"The longest way round is often the shortest way home."--_Old Proverb._
I was not more than eight or nine years old when the following anecdote
was related to me by the actor or sufferer, whichever he might be called,
himself. He was a fine stately old gentleman. His family had once been
powerful; but in the troubles with which the page of Ireland's history is
filled and darkened, they had been reduced, and he, fleeced by a
treacherous guardian of the last remnant of the property, had been
compelled to accept the influence of friends in procuring him a
commission in the civil service (for in war he would not serve them) of a
government which he loathed.
He was of a stern and rather gloomy disposition, and rarely condescended
to social or pleasant conversation, much less to notice children; but
sometimes the genial fire within would thaw the icy surface, and diffuse
life and light around. The bow could not be kept ever bent: the garrison
was too feeble to keep constant watch and ward, and a view would be
sometimes gained, through an open door, of a heart fitted by nature to
give and receive all sublunary happiness. I heard his history long after
his career had closed. But it has nothing to do with the present
story--another time for it.
I had been playing marbles with my cousin and playfellows; we quarrelled,
and were proceeding to blows, when Mr M----, who was sitting, unobserved
by us, on a stone bench, and had witnessed our dispute, called to us both
to approach him. He took one on each knee, and looking alternately at us,
said, in a tone so mild and different from his usual harsh commanding
voice, that we could scarcely think it was the same man who spoke, "Boys,
beware of sudden ungovernable passion; under its influence you might
commit, in one moment, an act which would embitter, with remorse and vain
regret, all your subsequent life.
"When a young man, I once suffered so keenly the consequence of my
ungovernable temper, that were I to live a thousand years, I could not
forget it. I see that your curiosity is excited, and you would like to
hear the circumstance; but it is connected with a ghost story, and I must
tell you all." "Oh! do, Mr M----," said I, "for papa says there are no
such things as ghosts or fairies, and nurse says there are; and nurse
never tells lies, and certainly papa would not, and I do not know what
to think between them." "Well," said he, "I shall tell you the story, and
it will help you to form your judgment.
From the high road between Cork and Cloyne, and about three miles from
the latter, a small by-road, or 'borheen,' branches off. It is of very
ancient date, belonging to times when men were guided by the position of
the sun during the day, and the stars at night, and when, consequently,
their track lay over mountain and hollow, through wood and bog, as the
avoidance of impediments (except to a very short distance) would have
thrown them quite out of their reckoning, and toil was much less regarded
then than in these degenerate days. The road by Laght-e-Ouria is
decidedly a shorter way to Cloyne than the high road from which it
diverges; but a saying has arisen since it was made, 'the longest way
round is the shortest way home,' that has been so often used as a
conclusion to a debate upon 'which of the roads should be taken,' that
the wisdom of our ancestors is voted folly, and their ways are no longer
trodden.
Other reasons than the unevenness of its surface are however not wanting,
and many a headstrong drunken farmer, upon whom all other argument had
been tried in vain, has been induced to turn his horse's head to the new
road, by the soft voice of the 'Vanitha' whispering in his ear that 'it
would be midnight ere they passed Laght-e-Ouria.'
Laght, in Irish, signifies a heap of stones, and it is customary in
Ireland, wherever a murder has been committed, for every passer-by to
throw a stone upon the spot. A heap, or 'laght,' is thus soon formed, and
it receives the cognomen of the unfortunate individual whose untimely end
it commemorates.
In the beginning of the month of October 1775, when residing in Cork, I
received a note from the Earl of Inchiquin, desiring me to meet him at
Cloyne between five and six o'clock on the following morning, on most
pressing and important business. I immediately ordered my horse,
determining to dine with a particular friend who resided about half way,
to jog quietly on in the evening, and have, what I always relished, a
night's repose on the spot where my morning's business awaited me.
Mr Ahern was one of a class well known in the south as 'gentlemen
farmers,' being mostly reduced gentlemen who farmed a portion of the
grounds that once belonged to their ancestors, in many instances to
themselves.
