"And what," I said, "did you do during the Great War, Francesca?"
"In the first place I fine you a sum not exceeding one hundred pounds
for asking me such a question. In the second place I retort upon you by
telling you that one of the things you're going to do during the Great
War is to give up marmalade."
"What! Give up the thing which lends to breakfast its one and only
distinction? Never."
"That," she said, "sounds very brave; but what are you going to do if
there isn't any marmalade to be obtained for love or money?"
"Mine," I said, "has always been the sort you get for money. I have not
hitherto met the amatory variety; but if it's really marmalade I'm
prepared to have a go at it."
"And that," she said, "is very kind of you, but it's quite useless. For
the moment there's no marmalade of any kind to be had."
"None of the dark-brown variety?"
"No."
"Or the sort that looks like golden jelly?"
"Not a scrap."
"Or the old-fashioned but admirable kind? The excellent substitute for
butter at breakfast?"
"That must go like the rest. It has been a substitute for the last
time."
"Impossible," I said. "Everything is now a substitute for something
else. Marmalade started being a substitute long ago, and it isn't fair
to stop it and let the other things go on."
"Well," she said, "what are you going to do about it? If you can't get
Seville oranges how are you going to get Seville orange marmalade?"
"Oh, that's it, is it?"
"Yes, that's it, more or less. And now let's have your remedy."
"You needn't think," I said, "that I'm going to take it lying down. I
shall go up to London and defy Lord RHONDDA to his face. I shall write
pro-marmalade letters to various newspapers. I shall form a Marmalade
League, with branches in all the constituencies so as to bring political
pressure to bear. I shall head a deputation to the PRIME MINISTER. I
shall get Mr. KING or Mr. HOGGE or Mr. PRINGLE, or all three of them, to
ask questions in the House of Commons. In short I shall exhaust all the
usual devices for giving the Government a thoroughly uncomfortable
time."
"In short you will do your patriotic best to help your country through
its difficulties and to put the interest of the nation above your own
convenience."
"Francesca," I said, "you must not be too serious. I was but attempting
a jest."
"This is no time for jests. I can't bear even to think of your joining
the Brigade of Grousers who are always girding at the Government. I
won't stand your being a girder. So make up your mind to that."
"Very well," I said, "I will endeavour not to be a girder; but you
simply _must_ get me a pot or two of marmalade."
"And allow the KAISER to win the War? Not if I know it. Besides, I don't
like marmalade."
"There you are," I said. "You don't like marmalade--few women do--and so
you're going to make a virtue for yourself by forcing _me_ to give it
up. My dear, you've given the whole show away."
"Don't juggle with words," she said, speaking with a dreadful calm. "I
may be able to get a pot or two--say at the outside a dozen pots. Well,
if I manage it I will inform you--"
"Yes," I said eagerly.
"If I manage it," she repeated, "you shall know of it, and you shall
make your self-denial complete and efficacious."
"I don't like the way in which this sentence is turning out."
"You shall have a pot in front of you at breakfast, and you shan't touch
a shred of it."
"Francesca," I said, "you're a tyrant. But no, you wouldn't be mean
enough to do it--before the children too."
"Perhaps, as a concession, I would allow you a little marmalade in a
pudding at luncheon."
"But I don't like marmalade in a pudding at luncheon. I like it on toast
at breakfast."
"But you're not going to have it on toast at breakfast."
"Well," I said, "I shall conduct reprisals. For every time you don't
allow me to have any I shall destroy something you like--a blouse or a
hat. If I'm to give up the essence of Dundee or Paisley you shall at
least give up hats."
"But the marmalade will remain."
"Yes, and the hats will all perish. That's where I come in."
"Don't buoy yourself up with that notion," she said. "You'll have to pay
for the new ones--or owe."