SCENE--_A Borough._ TIME--_Within measurable distance of the
General Election. Enter BROWN and JONES._
_Brown._ Well JONES, I am glad to hear that you purpose standing for
Parliament. You are a first-class man, and the House will be all the
better for having your assistance.
_Jones._ You are mistaken, my dear BROWN. I did intend to stand for
Parliament, but since the Archbishop has published his letter, I have
determined to retire from the contest.
_Brown._ What nonsense! Why I, as you know, have been in the House for
years and I assure you I have never met a more suitable man for
the place. Why, my dear JONES, you are absolutely cut out for
Parliament--absolutely cut out for it!
_Jones_ (_sadly_). I wish I could think so. But alas, no, after the
Archbishop's letter, I must, I will give it up.
_Brown._ Have you not made the question of the Criminal Code your own?
_Jones._ Yes, but I must admit (and I make the admission with shame)
that years ago at school I was rightly accused of stealing apples.
_Brown._ And was the accusation believed--were you punished?
_Jones_ (_struggling with his emotion_). Alas! it was, and I received
(from the Bench) a severe reprimand. It brings the red blood into my
cheeks--a severe reprimand!
_Brown_. Then you know all about the Libel Acts,--you are up in a
slander?
_Jones_ (_bitterly_). And should I not be? Do you not know that I was
once fined ten shillings and costs for saying that a drunken cook was
intoxicated!
_Brown._ Surely there was not much harm in that?
_Jones._ It was immoral to call the cook intoxicated, and the
Archbishop says, "that persons previously condemned on grounds
of immorality of all kinds are not proper legislators." Under the
circumstances I have detailed, I should not be a proper legislator!
_Brown._ But look at me! Here am I living a free life, doing exactly
what I please, and deserving the censure of the Bench five times
a week! I will undertake to say that you are three times as good a
fellow as I am; yet I am as certain of my seat as possible.
_Jones_ (_sadly_). But there is a gulf between us--the gulf that
divides not-entirely-conscious innocence and half-imaginary vice. You
are safe, and I am not.
_Brown._ I don't see why! Why am I safe? Or rather let me mend the
question--why do you think your chance of being elected so small?
_Jones._ Because, my dear BROWN, I have been found out!
[_Scene closes in upon conventional virtue perfunctorily
triumphant._
* * * * *