I hoped Claudia's plain speaking had made an impression, but for a long
time after that it seemed as if Ideala's interest in life had really
ended, that her sphere of usefulness had contracted, and that she
herself would become like the rest--a doer of unconnected trifles that
have meaning only as the straws have meaning which show which way the
current sets. One cannot help thinking how many of these significant
straws must go down to the ocean and be lost, their little use
unrecognised, their little labour unavailing: because it does so little
good merely to know which way the stream is setting, or what ocean will
receive it at last, if we have no power to profit by the knowledge. At
this time Ideala's own life was not unlike one of these hapless straws,
and it seemed a wretched failure of its early promise, that ending as a
straw on the common stream, when so little might have made her
influence in her own sphere like the river itself, strong and
beautiful. Those who loved her watched her in her trouble with eager
hope that some good might yet come of it; but the hope diminished
always as the days wore on. At first her mind had raged and stormed;
one could see it, though she said so little. Her renunciation was
perfect, but nevertheless she could not reconcile herself to it. She
would not go back, but she could not go on, and so she remained midway
between the past, which was hateful to her, and the future, which was a
blank, raging at both. But gradually the storm subsided; and then came
a period of calm, but whether it was the calm of apathy or the calm of
resignation it was hard to say--and meantime she lost her health again,
and became so fragile that my sister only expressed what I felt when
she was speaking of her one day, and said, sadly:
"Her cheek is so waxenly thin,
As if deathward 'twere whitening in,
And the cloud of her flesh, still more white,
Were clearing till soul is in sight.
* * * * *
Her large eyes too liquidly glister!
Her mouth is too red.
Have they kissed her---
The angels that bend down to pull
Our buds of the Beautiful,
And whispered their own little Sister?"
We were anxious to take her abroad, but she would not accompany us.
She talked of going alone, but she did not go, and after a time we
gave up thinking about it. Then one day, quite suddenly, she said: "It
_is_ time this old hysterical mock-disease should die," and she told
us that she had at last decided to travel--somewhere; nothing more
definite than that, for she said she had no fixed plans. We concluded,
however, that she meant to be away some time, for she said something
about perils of the deep, and the uncertainty of life generally, and
she confided her private papers to my care, telling me to look at them
if they would interest me, and make what use of them I pleased; and
that was how those from which I have gathered much of her story came
into my possession. And then she left us, and for a whole year we
heard nothing of her--not one word. Claudia chafed a little, and
complained, as women will when things do not arrange themselves
exactly as they would have ordered them; but I was content to wait,
and, because I expected nothing, the time did not seem so long as
perhaps it might have done. We lived our usual life--part of the year
in one of the eastern counties, and part in London, and then we came
north again. It was winter weather, frosty and clear and bright, and I
was tempted out a great deal, taking long rides, begun before sunset
and ending by moonlight, and generally alone. And always when the
world seemed most beautiful I thought of Ideala, and how she had loved
its beauty-- mountain and plain, flood and field, forest and flower,
the snow and the sunshine, and all the alternations of light and
shade; the wonders of form, and the depth and harmony of colour; the
blue sky by day, with its glories of sunrise and sunset; the dark sky
by night, with its moonlight and starlight--the sky always! that
cloudland to which, when we are wearied by the more monotonous earth,
we had only to lift our eyes and there the scene is changing for
ever--the sky--and the sea:
In all its vague immensity!
Would she ever see it again in the old way? When she left us one might
have said of her mental state:
O dark, dark, dark, amid the blaze of noon--
Irrecoverably dark, total eclipse
Without all hope of day!
