"My heavens alive! if that ain't to-day's ten-o'clock comin' from
Meadville, 'n' me solemnly promised to be at Lucy's at half-past nine to
help Mrs. Macy stone raisins! Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I would n't have
believed it of you if I had n't been a eyewitness!--"
PART THIRD
LUCY DILL'S WEDDING
"Well, Lucy has got Hiram!"
There was such a strong inflection of triumphant joy in Miss Clegg's
voice as she called the momentous news to her friend that it would have
been at once--and most truthfully--surmised that the getting of Hiram
had been a more than slight labor.
Mrs. Lathrop was waiting by the fence, impatience written with a
wandering reflection all over the serenity of her every-day expression.
Susan only waited to lay aside her bonnet and mitts and then hastened to
the fence herself.
"Mrs. Lathrop, you never saw nor heard the like of this weddin' day in
all your own ays to be or to come, 'n' I don't suppose there ever will
be anything like it again, for Lucy Dill did n't cut no figger in her
own weddin' a _tall_,--the whole thing was Gran'ma Mullins first, last
'n' forever hereafter. I tell you it looked once or twice as if it would
n't be a earthly possibility to marry Hiram away from his mother, 'n'
now that it 's all over people can't do anything but say as after all
Lucy ought to consider herself very lucky as things turned out, for if
things had n't turned out as they did turn out I don't believe anything
on earth could have unhooked that son, 'n' I 'm willin' to swear that
anywhere to any one.
"Do you know, Mrs. Lathrop, that Gran'ma Mullins was so bad off last
night as they had to put a mustard plaster onto her while Hiram went to
see Lucy for the last time, 'n' Mrs. Macy says as she never hear the
beat o' her memory, for she says she 'll take her Bible oath as Gran'ma
Mullins told her what Hiram said 'n' done every minute o' his life while
he was gone to see Lucy Dill. 'N' she cried, too, 'n' took on the whole
time she was talkin' 'n' said Heaven help her, for nobody else could,
'n' she just knowed Lucy 'd get tired o' Hiram's story 'n' he can't be
happy a whole day without he tells it, 'n' she 's most sure Lucy won't
like his singin' 'Marchin' Through Georgia' after the first month or
two, 'n' it 's the only tune as Hiram has ever really took to. Mrs. Macy
says she soon found she could n't do nothin' to stem the tide except to
drink tea 'n' listen, so she drank an' listened till Hiram come home
about eleven. Oh, my, but she says they had _the_ time then! Gran'ma
Mullins let him in herself, 'n' just as soon as he was in she bu'st into
floods of tears 'n' would n't let him loose under no consideration. She
says Hiram managed to get his back to the wall for a brace 'cause
Gran'ma Mullins nigh to upset him every fresh time as Lucy come over
her, 'n' Mrs. Macy says she could n't but wonder what the end was goin'
to be when, toward midnight, Hiram just lost patience 'n' dodged out
under her arm 'n' ran up the ladder to the roof-room 'n' they could n't
get him to come down again. She says when Gran'ma Mullins realized as he
would n't come down she most went mad over the notion of her only son's
spendin' the Christmas Eve to his own weddin' sleepin' on the floor o'
the attic 'n' she wanted to poke the cot up to him, but Mrs. Macy says
she drew the line at cot-pokin' when the cot was all she 'd have to
sleep on herself, 'n' in the end they poked quilts up, 'n' pillows, 'n'
doughnuts 'n' cider 'n' blankets, 'n' Hiram made a very good bed on the
floor 'n' they all got to sleep about three o'clock.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think? What _do_ you think? They was so
awful tired that none of 'em woke till Mrs. Sperrit come at eleven next
day to take 'em to the weddin'! Mrs. Macy says she hopes she 'll be put
forward all her back-slidin's if she ever gets such a start again. She
says when she peeked out between the blinds 'n' see Mrs. Sperrit's
Sunday bonnet 'n' realized her own state she nearly had a fit. Mrs.
