WITHIN AND WITHOUT.
After speaking to Canon Pascal for a few minutes, with an agitation and
a reserve which he could not but observe, Phebe left the house to go
home. In one of the darkest corners of the cloisters she caught sight of
the figure of Jean Merle, watching for her to come out. For an instant
Phebe paused, as if to speak to him once more; but her heart was
over-fraught with conflicting emotions, whilst bewildering thoughts
oppressed her brain. She longed for a solitary walk homewards, along the
two or three miles of a crowded thoroughfare, where she could how feel
as much alone as she had ever done on the solitary uplands about her
birth-place. She had always delighted to ramble about the streets alone
after nightfall, catching brief glimpses of the great out-door
population, who were content if they could get a shelter for their heads
during the few, short hours they could give to sleep, without indulging
in the luxury of a home. When talking to them she could return to the
rustic and homely dialect of her childhood; and from her own early
experience she could understand their wants, and look at them from their
stand-point, whilst feeling for them a sympathy and pity intensified by
the education which had lifted her above them.
But to-night she passed along the busy streets both deaf and dumb,
mechanically choosing the right way between the Abbey and her home,
nearly three miles away. There was only one circumstance of which she
was conscious--that Jean Merle was following her. Possibly he was afraid
in the depths of his heart that she would fail him when she came to
deliberately consider all he had told her. He wronged her, she said to
herself indignantly. Still, whenever she turned her head she caught
sight of his tall, bent figure and gray head, stealing after her at some
distance, but never losing her. So mournful was it to Phebe, to see her
oldest and her dearest friend thus dogging her footsteps, that once or
twice she paused at a street corner to give him time to overtake her;
but he kept aloof. He wished only to see where she lived, for there also
lived Felicita and Hilda.
She turned at last into the square where their house was. It was
brilliantly lighted up, for Felicita was having one of her rare
receptions that evening, and in another hour or two the rooms would be
filled with guests. It was too early yet, and Hilda was playing on her
piano in the drawing-room, the merry notes ringing out into the quiet
night. There was a side door to Phebe's studio, by which she could go in
and out at pleasure, and she stood at it trying to fit her latch-key
into the lock with her trembling hands. Looking back she saw Jean Merle
some little distance away, leaning against the railings that enclosed
the Square garden.
"Oh! I must run back to him! I must speak to him again!" she cried to
her own heart. In another instant she was at his side, with her hands
clasping his.
"Oh!" she sobbed, "what can I do for you? This is too miserable for you;
and for me as well. Tell me what I can do."
"Nothing," he answered. "Why, you make me feel as if I had sinned again
in telling you all this. I ought not to have troubled your happy heart
with my sorrow."
"It was not you," she said, "you did not even come to tell me; God
brought you. I can bear it. But oh! to see you shut out, and inside,
yonder, Hilda is playing, and Felix, perhaps, is there. They will be
singing by-and-by, and never know who is standing outside, in the foggy
night, listening to them."
Her voice broke into sobs, but Jean Merle did not notice them.
"And Felicita?" he said.
Phebe could not answer him for weeping. Just yet she could hardly bring
herself to think distinctly of Felicita; though in fact her thoughts
were full of her. She ran back to her private door, and this time opened
it readily. There was a low light in the studio from a shaded lamp
standing on the chimney-piece, which made the hearth bright, but left
all the rest of the room in shadow. Phebe threw off her bonnet and cloak
with a very heavy and troubled sigh.
"What can make you sigh, Phebe?" asked a low-toned and plaintive voice.
In the chair by the fire-place, pushed out of the circle of the light,
she saw Felicita leaning back, and looking up at her. The beauty of her
face had never struck harshly upon Phebe until now; at this moment it
was absolutely painful to her. The rich folds of her velvet dress, and
the soft and costly lace of her head-dress, distinct from though
resembling a widow's cap, set off both her face and figure to the utmost
advantage. Phebe's eyes seemed to behold her more distinctly and vividly
than they had done for some years past; for she was looking through them
with a dark background for what she saw in her own brain. She was a
strikingly beautiful woman; but the thought of what anguish and dread
had been concealed under her reserved and stately air, so cold yet so
gentle, filled Phebe's soul with a sudden terror. What an awful life of
self-approved, stoical falsehood she had been living! She could see the
man, from whom she had just parted, standing without, homeless and
friendless, on the verge of pennilessness; a dead man in a living world,
cut off from all the ties and duties of the home and the society he
loved. But to Phebe he did not appear so wretched as Felicita was.
She sank down on a seat near Felicita, with such a feeling of
heart-sickness and heart-faintness as she had never experienced before.
