No doubt some of our readers have been, at one time or another, in
Ireland, especially those who were born there. It is hoped, however,
that the following notes may be of some value to those whose attention
has now for the first time been attracted to this country by the King's
visit.
Many, however, will remember that not very long ago Ireland was the
scene of perhaps the most bloodless and humane motor-car encounters of
modern times.
The inhabitants of the island (who consist of men, women, and children
of both sexes) are full of native character. They are generally fond of
animals, especially pigs and "bulls." These latter wear what is known
as a Celtic fringe on the forehead.
The principal exports are emigrants, M.P.s, shamrocks, Dublin
Fusiliers, Field Marshals, real lace, and cigars.
A full list of "Previous Royal Visits to Ireland and other Countries"
will be found in another column of some other paper.
[Illustration: _Irish Chambermaid (indignantly, to gay Lothario who has
tried to snatch a kiss and been foiled)._ "Ye dare! If it wasn't for
soilin' me hands wid ye I'd kick ye downstairs!"]
Dublin is the capital of the country, and is pronounced very much like
the English word "doubling," with the final "g" omitted.
The tourist will find the language difficulty comparatively easy, as
English is now spoken in most of the large shops.
A few phrases, such as "Erin go bragh," "Begorra ye spalpeen," "Acushla
mavourneen," &c., are easily learnt, and the trouble involved is amply
repaid in the simple joy of the natives on hearing a foreigner speak
their own language.
[Illustration: PROOF
_Master._ "Pat, I must say you're very contradictory."
_Pat (emphatically)._ "I am not, sorr!"]
English gold is accepted in Ireland, and the rate of exchange works
out at twenty shillings to the sovereign. Two sixpences will always be
accepted in lieu of a shilling.
N.B.--To avoid disappointment to naturalists and others we think it
right to mention that since the late raid of St. Patrick there are no
snakes of first-rate quality in Ireland.
[Illustration: AFTER A SHOOT IN COUNTY CLARE
_Master._ "Well, Paddy, what sort of a bag?"
_Paddy._ "Well, yer honour, countin' the rabbits, there is nine
distinct spaycies o' birds!"]
"THE FINEST PLEASANTRY IN THE WORLD"
[" ... the Court was in an uproar from the moment the magistrates
took their seats.... Counsel for the Crown was rudely interrupted by
the defendants ... much to the delight of the crowd.... After some
particularly riotous scenes the police were called on to clear the
court.... One of the defendants was supplied with meat and bread in
court."--_Globe._]
_Counsel for the Crown._ The prisoners are charged----
_A Defendant._ Charged a dale too much for their accommodation. Oi'd
loike a bit o' lunch to go on wid. Oi havn't aten a morsel since last
time.
[_Loud cries of "Shame on the polis for shtarvin' of um!" "Shtick up
for yer roights, avick!" "To h----wid the magisthrates!"_
_Chairman of the Bench._ If these observations are repeated, I shall
clear the court.
_Second Defendant._ Arrah thin, clear yer own muddy brain first!
_Chairman (indignantly)._ Are these indecent interruptions to continue?
_Third Defendant._ 'Coorse they are.
[Illustration: This is Mr. Denis O'Brien, who claims descent from the
ancient kings of Ireland. But his pretensions just now do not soar
above _half_ a crown.]
_First Defendant._ Oi tell ye O'im shtarvin for me lunch. Oi'll take a
sandwich and a shmall bottle o' porther.
[_Refreshments brought in by order of the magistrates. Defendants
indulge in a sort of "free-and-easy" picnic in the solicitors' well,
after which they light dirty clay pipes. Crowd bursts into loud
cheers._
_Counsel for the Crown (resuming)._ As I was saying, the defendants are
charged with intimidation in this neighbourhood, and so complete has
been their system that up to the present moment none of our witnesses
have dared to venture near the precincts of the court. We have,
however, now endeavoured to get them here by the aid of the police and
a small covered van. If we succeed in this----
_First Defendant._ Ye will not. Whativer decision these fat-headed
magistrates give, we shan't obey ut. Even if they acquitted us, _we
wouldn't walk out o' the coort_! Ould Oireland for iver!
