[Illustration]
1. Always take your own mallet to a garden party. This will impress
everyone with the idea that you are a fine player. Or an alternative
plan is to play with one provided by your host, and then throughout the
game to attribute every bad stroke to the fact that you have not your
own implement with you.
[Illustration]
2. Use as many technical terms as you can, eking them out with a few
borrowed from golf. Thus it will always impress your partner if you say
that you are "stimied," especially as she won't know what it means. But
a carefully-nurtured reputation may be destroyed at once if you confuse
"roquet" with "croquet," so be very careful that you get these words
right.
3. Aim for at least three minutes before striking the ball, and appear
overcome with amazement when you miss. If you have done so many times in
succession, it may be well to remark on the unevenness of the ground. If
you hit a ball by mistake always pretend that you aimed at it.
4. It is a great point to give your partner advice in a loud and
authoritative tone--it doesn't matter in the least whether it is
feasible or not. Something like the following, said very quickly, always
sounds well:--"Hit one red, take two off him and make your hoop; send
two red towards me and get into position." In a game of croquet there is
always one on each side who gives advice, and one who receives (and
disregards) it. All the lookers-on naturally regard the former as the
finer player, therefore begin giving advice on your partner's first
stroke. If she happens to be a good player this may annoy her, but that
is no consequence.
5. Remember that "a mallet's length from the boundary" varies
considerably. If you play next, it means three yards, if your opponent
does so, it means three inches. So, too, with the other "rules," which
no one really knows. When in an awkward position, the best course is to
invent a new rule on the spur of the moment, and to allege (which will
be perfectly true) that "it has just been introduced."
[Illustration: GENUINE ENTHUSIASM]
6. Much may be done by giving your ball a gentle kick when the backs of
the other players happen to be turned. Many an apparently hopeless game
has been saved by this method. Leave your conscience behind when you
come to a croquet-party.
[Illustration]
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SWEET NAME FOR YOUNG LADIES PLAYING CROQUET.--Hammerdryads.
[Illustration]
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THE POET OF CROQUET.--Mallet.
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[Illustration: LAWN-TENNIS COSTUME
(_Designed by Mr. Punch._)]
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[Illustration: "NOUVELLES COUCHES SOCIALES!"
"I say, uncle, that was young Baldock that went by,--Wilmington Baldock,
you know----!"
"Who the dickens is _he_?"
"What! haven't you heard of him? Hang it! he's making himself a very
first-rate position in the _lawn-tennis_ world, I can _tell_ you!"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: "SPORTING."--_Cabby_ (_on the rank at the top of our
square_.) "Beg your pardon, miss!--'takin' the liberty--but--'ow does
the game stand now, miss? 'Cause me and this 'ere 'ansom's gota dollar
on it!"]
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[Illustration: HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE
_Auntie._ "Archie, run up to the house, and fetch my racket. There's a
dear!"
_Archie_ (_preparing to depart_). "All right. But I say, auntie, don't
let anybody take my seat, will you?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: BARBAROUS TECHNICALITIES OF LAWN-TENNIS.--_Woolwich
Cadet_ (_suddenly, to his poor grandmother, who has had army on the
brain ever since he passed his exam._). "The service is awfully severe,
by Jove! Look at Colonel Pendragon--he invariably _shoots or hangs_!"
_His Poor Grandmother._ "Good Heavens, Algy! I hope you won't be in
_his_ regiment!"]
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[Illustration: COMFORTING
_Proud Mother._ "Did you _ever_ see anybody so light and slender as dear
Algernon, Jack?"
_Uncle Jack_ (_at thirty-five_). "Oh, you mustn't trouble about _that_,
Maria. I was _exactly_ his build at eighteen!"]
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[Illustration: "DONKEYS HAVE EARS."--_Emily_ (_playing at lawn-tennis
with the new curate_). "What's the game, now, Mr. Miniver?" _Curate._
"Forty--Love." _Irreverent Gardener_ (_overhearing_). "Did y'ever hear
such imperence! 'Love,' indeed! And him not been in the parish above a
week! Just like them parsons!"]
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[Illustration: LAWN-TENNIS UNDER DIFFICULTIES--"PLAY!"
If space is limited, there is no reason why one shouldn't play with
one's next-door neighbours, over the garden wall. (One needn't visit
them, you know!)]
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[Illustration: _Stout Gentleman_ (_whose play had been conspicuously
bad_). "I'm such a wretched feeder, you see, Mrs. Klipper--a wretched
feeder! Always was!"
_Mrs. Klipper_ (_who doesn't understand lawn-tennis_). "Indeed! Well, I
should never have thought it!"]
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[Illustration: _She._ "What a fine looking man Mr. O'Brien is!"
_He._ "H'm--hah--rather rough-hewn, I think. Can't say I admire that
loud-laughing, strong-voiced, robust kind of man. Now that's a
fine-looking woman he's talking to!"
_She._ "Well--er--somewhat _effeminate_, you know. Confess I don't
admire _effeminate_ women!"]
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