"We doubt," says a contemporary, "if the Government has effected much
by refusing to let Dr. MANNIX land on Irish shores." We agree. What
is most wanted at the moment is that the Government should land on
Ireland.
* * *
We feel that the time is now ripe for somebody to pop up with the
suggestion that the wet summer has been caused by the shooting in
Belfast.
* * *
Manchester City Council has decided to purchase the famous Free Trade
Hall for the sum of ninety thousand pounds. A thorough search for
the Sacred Principles of Liberalism, which are said to be concealed
somewhere in the basement, will be undertaken as soon as the property
changes hands.
* * *
There is no truth in the report that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, after listening
to the grand howl of the Wolf Cubs at Olympia, declared that it was a
very tame affair for anyone used to listening to Mr. DEVLIN.
* * *
"Kangaroos and wallabies," says a Colonial journalist, "are about the
only things that the Australian sportsman can chase." Members of the
M.C.C. team declare that they expect to change all that.
* * *
Reports that the gold had been removed from the Bank of Ireland to
this country for the sake of safety have caused consternation in
Dublin. There was always a possibility, the Irish say, that the Sinn
Feiners might not lay hands on the stuff, but there isn't one chance
in a hundred of it getting past Sir ERIC GEDDES.
* * *
_À propos_ of the growing reluctance on the part of railway servants
to take tips from holiday-makers, it appears that they are merely
following the example set by the higher officials. We have positive
information that only a week or so since Sir ERIC GEDDES flatly
refused to take a tip from _The Daily Mail_.
* * *
While approving in principle of the proposal that the finger-prints of
all children should be registered, Government officials point out that
the expense would certainly be out of all proportion to the advantage
obtained, in view of the prevailing high prices of jam.
* * *
There is just this one consolation about the weather of late. So far
the Government have not placed a tax on rain.
* * *
"Soldiers are very dissatisfied with the way in which ex-service men
are now being treated," states a Sunday paper. We understand that, if
this dissatisfaction should spread, Mr. CHURCHILL may call upon the
Army to resign.
* * *
After exhaustive experiments Signor MARCONI has failed to obtain
any wireless message from Mars. Much anxiety is being felt by those
persons having friends or mining shares there.
* * *
The youngest son of Sir ERIC GEDDES is learning to play golf. It
is hoped by this plan to keep his mind off thoughts of a political
career.
* * *
A reader living in Aberdeen informs us that the last batch of Scotch
refugees arrived from England last Thursday in an exhausted condition.
* * *
"Cats are very poor swimmers," states a writer in a weekly journal.
This no doubt accounts for the exceptionally high infantile mortality
among these domestic pets.
* * *
Last week a wedding at Ibstock, Leicestershire, had to be postponed
after the ceremony had already begun, owing to the failure of the
Registrar to appear. It was not until the best man, who denied having
mislaid the Registrar, had been thoroughly searched that the ceremony
was abandoned.
* * *
A burglar accused of stealing sixteen volumes of classical poetry was
sentenced to a month's imprisonment. The defence that he was insane
was evidently ignored.
* * *
The Westminster magistrate, the other day, described a prisoner as "a
very clever thief." It is said that the fellow intends printing this
testimonial on his letter-paper.
* * *
A man knocked down by a racing motorist in New York is reported to
have had both legs and an arm fractured, several ribs broken, and
other injuries. Motorists in this country incline to the theory that
it was the work of an amateur.
* * *
A Swiss guide recently discovered a chamois within sixty feet of the
summit of the Jungfrau. Only on receiving the most explicit assurance
that the Fourth Internationale would not be held at Grindelwald would
the creature consent to resume its proper place in the landscape.
* * *
According to the conductor of the Southern Syncopated Orchestra the
modern fox-trot has been evolved from a primitive negro dance called
"The Blues." The theory that the Blues are the logical outcome of a
primitive negro dance called the fox-trot is thus exploded.
* * *
A gentleman advertises for an island for men who are fed up with
taxation. We can only say that Great Britain is just the very place.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _The Laird._ "NOW, WHO ON EARTH MIGHT THOSE PEOPLE BE,
DONALD, DRESSED LIKE TOURISTS?"]
* * * * *
"In some ways the American woman, it must be confessed, can give
we English points on good dressing."--_Evening Paper._
She might now extend her beneficence and include some points on
syntax.
