"Out of every thousand men in the Army there are now 815 of superior
education.... H.R.H. the Field-Marshal Commander-in-Chief has
directed Officers to use every means at their disposal to induce men
to improve their education in order to obtain the certificate
necessary for promotion."--_Daily Paper._
SCENE--_The Barrack Square of the Royal Irish Bengal Essex Highlanders
(Prince Christian of Schleswig-Holstein's Own). Members of the Regiment
assembling for Morning Parade. A Company falling in._
_Captain Dash (commanding A Company)._ Ready for inspection, Sergeant?
_Sergeant Babington Macaulay (saluting)._ Directly, Sir. I have called
away the men from a discussion on the question of entail.
_Captain_. Dear me! You should not have done that. I shall be only too
ready to assist them by any means in my power.
_Sergeant._ Well, Sir, they are now in close order. If you wish, I will
open them out. (_Captain nods assent. To men._) Open order! [_Flank
files rear rank step back two paces._
_Corporal (dressing flank files)._ Steady!
_Sergeant._ March! (_Remainder of rear rank step back._) Order arms!
Stand at ease! [_He salutes_ Captain, _and comes to attention_.
_Captain._ 'Tention! (_Company springs up to desired position._) Now, my
men, I hear that some of you require to know something about the Law of
Entail. Now those of you who have taken any certificate from a
University can take a pace to the front. March! (_The entire Company
complies._) Dear me! You seem to be very well educated. Eh, Sergeant?
_Sergeant._ Well, pretty well, Sir. We are not equal to E Company,
although we can hold our own fairly against B, C, D, F, and G. As for H
Company, it is out of the competition altogether. H Company is the best
read Company in the Battalion, if not in the Regiment.
_Captain._ Well, what is the difficulty? Call out the man who started
the subject. Perhaps I may be able to help him.
_Sergeant (salutes and turns to Company)._ Private THOMAS ATKINS take
three paces to your front. March! Now then, salute, Sir! (_Aside._) This
extra education makes them rusty with their drill.
_Captain._ Well, Private ATKINS, can I help you at all?
_Private Atkins (touching his rifle with his right hand)._ A thousand
thanks, Sir, for your extreme kindness and courtesy. Still I cannot
fairly monopolise all your attention, as I was only one of many desirous
of learning a little law.
_Captain._ I suppose you know all about the Feudal System?
_Private (smiling)._ I can safely undertake to say that there is not a
man in the Company who does not appreciate its provisions.
_Captain._ Quite so. Well, the practice of entail is founded more or
less on the Feudal System. You understand the advantages and
disadvantages of Primogeniture?
_Private._ Certainly, Sir. I suppose Borough English was rather before
the time of the Norman Conquest?
_Captain._ I imagine so: but perhaps the best way will be for you all to
come to my quarters, where I can explain the matter more fully to you
than I can here. I have no doubt the Colonel will excuse the Company, if
I inform him for what purpose we propose absenting ourselves. At any
rate I will ask him.
_Private._ A million thanks, Sir. I am sure every man in the Company
will be grateful to you.
_Sergeant._ Right about turn! Quick march! Halt! Front! Shoulder arms!
_Captain._ Stand them easy while I go away. (Sergeant _obeys order, and_
Captain _approaches and salutes_ Colonel.) Beg pardon, Sir, but may I
march my Company to my quarters to give them a lecture on law?
_Colonel (rather querulously)._ Well, DASH, of course I'm not going to
say No; but it really is rather rough upon me. Here B Company has got
permission to study botany, C Company the elements of engineering, D, F,
and G chemistry. I shall be left with H Company, because they have
nothing more to learn. What on earth shall I give them to do if you are
off too?
_Captain._ Wouldn't presume to suggest, Sir; but mightn't H have a
little practice in the rudiments of drill?
_Colonel._ By Jove, you are right! They are rusty enough! Very well, you
may go.
[_Scene closes in upon A Company marching towards_ Captain DASH'S
_quarters, while the Adjutant gets H Company (with some difficulty) into
something like a proper formation for receiving elementary instruction
in the mysteries of "fours_."
* * * * *
A CIRCULAR NOTE.--The literary character of our leading statesmen of all
shades of political opinion is well sustained at the present day. They
are learned in all the 'ologies, including ap-ologies, of which art Mr.
GLADSTONE and Mr. BALFOUR are by this time past-masters. Long may they
live--and learn.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE IRREVOCABLE PAST!
"This is truth the Poet sings,
That a sorrow's crown of sorrow is remembering happier things!"
"ALAS! IN LOOKING BACK OVER ONE'S LIFE, HOW MANY THINGS THERE ARE TO
CAUSE ONE TO REGRET!"
"OH, YES, INDEED! I OFTEN REGRET I DIDN'T EAT MORE OYSTERS WHEN THEY
WERE EIGHTPENCE A DOZEN!"]
* * * * *