PHILOCLEON. Ah! I thought it was a wraprascal like those made at
Thymaetia.[131]
BDELYCLEON. Pray, how should you know such garments? 'Tis only at Sardis
you could have seen them, and you have never been there.
PHILOCLEON. I' faith, no! but it seems to me exactly like the mantle
Morychus[132] sports.
BDELYCLEON. Not at all; I tell you they are woven at Ecbatana.
PHILOCLEON. What! are there woollen ox-guts[133] then at Ecbatana?
BDELYCLEON. Whatever are you talking about? These are woven by the
Barbarians at great cost. I am certain this pelisse has consumed more
than a talent of wool.[134]
PHILOCLEON. It should be called wool-waster then instead of pelisse.
BDELYCLEON. Come, father, just hold still for a moment and put it on.
PHILOCLEON. Oh! horrors! what a waft of heat the hussy wafts up my nose!
BDELYCLEON. Will you have done with this fooling?
PHILOCLEON. No, by Zeus! if need be, I prefer you should put me in the
oven.
BDELYCLEON. Come! I will put it round you. There!
PHILOCLEON. At all events, bring out a crook.
BDELYCLEON. Why, whatever for?
PHILOCLEON. To drag me out of it before I am quite melted.
BDELYCLEON. Now take off those wretched clogs and put on these nice
Laconian slippers.
PHILOCLEON. I put on odious slippers made by our foes! Never!
BDELYCLEON. Come! put your foot in and push hard. Quick!
PHILOCLEON. 'Tis ill done of you. You want me to put my foot on Laconian
ground.
BDELYCLEON. Now the other.
PHILOCLEON. Ah! no, not that one; one of its toes holds the Laconians in
horror.
BDELYCLEON. Positively you must.
PHILOCLEON. Alas! alas! Then I shall have no chilblains in my old
age.[135]
BDELYCLEON. Now, hurry up and get them on; and now imitate the easy
effeminate gait of the rich. See, like this.
PHILOCLEON. There!... Look at my get-up and tell me which rich man I most
resemble in my walk.
BDELYCLEON. Why, you look like a garlic plaster on a boil.
PHILOCLEON. Ah! I am longing to swagger and sway my rump about.
BDELYCLEON. Now, will you know how to talk gravely with well-informed men
of good class?
PHILOCLEON. Undoubtedly.
BDELYCLEON. What will you say to them?
PHILOCLEON. Oh, lots of things. First of all I shall say, that
Lamia,[136] seeing herself caught, let fly a fart; then, that Cardopion
and her mother....
BDELYCLEON. Come, no fabulous tales, pray! talk of realities, of domestic
facts, as is usually done.
PHILOCLEON. Ah! I know something that is indeed most domestic. Once upon
a time there was a rat and a cat....
BDELYCLEON. "Oh, you ignorant fool," as Theagenes said[137] to the
scavenger in a rage. Are you going to talk of cats and rats among
high-class people?
PHILOCLEON. Then what should I talk about?
BDELYCLEON. Tell some dignified story. Relate how you were sent on a
solemn mission with Androcles and Clisthenes.
PHILOCLEON. On a mission! never in my life, except once to Paros,[138] a
job which brought me in two obols a day.
BDELYCLEON. At least say, that you have just seen Ephudion making good
play in the pancratium[139] with Ascondas and, that despite his age and
his white hair, he is still robust in loin and arm and flank and that his
chest is a very breastplate.
PHILOCLEON. Stop! stop! what nonsense! Who ever contested at the
pancratium with a breast-plate on?
BDELYCLEON. That is how well-behaved folk like to talk. But another
thing. When at wine, it would be fitting to relate some good story of
your youthful days. What is your most brilliant feat?
PHILOCLEON. My best feat? Ah! 'twas when I stole Ergasion's vine-props.
BDELYCLEON. You and your vine-props! you'll be the death of me! Tell of
one of your boar-hunts or of when you coursed the hare. Talk about some
torch-race you were in; tell of some deed of daring.
PHILOCLEON. Ah! my most daring deed was when, quite a young man still, I
prosecuted Phayllus, the runner, for defamation, and he was condemned by
a majority of two votes.
BDELYCLEON. Enough of that! Now recline there, and practise the bearing
that is fitting at table in society.
PHILOCLEON. How must I recline? Tell me quick!
BDELYCLEON. In an elegant style.
PHILOCLEON. Like this?
BDELYCLEON. Not at all.
PHILOCLEON. How then?
BDELYCLEON. Spread your knees on the tapestries and give your body the
most easy curves, like those taught in the gymnasium. Then praise some
bronze vase, survey the ceiling, admire the awning stretched over the
court. Water is poured over our hands; the tables are spread; we sup and,
after ablution, we now offer libations to the gods.
PHILOCLEON. But, by Zeus! this supper is but a dream, it appears!
BDELYCLEON. The flute-player has finished the prelude. The guests are
Theorus, Aeschines, Phanus, Cleon, Acestor;[140] and beside this last, I
don't know who else. You are with them. Shall you know exactly how to
take up the songs that are started?
PHILOCLEON. Better than any born mountaineer of Attica.
BDELYCLEON. That we shall see. Suppose me to be Cleon. I am the first to
begin the song of Harmodius, and you take it up: "There never was yet
seen in Athens ...