Sperrit had to come in 'n' be explained to, 'n' the worst of it was as
Hiram could n't be woke no-how. He 'd pulled the ladder up after him 'n'
put the lid on the hole so 's to feel safe, 'n' there he was snug as a
bug in a rug 'n' where no human bein' could get at him. They hollered
'n' banged doors 'n' sharpened the carvin' knife an' poured grease on
the stove 'n' did anything they could think of, but he never budged.
Mrs. Macy says she never was so close to beside herself in all her life
before, for Gran'ma Mullins cried worse 'n ever each minute, 'n' Hiram
seemed like the very dead could n't wake him.
"They was all hoppin' around half crazy when Mr. Sperrit come along on
his way to the weddin' 'n' his wife run out 'n' told him what was the
matter 'n' he come right in 'n' looked up at the matter. It did n't take
long for _him_ to unsettle Hiram, Mrs. Macy says. He got a sulphur
candle 'n' tied it to a stick 'n' h'isted the lid with another stick,
'n' in less 'n two minutes they could all hear Hiram sneezin' an' comin'
to. 'N' Mrs. Macy says when they hollered what time it was she wishes
the whole town might have been there to see Hiram Mullins come down to
earth. Mr. Sperrit did n't hardly have time to get out o' the way 'n' he
did n't give his mother no show for one single grab,--he just bounced
into his room 'n' you could have heard him gettin' dressed on the far
side o' the far bridge.
"O' course, us at Lucy's did n't know anythin' a _tall_ about Mrs.
Macy's troubles. We had our own, Heaven help us, 'n' they was enough,
for the very first thing of all Mr. Dill caught his pocket on the corner
of Mrs. Dill 'n' come within a ace of pullin' her off her easel. That
would have been a pretty beginnin' to Lucy's weddin' day if her father
had smashed her mother's glass to bits, I guess, but it could n't have
made Lucy any worse; for I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, as I never see no one
in all my born life act foolisher than Lucy Dill this day. First she 'd
laugh 'n' then she 'd cry 'n' then she 'd lose suthin' as we 'd _got_ to
have to work with. 'N' when it come to dressin' her!--well, if she 'd
known as Hiram was sleepin' a sleep as next to knowed no wakin' she
could n't have put on more things wrong side out an' hind side before!
She was n't dressed till most every one was there 'n' I was gettin'
pretty anxious, for Hiram was n't there neither, 'n' the more fidgety
people got the more they caught their corners on Mrs. Dill. I just saved
her from Mr. Kimball, 'n' Amelia saw her goin' as a result o' Judge
Fitch 'n' hardly had time for a jump. The minister himself was beginnin'
to cough when, all of a sudden, some one cried as the Sperrits was
there.
"Well, we all squeezed to the window, 'n' such a sight you never saw.
They was gettin' Gran'ma Mullins out 'n' Hiram was tryin' to keep her
from runnin' the color of his cravat all down his shirt while she was
sobbin' 'Hi-i-i-i-ram, Hi-i-i-i-i-ram', in a voice as would wring your
very heart dry. They got her out 'n' got her in an' got her upstairs,
'n' we all sat down 'n' begin to get ready while Amelia played 'Lead,
Kindly Light' and 'The Joyous Farmer' alternate, 'cause she'd mislaid
her Weddin' March.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you never knowed nothin' like it!--we waited, '_n_'
we waited, '_n_' we waited, 'n' the minister most coughed himself into
consumption, 'n' Mrs. Dill got caught on so often that Mr. Kimball told
Ed to stand back of her 'n' hold her to the easel every minute. Amelia
was just beginning over again for the seventeenth time when at last we
heard 'em bumpin' along downstairs. Seems as all the delay come from
Lucy's idea o' wantin' to walk with her father 'n' have a weddin'
procession, instid o' her 'n' Hiram comin' in together like Christians
'n' lettin' Mr. Dill hold Gran'ma Mullins up anywhere. Polly says she
never see such a time as they had of it; she says fightin' wolves was
layin' lambs beside the way they talked. Hiram said frank 'n' open as
the reason he did n't want to walk in with his mother was he was sure
she would n't let him out to get married, but Lucy was dead set on the
procession idea. So in the end they done it so, 'n' Gran'ma Mullins's
sobs fairly shook the house as they come through the dinin'-room door.