And where was she now? and was she learning to see again? I own I
sometimes had the presumption to think that if she had stayed with us I
might have helped her. It seemed hardly credible that she should be
able to stand alone at such a time, not to speak of the strength
required to take her out of herself. And was not the loneliness itself
an added misery? She never could bear to be alone, and I always thought
the worst trial of her married life was the mental solitude to which it
had reduced her by making her feel the necessity for reserve, even with
her best friends. Of course she had chosen to go alone; it was quite
her own doing; but I could not help thinking, uneasily at times, that
she would not have gone at all if she had not noticed how anxious we
were about her, and fancied she could relieve us of our trouble by
relieving us of her presence. That would have been so like Ideala! And
then my thoughts would wander off, recalling her numberless little
deeds of love, her perfect selflessness, and all the depth and beauty
of her great and tender nature, as we do recall such things of one who
has gone and will nevermore return, as in the old days, to make us
glad. There was the day I had seen her from the club window stoop to
pick up a little ragged barefooted child that was crying in the street,
and wrap her furs about it and carry it off, smiling and happy, in her
arms, with no more thought of the attention such an action would
attract than if she had been alone with her waif in the desert. But
many and many a time, and in many a way, she had made glad hearts by
deeds like that; and now where was she? And was there never a one in
the whole wide world to help her to bear her own sorrow and ease her
pain?
One evening in particular I had been more than usually tormented by
such thoughts. I had been blaming myself bitterly for having allowed
her to go away alone, and when I rode up to my own door I was conscious
of a half-formed resolution to follow her without delay and bring her
back.
Claudia was standing on the steps in the crisp, fresh evening air,
apparently watching for me. She put her arms round my neck when I
alighted, and kissed me.
"Has she written?" I exclaimed, for Claudia was not demonstrative, and
this meant something.
"She is here," was the answer.
My heart gave a great leap, but I could not ask if it were well with
her. I could only look at Claudia, and wonder if it were the moonlight
that made the expression of her face so singularly content and sweet. I
went into the lighted house, and being somewhat dazed and altogether
too eager to see her at once, I dressed for the evening, leisurely, and
then I went to find her. There was a change in the house already. It
was lighted from top to bottom as befits a time of rejoicing, and our
other guests, whom I passed in my search, seemed gayer--or I fancied
so. She was not among them, but I took the liberty of going to her
rooms and knocked at the sitting-room door, and entered. She rose to
receive me, stretching out her hands, and my first impression was that
she had grown; afterwards I understood that it was a change in the
fashion of her dress that made it appear so. She wore a long robe,
exquisitely draped, which was loose, but yet clung to her, and fell in
rich folds about her with a grace that satisfied. I cannot describe the
fashion of this robe, or the form, but I have seen one like it
somewhere--it must have been in a picture, or on a statue of a grand
heroic woman or a saint; and it suggested something womanly and strong,
but not to be defined.
It was Ideala, herself--not as she had been, but as I always hoped she
would be, and felt she might. She showed the change in every gesture,
but most of all in her clear and steady eyes, which made you feel she
had a purpose now, and a future yet before her. She looked as women
look when they know themselves entrusted with a work, and have the
courage and resolution to be true and worthy of their trust. She was
very gracious, but somehow in the first moment of our meeting I felt
abashed--abashed before this woman who had gone down to the verge of
dishonour, but whose goodness, with the vitality of all goodness, had
raised her again above the best; whose trouble had been to her, because
of this goodness, as is a painful operation which must be gone through
if the patient would ever be strong.
I fancy she thought me cold because my great respect made me shy, and I
hesitated to show her all the joy I felt.
"Won't you kiss me once after my long, long voyage?" she said, holding
up her face like a child to be kissed. And it made me inexpressibly
glad, to perceive that, while gaining in dignity and purpose, her
character had lost none of the childlike faith and affection which had
been one of the greatest charms of the old Ideala. I could not help
examining her curiously, looking for traces of a conflict, for those
lines of suffering which are generally left by fierce mental troubles
like scars after a battle, showing that the fight has been no child's
play, but a struggle for life or death. Such a conflict there must have
been, but all trace of it was swept away by the wonderful peace that
had succeeded it. Ideala looked younger, certainly, but the change
showed itself most in her perfect serenity, and in the steadfast
earnestness of her wonderful eyes.