[_Vociferous cheering, in the midst of which the court was cleared,
and the magistrates, under police protection, left for home._
* * * * *
[Illustration: "Sure, Terence, if yez go to the front, kape at the
back, or ye'll be kilt, O' know ut!"
"Faith, an' isn't that the way Oi get my livin'?"]
[Illustration: _Father O'Flynn._ "And now, Pat Murphy, in this season
of Lent, what is it ye'll do by way of penance?"
_Pat Murphy._ "Sure, then, I'll--I'll come an' hear your riverance
prayche!"]
[Illustration: _The Vicar._ "I have not seen your husband at church
lately, Mrs. Murphy."
_Mrs. Murphy._ "Well, sir, I'm sorry to say as my old man is _enjoying_
very bad 'ealth at present!"]
[Illustration: THE WONDERS OF THE DEEP
_Paddy._ "Be jabers! the forrst thoime I iver saw rid hirrins swimmin'
about aloive before!"]
[Illustration: DECIMALS ON DECK
_Irish Mate._ "How manny iv ye down ther-re?!"
_Voice from the Hold._ "Three, sor!"
_Mate._ "Thin half iv ye come up here immadiately!"]
[Illustration: _Irish Maid._ "Do you want a good beating, Master
Jimmy, or do you not? Because, if you don't behave yourself this
minute--_you'll get both_!"]
[Illustration: _Mistress._ "Poor darling little Topsy! I'm afraid she
will never recover. Do you know, Bridget, I think the kindest thing
would be to have her shot, and put her out of her misery!"
_Bridget._ "'Deed, mam, I wouldn't do that. Sure she _might_ get better
after all, an' then ye'd be sorry ye'd had her kill'd!"]
* * * * *
THE SAXON OPPRESSOR.--_Saxon Tourist._ "I suppose the English buy all
the pigs that you wish to sell?"
_Irish Peasant._ "They do. Bad luck to 'em, the toirants!"
* * * * *
FROM SHANNON SHORE.--We extract the following momentous announcement
from the _Western Daily Press_:--
"An Irish Member tells me that the motor craze is causing a revival of
the Limerick lace trade. This particular kind of lace is, it is said,
the best protection that a lady can have for her complexion when she
is engaged in breaking the speech limit."
The information must be authentic, for there is no authority like an
Irish Member where the "speech limit" is concerned.
* * * * *
AN IRISH BULL ON THE LINE.--"The directors of the Dublin, Wicklow
and Wexford Railway Company are prepared to receive tenders for the
purchase of about 750 tons of old steel rails and permanent way scrap.
The directors do not bind themselves to accept the _lowest_ or any
tender."--[Italics by _Mr. Punch_.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: FROM ERIN
_Restaurant Waiter._ "Bill, sorr? Yes, sorr. It's foive-and-sixpence
including the cigyar, and that makes six shillings, sorr!"]
[Illustration: "A WORD AND A BLOW!"--_First Gent (Celt)._ "Ye met'm at
me brother's, the mimber, I think?"
_Second Gent (Saxon)._ "Yes, but I haven't any favourable impression of
him--'n fact--um--he struck me as a liar."
_First Gent._ "Did he, thin?! I hope ye hit'm back, surr!"]
[Illustration: BOYS AT PLAY (AFTER AN EXECUTION).--_First Kilkenny
"Boy."_ "Did ye see the cock-fightin' at Pat Daly's lasst night?"
_Second Kilkenny "Boy."_ "I did not."
_First Kilkenny "Boy."_ "Did ye see the 'boys' 'suffer-r,' this
mornin'?"
_Second Kilkenny "Boy" (listlessly)._ "I did not."
_First Kilkenny "Boy."_ "Ah, thin, ye take no delight out o' yerself,
at all, at all!"]
[Illustration: _Dooley._ "What's the matter wid ye anyhow, Mick--all
tattered an' torrun an' bitten an' scratched all over?"
_Mick._ "Ay, an' me own dog done it! I want home sober last noight, an'
the baste _didn't know me_!"]
[Illustration: _Pat (who has been acting as guide, and has been
pointing out the devil's this and the devil's that for the last two
hours)._ "An' _that's_ the devil's puch-bowl, yer anner."
