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[Illustration: PREHISTORIC PEEPS
During a considerable portion of the year the skating was excellent, and
was much enjoyed by all classes.]
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[Illustration: _Little Jones_ (_to lady who has just collided with
him_). "I-I-I-I beg your pardon! I-I-I hope I haven't hurt you!"]
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[Illustration: GENUINE ENTHUSIASM
(_A Thaw Picture._)
What matter an inch or two of surface-water, if the ice be still sound
underneath!]
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"LE FOOTE-BALLE"
_Offices of the Athletic Convention, Paris._
MONSIEUR,--Having already expressed my views as to the capabilities
possessed by "Le Cricquette" for becoming a national game worthy the
attention of the young sporting gentlemen of our modern France, I now
turn me to the consideration of your "Foote-Balle."
I have examined the apparatus for the play you have so kindly sent
over,--the great leathern bag of wind which is kicked, "_les_
Goalpoles", and the regulations for the playing of the game, and have
seen your fifteen professional County "kicksmen" engage,--I shudder as I
recall the terrible sight,--in a contest, horrible, murderous, and
demoniacal, with an equal number of my unhappy compatriots, alas! in
their enthusiasm and _élan_, ignorant of the deadly struggle that
awaited them in the game in which they were about innocently to join. To
witness the savage rush of your professional kicksmen was terrifying,
and when, in displaying "_le scrimmage_", they scattered, with the
kicks of their legs, my fainting compatriots, who fell lamed and wounded
in all directions, I said to myself, this "Foote-Balle" is not a
pastime, it is an encounter of wild beasts, "_un vrai carnage_," fit to
be played, not by civilised sporting gentlemen, but by cannibals.
But let me explain that it is not the kick to which I object, for is not
_le coup de pied_ the national defence of France? Indeed, in your own
fist contest in "Le Boxe-Match," is not to deliver a kick in the jaw of
your antagonist considered a meritorious _coup_, showing great skill in
the boxeman? And do not our own _garçons de collège_ kick a _confrère_
when he is "down," and point to the circumstance with a legitimate pride
and satisfaction? No, it is not _le coup de pied_ which makes horrible
"Le Foote-Balle," but the conspiracy organised of the kicksmen--_Les
Demidos_ (the 'alf-backs), _Les En Avants_ (the Forwards), and the
"Goal-keepers"--all to kick the leathern bag of wind at once, and so
produce a murderous _mêlée_ in which arms, legs, ribs, thighs, necks,
and spines are all broken together, and may be heard simultaneously
cracking by any of the terror-struck but helpless spectators who are
watching the ghastly contest.
Viewing the game under this aspect, you will not be surprised to hear
that my Committee have, as they did in dealing with "Le Cricquette,"
revised the rules and regulations for the playing of your "Foote-Balle,"
so as to suit it to the tastes and requirements of the rising generation
of our Modern France. I cannot at present furnish you with full details
of the suggested modifications, but I may inform you that it has been
unanimously decided that the "Balle," which is to be of "some light,
airy, floating material, and three times its present size," is not to be
touched by the foot at all, but struck lightly by the palm of the hand,
and thus wafted harmlessly, with a smart smack, over the heads of the
combatants.
As to costume, the game is to be played in white satin bed-room
slippers, with (as a protection in the event, spite every possible
precaution, of "_le scrimmage_" arising) feather pillows strapped over
the knees and chest. It is calculated by our Committee that the savage
proclivities of the game, as fostered by the terrible rules of your
murderous "Rugby Association," will be thus, in some measure,
counteracted.
Hoping soon to hear from you on the subject of your _Courses d'Eau_, as
I shall doubtless have some suggestions to make in reference to the
conduct of your aquatic contests, receive, Monsieur, the assurance of my
most distinguished consideration,