It is fortunate for the Ministry of Munitions that it possesses a
spokesman so bland and imperturbable as Sir WORTHINGTON EVANS. In
successive answers he informed the House that near Birmingham the
Ministry was evicting 130 allotment holders on the eve of their harvest,
in order to build a new factory; and that simultaneously it was
abandoning in the West of England the site of another gigantic factory,
on which a cool million had already been spent. Coming from almost any
other Minister this amazing example of how not to do it would have
raised a storm of supplemental inquiries, if not a motion for the
adjournment. But the House accepted Sir WORTHINGTON'S calm and
matter-of-fact narration as quietly as if it were the last word in
efficiency and coordination.
I was a little premature last week in assuming that Mr. MACCALLUM SCOTT
had been silenced by his appointment as Mr. CHURCHILL'S private
secretary. A long question to the Board of Trade, on the subject of
horse-hides, followed by a series of supplementaries delivered with his
customary emphasis, showed that he is not yet resigned to his muzzle. He
is not, however, entirely oblivious of the customary etiquette in this
matter, for he recited his catechism from the third bench behind
Ministers, and only when it was over descended to the second bench,
where private secretaries most do congregate.
_Tuesday, August 14th_.-Mr. KING has a legitimate grievance against the
Government spokesmen. Two Nationalist Members having been allowed to go
to the United States to collect funds for their party, he asked
yesterday whether he too would be permitted to proceed abroad on a
similar mission. Mr. BONAR LAW, with his habitual courtesy, replied that
he, personally, would not offer any objection. But this afternoon, on
putting an almost identical question to Lord ROBERT CECIL, Mr. KING was
informed, with a touch of _brusquerie_, that "there are some people to
whom we should not think of granting a passport." He cannot reconcile
these replies, which seem to him to afford convincing proof that the
Government does not know its own mind.
The Ministry of Munitions, In order to cater for the spiritual needs of
the new population at Gretna, has simultaneously provided sites for the
Church of Scotland, the Church of England, the Roman Catholics and the
Congregationalists. The local blacksmith is said to be aggrieved by all
this ecclesiastical rivalry.
The HOME SECRETARY has determined to put a stop to the practice of
whistling for taxicabs in London. It is suggested that he would confer a
still greater boon on his fellow-townsmen if he would provide a few more
taxis for them not to whistle for.
Mr. PETO complained once more of the refusal of the War Office to employ
"manipulative surgeons" in the Army, and called in aid the testimony of
Mr. HODGE, the Minister of Labour, as a proof of Mr. BARKER'S miraculous
powers. Sir WATSON CHEYNE, the newest Member of the House, pointed out
that unfortunately all bone-setters were not BARKERS; and, fortified by
this expert opinion, Mr. MACPHERSON declined to say more than that
private soldiers might go to these unconventional practitioners at their
own risk.
_Wednesday, August 15th_.--Taking the view that a Corn Production Bill
was intended to produce corn, Lord CHAPLIN made an effort to secure that
the bounties should be paid in accordance with the crops harvested and
not upon the acreage sown. But the Government, unwilling to risk a
quarrel with the other House at this late period of the Season, declined
to accept the amendment. The bounties therefore will fall, like the
rain, upon good and bad land alike, though in the interests of the
general taxpayer I trust not quite so heavily.
To take down the Ladies' Grille, Sir ALFRED MONO informed the House,
would only cost a matter of five pounds. All the same I think there was
some disappointment in certain quarters, including the gilded cage
itself, that this momentous question should be disposed of without
debate. Several sparkling orations, teeming with wit and persiflage,
were nipped in the bud. A score of ungallant fellows, including several
whom I should have diagnosed as ladies' men, opposed the removal, but
they were outnumbered eight to one.
Mr. WALTER LONG introduced a Bill to enable the Government to prospect
for oil in the United Kingdom. If this should necessitate the
appointment of a Controller of Bores he will find abundance of work.
Contrary to expectation Mr. CHURCHILL succeeded in piloting the
Munitions of War Bill through its remaining stages in double-quick time.
Its progress was facilitated by his willingness to abolish the
leaving-certificate, which a workman hitherto had to procure before
changing one job for another. Having had unequalled experience in this
respect he is convinced that the leaving-certificate is a useless
formality.
_Thursday, August 16_.--Owing to the House meeting at noon the usual
time-limit for Questions did not apply. Messrs. PRINGLE and HOGGE were
especially active. With a meaning glance in their direction the HOME
SECRETARY, replying to a complaint of Mr. GULLAND that the
representation of the Northern Kingdom would not be increased by the
Representation of the People Bill, observed that he saw no sufficient
reason for extending the number of Scottish Members.
Food-stocks going up, thanks to the energy of the farmers and the
economy of consumers; German submarines going down, thanks to the Navy;
Russia recovering herself; Britain and France advancing hand-in-hand on
the Western Front, and our enemies fumbling for peace--that was the gist
of the message with which the PRIME MINISTER sped the parting Commons.
But, fearing perhaps that he might have made them unduly optimistic, he
concluded with a warning that not until next year could we expect to
reap the fruits of our labours.
An attempt by Messrs. MACDONALD and SNOWDEN to keep the Stockholm fires
burning quickly fizzled out. Mr. ELLIS GRIFFITHS mocked at the claim of
those elegant doctrinaires to speak for British Labour, and Mr. BONAR
LAW told them frankly that the Government had no intention of letting
them go to Stockholm to chat with our enemies.
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[Illustration: THE UPPER PICTURE INDICATES WHAT GOES ON BEHIND THE
LADIES' GRILLE IN THE IMAGINATION OF THE HOUSE. THE LOWER PICTURE
INDICATES THE GRIM REALITY.]
* * * * *
"Neu propius tectis taxum sine."
_Vergil: Georg. IV. 47._
Do not signal for a taxi near houses.
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