When I sent Aunt Emily--from whom I have expectations--a pincushion
at Christmas and she retaliated with a pen-wiper on New Year's Day,
I thought that was the end of it.
Not so.
Aunt Emily reopened hostilities on my birthday with a purple satin
letter-case embroidered with a sprig of rosemary and the word
"Remembrance." That fresh offensive occurred on January 27th, which,
I repeat, is my birthday. Readers please note.
When was Aunt Emily's birthday? Frenzied search in antique birthday
books revealed not the horrid secret. Probing my diary for other
suitable anniversaries, I came to February 1st--"Partridge and
Pheasant Shooting ends."
I passed this as being inappropriate, and then--the very
thing--February 14th, St. Valentine's. Also Full Moon.
To arrive on that day, I despatched, carefully packed, the white
marble clock from the spare-room. When well shaken it will tick for
an hour. Aunt Emily had never seen it, I knew.
Then I sounded the All Clear.
But on Easter Eve a heavy packing-case was bumped onto my doorstep.
From wrappings of sacking there emerged a large model of Eddystone
lighthouse; a thermometer was embedded in its chest, minus the
mercury, I noted. And Aunt Emily wished me as per enclosed card "A
joyous Easter."
With groans and lamentations another anniversary must be found by me.
Ah! Here we have it! KING GEOKGE V. born June 3rd. On the dark roof
of my spare-room wardrobe loomed an Indian vase--bright yellow with
red blobs--very rare and very hideous, with a bulge in its middle.
Obviously unique, because when the Indian made it his fellow-Indians
slew him to prevent repetitions of the offence. I packed it in the
middle of a crate and much straw, calculated to make an appalling mess
when released.
To dear Aunt Emily it went, with love, and a few topical remarks about
the Monarchy.
But Aunt Emily evidently had a diary too. On the 21st of
October--anniversary of Trafalgar--my heart sank as the railway
delivery van drew up at my door. The angry driver toiled into my
passage with a packing-case (bristling with splinters and nails). When
it was open and the chisel broken I picked the splinters out of my
fingers and contemplated the battered horn of a gramophone emerging
from sawdust and shavings.
The mess created was indescribable when the horn was drawn forth.
Shavings flew everywhere. The sawdust was like a butcher's shop. There
were records too, some broken, all scratched. When set going it made
a noise like a cockatoo with a cold. Decently covered with a cloth it
was interned in the loft.
Next please. One more effort and I should be one up and Aunt Emily to
play. And her turn would be Christmas. Once she sent me five pounds at
Christmas.
The diary again. A poor hatch of anniversaries for November. A partial
eclipse of the moon, partially visible at Greenwich, was down for the
22nd. But eclipses are too ominous.
I fell back on KING EDWARD VII., born November 9th, 1841. Twenty-three
volumes of Goodworthy's _History of England_ should commemorate this.
There had once been twenty-four, but the puppy ate one.
Gratitude came by return of post, and I sat down in peace to await
Christmas and a cheque.
But on December 19th came another dreadful and splintery packing-case.
Desperately I gouged it open. Out of it, through a cloud of shavings,
emerged my own loathsome yellow-and-red Indian vase! No word with
it--not a word, not a note. Not a funeral note.
Rage overtook me. I disinterred Aunt Emily's own gramophone and
records. I packed the horn anyhow. Such of the records as seemed
difficult to get in I broke into small pieces and shoved in corners.
I nailed the packing-case up with the same nails and addressed it in
the boldest and fiercest of characters to Aunt Emily and caught the
railway-van on the rebound. The deed was done.
I laughed "Ha, ha!" I laughed "Ho, ho!" I would teach Aunt Emily to
return me my own vase.
Next morning came a letter. As I read it perspiration burst out on my
forehead. Language the most awful burst from my lips.
And yet it was a simple letter--from my little cousin Dolly.
"DEAR BOB," it said,--"I sent you a yellow-and-red vase for Christmas.
Your Aunt Emily gave it me as a wedding present. It is not my style and
must be yours, because I have seen one like it in your house. Perhaps
you collect them. Don't tell your Aunt, but I really couldn't bear it.
I forgot to put any note in the box. Happy Christmas.
"Love, DOLLY."
And Aunt Emily would have opened my case by now.
On Christmas Day I received a letter from her which I opened with
cold and clammy fingers.
She thanked me for sending back the gramophone. She was sorry I
did not care for it. She was now sending it to a hospital for
shell-shocked officers. And she wished me a Blithe Yuletide on a
penny card. And she was very sincerely mine.
Anyone can have her for aught I care.
[Illustration: _Unsuccessful House-huntress_. "REALLY ONE SEES SO
FEW OF THE SORT OF MEN WHO USED TO _BUILD_ HOUSES. WHY DOESN'T THE
GOVERNMENT RELEASE MORE CORDUROY TROUSERS AND ENTICE THE LABOURERS
BACK?"]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE SUPER-HUMAN DOG.
WHEN YOU CAME HOME ON LEAVE YOUR DOG, UNLIKE SOME
HUMANS, NEVER EXPRESSED SURPRISE AT SEEING YOU _STILL IN ENGLAND_.