(_PREPARED FOR THE HALLS IN COMPLIANCE WITH THE SUGGESTIONS OF MR.
PLUNKET'S COMMITTEE._)
SCENE--_An open space outside Elsinore. View of the Palace and
the Battlements. HAMLET discovered talking to the Ghost._
_Ham._ And is it really within thy power to show me illustrations to
the story that has so much interested me?
_Ghost._ It is! Behold!
[_He waves his bâton and a rock becomes transparent,
displaying a tableau of the play-scene in "Hamlet."_]
_Ham._ Ah, how well do I remember the occasion! It was after I had met
thee, and thou hadst told me the sad story of thy decease by my Uncle.
And then I contrived this device to catch the conscience of the King!
Thou art sleeping calmly, and a cloaked figure is pouring poison--real
poison--into thy ear! and look, the King is greatly disturbed! Ah, how
it all comes back to me! (_The rock resumes its normal condition._)
And canst thou show me more?
_Ghost._ Ay, and I will! Behold!
[_He waves his bâton, and another rock discovers a tableau
representing the Burial of OPHELIA._
_Ham._ (_deeply interested_). Why, these must be the maimed rites that
were all that was given to my poor lost love--the lady I desired
to visit a nunnery--to OPHELIA. And see there are the comic
Grave-diggers. Show me more. Show me more!
[_The vision fades away like its predecessor._
_Ghost._ I would, did not the decision of statute law limit the time.
And now I must away. But mind, my son--six principal characters, and
no more! Thou wilt remember!
_Ham._ Ay, marry; and yes, I will! (_The Ghost disappears._) And so
I have to meet LAERTES at a fencing-bout. I will!
_Trumpets. Enter King, Queen, LAERTES, OSRIC and Court._
_King._ HAMLET, all hail! I wish thee joy! May'st thou be the victor
at to-day's trial of skill!
_Ghost_ (_heard from below_). Remember! Six principal characters. He
and thou and I are three. Three! Six, and no more!
_Hamlet_ (_aside_). Peace, perturbed spirit!
_Laertes_ (_approaching_). My good Lord, I wish thee well, for I do
love thee.
_Ghost_ (_from below_). Four! Remember--Four! Six, and no more! and
mind the time goes apace. Ten minutes of the thirty gone!
_Hamlet_ (_aside_). Peace, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) The foils!
_Osric_ (_approaching_). My Lord, the weapons!
_Ghost_ (_as before_). He maketh five! Beware! Six, and no more!
_Ham._ (_aside_). Rest, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) I will take this
one!
[_HAMLET and LAERTES take the foils and salute._
_King._ Now will I drink to HAMLET after the first bout. OSRIC, be
ready to give him a cup when he is tired! Mind me well. (_Aside._) The
cup of which HAMLET shall drink contains poison. Ha! ha! ha! A time
will come! I triumph!
[_HAMLET and LAERTES fence and drop their foils._
_Osric._--Let me return them, good Sirs!
[_He gives the weapons in such a fashion that they are
exchanged._
_King._ Now will I drink to HAMLET. Give him the other cup.
_Ham._ Nay, your pardon. Sire. I am fat and scant of breath, but I
will crush a cup with thee, later!
_Queen._ Give me the cup. I will drink to thee, HAMLET! [_Drinks._
_Ghost_ (_as before_). I hear the well-remembered voice of thy mother,
boy! That makes six. The limit's reached!
_Ham._ (_aside_). Rest, perturbed spirit! (_Aloud._) And now, good
LAERTES, I am at thy service.
[_They fight. HAMLET is wounded._
_Osric._ A hit, a hit, a palpable hit!
_Ham._ (_annoyed_). I am hurt, and by thee!
[_Fights fiercely and wounds_ LAERTES.
_Queen._ Oh! I am poisoned! [_Dies._
_Ham._ What, treachery! Ah, thou brute!
[_Rushes up and kills King with his foil._
_Laertes._ I am dying! Forgive me, HAMLET. It was the doing of the
King. [_Dies._
_Ghost_ (_as before_). Twenty and nine minutes have expired! The time
is all but up!
_Ham._ (_aside, with difficulty_). Rest, perturbed spirit! Farewell,
farewell, a long farewell to all my--
_Ghost_ (_as before_). Ring down! The time is up!