Hospitality, the virtue they most prided themselves upon, they carried to
a fault; and my friend Ahern, in common with the rest, made it a rule,
without an exception, that a bottle either of wine or whisky once opened,
should be finished on the spot. Upon this occasion, however, I felt it
necessary to demur. The last bottle of whisky having been opened without
my consent, and feeling that, although I was still capable of proceeding
on my journey, the half of what remained would put it completely out of
the question, I positively refused to take another drop except the
'Dhuch-an-dhurrish,' or parting glass, and resisting all his
importunities to stay the night, not relishing a ride of a dark morning,
I took my departure about an hour before midnight.
I never was a believer in ghosts or fairies, or any class of idle,
mischievous, disembodied creatures; but upon this occasion, whether from
melancholy or loneliness, or the darkness, which was so intense as to
force me to proceed very slowly, or from my friend's stirrup-cup having
slightly obnubilated my reasoning faculties without producing the usual
valour, I know not. Certain it is, I did not feel comfortable, and wished
most fervently for just as much light as would enable me to urge my horse
forward at a quicker pace, but the more I wished for light the darker it
became, until my eyes ached in endeavouring to penetrate the gloom.
A row of tall trees ran along at each side of the road, and nearly met at
top, and the fitful breeze just agitating the leaves, or occasionally
moving the branches so as to cause a low, moaning, creaking noise, jarred
my nerves, and made me feel still more and more unpleasant. At length,
when I had arrived at an intolerable pitch of nervous excitement, the
darkness became less intense, and I could just distinguish a breach in
the row of trees upon the right, which marked the locality of the
'laght.' Taking advantage of the opportunity, I pressed my horse. He
seemed to have become as nervous as myself, for he answered to the slight
touch of the spur with a loud snort and a violent spring, which I
considered so totally uncalled for, as to give me a very fair excuse for
being in a passion, and venting my irritability, which I proceeded to do
with my whip, as giving my muscles more action than the spur; but
instead of plunging along at a mad gallop, as I expected, my horse
reared, and turning sharply round, attempted a flight back. Again and
again I turned his head to the road, but onward he would not go; this was
very strange, for he never shied or started. At length I tried the
soothing system; for I must confess that the general belief that horses
see what is hidden from the eyes of man, occurred to me, and I coaxed and
patted him, and spoke gently and encouragingly to him, but he kept
sidling, and tramping, attempting to turn, and answering every word or
pat with a long snore, whilst I could perceive by his forward pricked
ears and the direction of his head, that his eyes were rivetted upon the
heap of stones. Whilst thus engaged, and having somewhat quieted his
terror, I heard a sound like the rattling of chains. Round and away with
Rainbow. I brought him up again nearer than before. Again the chains
clanked, and I could distinctly hear that they were chains, ere my horse
bolted and ran again. 'The third time,' said I, 'contains a charm, they
say; and, man or devil, ghost or fairy, I'll overhaul you. Who's there?'
No answer. 'Who's there?' Clank, clank, went the chains. I could see
nothing. The perspiration was running down my face, but I was furious.
'By the hand of my grandfather, if you do not answer me, I'll go to you,
and whilst sinew and whalebone last, you shall feel the butt of a loaded
whip. Who are you?' Again the chains clanked, and my horse would not
consent to keep such company any longer. I dismounted, and, taking him a
few paces back, tied him to a tree, and returned on foot to the spot.
Behind the trees was a deep trench partly filled with water; a hawthorn
hedge grew at the farther side, and threw its branches nearly across. As
I approached the 'laght,' the rattling of the chains again rose,
accompanied by a plashing, scrambling noise, as of something breaking
through the hedge and trench. I sprang forward, striking with the heavy
handle of my whip, having twisted the thong firmly round my hand and
wrist, I had only beaten air, but the violence of the blow and weight of
the whip carried me forward; and, missing my footing in the darkness, I
fell against, or rather upon, the monster of the chains; and having made
a furious grasp to save myself, judge what was my horror at catching a
handful of hair, such as might be expected to be felt upon an arctic
bear! The creature slipped from me, and with a tremendous plunge and
frightful rattling of its chains, gained the road, overwhelming me
completely in the muddy ditch.