_Tourist._ "The devil seems to own a good deal of property about here,
Pat!"
_Pat._ "Ye're roight, yer anner. But, loike most av the other
landlords, he spinds most av his toime in London!"]
[Illustration: _Traveller._ "Get on, man; get on! Wake up your nag."
_Driver._ "Shure, sorr, I haven't the heart to bate him."
_Traveller._ "What's the matter with him? Is he sick?"
_Driver._ "No, sor, he's not _sick_, but it's unlucky 'e is, sor,
unlucky! You see, sor, every morning, afore I put 'im in the car, I
tosses 'im whether '_e_ll have a feed of oats, or _I_'ll have a dhrink
of whisky, _an' the poor baste has lost five mornings running_!"]
[Illustration: A SAFE WIN (?)
_Pat (in corner, to chaffing friend, who knows him to have backed
beaten horse)_. "Goin' to lose, am Oi! Faith, an' Oi'm not! Shure,
Oi've got a troifle on every blissed horse in the race!"]
[Illustration: A PLEASANT PROSPECT.--_Traveller (in Ireland)._
"Hi,--pull her up, man! Don't you see the mare is running away?"
_Paddy._ "Hould tight, yer 'onor! For yer life don't touch the
reins!--sure they're as rotten as pears! I'll turn her into the river
at the bridge below here! Sure that'll stop her, the blagyard!"]
[Illustration: _Irish Waiter (to bow-legged traveller in the
coffee-room)._ "Big pardon, sor. Hadn't your honour better move a
little further from the foire?"
_Traveller (fiercely)._ "Eh? Wha' for? Wha'd ye mean!?"
_Irish Waiter._ "Och shure, sor, yer legs is warpin'!--Och! phew! most
turrible!"]
[Illustration: DOMESTIC TRAINING.--_District Visitor_. "Well, Mrs.
Murphy, I'm glad to hear your daughter has got a place as parlour-maid.
Do you think she'll be up to the work?"
_Mrs. Murphy._ "Ah, thin, why wouldn't she? Sure, isn't she used to the
ways at home?"]
[Illustration: A LITERAL FACT.--_The Young Master (to new valet
from the Emerald Isle)._ "I say, confound you, what have you been doing
with my boots here?" (_The night had been rainy._)
_Pat._ "Shure, sorr, you tould me lasst evening to putt 'm on the
thrays!"]
[Illustration: IRISH ARCHITECTURE.--_Angler (in Ireland)._ "Hullo, Pat,
what are you about now?"
_Pat._ "Shure, I'm raisin' me roof a bit, yer honour-r!!"]
[Illustration: BLARNEY.--_Tall Yankee (just arrived)._ "Guess your
legal fare is just sixpence----"
_Dublin Carman._ "Sure, me lord, we take some chape jacks at that--but
I wouldn't disgrace a gintleman av your lordship's quality be drivin'
him at a mane pace t'rough the public sthreets--so I tuk upon myself to
give your lordship a shillin'sworth both av stoyle an' whipcard!!"]
[Illustration: WORD-PAINTING.--_Sportsman (who has just lost a good
fish)._ "That was a good one, Tim."
_Tim._ "'Doed then it was! He was as long as an umbrella, and had a
side on him like a shop shutter!"]
[Illustration: "GENERAL UTILITY."--(Scene--_Hotel Stables, North of
Ireland_.) Captain. "Hullo, Pat! What the deuce are you doing to the
old mare?"
_Pat_. "Well, you see, Capt'in, our old black hearse horse went lame
yesterday that was wanted for Squire Doherty's funeral, so I'm paintin'
up the ould grey for the service. You see her body won't show, by
rason o' the housin's, and I'll have to wash her clane ag'in for Miss
McGinnety's weddin' on the morrow!!"]
[Illustration: "EXCLUSIVE DEALING."--_Irish Landlord (boycotted)._
"Pat, my man, I'm in no end of a hurry. Put the pony to, and drive me
to the station, and I'll give ye half a sovereign!"
_Pat (Nationalist, but needy)._ "Och shure, it's more than me loife is
worth to be seen droiving _you_, yer honour. But"--_slily_--"if yer
honour would jist droive _me_, maybe it's meself that moight venture
it!"]