The dreariness and perplexity of the present stretched before her into
the coming years. For almost the first time in her life she felt
worn-out; physically weary and exhausted, as if her strength had been
overtaxed. Her childhood on the fresh, breezy uplands, and her happy,
tranquil temperament had hitherto kept her in perfect health. But now
she felt as if the sins of those whom she had loved so tenderly and
loyally touched the very springs of her life. She could have shared any
other burden with them, and borne it with an unbroken spirit and an
uncrushed heart. But such a sin as this, so full of woe and bewilderment
to them all, entangled her soul also in its poisonous web.
"Why did you sigh so bitterly?" asked Felicita again.
"The world is so full of misery," she answered, in a tremulous and
troubled voice; "its happiness is such a mockery!"
"Have you found that out at last, dear Phebe?" said Felicita. "I have
been telling you so for years. The Son of Man fainting under the
Cross--that is the true emblem of human life. Even He had not strength
enough to bear His cross to the place called Golgotha. Whenever I think
of what most truly represents our life here, I see Jesus, faltering
along the rough road, with Simon behind Him, whom they compelled to bear
His cross."
"He fainted under the sins of the world," murmured Phebe. "It is
possible to bear the sorrows of others; but oh! it is hard to carry
their sins."
"We all find that out," said Felicita, her face growing wan and white
even to the lips. "Can one man do evil without the whole world suffering
for it? Does the effect of a sin ever die out? What is done cannot be
undone through all eternity. There is the wretchedness of it, Phebe."
"I never felt it as I do now," she answered.
"Because you have kept yourself free from earthly ties," said Felicita
mournfully; "you have neither husband nor child to increase your power
of suffering a hundred-fold. I am entering upon another term of
tribulation in Felix and Hilda. If I had only been like you, dear Phebe,
I could have passed through life as happily as you do; but my life has
never belonged to myself; it has been forced to run in channels made by
others."
Somewhere in the house behind them a door was left open accidentally,
and the sound of Hilda's piano and of voices singing broke in upon the
quiet studio. Phebe listened to them, and thought of the desolate,
broken-hearted man without, who was listening too. The clear young
voices of their children fell upon his ears as upon Felicita's; so near
they were to one another, yet so far apart. She shivered and drew nearer
to the fire.
"I feel as cold as if I was a poor outcast in the streets," she said.
"And I, too," responded Felicita; "but oh! Phebe, do not you lose heart
and courage, like me. You have always seemed in the sunshine, and I have
looked up to you and felt cheered. Don't come down into the darkness to
me."
Phebe could not answer, for the darkness was closing round her. Until
now there had happened no perplexity in her life which made it difficult
to decide upon the right or the wrong. But here was come a coil. The
long years had reconciled her to Roland's death, and made the memory of
him sacred and sorrowfully sweet, to be brooded over in solitary hours
in the silent depths of her loyal heart. But he was alive again, with
no right to be alive, having no explanation to give which could
reinstate him in his old position. And Felicita? Oh! what a cruel,
unwomanly wrong Felicita had been guilty of! She could not command her
voice to speak again.
"I must go," said Felicita, at last. "I wish I had not invited visitors
for to-night."
"I cannot come in this evening," Phebe answered; "but Felix is there,
and Canon Pascal is coming. You will do very well without me."
She breathed more freely when Felicita was gone. The dimly-lighted
studio, with the canvases she was at work upon, and the pictures she had
painted hanging on the walls, and her easels standing as she had left
them three or four hours ago, when the early dusk came on, soothed her
agitated spirit now she was alone. She moved slowly about, putting
everything into its place, and feeling as if her thoughts grew more
orderly as she did so. When all was done she opened the outer door
stealthily, and peeped out. Yes; he was there, leaning against the
railings, and looking up at the brilliantly-lighted windows. Carriages
were driving up and setting down Felicita's guests. Phebe's heart cried
out against the contrast between the lives of these two. She longed to
run out and stand beside him in the darkness and dampness of the
November night. But what good could she do? she asked bitterly. She did
not dare even to ask him in to sit beside her studio fire. The same roof
could not cover him and Felicita, without unspeakable pain to him.
It was late before the house was quiet, and long after midnight when the
last light was put out. That was in Phebe's bedroom, and once again she
looked out, and saw the motionless figure, looking black amidst the
general darkness, as if it had never stirred since she had seen it
first. But whilst she was gazing, with quivering mouth and tear-dimmed
eyes, a policeman came up and spoke to Jean Merle, giving him an
authoritative shake, which seemed to arouse him. He moved gently away,
closely followed by the policeman till he passed out of her sight.
There was no sleep for Phebe; she did not want to sleep. All night long
her brain was awake and busy; but it found no way out of the coil. Who
can make a crooked thing straight? or undo that which has been done?