Lucy was first with her father 'n' they both had their heads turned
backward lookin' at Hiram 'n' his mother.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, it was certainly a sight worth seein'! The way that
Gran'ma Mullins was glued on! All I can say is as octopuses has got
their backs turned in comparison to the way that Hiram seemed to be all
wrapped up in her. It looked like wild horses, not to speak of Lucy
Dill, would n't never be able to get him loose enough to marry him. The
minister was scared; we was all scared. I never see a worse situation to
be in.
"They come along through the back parlor, Lucy lookin' back, Mr. Dill
white as a sheet, 'n' Hiram walkin' like a snow-plough as is n't sure
how long it can keep on makin' it. It seemed like a month as they was
under way before they finally got stopped in front o' the minister. 'N'
then come _the_ time! Hiram had to step beside Lucy 'n' take her hand
'n' he could n't! We all just gasped. There was Hiram tryin' to get
loose 'n' Mr. Dill tryin' to help him. Gran'ma Mullins's tears dripped
till you could hear 'em, but she hung on to Hiram like he 'd paid for
it. They worked like Trojan beavers, but as fast as they 'd get one side
of him uncovered she 'd take a fresh wind-round. I tell you, we all just
held our breath, 'n' I bet Lucy was sorry she persisted in havin' a
procession when she see the perspiration runnin' off her father 'n' poor
Hiram.
"Finally Polly got frightened 'n' begun to cry, 'n' at that the deacon
put his arm around her 'n' give her a hug, an' Gran'ma Mullins looked up
just in time to see the arm 'n' the hug. It seemed like it was the last
hay in the donkey, for she give a weak screech 'n' went right over on
Mr. Dill. She had such a grip on Hiram that if it had n't been for Lucy
he 'd have gone over, too, but Lucy just hung on herself that time, 'n'
Hiram was rescued without nothin' worse than his hair mussed 'n' one
sleeve a little tore. Mr. Sperrit 'n' Mr. Jilkins carried Gran'ma
Mullins into the dinin'-room, 'n' I said to just leave her fainted till
after we 'd got Hiram well 'n' truly married; so they did.
"I never see the minister rattle nothin' through like that
marriage-service. Every one was on whole papers of pins 'n' needles, 'n'
the minute it was over every one just felt like sittin' right straight
down.
"Mrs. Macy 'n' me went up 'n' watered Gran'ma Mullins till we brought
her to, 'n' when she learned as it was all done she picked up wonderful
'n' felt as hungry as any one, 'n' come downstairs 'n' kissed Lucy 'n'
caught a corner on Mrs. Dill just like she 'd never been no trouble to
no one from first to last. I never see such a sudden change in all my
life; it was like some miracle had come out all over her 'n' there was
n't no one there as was n't rejoiced to death.
"We all went out in the dinin'-room 'n' the sun shone in 'n' every one
laughed over nothin' a _tall_. Mrs. Sperrit pinned Hiram up from inside
so his tear did n't show, 'n' Lucy 'n' he set side by side 'n' looked
like no one was ever goin' to ever be married again. Polly 'n' the
deacon set opposite 'n' the minister 'n' his wife 'n' Mr. Dill 'n'
Gran'ma Mullins made up the table. The rest stood around, 'n' we was all
as lively as words can tell. The cake was one o' the handsomest as I
ever see, two pigeons peckin' a bell on top 'n' Hiram 'n' Lucy runnin'
around below in pink. There was a dime inside 'n' a ring, an' I got the
dime, 'n' they must have forgot to put in the ring for no one got it."
Susan paused and panted.
"It was--" commented Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.
