Epsom Downs. Members opposite snorted disapproval;
GRICE-HUTCHINSON abruptly shut up; like the unfinished window in
Aladdin's Tower, his carefully-prepared joke unfinished must remain.
With this awful warning, ELCHO rose unperturbed and unabashed. Was a
success from first moment; SPEAKER artlessly contributed to it; GEDGE
had something to say; been popping up whenever opening occurred; here
again competing with ELCHO; which should be preferred?
"Does the noble Lord," said SPEAKER, with bland sarcasm, "rise to
second the Amendment?"
Now the Amendment was WILFRID LAWSON's, and met with direct negative
proposal to adjourn over Derby Day. Last time question to the fore
ELCHO had moved the Adjournment. To suppose he was now going to back
up WILFRID LAWSON in opposing it was an exquisite jape, worthy of the
Chair. But ELCHO capped it. "Yes, Sir," he gravely answered.
This was a flash of humour everyone could see. The crowded House,
wearied with what had gone before, positively jumped at it. But it was
a kind of joke that had to be lived up to. Could ELCHO do it? Would
he spoil it by going too far, or would he shrink affrighted from the
position audaciously assumed? He did just the right thing, in tone,
manner, and matter, affording the House the merriest moments ever
enjoyed on a deathbed. It seemed so good that it was idle to expect
anything better to follow. But something there was. It was the
Division, in which ELCHO, walking up to the Table by side of WILFRID
LAWSON, acted as co-teller whilst the figures were announced that
abolished the Derby Day holiday in the House of Commons. ELCHO had had
his jest, and the Opposition had his estate.
_Business done._--Motion for Derby Day negatived by 158 Votes against
144.
[Illustration: "6 to 4." (_t. and o._)]
_Wednesday._--Spent quite cheerful Derby Day in Commons. House met
shortly after twelve; when I say House, I mean the SPEAKER and me.
"Dearly beloved TOBY," said the SPEAKER, "it seems we're to have the
place to ourselves." But presently HOWELL arrived, and GEDGE, terribly
afraid that he should miss prayers. "I suppose my opportunities will
not be extended. Stockport doesn't seem to care to have me in the new
Parliament, and I'm not aware of any competition for my hand among
other constituencies. So I mean to make the most of what time is left.
I fancy they'll at least miss me at St. Margaret's. Proudest moment in
my life, TOBY, when the other Sunday, I overheard one of the Vergers
saying to another, 'Man and boy I've been in this 'ere church for
forty year, but I never heard a Amen carry so far as Muster GELGE
pitches his.' It's something to be appreciated, TOBY. Can't say that
House of Commons has taken to me kindly; but toward what may be the
close of a Parliamentary career, the tribute of this honest Verger is,
I will admit, soothing."
(12:25.)--GEDGE moves Count; bells ring; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD strolls in
with the pleased expression of a man who might be at the Derby, but
isn't; HORACE DAVY and some others; all told only 13. "If you'll
excuse me. Gentlemen," said the SPEAKER, "I'll retire; look in again
little later."
[Illustration: "Formerly of the Herts Militia."]
(1 P.M.)--SPEAKER back in Chair; ATTORNEY-GENERAL moves Count; bells
ring as before; SQUIRE OF MALWOOD again comes in; no deception; wasn't
lurking about with intent to show up in House, then rush off to catch
half-past twelve train for Epsom. Heads counted; only 19 present;
must have forty or no House. "Look here, Gentlemen," said the SPEAKER,
"this won't do. The Chair is not to be trifled with. I shall again
retire, and won't come back till four o'clock, or till I am assured
there are forty Members present."
SPEAKER gathered up skirts and strode forth. Three hours before
House can be Counted Out. What's to be done in the time? ELLIOT LEES
determines to make a book; 6 to 4 no House (_t. and o._); HENRY FOWLER
wouldn't bet; but ROBY put something on, and ALBERT ROLLIT staked a
fiver.
(4 P.M.)--SPEAKER back again; House much fuller now; ELLIOT LEES
looking anxious; made a nice book if he can only pull it off. But
arrival of half a dozen Members would upset everything. ROBY and
ALBERT ROLLIT rushing about corridors trying to bring men in; LEES
KNOWLES moves Count; more ringing of bells; ROLLIT and ROBY, on
picket-duty to last moment, nearly locked out; SPEAKER counts; finds
only 35. "The House will now adjourn," says the SPEAKER. "Don't see
why we should have met at all," says ROBY, snappishly. "I do," says
ELLIOT LEES, making his little collection. "I've had a pleasant and
profitable afternoon."
_Business done._--House not made.
_Friday._--House met at two o'clock; might have sat till seven; but
at five minutes to five gently broke up. Won't be back till Thursday.
"Not much of a holiday." said Viscount GRIMSTONE, formerly of the
Herts Militia; "better make the most of it;" and he set off at the
rate of five miles an hour.
_Business done._--Adjourned for the Whitsun Recess.
* * * * *
[Illustration]
THE VIGOROUS VICAR.--Dr. MILLS of Coventry, to which place his
bitterest enemies cannot relegate him as he is already there, acts
up to his name, as a Member of the Church Militant, with pluck and
perseverance, whether right or wrong it is not for _amicus curiæ_ to
say. But, it may be asked, is this action for the rates, on the part
of the Vicar, a Vicar's first-Rate Act or not? Some parishioners
suspend payment; we suspend judgment.
* * * * *
VERY NATURAL ERROR.--A gentleman who up till now has been a quiet
sort of man, with nothing suggestive of the "P.R." about him, sent
to excuse himself from appearing at our old friend Mrs. RAM's
dinner-party, because as he wrote to her nephew, who read the
letter aloud, "I am off to see Woodhall Spa." "What!" she exclaimed,
"Prize-fighting beginning again! And isn't Mr. WOODHALL or WOODALL a
Member of Parliament? He ought to know better. Where are the police?"
* * * * *
"IT WILL WASH!"--"Abolition of the House of Peers!" No, stop--spell it
with an "a," and make it "Pears,"--now a Company Limited. Going along
in first-rate style. The Pears' Soap Christmas Book, illustrated,
is to be a new edition of "_His Soaps Fables_." Next form of
advertisement,--"Very good morning! Just bought Pears' Soap Shares."
* * * * *
FRENCH PLAYS IN LONDON.--The old saying applies, "They do these things
better in France." London prefers to go to Paris for its French plays;
but when two rivals, a BERNHARDT and a COQUELIN, come over to London,
Londoners give the lady a chance of making her charming voice heard,
but the clever French actor has, literally, to "shut up."
* * * * *
ROYAL DECISION.--When the QUEEN goes from Balmoral to Mar Lodge, Her
Majesty takes a Deesided course.
* * * * *
NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.