But I had no time to talk to her, for Claudia, in diamonds and velvet
and lace--her donning of which is her one way of expressing a
satisfaction too deep for words--blazed in upon us. If it had occurred
so her, she would certainly have had the bells of the parish rung--
provided my authority as lay Rector could have accomplished such an
extravagance. She took us away with her now to join our other guests,
and when dinner was announced I offered Ideala my arm. She was silent
as we went, but looked about her with a grave little smile on her lips,
renewing her acquaintance with familiar objects, and noting every
change. And so busy was she with her own reflections, so thoroughly
absorbed, that, when we were seated at table, she put her serviette
beside her plate and her bread on her lap mechanically, and took up her
knife and fork to eat her soup. She seemed puzzled for a moment when
she found that the implements did not answer, and then she laughed!
Such a fresh, girlish laugh! It did one's heart good to hear her! Yes,
verily! Ideala was herself again, absent-mindedness and all.
And before dinner was over a wonderful thing had happened. For whereas
we had hitherto been the most commonplace and prosaic party imaginable,
getting along smoothly, taking no particular interest in each other, or
in anything else, and only remarkable for a degree of dulness which
would have astonished us by its bulk could it have been weighed and
measured--to-night, for no apparent reason, we suddenly woke up and
astounded ourselves by more originality than we had been accustomed to
believe was left in the world altogether--while something put into our
conversation just the right amount of polite friction to act as a
counter-irritant, so that, when we left the table, each felt that he
had been at his best--had been brilliant, in fact, and shone with
lustre enough to make any man happy.
Once in a London theatre I saw an actress walk across the stage. She
did not utter a word, she never looked at the audience, she was
apparently unconscious of everything but what she had in her own mind;
yet before she was half across the stage the people rose to their feet
with a roar. Ideala's coming amongst us had produced some such
startling effect; but _her_ power was altogether occult. The audience
knew what the actress meant, but we did not understand Ideala, and yet
we applauded by laying our best before her, and acknowledged the charm
of her presence in every word. She spoke very little, however. Indeed,
I remember nothing she said until we went to the drawing-room. On the
way thither Claudia had picked up a crumpled paper, and, glancing at
it, had exclaimed--"Why, Ideala, here are some of your verses! Do you
still write verses?"
It was curious that we all spoke as if she had been away for years.
"Yes," she answered, tranquilly; and Claudia coolly proceeded to read
the verses aloud, a difficult task, as they were scribbled in pencil on
half a sheet of note-paper, and were scarcely decipherable. Ideala,
meanwhile, listened, with calm eyes fixed on vacancy, like one trying
to be polite, but finding it hard for lack of interest.
"By Arno, when the tale was o'er,
At sunset, as in days of yore,
I wandered forth and dreamed.
The sky above, the town below.
The solemn river's silent flow,
The ancient story-haunts I know,
In varied colours gleamed.
By Arno calm my steps I stayed,
Just where the river's bank displayed
A tangled growth of weeds;
Tall houses near, and on the right
An arched bridge upreared its height,
And boats drew near, and passed from sight--
I heard the tramp of steeds.
I heard, and saw, but heeded not;
My feet were rooted to the spot,
A fancy checked my breath.
'Twas here that Tito lay, I knew.
His fair face upward to the blue,
His velvet tunic soaking through,
Most beautiful in death.
But Baldassarre was not there,
'Twas I that stooped to kiss the hair,
Besprent with ooze and dew.
Ah, God! light gold the locks caressed--
I saw no Greek in velvet dressed--
But wildly to my bosom pressed--
Not Tito, love, but you!
The massive, godlike head and throat
Belonged not to those days remote,
The fine grey eye--the limb;
It was the soul I know so well,
So full of earth, and heaven, and hell,
That came from out that time to dwell
In you and make you him.
And I, the victim of your smiles,
And I, the victim of your wiles,
My vengeance shall prevail.
The river Time shall float you nigh,
And earth and hell your soul shall fly.
And only heaven remain when I
The deed triumphant hail!"