(_Quick Curtain_)
* * * * *
[Illustration: A GENTLE EGOTIST.
_The Brilliant Jones_ (_who likes an appreciative audience--to his
Hostess_). "OH, THERE!--IT'S NO USE--I GIVE IT UP! CONVERSATION'S
IMPOSSIBLE, WHEN PEOPLE _WILL_ TALK!"]
* * * * *
"INNINGS DECLARED CLOSED."
SCENE--_Grounds of the St. Stephen's C.C. SALISBURY
(Captain) and BALFOUR (Champion Bat) at Wickets. The latter
has just despatched the ball to the boundary for "another
four," eliciting "applause all round the ring," as the
(Cricket) saying is._
_Captain_. Well hit, my dear ARTHUR!
_Champion Bat_ (_modestly_). Ah! bit of a fluke.
_Captain_. Come, come! Cricket swagger may merit rebuke,
But take your fair _kudos_; don't run yourself down.
_Wicket-Keeper_ (_aside_). Bah! that's his old trick. At the ball he
will frown,
And fumble the bat as though funk, or don't care,
Filled his soul; but when slogging's the game he's all there.
Mere posing, not playing the game,--yet he _scores_!
I wonder how WILL likes the ring's frantic roars
At their flashy young favourite?
_Bowler_ (_aside_). Humph! he lays on!
I did hope, with that ball, that his wicket was gone.
'Twas a curly one, one of my regular old sort.
Good batting _and_ bowling, that's true Cricket sport,
As CLARKE, Grand Old Trundler, declared was the case
When he bowled and PILCH batted.
_Champion Bat_ (_aside_). Just twig HARCOURT's face!
Thought he'd had me ere now. Can't you hear his "How's _that_?"--
If I gave him a chance?
_Captain_. He's a fine slogging bat,
But behind the sticks--humph! Well, let's see, lad, your score
Wants but eight of the "century." Ninety-two more
Towards your "average," ARTHUR! The Cricketer's Bard
Will be rhyming your doings!
_Champion Bat_. An awful "reward"!
But shall we play on?
_Captain_ (_thoughtfully_). Well, now, what do you think?
From fighting it out to the end I don't shrink,
But time's running short; _we_ stand well for a win:
They _say_ that their eager desire's to go in.
Perhaps if they got their desire they'd be posed.
Suppose we declare that our innings is closed?
[_Left considering it._
* * * * *
"PROBABLE STARTERS."
The Gentleman who sits on a pin with its business-end uppermost.
The Follower "not Allowed," on Missus making a quite unexpected
appearance in the Kitchen.
Clerk, who having written to say that he is unable to attend to
business as he is laid up with symptoms of influenza, comes face to
face with the Senior Partner on the river at Bolton Lock.
LOTHARIO on his knees to his dearest friend's Wife. Enter Husband.
* * * * *
"TEXTUEL."--Mr. TOOLE was horrified at overhearing portions of a
conversation between two Gentlemen who were evidently provincial
Managers, one of whom was saying, "Yes, I agree with you. We have
settled to re-open our pits at a reduction of ten per cent." "I
beg pardon, Gentlemen," anxiously put in the Comedian, who had just
returned from the race-course, having been tooled down to Epsom and
back on a drag; "but I am going on tour, and if the price of admission
to the pit is to be so largely reduced--" Then they explained to
him that they were Wenham Coal-owners. Mr. J.L. TOOLE was immensely
relieved, and immediately invited his two acquaintances to partake of
refreshment on board the Houseboat now moored off King William Street,
Charing Cross.
* * * * *
"TE DUCE," &c.--Old Pupils who were at "Balston's," are requested by
Lord DUCIE to hurry up with their subscriptions to Memorial in Eton
College Chapel. A Ducie'd good idea.
* * * * *
CLEAR CASE OF SUPERSTITION.--Mr. GLADSTONE trusting to "SHIPTON's"
Prophecies.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "INNINGS CLOSED."
RIGHT HON. ARTHUR B. "DON'T YOU THINK IT'S TIME TO DECLARE THIS
INNINGS _CLOSED_?"]
* * * * *