Just at that instant the whole truth flashed across my mind; and with a
vengeful rage that I am ashamed to confess, I sprang up, and pursuing my
unfortunate victim, a jackass, who could make but little exertion to
escape, being spancelled with a piece of an iron chain, I kept my oath,
by belabouring poor Neddy until I could strike no more from exhaustion. I
then turned to remount my horse; but he was gone, having left the
principal portion of his bridle hanging on the bough for a keepsake.
Nothing saved Neddy from a second edition, with considerable additions,
but the recollection of the hour, the necessity of catching my horse, and
the confounded distance I should have to travel afterwards, for he was,
of course, gone the wrong way.
I ran as fast as I could, but was soon obliged to pull up. I found that I
was carrying weight, and no light weight, for my clothes were saturated
with water, and covered thickly with mud. Having scraped off as much as I
could of the latter, I got along, and about two o'clock reached my
friend's house again, entertaining a faint hope that Rainbow had returned
to the last stall he had occupied; and so he had.
Not finding the gate open, he had jumped the road fence, and was quietly
grazing with two or three other horses. There was now light enough to
distinguish objects at a hundred yards; and I could see his saddle, but
how to catch him was now the question, for he had at all times a
propensity to keep his liberty when he had got it; and to think of
catching him without help was idle. I approached the house, but just then
recollected that my friend had a couple of dangerous mastiff dogs, of
extraordinary size and ferocity; and as the entrance to the front of the
house lay through the farm-yard, in which they were kept, it would be as
much as my life was worth to approach it. My only chance was to get at
the rere; and having made the circuit of a few fields, I reached it, and,
selecting a window likely to belong to some sleeping apartment on the
ground floor, I tapped at it with the butt of my whip. Receiving no
answer, I repeated the knock, and placing my head close, heard a female
voice exclaim, 'Marcy save us, it's the boys;' and the speaker hurried
barefooted from the room. I knew that the only female inmate of the
house was the daughter of an old follower of the family, now called
'_the_ servant man;' for Pat or Paddy fulfilled the manifold duties of
butler, footman, gardener, and valet, besides taking a hand at every
thing about the farm in turn.
Whilst considering whether or not I should knock again, I had the
satisfaction to see, by the still increasing light, that the shutter of
an upper window was cautiously opened; then the window was gently raised;
and I waited for the appearance of a head to announce myself, when a
bright flash issued forth, accompanied by a tremendous report. Away went
my hat; and at the same instant the dogs opened, not barking, but with
yells upon yells, as if Pandemonium was let loose. 'Ahern! Ahern!' I
roared out, 'what are you at? 'Tis I--don't you know me?--M---- My horse
has run away; he's in your field, and I want help to catch him.' I
bellowed this at the top of my voice, in the vain endeavour to drown the
'bow-wow-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo' of the dogs. The answer I received was, 'You to
(hiccup) blazes (hiccup); here's at you again, you villains.' I threw
myself down as my quondam kind host discharged a second blunderbuss at
me; but was instantly on my legs again, as the roaring of the dogs
announced their rapid approach. They had in some manner got out of the
yard. I glanced hurriedly round for some place of shelter. A large
arbutus tree was the nearest object, and into it I scrambled, just as the
dogs appeared in full career upon the field.
They made repeated springs at me, for I was not above eight feet from the
ground, but I contrived, by well-aimed kicks in the jaws, to keep them at
bay for a while. I was thus pleasantly engaged for about five minutes,
when Ahern and four or five men made their appearance. He carried a
blunderbuss in his hand, another tucked under his arm, and a brace of
holster pistols stuck in his waistband. His old servant had the master's
fowling-piece, and the rest, who were farm servants, had pitchforks.
As soon as I espied them, I roared out, 'Call off the dogs, I'm M----,
you stupid drunken rascal.' 'Ho! ho! he's--hic--up in the arbutus.'
