YOUNG MAN. Well then, first spread out a layer of origanum[727] upon four
pieces of wood; bind fillets round your head, bring phials of scent and
place a bowl filled with lustral water before your door.[728]
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Will you buy a chaplet for me too?
YOUNG MAN. Aye, if you outlast the tapers; for I expect to see you fall
down dead as you go in.
YOUNG GIRL. Where are you dragging this unfortunate man to?
FIRST OLD WOMAN. 'Tis my very own property that I am leading in.
YOUNG GIRL. You do ill. A young fellow like him is not of the age to suit
you. You ought to be his mother rather than his wife. With these laws in
force, the earth will be filled with Oedipuses.[729]
FIRST OLD WOMAN. Oh! you cursed pest! 'tis envy that makes you say this;
but I will be revenged.
YOUNG MAN. By Zeus the Deliverer, what a service you have done me, by
freeing me of this old wretch! with what ardour I will show you my
gratitude in a form both long and thick!
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Hi! you there! where are you taking that young man to,
in spite of the law? The decree ordains that he must first sleep with me.
YOUNG MAN. Oh! what a misfortune! Where does _this_ hag come from? 'Tis a
more frightful monster than the other even.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Come here.
YOUNG MAN (_to the young girl_). Oh! I adjure you, don't let me be led
off by her!
SECOND OLD WOMAN. 'Tis not I; 'tis the law that leads you off.
YOUNG MAN. No, 'tis not the law, but an Empusa[730] with a body covered
with blemishes and blotches.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Follow me, my handsome little friend, come along quick
without any more ado.
YOUNG MAN. Oh! let me first do the needful, so that I may gather my wits
somewhat. Else I should be so terrified that you would see me letting out
something yellow.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Never mind! you can stool, if you want, in my house.
YOUNG MAN. Oh! I fear doing more than I want to; but I offer you two good
securities.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. I don't require them.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. Hi! friend, where are you off to with that woman?
YOUNG MAN. I am not going with her, but am being dragged by force. Oh!
whoever you are, may heaven bless you for having had pity on me in my
dire misfortune. (_Turns round and sees the Third Old Woman._) Oh
Heracles! oh Heracles! oh Pan! Oh ye Corybantes! oh ye Dioscuri! Why, she
is still more awful! Oh! what a monster! great gods! Are you an ape
plastered with white lead, or the ghost of some old hag returned from the
dark borderlands of death?
THIRD OLD WOMAN. No jesting! Follow me.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. No, come this way.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. I will never let you go.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Nor will I.
YOUNG MAN. But you will rend me asunder, you cursed wretches.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. 'Tis I he must go with according to the law.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. Not if an uglier old woman than yourself appears.
YOUNG MAN. But if you kill me at the outset, how shall I afterwards go to
find this beautiful girl of mine?
THIRD OLD WOMAN. That's your business. But begin by obeying.
YOUNG MAN. Of which one must I rid myself first?
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Don't you know? Come here.
YOUNG MAN. Then let the other one release me.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. Come to my house.
YOUNG MAN. If this dame will let me go.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. No, by all the gods, I'll not let you go.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. Nor will I.
YOUNG MAN. You would make very bad boatwomen.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Why?
YOUNG MAN. Because you would tear your passengers to pieces in dragging
them on board.
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Then come along, do, and hold your tongue.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. No, by Zeus, come with me.
YOUNG MAN. 'Tis clearly a case of the decree of Cannonus;[731] I must cut
myself in two in order to fuck you both. But how am I to work two oars at
once?
SECOND OLD WOMAN. Easily enough; you have only to eat a full pot of
onions.[732]
YOUNG MAN. Oh! great gods! here I am close to the door and being dragged
in!
THIRD OLD WOMAN (_to Second Old Woman_). You will gain nothing by this,
for I shall rush into your house with you.
YOUNG MAN. Oh, no! no! 'twould be better to suffer a single misfortune
than two.
THIRD OLD WOMAN. Ah! by Hecaté, 'twill be all the same whether you wish
it or not.
