Where are _you_ bound? Haul on the bowline; brace up amidships; sling
your hammock; belay all hands and stand by ready to pounce.
Excuse this little outburst. The fact is, I am about to cut for awhile
landlubber associations, and am going cruising in my _Pandora's_ box, or
rather berth. My sea lingo is getting a little rusty, so I practise it
wherever I have an opportunity, and thought you wouldn't mind my making
one with you. I am going off to spend Christmas and New Year's time at
Pau. You've heard of Pau, of course? I was first attracted to the place
by coming across the beautiful line from GOLDSMITH--or was it BACON?
"Or by the lazy Scheldt or wandering Pau."
I'm not at all drawn towards the Scheldt. I never was lazy myself, and
have no sympathy with laziness in others. But it is different with Pau,
don't you know. I have been tied to the desk too long. I had a heavy
time of it during the Parliamentary Session. They used to chaff me about
being "on the pounce." It is all very well, but the attitude is one
which, preserved through successive nights, becomes exhausting. I have
had enough of it, and feel a strong desire to wander. The Pau is
wandering. Why should we not wander together, arm in arm as it were?
Anyhow, I mean to try. So bear a hand with your lee-scuppers; haul
round the mainmast, up with your hatches, and keep the helm hard down on
the South-West-by-East-Half-East. I have pounced enough on the
Parnellites. Now I shall pounce on Pau.
I feel the necessity for taking a good rest, for I know we are going to
have it pretty stiff next Session. B-LF-R, who is getting more cocky
than ever, goes about comforting us with assurances that he will make
matters smooth. "Is there anyone particular you can't abear?" he said to
me only yesterday, with an annoying air of patronage. "Is there anyone
of the Irish Members you would like put out of the way for the earliest
and freshest months of the Session? If so, name your man, and I'll
oblige you. I have got six of 'em lagged now, and there's a clear six
weeks before Parliament meets. It's amazing how we can smooth the way by
then."
I don't altogether like this solicitude on the part of B-LF-R for making
smooth water in the House next Session. There is a persistent rumour
about that he thinks he can lead the House better than anyone else, and
that the Markiss is inclined to humour him. He has never said this in
private conversation with me, though he has not made any attempt to
disguise his conviction that he could take charge of the Army, the Navy,
the Home Office, the Board of Trade, or even the Exchequer. Now I come
to think of it, he may, in talking to G-SCH-N, leave out reference to
the Exchequer, and substitute the Leadership of the House of Commons,
and so with the others. I should certainly like to see him in my place
for a week, with GR-ND-LPH on the corner of the bench behind. It is true
that of late GR-ND-LPH has considerably flattened down. Having found
that impudence and caprice don't pay, he is going in for dulness and
respectability. But I fancy the sight of ARTH-R B-LF-R leading the
House, and trying to lead him, would be too much. The swept and
garnished place would be reoccupied, and his last state would be worse
than his first. B-LF-R can't very well send him to a plank bed, and will
have to make the best of him.
I rather fancy GR-ND-LPH must know, or think he knows, something about
this little plot for promoting the nephew, which accounts for his latest
impertinence. "And what title do you mean to take when you go to the
House of Lords, H. W.?" he asked me the other day. (He always calls me
"H. W." which he thinks is an improvement upon DIZZY'S hesitation as to
the sequence of the initials.) "How would Baron BOOKSTALL suit?" he
added, trying to look harmless. That only shows the inherent vulgarity
which underlies the thin veneer of his sometime courtly manner. I never
forget what the Markiss once said about him. "Scratch R-ND-LPH
CH-RCH-LL," said he, "and you'll find TIM H-LY," which I thought at the
time was a little hard on T-M.
You will not, I trust, dear TOBY, take it for granted that I am
contemplating a near removal to the House of Lords, if I confess that I
_have_ sometimes thought over the title I should assume if my duty to my
country led me to change my state. I belong, as you know, to one of the
oldest families among mankind. It's all very well for BR-SS-Y to talk
about coming over with the Conqueror. We came in with the Flood, or
shortly after. TUBAL CAIN, the founder of our family, was a century or
two before BOIS DE GUILBERT, FRONT-DE-BOEF, or even the SIEUR DE
BRESCI. What do you think of Lord TUBAL-CAIN? Would you recognise in
that stately and ermined peer, TUBAL-CAIN, of Henley, your old friend of
217, Strand? I wis not. But that, as GL-DST-NE says, belongs to the dim
and distant future. I beg to move that the question be now put. Oars!
Steady, there! Pull away!
Yours, sheer off,
W. H. SM-TH.
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