_Re_ RAVEN.
"DEAR SIR,--I have consulted an authority on this bird and find that its
bad character has brought about its practical extinction in this country
save in the mountain fastnesses of Wales and the craggy moors of Yorkshire.
I also learn that its extended wings measure thirty-six inches on an
average. I must decline to provide an asylum for such an extensive mass of
depravity."
I confess I was discouraged and also somewhat shocked. I felt Filmer should
have enlightened me more on the characteristics of his _protégé_. The
episode taught me to avoid preamble in my next quest for a domicile. Also I
thought it only right to express myself with absolute frankness. The
address of a lady with a reputation for a love of animals was given to me,
and I hastened to call upon her. She answered the door herself.
"Madam," I said, "may I ask you of your kind heart to give a home to an
almost extinct bird of evil character about a yard across?"
She looked startled for a moment and then quietly closed the door.
I was still further discouraged. I felt bound in honour to comply, if
possible, with Filmer's comparatively simple request. By chance I ran
across Timberley, a man brimful of resource and suggestion. "You want a
brewery," he said; "that's the _milieu_ for a raven. To my mind no brewery
is artistically complete without one. A raven hopping about the casks gives
a _je ne sais quoi_, a _cachet_, to the premises. You should get an
introduction to a manager."
With some difficulty I did, and I waited upon him in his private office. He
seemed immersed in business and asked me to be seated in such a brusque
manner that I had no alternative but to remain standing.
"I must apologise for trespassing upon your valuable time, but it has been
suggested to me that no brewery is complete without a raven--" I began,
stammering slightly from nervousness.
"Well, we've got one. What about it?" he said.
In face of this unlooked-for development I could do nothing but bow and
retire.
After this third failure to house the bird I threw convention to the winds
and took to accosting utter strangers in the street with, "Will you have a
raven?" I went rides in trams and tubes and canvassed the passengers. "Not
to-day, thank you," was the response, save in a few instances. One man
invited me to ask him again and he would do me in. A lady to whom I
propounded the query as we were descending the moving staircase side by
side precipitated herself forward with such haste that but for the
intervening travellers she must have fallen headlong to the bottom. The
mother of a family to whom I appealed shook her head politely and said she
was obliged to me for the offer, but it was hard enough to pay for
butcher's meat; she couldn't afford poultry.
Then at last, all my efforts having failed, I reluctantly took my pen and
wrote to Filmer. In reply I received another of his scrawls:--
"What's this about a raven? Don't let it grow on you. The Victory Croquet
Club is taking my ROLLER, £7 carriage forward. I gave £3 10s. for it
second-hand ten years ago.
"N.B.--I had great difficulty in reading your writing. Don't cultivate
illegibility; it's tiresome for your friends."
* * * * *
[Illustration: NO, THIS IS NOT A CELEBRATED COMEDIAN TELLING A FUNNY STORY;
IT'S MERELY A PRIVATE CITIZEN THREATENING TO REPORT TO THE PROFITEERING
COMMITTEE.]
* * * * *
"Referring to charges of drunkenness the Chairman said there were 13
men and five women fined for drunkenness and residing at Chiswick."--
_Local Paper._
To reside at Chiswick may be an eccentricity, but surely is not an offence.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Auctioneer._ "COME, GENTS, HOW MUCH FOR THESE DOZEN
BRACES?"
_Tommy._ "CAN'T TAKE MORE'N ELEVEN, GUV'NOR. LOST MY SECOND-BEST EVENING
TROUSERS ON THE SOMME."]
* * * * *