It surprised me to find that Claudia could read those verses to the
end, their import--to me, at least--was so obvious. But Ideala
continued unmoved; and when the little buzz of friendly criticism had
subsided, she remarked, with unimpassioned directness:
"I am quite sure that all my verses are rubbish; but nevertheless they
delight me. I should feel dumb without the power to make verses; it is
a means of expression that satisfies when nothing else will. I always
carry my last about in my pocket. I know them by heart, of course, but
still it is a pleasure to read them; and so it continues until I write
some more; and then I immediately perceive that the old ones are bad,
and I destroy them--when I remember. Those were condemned ages ago, so
please oblige me, Claudia, by putting them into the fire."
Claudia was about to obey, but I interposed. I had a fancy for keeping
those verses. They are rubbishy if you will; but the sentiment which
struggles to find expression in them is far from despicable.
No one smoked that evening; no one played billiards; no one cared for
music; we just sat round the fire in a circle, and talked.
"And where have you come from, Ideala?" was the first question.
"From China," she answered.
There was a general exclamation. "I have been with the missionaries in
China," she added.
"Oh, isn't it very strange, the life in China?" some one asked.
"It looks different," she said, "but its feels like our own. To begin
with, one is struck by the strange appearance of the people, and the
quaint humour of their art; but when the first effect wears off, and
you learn to know them, you find after all that theirs is the same
human nature, only in another garb; the familiar old tune, as it were,
with a new set of variations. The like in unlikeness is common enough,
but still the finding of a remarkable similarity in things apparently
unlike continues to surprise us."
"But, Ideala, you cannot compare the Chinese to ourselves! Think of the
state of degradation the people are in! Every crime is rife among them
--infanticide is quite common!"
"Yes," said Ideala, as, if it were the most natural thing in the world.
"Yes, doubtless, the lower classes in China kill their children; here,
in certain districts, they insure them," Ideala concluded gravely.
"But then," said Claudia--"Oh! Ideala, I don't think you can establish
your parallel. We all know the sort of a life a Chinese lady leads."
"When the lady is not at the head of her house it is certainly
vacuous," Ideala agreed, "like the lives of our own ladies when they
are not forced to do anything. Why, at Scarborough this year they had
to take to changing their dresses four times a day; so you can imagine
how they languish for want of occupation."
"Well, at all events, English girls are not sold into a hateful form of
slavery," some one observed contentedly.
"Are they not?" Ideala rejoined with a flash. "I can assure you that
both women and men, fathers, husbands, and brothers, of the same class
in England, do sell their young girls--and I can prove it."
"We have the pull over them in the matter of marriage, then. We don't
give our daughters away against their will as they do."
"That is not a fair way of putting it. A Chinese girl expects to be so
disposed of, and accepts the arrangement as a matter of course. And the
system has its advantages. The girl has no illusions to be shattered,
she expects no new happiness in her married life, so that any that
comes to her is clear gain. As to our daughters' inclinations not being
forced, I suppose they are not, exactly. But have you never been
conscious of the tender pressure that is brought to bear when a
desirable suitor offers? Have you never seen a girl who won't marry
when she is wanted to, wincing from covert stabs, mourning over cold
looks, and made to feel outside everything--suffering a small martyrdom
under the general displeasure of all for whom she cares, her world,
without whose love life is a burden to her; whom she believes to know
best about everything? As Mrs. Bread said about Madame de Cintre: 'She
is a delicate creature, and they make her feel wicked'--and she ends by
thinking any sacrifice light at the moment, if only it wins her back
the affection and esteem of her friends."
Ideala had been carried away by her earnestness, and now she stopped
abruptly, somewhat disconcerted to find every one listening to her. The
ladies sat with their eyes on the floor, the gentlemen exchanged
glances, but no one spoke for some time.
At last my sister made a move, and the spell was broken. We separated
for the night, and many were the lady-like whispers that reached my
ears, all ending in: "So like Ideala!"
But, as Ideala herself remarked on another occasion, "You can't sweep a
room that requires it without raising a dust; the thing is to let the
dust settle again, and then remove it."