[Illustration: GENERALLY APPLICABLE.--(Scene--_Irish Land Court_).
_Sub-Commissioner._ "Now, Murphy, have you effected any improvement in
this farm?"
_Tenant._ "I have, yer honour! Iver since I got it I've been improvin'
it. But, by jabers, it's that sort o' land, the more ye 'mprove 'it the
worrse it gets!!"
[_Court reduces the rent 25 per cent.!_ ]
]
[Illustration: "A PLEASANT PROSPECT."--_Car-Driver (to new agent)._
"Begorra, the wondher is he wasn't shot long before--but, shure, they
say, what's iverybody's business is nobody's business!"]
[Illustration: LIFE IN LEITRIM.--_Saxon Angler._ "Oh, but I can't try
for a salmon. I haven't got a licence----"
_Native._ "Is it a licence ye want to kill a fish? Shure ye might kill
a man or two about here an' nobody'd say a word t' ye!"]
[Illustration: _Gentleman (to Irish ostler, who has brought out their
horses)._ "That's my horse."
_Ostler._ "Yes, sorr, Oi know that; but Oi didn't know which of the two
was the other gintleman's, sorr!"]
[Illustration: "Bedad! I don't like him at all. He walks lame in his
trot."]
[Illustration: _Irish Jarvey._ "Let me dhrive yer honour to Duneen
Head."
_English Tourist._ "I have seen that, Pat. I went there two years ago."
_Irish Jarvey._ "Ah, yer honour, shure they 've added to the scenery
since that toime!"]
[Illustration: ANOTHER IRISH OBSTRUCTION
_Colonel O'Funk._ "I say, my man, what's on the other side of that
rail?"
_Pat._ "Nothing."
_Colonel O'Funk._ "Then, will you take it down, and I'll clear it?"]
[Illustration: ODD!--_The Colonel (stopping at Irish Inn)._ "Look here.
What's the meaning of this?"
_Boots._ "Bedad! An' I've got just such another quare pair down
below!"]
[Illustration: _The Rector (to Irish Plasterer)._ "That mortar must
have been very bad." _Pat (with a grin)._ "Faix, ye cann't expict the
likes o' good Roman cimint to stick to a Protestant church, sorr!!"]
[Illustration: THE SIGHTS OF DUBLIN
_Irish Car-Driver._ "Shure that's the Custom-House, sor; but it's only
the rare av it you'll be seeing this side, sor--the front's behind!"]
[Illustration: A FAIR OFFER
_Athletic Barman._ "Now, if you don't take yourself off, I'll precious
soon turn you out!"
_Pat (with a yell)._ "Tur-r-rn me out! Is it tur-r-rn me out! Thin,
bedad! ccome outside, an' tur-r-rn me out!!"]
[Illustration: _Tourist._ "When does the next train start for Cork,
porter?"
_Irish Porter._ "She's just gone, sorr!"]
[Illustration: THE NEW CHIMNEY
_Mike._ "Faith, Tim, ye haven't got ut sthraight at all. It lanes over
to the roight!"
_Tim._ "Oh, ye're wrong. It's plumb ex-hact! It's myself that plumbed
ut mosht careful. Indade, if ut has a fault, it lanes over an inch or
tew to the left, when ye look at ut from behoind!!"]
[Illustration: Irish "as she is spoke." (shows Notice saying "Persons
Trespassing here without permission will be prosecuted")]
[Illustration: DEGENERACY.--"Shure an your honour, it's things was
mighty diffrunt in the ould days when the ginthry be's a cummin' to
the parties! 'Tis as much as three pound I'd be takin' of a night! But
_now_--why, divil a bit beyant a few coppers ever I sees at all! Mind
you, this evenin' I puts a decoy half-crown on the plate myself, and
bedad if they didn't take it ov me! But wait--I'll do them the next
time--for begorra I'll have it glued to the plate!"]
[Illustration: SEASONED.--_Lady Tourist._ "Are the sheets well aired?"
_Irish Chambermaid._ "Troth, and they are, ma'am; for the sayson is
three months begun, and they've been well used since!"]