Tony Gowan is advertised of having lost "a pig with a very long tail,
and a black spot on the tip of its snout that curls up behind."
A cow is described as "very difficult to milk, and of no use to anyone
but the owner, with one horn much longer than the other."
John Hawkins is alluded to as having "a pair of quick grey eyes, with
little or no whiskers, and a Roman nose, that has a great difficulty in
looking any one in the face."
Betsy Waterton is accused of having "absconded with a chest of drawers
and a cock and hen, and has red hair and a broken tooth, none of which
are her own."
The manager of the savings' bank at Dunferry, near Goofowran, is spoken
of in these terms: "He had on, when last seen, a pair of corduroy
trousers with a tremendous squint rather the worse for wear, besides
an affected lisp, which he endeavours to conceal with a pair of gold
spectacles."
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mrs. O'Flannigan (to husband, who has had india-rubber
heels to his boots)._ "Now you sound just like a policeman walking;
for, bedad, I can't hear you at all, at all!"]
* * * * *
A burglar has his portrait taken in the following manner:--"He has
little or no hair, but black eyes on a turned-up nose, which is dyed
black to conceal its greyness."
* * * * *
"THIS BOLDNESS BRINGS RELIEF."--_Massinger. Irish "Boy" (to benevolent
Old Gentleman)._ "Maybe yer honour'll give a poor boy something. Sure,
it's a dissolute orphin, and deaf and dumb, I am!"
_Absent-minded Old Gentleman (putting his hand in his pocket)._ "Poor
fellow!"
* * * * *
A DUBLIN grocer advertises his butter thus:
Best Danish 1_s._ 2_d._
Best Creamery 1_s._ 3_d._
No Better 1_s._ 4_d._
* * * * *
MORE "REVENGE FOR THE UNION."--_Saxon Tourist (at Irish Railway
Station)._ "What time does the half-past eleven train start, Paddy?"
_Porter._ "At thrutty minutes to twilve--sharrup, sor!"
[_Tourist retires up, discomfited._
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Mrs. Malone._ "Why, Pat, what's that ye've got? Is it
Moriarty that's insulted ye?"
_Pat._ "He has, begorrah! But he'll have to wait a week!"]
[Illustration: THE UNEMPLOYED QUESTION AGAIN
_The Rector._ "Now, my good man, if you go up to the harvest field, I
am sure you will get work."
_Tramping Tim._ "Bedad, sor, it's not work I'm wantin', it's
nourishment."]
* * * * *
"LUCUS A NON," &c.--_Visitor._ "How long has your master been away?"
_Irish Footman._ "Well, sorr, if he'd come home yistherday, he'd a'
been gone a wake to-morrow but ev he doesn't return the day afther,
shure he'll a' been away a fortnight next Thorsday"!!
* * * * *
[Illustration: ECONOMY OF LABOUR
_Young Softroe (who is trying to pick up bargains in polo ponies)._
"Nice pony, but seems inclined to rest that foreleg, don't you know."
_Irish Coper._ "And wasn't that phwat I was tellin' ye now! That's a
little horse that's always got a leg to spare. Sure, isn't that the
very wan he's restin' now against the time he'll be wantin' ut?"]
* * * * *
_Zoological Specialist (gazing at solitary sea-lion in the Dublin
Zoo)._ Where's his mate?
_Irish Keeper._ He has no mate, sorr. We just fade him on fish.
* * * * *
A POINT TO THE GOOD.--SCENE--_Immediately after a Point-to-Point
Race_--_Friend (to Rider of Winner)._ "By Jove, old chap, that was a
close race! Thought you were beaten just on the post."
_Rider_ (_Irish_). "Faith, me boy, that dimonstrates the advantage of a
big horse; for, if ye saw the tail of him a thrifle behind, shure the
other end of him was a wee bit in front?"
* * * * *
CONFESSION IN CONFUSION.--_Priest._ "Now, tell me, Doolan, truthfully,
how often _do_ you go to chapel?"
_Pat._ "Will, now, shure, oi'll till yer riv'rince the trut'. Faix, I
go as often as I can avoid!"
* * * * *
_School Inspector (anxious to explain the nature of a falsehood)._ Now,
supposing I brought you a canary, and told you it was blue, what would
that be?
_Student (with taste for natural history)._ Please, sir, a tomtit.
* * * * *
IRISH ITEM.--There have been floods in Cork. Cork, as usual, kept
afloat notwithstanding.
* * * * *
[Illustration: ALLOPATHY.--_Paddy (he has brought a prescription to the
chemist, who is carefully weighing a very minute portion of calomel)._
"Oi beg yer pardon, sor, but y'are mighty nare wid that mid'cine!
And--(_coaxingly_)--I may tell ye--'tis for a poor motherliss child!!"]
[Illustration: "THE POSTMASTER ABROAD AGAIN"
_Pat (to clerk)._ "Surr! I sint tin shillings to me brother through the
post, an' he tills me"--(_fuming_)--"he niver got 't!!"
_Clerk (calmly)._ "At what office did you get the order?"
_Pat._ "Shure, thin, it was to yoursilf I gave the money, an' be jabers
I've got yer receipt for 't!" (_Produces money order in a fury._) "Look
at that, now!!"]
[Illustration: INCORRIGIBLE!
_Irish Attorney (to his clerk, who has taken the blue ribbon, and has
been "celebrating the event")._ "I'll not stand it, surr! Wid yer
plidges! Instid o' takin' plidges ye're always breakin', ye'd better
make no promises at-all-at-all--and kape 'em!!"]
[Illustration: THE WONDERS OF SCIENCE.--_The Principal (from the City,
through the telephone, to the foreman at the "Works")._ "How do you get
on, Pat?"
_Irish Foreman (in great awe of the instrument)._ "Very well, sir. The
goods is sent off."
_The Principal (knowing Pat's failing)._ "What have you got to drink
there?"
_Pat (startled)._ "Och! look at that now! It's me breath that done
it!"]
[Illustration:
"Age cannot wither--nor custom stale
His infinite variety"!
_Paddy (to fellow-passenger)._ "Oi'm siventy years of age, and ivery
wan o' my teeth as perfect as the day I was born, sor!"]
[Illustration: _Mr. Moriarty._ "Look here, Ada, how much longer, for
goodness sake, are ye goin' to be dressin' yourself?"
_Voice from the heights._ "Only ten minutes, dear!"
_Mr. Moriarty._ "Well, all I can say is, if I've got to wait here ten
minutes, I'll--I'll be off this blessed moment!"]
[Illustration: _Mick ("boots" at the Ballyragg Hotel, knocking at
visitor's door at four a.m.)._ "Fwhat toime wud ye wish to be called
this morrnun', sorr?"]