YOUNG MAN. What a fate is mine, that I must gratify such a stinking
harridan the whole night through and all day; then, when I am rid of her,
I have still to tackle a hag of brick-colour hue! Am I not truly
unfortunate? Ah! by Zeus the Deliverer! under what fatal star must I have
been born, that I must sail in company with such monsters! But if my bark
sinks in the sewer of these strumpets, may I be buried at the very
threshold of the door; let this hag be stood upright on my grave, let her
be coated alive with pitch and her legs covered with molten lead up to
the ankles, and let her be set alight as a funeral lamp.
A SERVANT-MAID TO PRAXAGORA (_she comes from the banquet_). What
happiness is the people's! what joy is mine, and above all that of my
mistress! Happy are ye, who form choruses before our house! Happy all ye,
both neighbours and fellow-citizens! Happy am I myself! I am but a
servant, and yet I have poured on my hair the most exquisite essences.
Let thanks be rendered to thee, oh, Zeus! But a still more delicious
aroma is that of the wine of Thasos; its sweet bouquet delights the
drinker for a long enough, whereas the others lose their bloom and vanish
quickly. Therefore, long life to the wine-jars of Thasos! Pour yourselves
out unmixed wine, it will cheer you the whole night through, if you
choose the liquor that possesses most fragrance. But tell me, friends,
where is my mistress's husband?
CHORUS. Wait for him here; he will no doubt pass this way.
MAID-SERVANT. Ah! there he is just going to dinner. Oh! master! what joy!
what blessedness is yours!
BLEPYRUS. Ah! d'you think so?
MAID-SERVANT. None can compare his happiness to yours; you have reached
its utmost height, you who, alone out of thirty thousand citizens, have
not yet dined.
CHORUS Aye, here is undoubtedly a truly happy man.
MAID-SERVANT. Where are you off to?
BLEPYRUS. I am going to dine.
MAID-SERVANT. By Aphrodité, you will be the last of all, far and away the
last. Yet my mistress has bidden me take you and take with you these
young girls. Some Chian wine is left and lots of other good things.
Therefore hurry, and invite likewise all the spectators whom we have
pleased, and such of the judges as are not against us, to follow us; we
will offer them everything they can desire. Let our hospitality be large
and generous; forget no one, neither old nor young men, nor children.
Dinner is ready for them all; they have but to go ... home.[733]
CHORUS. I am betaking myself to the banquet with this torch in my hand
according to custom. But why do you tarry, Blepyrus? Take these young
girls with you and, while you are away a while, I will whet my appetite
with some dining-song. I have but a few words to say: let the wise judge
me because of whatever is wise in this piece, and those who like a laugh
by whatever has made them laugh. In this way I address pretty well
everyone. If the lot has assigned my comedy to be played first of all,
don't let that be a disadvantage to me; engrave in your memory all that
shall have pleased you in it and judge the competitors equitably as you
have bound yourselves by oath to do. Don't act like vile courtesans, who
never remember any but their last lover. It is time, friends, high time
to go to the banquet, if we want to have our share of it. Open your ranks
and let the Cretan rhythms regulate your dances.[734]
SEMI-CHORUS. Ready; we are ready!
CHORUS. And you others, let your light steps too keep time. Very soon
will be served a very fine menu[*]--oysters-saltfish-skate-sharks'-heads
left-over-vinegar-dressing-laserpitium-leek-with-honey-sauce-thrush
blackbird-pigeon-dove-roast-cock's-brains-wagtail-cushat-hare-stewed
in-new-wine-gristle-of-veal-pullet's-wings.[735] Come, quick, seize
hold of a plate, snatch up a cup, and let's run to secure a place at
table. The rest will have their jaws at work by this time.
[* Transcriber's note: In the original, all following words until 'wings'
are connected with hyphens, i.e. they form _one_ word.]
SEMI-CHORUS. Let up leap and dance, Io! evoë! Let us to dinner, Io! evoë.
For victory is ours, victory is ours! Ho! Victory! Io! evoë!
* * * * *