"Nice that I got the dime?--yes, I should say. There certainly was n't
no one there as needed it worse, 'n', although I 'd never be one to call
a dime a fortune, still it is a dime, 'n' no one can't deny it the
honor, no matter how they feel. But, Mrs. Lathrop, what you 'd ought to
have seen was Hiram 'n' Lucy ready to go off. I bet no one knows they
're brides--I bet no one knows _what_ they are,--you never saw the like
in all your worst dreams. Hiram wore spectacles 'n' carpet-slippers 'n'
that old umbrella as Mr. Shores keeps at the store to keep from bein'
stole, 'n' Lucy wore clothes she 'd found in trunks 'n' her hair in
curl-papers, 'n' her cold-cream gloves. They certainly was a sight, 'n'
Gran'ma Mullins laughed as hard as any one over them. Mr. Sperrit drove
'em to the train, 'n' Hiram says he 's goin' to spend two dollars a day
right along till he comes back; so I guess Lucy 'll have a good time for
once in her life. 'N' Gran'ma Mullins walked back with me 'n' not one
word o' Hiram did she speak. She was all Polly 'n' the deacon. She said
it wa'n't in reason as Polly could imagine him with hair, 'n' she said
she was thinkin' very seriously o' givin' her a piece o' his hair as she
's got, for a weddin' present. She said Polly 'd never know what he was
like the night he give her that hair. She said the moon was shinin' 'n'
the frogs were croakin', 'n' she kind o' choked; she says she can't
smell a marsh to this day without seein' the deacon givin' her that
piece of hair. I cheered her up all I could--I told her anyhow he could
n't give Polly a piece of his hair if he died for it. She smiled a weak
smile 'n' went on up to Mrs. Brown's. Mrs. Brown 's asked her to stay
with her a day or two. Mrs. Brown has her faults, but nobody can't deny
as she 's got a good heart,--in fact, sometimes I think Mrs. Brown's
good heart is about the worst fault she's got. I 've knowed it lead her
to do very foolish things time 'n' again--things as I thank my star I 'd
never think o' doin'--not in this world."
Mrs. Lathrop shifted her elbows a little; Susan withdrew at once from
the fence.
"I must go in," she said, "to-morrow is goin' to be a more 'n full day.
There 's Polly's weddin' 'n' then in the evenin' Mr. Weskin is comin'
up. You need n't look surprised, Mrs. Lathrop, because I 've thought the
subject over up 'n' down 'n' hind end foremost 'n' there ain't nothin'
left for me to do. I can't sell nothin' else 'n' I 've got to have
money, so I 'm goin' to let go of one of those bonds as father left me.
There ain't no way out of it; I told Mr. Weskin I 'd expect him at sharp
eight on sharp business, 'n' he 'll come. 'N' I must go as a
consequence. Good night."
PART FOURTH
MR. JILKINS'S HAT
Polly Allen's wedding took place the next day, and Mrs. Lathrop came out
on her front piazza about half past five to wait for her share in the
event.
The sight of Mrs. Brown going by with her head bound up in a white
cloth, accompanied by Gran'ma Mullins with both hands similarly treated,
was the first inkling the stay-at-home had that strange doings had been
lately done.
Susan came next and Susan was a sight! Not only did her ears stand up
with a size and conspicuousness never inherited from either her father
or her mother, but also her right eye was completely closed and she
walked lame.
"The Lord have mercy!" cried Mrs. Lathrop, when the full force of her
friend's affliction effected its complete entrance into her
brain,--"Why, Susan, what--"
"Mrs. Lathrop," said Miss Clegg, "all I can say is I come out better
than the most of 'em, 'n' if you could see Sam Duruy or Mr. Kimball or
the minister you 'd know I spoke the truth. The deacon 'n' Polly is both
in bed 'n' can't see how each other looks, 'n' them as has a eye is
goin' to tend them as can't see at all, an' God help 'em all if young
Dr. Brown an' the mud run dry!" with which pious ejaculation Susan
painfully mounted the steps and sat down with exceeding gentleness upon
a chair.
Mrs. Lathrop stared at her in dumb and wholly bewildered amazement.
After a while Miss Clegg continued.
"It was all the deacon's fault. Him 'n' Polly was so dead set on bein'
fashionable 'n' bein' a contrast to Hiram an Lucy, 'n' I hope to-night
as they lay there all puffed up as they 'll reflect on their folly 'n'
think a little on how the rest of us as did n't care rhyme or reason for
folly is got no choice but to puff up, too. Mrs. Jilkins is awful mad;
she says Mr. Jilkins wanted to wear his straw hat anyhow, 'n' she says
she always has hated his silk hat 'cause it reminds her o' when she was
young 'n' foolish enough to be willin' to go 'n' marry into a family as
was foolish enough to marry into Deacon White. Mrs. Jilkins is extra hot
because she got one in the neck, but my own idea is as Polly Allen's
weddin' was the silliest doin's as I ever see from the beginnin', 'n'
the end wa'n't no more than might o' been expected--all things
considered.
