He must have been kneeling there a long time. His forehead was numb
from pressing on the ridged tapestry of the couch. At least you don’t
need the light on when you’re trying to pray. The bills are big enough
as it is. He rose stiffly and snicked off the current.
At the foot of the stair he paused. If Joyce were awake he might hear
her stir. His hand gripped the carved newel, then slid onto the smooth
ascent of the banister rail. He stood a moment, and turned away.
* * * * *
The bedroom was dim. The blinds were not all the way down, dregs of
that sparkling moonlight flowed underneath. Phyllis was asleep, he
could see her head against the white linen. She lay as she always
did, at the far side of the bed, turned away from the door, her arms
crossed, one hand perching on her shoulder, the other tucked under the
pillow. He went softly round the foot of the bed, stepping aside to
avoid her slippers. He knew by instinct exactly where they would be.
Crouched at the bedside, he slid one arm under the pillow to find her
hand. His fingers met a small damp handkerchief.
He gathered her into his arms. Out of some far-off vacancy she moved
drowsily and welcomed him home. They knew every curve of their old
embrace. Here was no fear and no doubting. Here was his consolation.
Who was ever more beautiful? The tiny flattened handkerchief, was it
not a pathetic symbol of the bruised mercies of love? Ah, be slow
to mock the plain, simplest things: good-byes, angers, fidelities,
renunciations.
He held her close and more close. Then, with a gruesome pang, he
checked the name that was on his lips. In the poor comedy of his heart
there was room for but one thought: gratitude to Joyce; Joyce who in
the unstained bravery of her spirit had taught him anew the worth and
miracle of love and whose only reward had been suffering. Her name, so
long echoed in his unuttered voice, now filled his mind and terrified
him. Here, with Phyllis in his arms, he was thinking of her; this frail
ghost of passion came between them. In physical sickness his embrace
grew faint. It could not be: the last scruple of his manhood revolted
against this consummate deceit.
Still half in dream, Phyllis divined him laggard. She crept closer.
“Oh, Martin, Martin,” she whispered. “I knew you’d come.”
* * * * *
Now he knew where the dark current of the hours had been bearing him.
Nothing else was possible. Quietly, without anger or surprise, in the
relief of one free to face his destiny, he left the room and went down
the stair. His hand was out to turn the knob when he saw that Joyce’s
door was opening toward him.