'Blur-an-agers, tare-an-taffy, sir, you'll shoot the dogs!' said old
Paddy, knocking up the levelled blunderbuss. 'It's Mr M----; don't ye
know his voice? Down, Fin--down, Oscar--down with ye,' and with
persuasive words, and still more persuasive blows of the fowling-piece,
Pat drew off the dogs, and took them away. I came down in a state of
indescribable rage. Nothing vexes a man so much as the consciousness of
being an object of mirth or ridicule.
Having paused awhile for words, I poured forth a torrent of abuse on
Ahern. He hiccupped once or twice, looked with the most stupid
astonishment at me, and, when I paused for breath, 'damned me but it
would have been due to me to be shot; firstly, for leaving a Christian
habitation at the dead hour of the night; secondly, for going at that
hour by a haunted road; and, thirdly, for attempting to get in at a back
window of his house, when I well knew that I had only to raise the latch,
and walk in at the front door.'
'How the d---- could I get past your infernal dogs?' said I.
'Good dogs always know friends from foes,' he replied; 'but--hic--it was
just one of your tricks--you wanted to frighten me, and--ha! ha! ha!--you
got frightened yourself, and the devil's cure to you!--hic.' I was
beginning again, when he stopped me by saying, 'that if I thought he had
taken any advantage of me, matters could be made even;' and he produced
the holster pistols, saying 'that they were both double loaded; he had
charged them himself, and I might have my choice.' In a minute the ground
was measured; the men were ordered not to interfere, but stand aside; and
Ahem himself asked me if I was ready, and immediately said 'fire!'
Well might he say 'the pistols were double charged;' they were trebly
charged--loaded to the muzzles. In fact, it was safer to stand before
than behind them. I was stunned by the report, and remained standing,
until roused by one of the men asking me 'was I shot?' adding, that 'I
had killed the masther.' In an instant the whole impropriety of my
conduct flashed before me, and I ran to my poor unfortunate friend, who
lay motionless. I knelt down by his side, and never shall I forget the
piercing anguish that at that moment penetrated my soul. All his
virtues--his amiable qualities--his kind-heartedness--every good action
of his life with which I was acquainted, and they were numerous, appeared
in order before my mental vision; and then conscience, shaking the ægis,
on which appeared, not the Gorgon's, but my poor friend's blackened
countenance, before me, and asking, 'Why did you do this?' froze up my
faculties, and converted my outward seeming into stone; but within, there
was a foretaste of the eternal torments.
Involuntarily I called upon his name; the sound of my own voice started
me, arousing me to a sense of keener anguish; and I was about to break
forth into some violent extravagance, when my unfortunate friend opened
his eyes, and, looking at me with kindness, said, 'M----, you did not do
it; my pistol burst and has hurt me--take me into the house--I'm sober
enough now.'
Upon examination it was discovered that a piece of the pistol barrel had
hit him above the forehead, cutting a path through his scalp; one of his
fingers was broken, and his hand and arm were severely contused, but he
seemed to think nothing of it, but desired one of the men to go for old
Biddy Hoolaghan, a celebrated doctress, and the rest of them to catch
Rainbow. I refused to leave him in his then present condition, of which I
was the unlucky cause, but he would not hear of my stopping. 'No, no,'
said he, 'your business cannot be neglected; and as to fault, we may
divide the matter between us, and bear each his own share. If I did not
make the ridiculous rule, that a bottle of whisky once opened should be
finished at once, I would not have drunk after you left me, but have gone
to bed at once; in which case I'd have known your voice, and all would
have been right. And if you were not so lazy as to object to a morning
ride (which you must take after all), you'd have staid where you were,
and saved all the mischief. But, at all events, remember for the rest of
your days that 'the longest way round is often the shortest way home.'
Rainbow was caught at length. Ahern lent me a bridle, and at four o'clock
I faced the road again, and arrived at Cloyne, without further adventure,
at five, thoroughly soaked with the rain, which commenced heavily soon
after my second departure, and for which I was thankful, as it partially
cleansed me from the ditch mud, and accounted for my dripping and soiled
state when I made my appearance before the earl, which I was obliged to
do, without changing my dress, at half past five."