"When I got to the church, what do you think was the first thing as I
see, Mrs. Lathrop? Well, you 'd never guess till kingdom come, so I may
as well tell you. It was Ed 'n' Sam Duruy 'n' Henry Ward Beecher 'n'
Johnny standin' there waitin' to show us to our pews like we did n't
know our own pews after sittin' in 'em for all our life-times! I just
shook my head 'n' walked to my pew, 'n' there, if it was n't looped shut
with a daisy-chain! Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I wish you could have been there
to have felt for me, for I may remark as a cyclone is a caterpillar wove
up in hisself beside my face when I see myself daisy-chained out o' my
own pew by Polly Allen. Ed was behind me 'n' he whispered 'That's
reserved for the family.' I give him one look 'n' I will state, Mrs.
Lathrop, as he wilted. It did n't take me long to break that daisy-chain
'n' sit down in that pew, 'n' I can assure you as no one asked me to get
up again. Mrs. Jilkins's cousins from Meadville come 'n' looked at me
sittin' there, but I give them jus' one look back 'n' they went 'n' sat
with Mrs. Macy themselves. A good many other folks was as surprised as
me over where they had to sit, but we soon had other surprises as took
the taste o' the first clean out o' our mouths.
"Just as Mrs. Davison begin to play the organ, Ed 'n' Johnny come down
with two clothes-lines wound 'round with clematis 'n' tied us all in
where we sat. Then they went back 'n' we all stayed still 'n' could n't
but wonder what under the sun was to be done to us next. But we did n't
have long to wait, 'n' I will say as anythin' to beat Polly's ideas I
never see--no--nor no one else neither.
"'Long down the aisle, two 'n' two, 'n' hand in hand, like they thought
they was suthin' pretty to look at, come Ed 'n' Johnny 'n' Henry Ward
Beecher 'n' Sam Duruy, 'n' I vow 'n' declare, Mrs. Lathrop, I never was
so nigh to laughin' in church in all my life. They knowed they was
funny, too, 'n' their mouths 'n' eyes was tight set sober, but some one
in the back just _had_ to giggle, 'n' when we heard it we knew as things
as was n't much any other day would use us up this day, sure. They
stopped in front 'n' lined up, two on a side, 'n' then, for all the
world like it was a machine-play, the little door opened 'n' out come
the minister 'n' solemnly walked down to between them. I must say we was
all more than a little disappointed at its only bein' the minister, 'n'
he must have felt our feelin's, for he began to cough 'n' clear up his
throat 'n' his little desk all at once. Then Mrs. Davison jerked out the
loud stop 'n' began to play for all she was worth, 'n' the door behind
banged 'n' every one turned aroun' to see.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, we saw,--'n' I will in truth remark as such a
sawin' we 'll never probably get a chance to do again! Mrs. Sweet says
they practised it over four times at the church, so they can't deny as
they meant it all, 'n' you might lay me crossways 'n' cut me into
chipped beef 'n' still I would declare as I would n't have the face to
own to havin' had any hand in plannin' any such weddin'.
"First come 'Liza Em'ly 'n' Rachel Rebecca hand in hand carryin'
daisies--of all things in the world to take to a weddin'--'n' then come
Brunhilde Susan, with a daisy-chain around her neck 'n' her belt stuck
full o' daisies 'n'--you can believe me or not, jus' as you please, Mrs.
Lathrop, 'n' still it won't help matters any--'n' a daisy stuck in every
button down her back, 'n' daisies tangled up in her hair, 'n' a bunch o'
daisies under one arm.
"Well, we was nigh to overcome by Brunhilde Susan, but we drawed some
fresh breath 'n' kept on lookin', 'n' next come Polly 'n' Mr. Allen. I
will say for Mr. Allen as he seemed to feel the ridiculousness of it
all, for a redder man I never see, nor one as looked more uncomfortable.