* * * * *
"The clergy had to work far more than forty-eight hours per day,
but their pay was quite inadequate."--_Local Paper._
We don't see how it would be possible to give adequate remuneration
for such a feat.
* * * * *
=IN DEFENCE OF DOROTHY.=
I was greatly pained to read, the other day, in one of our leading
dailies a most violent and uncalled-for attack on a popular favourite.
Perhaps I should say one who _was_ popular, for, alas, favourites have
their day, and no doubt this attack was but to demolish the reputation
of the setting star and enhance that of a rising one. Still it was
unnecessarily churlish; it criticised not only the colour of her
complexion, the exuberance of her presence, but her very name was held
up to ridicule, the fault surely of her god-parents.
There has been, not unnaturally, quite a sensation in her circle over
this attack; Papa Gontier and Maman Cochet clasped each other's
hands in sympathy and said, "What will people say next of _us_, a
respectable and time-honoured old couple, if they flout pretty popular
little Dorothy Perkins?" "Of course, if people who live in a brand-new
red-brick villa choose to invite Dorothy into their garden, one
can't expect her to look her best; but, after all, there's only that
languishing Stella Gray who can stand such a trial as that, and
perhaps the stout Frau Druschki." "She, poor thing, is quite out of
favour just now--hardly mentioned in polite society. Quite under a
cloud; in fact a greeting from Teplitz is the only one she gets."
"Now William Allen Richardson (there's a ridiculous long name, if you
like!) was saying only yesterday how grateful we should all feel to
dear Dorothy, who never seems to mind the weather and cheers us up
when all else fails." "I must say I don't feel quite sure of William's
sincerity, he is so very changeable, you know, and does not _really_
care to be seen in Dorothy's company."
Pretty little Mme. Laurette Messimé was quite hanging her head about
it all. "_I_ live in harmony with _all_ my neighbours," she simpered.
"Ah, yes," flaunted Lady Gay, in that unblushing manner of hers,
"that's very easy to do for colourless people." At this Caroline
Testout turned quite pale and stuttered, "Well, Dorothy _does_ scream
so." "Hush, hush, my children," said the deep voice of the venerable
Marshal Niel. Though yellow with extreme old age the old gentleman
bore himself proudly and his dress was glossy and clean. "We all have
our place in the world. Let carping critics say what they please,
whether it is Dorothy in her gay gown or Liberty in her revolutionary
wear, our showy American cousins, our well-beloved Scotch relations,
or our Persian guests--they are _all_ welcome, _all_ beautiful."
"Hear, hear!" murmured the other roses.
* * * * *
=MORE MARGOBIOGRAPHY.=
PROPOSALS--CARLYLE--BISMARCK--DISRAELI--A NEW BROWNING POEM--NAPOLEON
ON LIVING BRITISH STATESMEN.
[Readers of the vivacious but too reticent serial now appearing in
_The Sunday Times_ may have noticed that the narrative is now and
then interrupted by a row of what Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL, during
one of his conversations with Mrs. ASQUITH and JOWETT, called (to
the immense delight of the MASTER OF BALLIOL) "those damned dots."
Mr. Punch has, at fabulous expense, acquired the right to
publish certain of the omitted passages, a selection of which is
appended.]
=Many Admirers.=
No sooner was I in my earliest teens and had made up my mind as to
the best cigarettes, than proposals began to be a matter of daily
occurrence, so that whenever I saw the fifth footman or the third
butler stealthily approaching me I knew that he was concealing a
_billet doux_. Sometimes they were very flattering. Here is one,
written in the big boyish hand of a Prince of the Blood:--
My beautiful, there is no one like you. They want me to marry the
daughter of a royal house, but if you will say "Yes" I will defy
them. We will be married by the Archbishop, who marries and buries
so beautifully; but I shall never need burying, because those who
marry you never die.
Poor boy, I had to send him a negative by the fifteenth groom in the
third phaeton, drawn by a pair of dashing chestnuts which another of
my unsuccessful adorers had given me. I noticed that when they got
back to Grosvenor Square the chestnuts had turned to greys.
=The Sage of Chelsea.=
THOMAS CARLYLE loved to have me trotting in and out of his house in
Cheyne Row, and we had endless talks on the desirability of silence.
"Yon wee Meg," he used to say, for he refused to call me "Margot,"
declaring it was a Frenchified name--"yon wee Meg is the cleverest
girl in Scotland--and the wittiest."