He was daisied, too--had three in his buttonhole;--but what took us all
was the way him 'n' Polly walked. I bet no people gettin' married ever
zigzagged like that before, 'n' Mrs. Sweet says they practised it by
countin' two 'n' then swingin' out to one side, 'n' then countin' two
'n' swingin' out to the other--she watched 'em out of her attic window
down through the broke blind to the church. Well, all I can say is, that
to my order o' thinkin' countin' 'n' swingin' is a pretty frame o' mind
to get a husband in, but so it was, 'n' we was all starin' our eyes off
to beat the band when the little door opened 'n', to crown everythin'
else, out come the deacon 'n Mr. Jilkins, each with a daisy 'n' a silk
hat, 'n' I will remark, Mrs. Lathrop, as new-born kittens is blood-red
murderers compared to how innocent that hat o' Mr. Jilkins looked. Any
one could see as it was n't new, but he was n't new either as far as
that goes, 'n' that was what struck me in particular about the whole
thing--nothin' 'n' nobody was n't any different only for Polly's
foolishness 'n' the daisies.
"Well, they sorted out 'n' begun to get married, 'n' us all sittin'
lookin' on 'n' no more guessin' what was comin' next than a ant looks
for a mornin' paper. The minister was gettin' most through 'n' the
deacon was gettin' out the ring, 'n' we was lookin' to get up 'n' out
pretty quick, when--my heavens alive, Mrs. Lathrop, I never will forget
that minute--when Mr. Jilkins--poor man, he's sufferin' enough for it,
Lord knows!--when Mr. Jilkins dropped his hat!
"That very next second him 'n' Ed 'n' Brunhilde Susan all hopped 'n'
yelled at once, 'n' the next thing we see was the minister droppin' his
book 'n' grabbin' his arm 'n' the deacon tryin' madly to do hisself up
in Polly's veil. We would 'a' all been plum petrified at such goings on
any other day, only by that time the last one of us was feelin' to hop
and grab 'n' yell on his own account. Gran'ma Mullins was tryin' to slap
herself with the seat cushion, 'n' the way the daisies flew as folks
went over 'n' under that clematis rope was a caution. I got out as quick
as I--"
"But what--" interrupted Mrs. Lathrop, her eyes fairly marble-like in
their redundant curiosity.
"It was wasps!" said Susan. "It was a young wasps' nest in Mr. Jilkins's
hat. Seems they carried their hats to church in their hands 'cause Polly
did n't want no red rings around 'em, 'n' so he never suspected nothin'
till he dropped it. 'N' oh, poor little Brunhilde Susan in them short
skirts of hers--she might as well have wore a bee-hive! I will in
confidence remark as I got off easy, 'n' you can look at me 'n' figger
on what them as got it hard has got on them. Young Dr. Brown went right
to work with mud 'n' Polly's veil 'n' plastered 'em over as fast as they
could get into Mrs. Sweet's. Mrs. Sweet was mighty obligin' 'n' turned
two flower-beds inside out 'n' let every one scoop with her kitchen
spoons, besides runnin' aroun' herself like she was a slave gettin'
paid. They took the deacon 'n' Polly right to their own house. They
can't see one another anyhow, 'n' they was most all married anyway, so
it did n't seem worth while to wait till the minister gets the use of
his upper lip again."
"Why--" interrogated Mrs. Lathrop.
"Young Dr. Brown wanted to," said Susan, "he wanted to fill my ears with
mud, 'n' my eye, too, but I did n't feel to have it done. You can't die
o' wasps' bills, 'n' you can o' young Dr. Brown's--leastways when you
ain't got no money to pay 'em, like I ain't got just at present."
"It 's--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Yes," said Susan, "it struck me that way, too. This seems to be a very
unlucky town. Anything as comes seems to catch us all in a bunch. The
cow most lamed the whole community 'n' the automobile most broke its
back; time 'll tell what 'll be the result o' these wasps, but there
won't be no church Sunday for one thing, I know.